DH just threatened to smack DD (7) in the face

[Orkling]

DH and I have 3 DC (2,4 & 7). DH is usually a great Dad but he does have a short fuse in that he will lose his temper and shout easily, he has never hit any of our DC. I am a bit calmer although I will give a smack on the bum occasionally, although not hard.

This morning DH was in a rush and foul mood (as he has been for ages) he asked DD to put her coat on, she asked where it was, he said right in front of you, open your eyes, she said they are open. He then told her not to be so fucking cheeky or he would smack her in the face!!!!! I am FURIOUS....

His foul moods have been affecting everyone, sometimes he is great but more often than not he is just moody and grumpy. I know I am not perfect and I do have mood swings but I think this is more to do with living with him.

[WrathdePan]

if you are hitting your children and use verbal violence as discipline then threats to hitting in the face is just a part of the continuum. (and blaming someone else for your mood swings is misplaced - they are your moods.)

[CailinDana]

I don't see how you can be furious at him threatening to hit her if you have already actually hit her. What he said was extremely aggressive and wrong but if you're a family that hits, then the threat is valid, albeit without the cursing. What's difference between smacking on the face and smacking on the bum?

[Orkling]

WrathdePan - I disagree with your last point, I think it's very difficult to be happy when the person you are living with is always unhappy and negative.

CailinDana - Personally I think there is a massive difference between smacking in the face and smacking on the bum.

[CailinDana]

I think there's only a difference in perception between smacking on the bum and smacking on the face. Smacking on the bum is traditionally seen as "ok" because it's reserved for smaller weaker people who can't stand up for themselves (ie children). It is still sore and humiliating though. Smacking in the face is seen as something adults do to other adults so that's seen as violent. Personally as an adult I would find being smacked on the bum far more humiliating that being smacked in the face - your bum is a private personal area that you don't expect to have touched at all. For someone to actually hurt you there is really embarrassing. Hitting is hitting, whether it's on the arm or the head or the bum. Hitting in one place isn't suddenly "better" than hitting in another. Violence is violence.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Sorry you lose the moral high ground by already of hitting her.
Neither of you should threaten on hit her if you were in Scotland you would be in jail, what makes you think it's ok to hit a child but not a grown up?

[babyhammock]

I'm very very against smacking in any form but hitting someone in the face is clearly much worse than a smack on the bum in terms of levels of violence....

If someone said that to my child it would be a deal breaker :(

[babyhammock]

Calin I do see your point too. Both are very wrong x

[WrathdePan]

Orkling - you are choosing therefore to be unhappy and 'moody'. That's your active choice. Don't blame him for it.

[CailinDana]

Anyway, if your relationship with your DH is good, then it might be possible to sit down together and make a commitment to take violence out of your parenting, together. Perhaps go to a parenting course.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Yes a parenting course and stop smacking it is not good for a child! I say thas as someone who did smack till I realised how awful it was.

[GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob]

What CailinDana said.

Hitting is hitting is hitting.

[Orkling]

WrathdePan - I think it's unreasonable to expect for a person not to be affected by the the moods of another person they live with. It is not as simple as 'choosing' to feel bad.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Its more unreasonable to hit your child Orkling. Think about what you are doing.

[WrathdePan]

Well here's a couple of things 1. stop hitting your children 2. stop someone who sounds like a bully (great dad?) from swearing at and threatening the children, and inviting you to be unhappy - it's an inviation you don't have to accept.

[babyhammock]

Doesn't sound like the relationship is good though if he's making her unhappy and moody.... and yes I do think living with someone who behaves this way will undoubtedly affect OP's mood and the way she is able to deal with things.

He doesn't sound like a great dad, the children will be well aware of his short fuse and will act walk on eggshells accordingly :(

As I said, this would be a deal breaker for me.

[CailinDana]

I do think living with a very negative man can make you moody. But your children have to live with two parents, one who hits them, the other who threatens to hit them. If being negative makes you moody, what do think aggression from both your parents does to you?

[amverytired]

WTAF?

Why are people jumping on the op? Oh, it must be because they haven't got a clue.
Orkling - you are right - living in an abusive relationship will drag you down. You will get ratty, depressed, stressed and start to behave badly to your own children (been there, got the t-shirt).
But what your dh threatened to do to your dd and the way he spoke to her is completely unacceptable.

Something needs changing - you won't be able to change him, so what are your options?

[Orkling]

I'm really trying not to get drawn into a bum smacking debate here but I will just say it, is rare that I will, I have never smacked the younger two and DD only ever when she has really crossed the line and I have lost my temper, the last time was probably about 4 months ago and it wasn't hard enough to hurt her.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

amverytired Are you saying because she is in an abusive relationship that gives her the right to abuse her dc? Bullshit I went in a refuge I know about abusive relationships and I didn't turn that abuse round on my dc.

[Orkling]

That said I would never smack a child in the face, primarily because I imagine it would hurt a lot more than a smack on a fully clothed bum.

[WrathdePan]

No amverytired - it's because we do have a clue and know that the OP has been condoning and contributing toward a life for the children that isn't good and her own boundaries are so fucked that she's blaming someone else for it.

[CailinDana]

Orkling saying a hit doesn't hurt MAKES NO SENSE. A hit that doesn't hurt is a touch. Are you saying you touched your DD on the bum as a way of disciplining her? Seriously?

You hit her when you "lost your temper" - so you did it to express your anger, the same way your DH did today when he shouted. Personally I would prefer to be shouted at than hit. I don't see how you can get angry at him for threatening to hit when you actually hit. If we're talking about things "not hurting" - being shouted at doesn't hurt at all. So your DH was more justified in what he did than you were.

[Orkling]

Ok, I am ducking out now.

I have come for some constructive advice and am now, in typical mumsnet style, being accused of being a child abuser.

[mummytime]

Okay Orkling - you need to take control and act as an adult. You can control your actions, it is harder if you live with someone who is grumpy, but it is possible. So start to plan better, keep a diary of the flash points in your daily routine, and plan to avoid them. Talk to your children about getting themselves organised (7 is quite old enough). Decide what things are worth bothering with, and decide what things to let slide.

Read all you can about parenting without smacking. Because in an "ideal" situation isn't that what you would prefer? Who wants to hit their children?

You have to take responsibility for your actions. You have to teach your children to take responsibility for theirs (by not accepting responsibility yourself).

Then you can mention to your DH how unhelpful incidents like this morning are. Just how helpful is it to shout at a child where her coat is, wouldn't it have been easier for everyone just to give it to her? If not, then a simple "its in front of you" would do.

Limit speaking at stressful times, say as little as you can. It gets messages across clearer and doesn't increase confusion and stress.

(And I am a far from ideal Mum, but at least I know what we are aiming for.)

[WrathdePan]

OP - you can't talk about violence to children and then say "I'm not going to talk about violence to children". Really sounds like you are living with an unhappy bully though. Good luck, and do please keep your temper?