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Help please I am desperate

(60 Posts)
Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 01:57:19

I don't know if anyone else is up? I have done a stupid bad thing and I am now feeling I have nothing left to love for.
I have had a short affair. Caught an sti.
OM doesn't want to know. Says we aren't meant to be together. He also caught it. We don't know who it came from. Both been tested safe. (And seen results).

There is no way back from this. My husband will obv catch it too and therefore know.

Why should I hang around.

The kids will surely find out.

My life is not worth living.

Altho if I am posting maybe I care?

PrincessSymbian Sat 24-Nov-12 14:18:51

I am currently seeing a hypnotherapust and NLP counsellor. We are doing work on self-love and specifically work on loving my inner child. Apparently leaving addictions behind is all about learning how to nurture and care for your inner child.
So at the moment, your inner child is screaming and tantruming for something that will do neither you or her any good. Learning to nurture her is about learning to say no to the screaming and finding the way to give her what she is missing.
She doesn't need the chocolate though she may want it, but the apple as an alternative, though it is less appealing, is the option that will provide the longer term gratification and nourishment.

hopespringy Sat 24-Nov-12 08:51:04

It seems to me that you are in the grip of an addiction - an addiction to a person. Addiction is the same across the board: the substance/behaviour is used to escape real life, usually because real life is too painful to face for a myriad reasons. We're talking unbearably painful.

If you get along to a therapist at the very earliest, you will be able to start working on why you are throwing your life and peace of mind away for what is, essentially, a total con; a construct that is used to escape personal responsibility. That sounds harsh but it isn't - there could be any number of reasons why some of us find real life unbearable and genuinely don't know how to take responsibility for our lives.

At the moment, your addiction has got you by the throat and you very probably feel entirely helpless to stop it. That's a good place to be in one sense, though it is extremely painful. Along with booking a therapist at your earliest convenience, you could look into attending 12-step programmes that deal specifically with addiction to a person/people. Coda is one such place, find the meetings here . You will meet people like you and that in itself is a balm, as the general population finds the addict repugnant and you don't need that, not at this stage, anyway. You will come to the stage where you loathe the addiction that has you by the throat, but you will learn to separate yourself from it and start learning to cherish who you really are - probably for the first time in your life.

mathanxiety Sat 24-Nov-12 00:44:17

You may never really want to, but there is such a grown up thing as doing things because they are the right thing to do and not something you really want to do. This is the right thing to do, and if you won't do it for yourself (because it is a good thing for you to let go of this fantasy you have been indulging in) then do it for your OH and your DCs. The longer you consciously force yourself to do the right thing the better you will feel about it and the stronger you will feel.

You are never going to stop contact or want to stop contact if you wait until the mood is right/wind is blowing in the right direction/moon is in Capricorn, etc. You are never going to want to stop contact while still indulging in your fantasy and contacting him. You have to go cold turkey.

You need to act like a grownup. You are not a lovestruck teenager. This is obsession and it is neither right nor healthy. You need to learn to say no to yourself.

You don't need to put everyone before yourself. You need to put your genuine self esteem and self pride first and start living wholly in reality. To do that you need to deny yourself the indulgence in fantasy that you have allowed yourself. You need to put the DCs and OH first in this respect though -- what they have in their home and family is real and in the case of the children the only life, home and family they have ever known. You need to make it as real for you as it is for them. Being in love with a man for 28 years is not living in the real world. You need to engage only with reality and end the fantasising.

If you have been in love with this OM for 28 years you have held something of yourself back from your OH and children. If you have recently spent 5 consecutive days with him, where have your family been all that time? Don't play the martyr here. Start looking at what you have and being genuinely grateful. Maybe begin keeping a gratitude journal? It will help you focus on what is real in your life. There are gratitude journal apps you can download, and a book by Sara Ban Breathnach that could get you started. You should do this even if you don[t want to.

Please read NoraG's post and think about it.

And do you really think you can only find yourself by having an affair? Really? Have some self-respect. Sorry but really.... Perhaps you could get a job? Train for a marathon. Volunteer. Do you think you could be depressed? I can't see any other reason you'd think having an affair was a good way to find yourself...

waltermittymistletoe Fri 23-Nov-12 14:54:47

It's more likely that he shagged someone with it and gave it to you.

This big love affair that you were having: he wasn't. He was having no strings sex and you're messing with the plan by wanting to leave your DH.

You are indulging in a lot of self-pity here. Please, don't keep painting yourself as the victim of self-sacrifice. You will be doing your DH a great disservice if you stay with him.

He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him. Not someone who has to stick it out because the man she fucked doesn't want her anymore.

This is not just about you, much as you would like it to be.

Give your DH the chance to be with someone who deserves him. Then stay alone while you work out what exactly you want. That way, you can't hurt anyone else.

amillionyears Fri 23-Nov-12 14:43:57

I have a suspicion that if or when it ends with OM, you will drift into another affair with someone else. Am I right?

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 14:19:31

What do you do?

You think long and hard about how your dp/ children will react. You will think about the impact on their lives. Think about how they will feel to know how you put getting your leg over in front of their family. Think about how your dp will feel when he realises he is not the love of your life and you have spent your married life being in love with someone else.

Then cut all contact, everything. Facebook, email. Everything.

Moving out may be a good idea so you can decide if you want to remain married or not. Independent of OM.

As for you comments about putting everyone in front of you and do you have accept you are only a wife and mother. This is you looking to jusitfy what you are doing.
You don't have to accept that 'wife and mother' are your only roles in life. But the alternative is not to shag an ex and devastate you family. A wife and mother is part of who you are and therefore is part of any major decisions you make.

Being a good wife and sahm doesn't give you license to behave how you wish and say its in the name of 'finding yourself'.

Over the last few years you have done things for yourself, as you have said. But mayb they are not the right things. Or maybe you just don't want to be with your dp, in which case all the hobbies in the world won't fix it. And he deserves to be with someone who thinks he is the love of their life and doesn't spend the marriage wanting someone else.

I know I sound a bitch. but honestly OP your posts come across as though you think you are a victim and helpless in all this. As though you just woke up and found yourself in this position. You didn't. Your choices brought you to where you are.

Abitwobblynow Fri 23-Nov-12 12:51:45

What do you do with any other addiction: alcohol, drugs? You go cold turkey. Stop FEEDING the addiction. Get rid of ALL contact. Is this prince married himself?

We can all see he is an utter knob who doesn't really care about you, I hope you are able to face this soon (you will be very angry when you do).

Get yourself into counselling, I would say twice a week at this stage. It will be such a relief when you find someone who hears you, and takes you seriously.

You are starting to address the original feelings (SAHM, being taken for granted). Go to counselling, face how you are going to move on from this moment and how you are going to deal with your H. Personally, I wouldn't tell him about the affair, because that is just offloading your guilt and his agony will be too much to bear.

But I don't know about the std factor.

1, Drop OM. Forget about him (or act as if you have)
2. Tell your partner. Seeing his pain might well help to kill the addiction.
3. Move out as you had planned (but not to be with OM obviously). Get your head together, give yourself space to think it all through. Ditto for your H.
4. Counselling

Don't try to hide things, don't run away (suicide), put your children first.

HTH x

Ihavemessedup Fri 23-Nov-12 12:31:43

....more sorry....
None of this is stopping me wanting more and thinking that my strong feelings for him are real life and we could live happily ever after.

I feel it is a bit surreal at the moment and if I was looking in I know what I ought to do but need to get there.

Re giving more of myself to others. As a sahm for over 10 yrs and supportive wife for at least most of our marriage I have always given everything to others and I feel I am trying to reclaim me? Or is a mother and wife just always a mother and wife. How do I put everyone before me and accept that?

Thank you x

Ihavemessedup Fri 23-Nov-12 12:28:22

mathanxiety thank you.

I know I should block calls. Don't see him anymore. Defriended from fb etc etc but how do I get myself to the stage where I WANT to do that and therefore it will last, rather than just doing it to just stop contact? I feel that if I don't want to do that then even if I do it I am not getting to the root of the problem of me understanding and accepting I will never be with him. Otherwise next time I crave a bit of drama won't I just call him again? I need to make myself want to stop contact rather than just do it don't I?

I think the addiction to him is fuelled by the fun and drama it creates in my boring life. I have tried things to widen my interests...recently joined a gym, been on an outdoor climbing weekend, and signed up to a 2 year reflexology course which is almost finished....this I have been doing for 2 yrs (I am a sahm) in order to broaden my horizons and find new challenges.

None of these things seem to work at stopping me being bored and wanting more.

Thanks for your help with this. I think I am starting to break through x

I'm going to be quite harsh now - if you and OM genuinely are having your first herpes attack - the feeling ill and outbreak of sores, pain urinating, suggest it might well be - then that probably means you were both infected recently. That suggests to me he may have caught it a couple of days before he infected you. Think about what that means.

He is a player, he doesn't really love you or he would be with you. He is not saving you from himself through some act of valour, he really can't be bothered, he just likes the idea of you worshipping him.

Damash12 Fri 23-Nov-12 03:32:02

Hi I how you are feeling better and can think a little more clearly. My first advice is go and see your GP, tell them you are down and maybe arrange for some counselling or medication as what you are going through is shock/ grief/ depression. Nothing is unsolvable and worth not seeing your children for.
Secondly herpes is one of the most common sti's with 1 in 4 people having or being a carrier. You could have had this in your system for along time and it is activated by stress (which you quite clearly are suffering from) however if this is your first attack and very painful I would say it's more likely you caught it from the OM but that just imop. It is sad but certainly not the end of the world.
Thirdly the OM sadly he's not sounding like the person you thought he was and in one if your posts you mentioned being bored. Again my opinion only but could it be the attention/excitement that has maybe dipped from life with your husband (which it always does) I would suggest cutting ties with this guy right now until you can think straight but don't let him make you think you are responsible for giving this STI, I think he's panicking not your planning on leaving Oh.
Finally, your husband, can you see a future, could you work at it? Is he a kind loving man? Park the STI issue out of the equation for now, you may at some point have to tell him but not yet. Could you have a bit of time alone or maybe together away from the drudgery of normal life to see how you feel. It may be a new start for both of you or you may decide it's a new start just for you. Again sorry to be blunt but if the other guy isn't there for you now he never was and never will be so he doesn't deserve your tears.
Please get help and I know and can guarantee that 3 weeks/3months/ 3 years from now your situation will have changed and you will wonder why you ever felt so bad at this time but do get support. Please update or at least let us know you are ok. X

mathanxiety Fri 23-Nov-12 02:06:29

The first step is to stop thinking along the drastic lines you have been indulging in -- forget about ending it all; that is just drama, and catastrophisation. Suicide must be completely off the table for you. You must promise yourself that you will never tell your OH that the word ever entered your head. He doesn't need to carry that burden so don't dump it on him. To tell him would be selfish. Part of developing better boundaries is understanding what is fair and what is unfair to dump on other people.

Being real means accepting you have probably hurt your OH deeply and that it is up to him to decide how he wants to proceed from here on. You will need counselling to get to the point where you can see what you have done here, see how you want to go forward, and how to talk to your OH without making the situation a lot worse than it is already, so I urge you to find a counsellor to talk with asap. You need to ask the counsellor how to establish mature priorities when making decisions, how to have better boundaries (respecting others and respecting yourself) and how to start taking your responsibilities to others seriously even when there is no obvious or immediate benefit to you.

Take a deep breath and deal with the herpes thing if it turns out to be the case. Stop thinking of it in terms of a cosmic comeuppance for you. Again that is unwarranted dramatisation. Talk to a counsellor about the relationship end of things (the relationship with your OH and the relationship with the OM) and your addiction to 'possibility' and drama and challenge and why you want someone who is basically unavailable to you (there is fear of real commitment here), and your inability to be present in your own real life while doing most of your existing in a larger than life, hopped up, dramatic version in your head.

You need to erase the OM's number from your phone and block calls from his number. You need to block his emails (send them to spam or whatever and empty your spam folder without checking it) and you need to unfriend him if you communicate on FB. If there are any other means of communicating then you need to cut them off too. Never drive or walk near where he lives or where you know he goes regularly. If you work together take serious steps to find a new job.

This might be a useful page for you on the subject of boundaries and using the word NO to yourself and to others. (Some of this site is a bit woo but the boundaries page is pretty solid imo).

hopespringy Fri 23-Nov-12 02:03:07

It's not as simple as that Monty.

You're addicted because there's a big unloved hole in the core of you and it looked for an insane, heady minute that he was the one to plug that gap. It's usually abusive people who look like they're the one to right every wrong in your life, only they aren't the answer, they just make a very good impersonation of looking like they are. Just like any addiction, it's one massive con which promises nirvana but actually destroys you. the OM is bad news - you'll see that one day.

Counselling is important to plumb the depths about what went wrong so that your needs weren't met at the proper time and in the proper way - usually childhood. You won't be the first OP. In fact, join a very packed group. People hide it but it takes something like this to bring it out.

Monty27 Fri 23-Nov-12 01:05:44

OP, I've skimmed through.

Just accept he's a knob?

Good luck. Mistakes are hard to rectify. But not insurmountable.

Ihavemessedup Fri 23-Nov-12 00:45:16

Wow mathanxiety you are so spot on with my feelings. I have read your reply a hundred times. Thank you.

I need to get over this addiction. You are right.

No I don't sabotage relationships.

Love the point about accepting that I am loved.

And giving more of me to children.

I will keep re reading. It all makes sense. But how do I get over the addiction. That is my stumbling block. I can't just draw a line. I know I'll move it. I need to start taking actual steps to get this addiction out my life.

Thank you

Dee333 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:05:58

After reading the thread, I just wanted to praise Guiltypleasures on her helpful and understanding reply, if only we could all have a good friend like you in RL. Too many people judge straight away without any understanding of peoples situations and sometimes all people want is to hear it's going to be ok. Good on ya Guiltypleasures

mathanxiety Thu 22-Nov-12 21:27:01

Indeed he is, and falling for it so badly shows there is a huge amount of work to do if you are serious about moving on with your life with or without your OH and DCs.

Xales Thu 22-Nov-12 18:03:32

Oh please the OM is feeding you a crock of bull shit.

Bottom line is if he really wanted to be with you he would. All the words and heart drawn out sighs are nothing but hot air. End of the day now you have decided to be with him this is not what he wants with you permanently so it 'just doesn't work and there are too many obstacles'.

If you still want to be with him despite it not happening do your H a favor set him free so that he can start to heal and eventually meet someone who deserves him. It is not fair to only stay with him because OM no longer wants you. If OM changed his mind at any time you would be off like a shot.

I hope you have good news on the STI and it can be sorted for you!

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 18:00:56

Affairs are about addiction. What you have with OM is not love and would not last (in this intensity).

How did the affair start? What was happening at home? Did you stop home sex because you only wanted OM?

mathanxiety Thu 22-Nov-12 17:48:24

That statement of yours where you said the OM is like a drug for you is a hit the nail on the head moment. You are going to have to examine what this addiction holds for you. The ups and downs you mention signify a man who really is not good for you. It is easy to get addicted to this kind of person and they do an incredible amount of damage. They are dangerous and it is all very intense, and they make decent people seem boring by comparison.

I think you are too panicked right now to get the ins and outs of herpes straight in your head. Herpes is a practical problem and relatively easy to deal with.

The big problem is your addiction and the questions you need to ask yourself going forward are -
What is it about the drama that accompanies the OM that you crave?
How are you going to start living in the here and now and appreciate it warts and all?
How are you going to start taking back power over your own life from this OM?
What is it that has led you to give away your power in your life up to now?

I think you need to also ask can you live a bit more for others than for yourself -- not out of guilt but out of a positive will to give the best you can of yourself to your children and OH, and not out of neediness for reassurance that you are loved? Do you think you could embrace the kind of relationship that develops when you put your heart and soul into it or are you afraid of potential rejection? Do you think you can make recovery from this addiction a priority so that you can be a whole woman again? You have given 28 years of your life to this man, to 'possibility'. Can you draw a line under this and start putting yourself front and centre in your own life and putting what you have in the here and now first? (what you have in the here and now is your OH and your DCs)

Is it sometimes easier to take on some project like a fixer upper sort of man who is unpredictable and gives you ups and downs than to live with a man whose love is something you can take as a given -- do you need to be constantly reassured of love or are you able to take it for granted? A man who takes your power away from you and has you revolving around him will blow hot and cold and make you worry constantly about where you stand. The ups will be thrilling but the downs will bring you to where you are now. Do you think you self sabotage in relationships? Do you do things that provoke? Do you crave drama? Sometimes it's easier to feel constantly challenged to make someone love you than to accept that you are loved.

I agree with what NoraG posted. What I am urging you to do is accept the real life you have, make genuine amends for withholding a big part of yourself from your real life, your OH and your DCs while nurturing an unhealthy fantasy, and develop better boundaries and healthy self esteem to replace what you have been hobbling along with up to now. What has been going on with this OM is sad, but it is a toxin you have encouraged and you need to take responsibility for what you have done to allow that poison into your life and by extension your OH's and your DCs'. Thinking of suicide is the opposite of taking that responsibility.

I urge you to find a counsellor and make it a priority to deal with your own issues here. I also think you and your OH need to sit down with a relationship counsellor. Do whatever it takes to get access to a counsellor soon. Do not join a waiting list -- sacrifice if necessary to get counselling asap.

Ihavemessedup Thu 22-Nov-12 16:44:18

I read her posts. Unfortunately I'm not that far away from OM or it moght make it easier. Although it doesnt soubd like it for her. Not same town but just a couple of hours away.

Charbon Thu 22-Nov-12 15:59:00

Are you the poster who has had 3 other threads about re-connecting with an old flame who lives thousands of miles away?

amillionyears Thu 22-Nov-12 15:49:49

You are in a panic.
Things may change and things may alter.

But now is so not the time to make rash decisions.

Wait for the results. I know, waiting for important news is very difficult to do.
But I think you can do it.

Your main problem in time may be getting over the OM. You have been in love with him for 28 years, That is a huge part of your life. And it is going to take time to process it all through.

For now, wait and sit tight.
And keep posting if you want, as that may help with the waiting process.

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