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I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

(318 Posts)
MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:02

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 14:47:17

I don't know what he will say or do, that's the thing I'm scared of because it could be anything. I know I don't need my mums permission but it would be nice to have a port in the storm if I have to leave.
I didn't say I was fit, my brother said "oh well if we're on the subject [family resemblance] Xx said your sister's fit but it would be like kissing you but with long hair].

Totally out of my control.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 20-Nov-12 14:47:18

Sounds like the older he'll get the more insecure controlling he'll get and the older you get the more you'll outgrow and feel suffocated by him.

If I were you, I'd make plans for my departure.

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 14:49:29

And my mum might think that I don't know. Also she has lent us money for our house and I know she will worry about that. She has no need to though because I can still pay her back even on my own.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 14:53:05

\Well you are being very closed on it all. You are afraid we'll flame you if you fully describe how you got together. So maybe you went all out and seduced him and he was previously happily married but you persued him and now he cannot believe you wont do it again? Who knows if you dont tell us. Perhaps you do deserve to have this miserable period, for you to fully reflect on the damage you did.

Sioda Tue 20-Nov-12 14:53:26

Your mum might think you don't know what?

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:54:01

Can anyone link to the article of "signs you are dating a loser"? I can't from here.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:56:08

Any other friends with a spare room you could stay in for a month or so if you left? Would your mum not give you a spare bed if you left him? Does your mum know it's that serious or does she just think you're whinging? (Might be worth spelling it out to her)

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:56:11

Do you want to stay married to him?

What good sides does he have?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:56:53

If you own a house together, and your mum lent you money for it, there is no reason why you should leave the marital home.

Can he leave?

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 14:56:55

Sioda, she might think that I've made my bed as someone suggested earlier.

I didn't pursue him really, I was flattered by the attention. It was a while before I realised he was married (he wasn't hiding it, I wasn't particularly interested in him at first) then once I sort of fell for him I think I pursued things more. I didn't actively go out to trap a married man.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:58:24

The fact that he was married when you met is a red herring.

The point is that you seem to be in a marriage that is not quite working out for you. You are still young, you have no children with him, moving on should be relatively easy.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:59:13

Is this the one you mean, dontmind ?

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 15:05:35

His good sides, when he's nice he is really lovely and thoughtful. We used to have a great time together and always laughing but recently he has got worse and it's always a bit strained. I don't know if I want to stay married to him or not, it's only been three years and like lots of you have said I DO feel like he sacrificed a lot for me...
I just feel so low about it all I can barely lift a pen at work, it just seems so pointless.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 15:07:19

AF - that's the one! MrsMorton - read the article AF has linked too. You might find it is in someways describing your marriage.

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 15:09:58

So how do you feel about not having kids?

Have you every actually had a discussion about kids even just along the lines of him say 'i have had the snip, you know I can't have kids. Are you ok with that' and you saying 'yes'.

Surely you had even a 10 second discussion.

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 15:14:07

Yes, very early on. But certainly not since we started living together fiveish years ago.
I don't really know how I feel, it's just been a thing I have accepted for the last 7 years. If I was given the opportunity to I don't know what I would do now...

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 15:16:25

I really, really hope you don't throw away your childbearing years on this inadequate man.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 15:17:05

So really, you were just a young spring chicken of 22 when you met!

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 15:19:10

There's a lot of "I doooonn't knoooows..." in your posts, OP.

What do you know ?

You have married a man who is wrong, wrong, wrong in several different ways. You are gradually losing yourself in it all. You don't even know what you want any more...you just know you don't want this

So, what are you going to do about it ? Drift for another 7 years ? Curtail your life to please your controlling dick of a husband ? Look back in another 7 and realise you threw away your youth on this man, and it was still never enough ?

What ?

Viviennemary Tue 20-Nov-12 15:21:44

If you were not married when you first met your DH then you were not the one doing the cheating. So I can't see his problem really. You were the other women but so were a lot of people presumably.

helpyourself Tue 20-Nov-12 15:21:59

Run! And celebrate and be happy that you've worked this out now.
It was a very bad call getting involved with a married father, but on a scale where the very worst is targeting the Family and gas lighting the mother your sins barely register. Don't waste the rest of your life because of a mistake you made when you were in your early 20s.

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 15:26:34

I know AF, I just feel so worn down by it all that I don't know what I want anymore.
I'm so grateful for an outlet for it all though because is RL everyone is judgy and I can't tell people the whole story. Now I need to think about a plan.

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 15:31:54

I have read that lack of trust is an issue in relationships based on betrayal. That you both know what you are capable.

Mrs Morton, what do you feel about children in the future?
What are your thoughts on Charbon's comment that his behaviour towards his wife was your first indicator of the man you were involved with?
Do you love him?
Are you scared of him?
How do you get on with his children?
What does he do if you cross him (go out, disagree with his opinion, etc)?

The nice part of me thinks what do you expect, you brought all on this on yourself and helped cause a lot of hurt to other people. confused
The other part of me thinks that you shouldn't have to pay for that mistake for the rest of your life, because you sound like you are a really nice person, who has looked at that stuff, regret it and has already paid for it..

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 15:34:04

Yes, very early on. But certainly not since we started living together fiveish years ago.

If this is in reply to when I asked if you had discussed kids, I don't get why the discussion would come up again.
he can't have them. It needs discussing once so you are clear, by certainly not again unless you change your mind.

MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 15:35:48

WObbly, I will answer your questions in order.

Yes, I understand the comments re: his wife. I thought I was special though and it would be different.
Yes I do love him
Yes I am scared of him sometimes
I get on well with the older boys, not so well with his daughter.
If I cross him he sulks, texts me with questions, doesnt speak to me.

Yes, that's how I feel. I have made my bed and this is penance for it.

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