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Just don't know what to do...not sure ignoring this is going to work!!!

(50 Posts)
Ghostie Tue 20-Nov-12 16:36:59

So this is really rather complicated DH and I have been married a 1 1/2 years, but been together 8 years. DD is 2 and I am 7 months pregnant with DD 2.

DH is Australian and at the weekend, after a few glasses of wine and during our exciting weekly dose of X-factor, told me that he is thinking that he wants to go home. We have tossed the idea around lots of times, but I always say to my family he never really says he wants to go home, so this weekend he said, so I'm telling you now I am starting to think that I want to go home.

He told me how much he is not enjoying life here any more, that the weather at home would be much more conducive to a happy family life. He thinks I will find work less demanding and stressful in Oz. He just said there is nothing to his life now. I couldn't disagree, other than DD and the impending second DD life feels like a bit of slog and we don't seem to have much of a relationship left...and therein lies part of the rub!

I don't want to go, not only because the idea of leaving my family breaks my heart and stupid things like I don't want our DDs to have an Aussie accent and important things like I think this country is more culturally and intellectually rich, but really sadly I am no longer secure enough in our relationship to follow him all that way.

I have tried talking to him about the fact that I feel all he does is criticise or 'tell me off' that there is a lack of tenderness, that we never do anything together. Being pregnant I thought he might show more care and interest, but he never asks me how I am feeling, how the baby is or anything. And as for our sex life it is none existant and this is an on going thing (other than the obvious success of being pregnant) I feel totally de-sexed unattractive and I guess that I feel he loves me, but is not interested in me sexuallly or in love with me...sometimes I don't think he likes me very much - and this is not about being pregnant. We never do anything together and he shows no interest in doing things with me, other than sitting and watching T.V. We are both bored and frustrated...maybe a move would help.

I am just needing to find a way to discuss these things without being hurtful or it disolving into a row or slanging match and this seems impossible! Just not sure of the best way to move forward...

I suspect - for him - the lack of sex life and all the other issues are probably as a result of his unhappiness with life here. Not saying that's right, just trying to find a reason.

But this isn't something you can ignore. You have to have a proper discussion. Hardly an un-stressful topic to discuss when you're 7 mths pregnant, sadly.

GirlsTimesThree Tue 20-Nov-12 17:08:05

I've just joined up to reply to this.
I just wanted to know if you're aware of the rules re taking your kids out of Australia once you/they are living there? I apologise if you already know. Australia is signed up to The Hague Convention which means that you wouldn't be allowed to bring your DDs home without your DHs permission. I know of women who are stuck there, unhappy, but unable to leave because their ex won't let them take the children.
Just something else for you to consider.

NatashaBee Tue 20-Nov-12 17:23:14

Very good point, GirlsTimesThree, it is notoriously difficult to remove children from Aus once they've established residency there.

Having said that, it is a lovely country and I agree with some of his points. Have you ever been to Australia? do you like it there? You could at least show him that you are taking his thoughts seriously by sitting down, crunching some numbers and seeing what kind of money you'd get for selling your house, how much money you could save in a set amount of time before you move, what you could buy over there and how much you could both earn. If he wants to consider moving, then he needs to help you figure out how it's going to work.

Does he have family there? Could you go for an extended holiday once you've had your baby (I'm assuming you will have a reasonable maternity leave if you are working) and test the waters?

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 17:32:34

Australia is one of those countries you have to leave to get a decent job.

buggerama Tue 20-Nov-12 18:00:12

Apocalypto - I dont think sweeping statements which are untrue and in fact bordering on xenophobic are particularly helpful to the OP. HTH

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 18:01:19

Go on then. What top class industries does Australia have?

aPirateInaPearTree Tue 20-Nov-12 18:08:54

maybe the draw to go is giving him something exciting to think about, but he needs to really wonder if it will help or hinder your relationship.

sometimes changes need to be adressed nearer to where the real problem is, ie your relationship?

no way should you go until you have talked, had a proper chat about your future together, where ever that may be. i say this as someone who moved, not the other side of the world but after the initial flush of the planning and new environment, we were still not 'right' and we split.

HilaryClinton Tue 20-Nov-12 18:09:52

Mining?

Ghostie Tue 20-Nov-12 18:10:53

Thanks guys, I hadn't thought about the my legal rights about coming home again, although I did think that it would be hard to come home again once we left.

We are both teachers, so finding work should not be that hard, although I run a big department here, so it will definitely be a big step back for me in term of my career - but maybe he is right and I would get some work life balance, which is really really hard here.

I have been to Oz twice and we are going again for three weeks at easter. He has lots of family and young parents who adore our DD and they are great with her, both on Skype and in person. However, and this is really snobbish, but I think true, his family will not provide our DDs with the kind of situlation that my family will.

I definitely have to take his feelings and look at this seriously and it is a situation that is always worse in November, Jan and Feb, when the weather is shite and getting out about a pain. He is obviously unhappy...I am not really that happy either...so something has got to give...just not sure what and how...

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 18:15:44

OK, mining. That's [http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/Latestproducts/8418.0Main%20Features72009%20to%202010?opendocument&tabname=Summary&prodno=8418.0&issue=2009%20to%202010&num=&view= 135,000 jobs].

What are the others doing?

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 18:17:35

did you not consider this before now? I have always avoided relationships with people from overseas because if it develops one set of grandparents is going to miss out. best not to go there.

as you say, you could get a job, but it'll be a worse one.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 18:26:49

That is exceptionally insular foresighted of you, Apocalypto. Have you had to fight them off?

MushroomSoup Tue 20-Nov-12 18:35:53

<wonders how Apocalypto copes with fighting all these forriners off>

beachyhead Tue 20-Nov-12 18:40:54

I'm not sure you should be making a decision like this when you are 7 months pregnant....by all means, do all your research but its hard to commit at this stage of your family growing...

AThingInYourLife Tue 20-Nov-12 18:43:39

You need to talk to him about the state of your relationship.

You would be crazy to give up your life to move to the other side of the world with a man you are not happy with.

I had to leave an excellent job in Australia to come back to the uk. Odd sweeping statement.

HecatePropylaea Tue 20-Nov-12 18:53:48

I wouldn't even consider agreeing to this while your relationship is rocky.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 18:56:23

Well I grew up in Aus, happily we returned - without my dad.

It's a great place to go for a couple of years on a work placement (as my DSis did) or for a short term career opportunity (as a neighbour just did) or something like that.

Permanently? No way. You'd hate it.

Anyway, there's no point even considering it unless you both want to do it. If you and your DH married in the expectation that he would stay here, then he's being unfair.

To be honest, your problems seem to go far further than where you both want to live. I think that's a symptom, not the cause of your unhappiness as a couple.

Your DH sounds only half engaged with your marriage and your family.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 19:01:26

I think it's actually a bit of a mistake coming and going the way you have described anyway - well done you for doing it with a LO though.

It'll take a huge chunk of money to do regular visits when your children are older in any case - and maybe that's what he's suddenly woken up to.

Just bear in mind that if you live there, you won't be able to afford to see your family very regularly when your children are older either!

WholeLottaRosie Tue 20-Nov-12 19:05:59

I think I'd be concerned about getting there, giving it a go, and absolutely hating it - the being isolated from my own family - and then having no choice but to stay there because of the children not being allowed to leave.

Viviennemary Tue 20-Nov-12 19:10:18

It's very difficult when the two of you want different things. I think if I was younger I'd certainly try a new life in another country. I think it's important to go whilst your children are young. Though I know somebody who went to NZ with young teenagers and they all love it. But everyone's different. This isn't probably the best time for you to be worrying about making these life changing decisions. Why wouldn't the children be allowed to leave?

MaMaPo Tue 20-Nov-12 19:27:04

Talk to him about it. Think about it. Think about the pros of living in the UK v Australia - you say the UK is more "culturally and intellectually rich" {--snobby--] but if you're sat in front of the telly, what difference does it make to you?

I sounds like you need a plan with your husband to mix things up, challenge yourselves, and live a slightly different life. Whether trying out life in Australia is one of the things you put on the list might be a good idea.

Apocalypto, you have no idea. My field is much more advanced in Australia than the UK, and to really get anywhere with my career I am going to have to head over there. So well done for having strongly held yet ignorant beliefs.

GirlsTimesThree Tue 20-Nov-12 20:26:48

It is a huge thing to do though, even when your relationship is strong. I really do think it's something you both have to want to make it work. I think it would be very tough with a rocky relationship, young children and away from your obviously close family.
Your DH will have his family who will be delighted to have you there, but may not be able to empathise if you find you hate it.
I loved living there and we probably will go back at some point, but don't underestimate how isolating it can be.
I agree with whoever said not to make any decisions while you're still pregnant. Your concerns about moving there are very valid - it's a lovely place to bring up children, but you still have to go to work, wash, iron, pay bills etc. My DCs have spent part of their childhoods in both countries and had a great time in both - it's not necessarily better there.
The other thing to check is if you will definitely be able to work there without doing any extra training, qualifications. I'm not a teacher, but I know the requirements are not always the same, which does catch some people out.

Ghostie Tue 20-Nov-12 21:13:18

Thanks I think I am just feeling down...my general concerns about our relationship are whirling around in my head all the time and there is generally a lot going on in my life, as well as being 31 weeks pregnant...as many of you say not a good time to be trying to make huge decisions or chuck everything up in the air and start again!

I really really do want to talk to DH, it is just trying to find a way that doesn't turn into a confrontation and soemthing really upsetting that we end up backing away from and going back to a nothingness...maybe this is why he wants to move. It is so tempting, for both of us, to believe that the grass will be greener, life will be happier and easier and so on.

It was a good point about my snobbishness, I know I can be a real snob about this, but some people he grew up with have given me really good reason and can be just offensive! We would never live where he grew up, we both know that and we do have a couple of really good friends there. It is not like there haven't been times when work is rubbish and the weather is crap that I haven't thought life would be nicer...

I guess there are two separate issues, our relationship and then where we end up living. We do need to do something about our lives it feels a bit empty, but we are both always so tired. I guess that is what is getting him down the daily grind in grey country where we are always stuck in-doors.

Just need to find a way and pick my chin up!!

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