Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

partner has left im pregnant

(73 Posts)
Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:55:25

Would love some advice im so low at the moment.
I am 31 and a mum to 5 children (3 from a previous relationship) and I am currently pregnant with number 6. The pregnancy wasnt planned, I was on the pill but had a stomach bug around time I conceived. Partner wanted me to have an abortion and to a point bullied me,I gave in and made an appointment but when I got there I couldnt do jt. Fast forward im now 21 weeks. Partner wasnt very supportive wouldnt attend scans with me always made an excuse ie work etc. I booked a private scan at a time he couldnt get out of and he came though he had no interest in being there. Once he saw the baby he mellowed and even took me looking at prams afterwards. That was 5 weeks ago. He has been picking arguments always going out to the gym called me fat and ugly on a few occasions when I have asked what the lack of affection was about. Last tuesday he picked an argument and walked out on me and the children. On thursday night I was in a lot of pain and started to bleed.. Rang and asked him to take me to hospital he refused. He wouldnt even come watch the children. A neighbour watched them for me. I had to stay in. Scan showed I suffered a partial placental abruption. I again tried to call him as did hospital he ignored us all. I had no one to mind children so against doctors advice i discharged myself. On friday my Grandma died. He hasnt asked how I was until yesterday. He the told me he wished baby had died. He said he left because i nag a lot (probably true but he does nothing in house) and that he is never coming back. I asked about children when he wanted them and that we needed financial support he refused. This is out of character he has totally changed. I have wondered if there is someone else. I feel so down and heartbroken. How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work. Any advice? sorry its so long

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 20-Nov-12 11:07:00

Good grief I don't know where to start with this 'man'.

I think you need to start to plan your future without him.

He didn't care you were in hospital
He wouldn't come see his own children
He doesn't want to contribute to his own children.
He wished your baby dead shock
He calls you names.
He does nothing to help you.

Honestly OP, I know at the moment it all feels horrendous but read the above, I think your life might be nicer & happier without him

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:16:52

I know. If it wasnt such a sudden change I would understand more. He is hard working was great with all my children and a lovely caring person. This is not like him. We have been together 6 years. Im just trying to look after myself and my children its just really difficult when im not 100 percent and feel ill constantly.Had problems all way through pregnancy. Low blood pressure and fainting still being sick every day even though im 21 weeks the placental abruption i also have spd so even walking is painful. I feel very let down by him. He see's no problem with his behaviour.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 11:20:50

How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work? As it comes very easily to some you're best advised to order your affairs to take account of his absence because it doesn't sound as if he'll be back in the near future.

What have the medics prescribed? Should you be on bedrest? Do you have relatives/friends who will rally round and help care for the dc if/when you are unable to?

How are you managing financially? Have you claimed benefits and intitiated a claim for child support through the CSA?

Is your home rented or mortgaged? Is it in joint names?

Time will reveal if he has an ow tucked away somewhere. If he has, heave a sigh of relief that this waste of space has been taken off your hands and get on with creating the best possible future for yourself and your dc.

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Nov-12 11:24:42

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

When exactly did he change for the worse? From everything you've said about him he sounds like he's been horrible to you for a long time sad Bullying you to have an abortion 5 or so months ago? Calling you names, not caring about your health or the children. He sounds like someone you would be better off without. Have you got other support, family or friends that can help you?

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:18

The only family i have is my grandma and she is almost 70. My mum left me when I was 6 weeks old so have no mum to speak of. My great grandma died last week. The house is mine. I had it before we met. I dont really want to go down the csa route but i will if i have to. I have a friend who is doing what she can. Other than that i am alone. I called his mum but she didnt seem bothered and took the side of her son saying i must kf done something to make him behave like this. I should be on total bedrest but as I dont have the help to enable me to do that i cant. Im trying to balance the needs or my children with them of my unborn son. I am doing the bare minimum washing getting them to bed getting them to school and cooking simple quick meals and resting as much as i can inbetween. I have had to let the house work slide. The kids are helping when they can. The only thing he has called for is to ask if he can have his xbox back. He has been nasty on and off for 5 months. It wasnt constantly but spread out he seemed to flit between wanting the baby and resenting it.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:24:39

Aw, what a great shame his xbox jumped out of your hands and leapt into the lavatory. Never mind. Dry it out and wrap it up and, with luck, he'll never know smile

This is a time to muddle along as best you can without overexerting yourself. How old are your dc? Microwave meals and opportunities for a bit of mayhem while dm's resting? That'll be fun for them.

Put your feet up as much possible and get the CSA on to him sooner rather than later

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:44

My eldest son is 13 and autistic it has hit him very hard as he hates change. My daughter is 8 my son is 6 then we have 4 year old and 3 year old sons. I thought about giving him the xbox back in pieces but im trying to be the better person and give him no reason for his disgusting behaviour!

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:57:41

You are being amazingly restrained, honey - other women would have put his xbox up in a place where the sun don't shine.

Having him come to your home to collect the damn thing can only cause upset. I suggest you parcel it up, mark it 'fragile' and 'do not drop' and trust Royal Mail to deliver it in pieces.

It occurs to me there may be mumsnetters near you who'd be willing to lend a hand/help you out. Have you got a NEW Local for your area?

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 20-Nov-12 13:00:09

work out how much money you need from him just now then tell him he can have his xbox back at that cost. He is behaving like a child!

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:51

I told him he was disgusting and that he sb
should be ashamed of himself. He asked his mother to help out with his children whilst I was ill she lives 300 miles away and would want to take my 2 youngest down south where she lives. ( I dont trust her tbh) I told both of them that they was his children and he should be the one looking after them he accused me of verbally abusing him and telling him how awful he was so he would come back.

Your going through a lot :-(. I agree with Izzy, your taking thus amazingly... I would if probably smashed it for stress relief!

How irresponsible leaving like that and then not supporting you when you needed him. Especially when you have an Autisitic child! Your very brave... as for his mum taking his side, he's probably twisted things and made it out to be you, she will obviously believe him..

Hope everything turns out Ok for you, maybe you should start going to pregnancy/ mums groups? Surestart do them.. you'll meet lots of new people who can support you. X

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 23:21:34

I can understand he was worried about having another baby. . But lets be fair I didnt make it by myself. If he was scared of having it when there was two of us I think he is a coward to let me deal with it all alone. I keep feeling angry, sorry for myself, sorry for him wondering on earth im going to do this. The last baby I had he worked away so was furious he couldnt attend scans or appointments and missed out on kicks appointments etc this time he had the chance to do it all and chose to do non of it. I cant help but feel he will be sorry that he missed out. Do I try to include him in the pregnancy even if we are not together? Do I invite him to scans let him attend the birth let him with name choosing? My head is a mess with it all.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 23:48:35

From what you've said, he's been singularly uninvolved throughout and I dont see how you can include someone who's not around in what's occurring on a a daily basis.

Concentrate on yourself and the dc and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone who's in a position to take care of some of the daily chores for you.

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 23:59:58

Thanks for the input he has a habit of blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I thought by trying to involve him and at least asking that he would have nothing to use against me down the line. I know its his loss and he will regret it one day. I dont want him as a role model for my children, I might not be perfect but i will always be there for them.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 21-Nov-12 00:17:03

Oh gosh you poor love xxx
What a f*cking arse. Like you say it takes two to make a baby, I'm not anti abortion in the slightest but if there's ANY doubt its something you shouldn't go through with, and he should have respected that and supported you and the kids, not bugger off like a 12 year old. Like the others have said try and rest up as best you can. Xxxx

izzyizin Wed 21-Nov-12 00:17:09

When did you last see/speak to him?

Has he taken any of his belongings or suggested that he may come and collect them? Do you have a garage or garden shed you could put his possessions in?

lisad123 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:31:18

Is the father of your other children able to help at all?

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 08:39:53

I have asked him about getting the rest of his things... There is so much stuff a drum set huge whiskey collection that he doesnt drink just collects furniture that I never wanted just had because it was his. He also has a car on my drive that is sorn and a filing cabinet full of documents. He says he doesnt have the room for any more of his things so will get them when he is ready. If I say anything im being an unreasonabke bit*h.I have asked when he is having the children where will he have them and I get no answer he thinks he can pop in for 5 minutes here and there and i should be ok with that im not. It would hurt too much to see him acting like he has no care in the world! I do have a shed well an outhouse I have asked for box's to be dropped off so i can pack his things and they can be locked safely until he can collect. The father of my other children doesnt see his children. He was violent towards us all and a judge ruled he was a danger to them they havent seen him in over 6 years.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 12:18:42

Hi there, sorry you are having such a shit time. I always bang on about them, but do you have a Sure Start Childrens Centre near you? They have home visitors, who will come and help you with practical things. They can also provide lots of other support, like counselling and advice on benefits, tax credits etc. If you don't have one, then ask your doctor, or Health Visitor , or Midwife, if there is anybody that can help.

If the SPD is bad enough, would you qualify for any disability benefits temporarily? This might give you some money to pay a cleaner, or somebody to cook some meals or help you with the kids in the morning?

I was very sick for the first 20 odd weeks of my pregnancy and then had SPD so bad I could barely walk, so I totally understand the pain you have with that. It is agonising and people only understand it if they have been through it...

Are there any other mums at the school who you could ask for help, doing school runs, or having kids after school for tea etc? Its surprising how people will help in a time of need, even if you dont know them very well.

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:30:14

The spd is awful. I almost feel like one of my legs is shorter than the other. Getting out of bed in a morning is awful. I struggle to walk without the pram and the pain is so bad some days I could cry. I have a support belt but it doesnt help much.

My children go to school 2 miles away as i couldnt get them in school closer when we moved here. That was the next closest. As a result non of my neighbours children go to the same school as mine.. And non of the children from their school live as far as we do. I live in a village we do have a sure start centre but they had so many funding cuts that they dont offer too much these days. Me and the children used to attend a lot.. They even cut the coffee morning. They have been quite helpful they have secured 2 year old funding for my son and got him in nursery.
The friend who has been helping out works in the sure start centre. She did some shopping for me yesterday and brought me some pregnancy vitamins. She texts each day to ask how i am.
Ex has been in contact by text but hasnt once asked how I or the baby are. Today he asked to ask me if he could have the kitchen scales! One reason I think he has met someone else is because he went on a diet started going to the gym buying himself clothes making more of an effort. He used to always call on his lunch break to see how my day was going how the children were. Then he stopped and one day he sent me a text saying "get me a ham salad cob please x" obviously meant for someone else. If he is seeing someone from work she wont know that im pregnant as he hasnt told anyone even his boss. He also hasnt told any of his friends im 21 weeks ffs!

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 14:56:42

I think you may be right to consider that there is somebody else... sadly all of his behaviour does point to somebody else being on the scene. He is being nasty because you keeping the baby is going to "ruin his life". that is the usual story....

Is there a school bus that your kids could get on to? You could contact the local council and ask them.

Are you on any medication for the SPD? I didnt like to take too much, but the doctor reassured me that Paracetamol and CoDydramol were both ok for the baby. SPD tips, keep your legs together at all times, as much as possible, getting in and out of cars etc.... Sleep with as many pillows as you can to support your body in a comfortable position. But I know how bad it is, I used to cry with pain every day nearer the end and just wanted the baby out... Can you use crutches to get around at all? Have you seen a physio? some can be really helpful with SPD.

Regarding the ex, try and stay detached from him as much as possible. Don't let him get to you, don't let him take anything, if he wants it he can buy it for himself now. Contact the tax credit office, the council tax office, tell them that you are on your own now. I am not sure whether to suggest it or not, but if you really have nobody else to help you, would social services be able to help? You will have to go into hospital at some point and you will need to know that your children are being looked after.

Your ex has a duty to maintain his children. if he wont pay you, then get the CSA involved asap.

I would also box up all his stuff and leave it outside and tell him the time and day that you are going to do so and that he is responsible for collecting it. It is not your problem if he has nowhere to store it...... He needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions.....

Please look after yourself and keep posting here, you will get good support..

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 15:07:23

Social services have been nothing short of useless in the past ( have asked for help with autistic son and they was clueless)
I know what you mean about him probably having someone else. I have no proof but it adds up. My consultant has been quite good and said that I can be induced at 38 weeks to enable me to find someone to mind children and be allowed to go home 3 hours after baby is born as long as we are both well. As im on baby 6 they say im at high risk of bleeding and because i have very quick labours 35 minutes being the longest its safer for me to be started off.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 17:42:32

sorry to hear that, racking my brains for ways to find support for you. which part of the country do you live in? a vague county area will do...

At least the hospital are being supportive and you can make arrangements there which is good

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 18:10:06

I live in the northwest. Wigan warrington manchester bolton st helens are all close by. I appreciate everyones input.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now