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Does this adult/dc relationship seem odd???

(134 Posts)
Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:15:04

I am a single parent and have at times lived at my mums with my dd and my mums partner! My mum is 55 partner is 32!

My dd is 5 and I am uncomfortable with the relationship between her and my mums partner! He is generally very quiet but has always seemed close to dd, which I was fine with because she practically grew up in my mums house and still spends a lot of time there!

In the summer I became uncomfortable when dd went away with my mum and her partner! When they came back he seemed very close to dd and I just didn't like how they played together and it all seemed to close for comfort.

I had spoke to my mum about this and told her I don't want dd sleeping in my mums bed with my mum and partner as its not right for a grown man to sleep with a 5year old that he is not related to.

A couple of weeks ago dd told me that they had all slept in the same bed again! So I feel like my mum is not respecting my wishes!

Also in the summer after the holiday I noticed the partner was asking my dd for kisses and when she kissed him they kissed on the lips. I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!

I just feel a grown man should be making the boundeaies with a child but instead find myself telling dd, don't kiss him etc!

I think I will have another chat with my mum about it and possibly the partner too.

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 17:12:47

He pinned me to the wall by my throat. Meant to make that a little clearer.

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 17:11:41

Also as some have pointed out your mother is involved.

My mother used to let my step father pin me to the wall aged 5 as it was easier for her than dealing with his temper.

Your mother is already dismissing your opinion you cannot trust or rely on her at all.

imogengladhart Wed 21-Nov-12 14:09:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 13:56:45

izzy, again there is only so much we can do. These are children which is why they are targeted by adults who can intimidate, who are clever, who cover their tracks well.

Nobody believed me when I said that my stepdad was cruel to me. My mother fostered children (still does), they both went to church, he would help anyone who needed it, he loved little kids and more importantly, he made my mum happy and I was seen as a kid who was jealous of him, who was out to cause trouble, who lied, who was denying her mum happiness, etc. No-one heard the comments he made to me, no-one saw the looks he gave me. Even now, my dh will often say "but he's always been nice to me." There's this attitude that if someone is nice to them, that's all the evidence they need to decide that he is innocent and I am paranoid/a drama queen.

That's why I put quite a lot of emphasis on those instincts of ours. On first impressions. Yet nothing will guarantee your childrens safety. Nothing. What we do need is to bang on and on and on about it and demand that social services, the police, the government take action and start listening to our children because as we know, even when children DO speak out, they are not always believed.

perceptionreality Wed 21-Nov-12 13:49:26

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sorry to be blunt but why are you letting your dd go on holiday with someone who you feel may be abusing her??

Why is she sleeping in the same bed as him? You sound quite detached from the situation and you need to take control and get her away from him if you have any inkling that his behaviour towards her is inappropriate.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 13:42:11

Again sadly I concur. My conclusion is nothing could have kept my DCs safe from the monster in the house. I did everything as advised.

DH and I are vigalant good people and parents - and still this happened under our noses - and we didn't have a clue.

I was one of the most cautious people and it terrifies me as I now know - nothing I did kept the DCs safe and I don't know how to ensure their safety in the future.

imogengladhart Wed 21-Nov-12 13:21:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 12:25:16

Lol procrastinating

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 12:24:28

quietly yes - sadly I agree.

therhubarb yes it happens - SS have no power of removal unless here is a conviction despite trying to give a different impression. They can only suggest.

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 21-Nov-12 12:22:55

Izzy every time I see your name I automatically picture someone shaving a baby.

quietlysuggests Wed 21-Nov-12 12:18:44

People you do know that you can spend years telling a child that they must not let anyone touch them, that they can always tell you everything, that you dont keep secrets etc etc

Then some bastard comes along and says, even once - this was your fault and if your mum ever finds out she wont love you any more/ send you away/I'll kill her etc etc

And thats really all a monster has to do - threaten them

DO NOT EVER PUT THE ONUS ON A SMALL CHILD

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 11:59:09

Well that would be a basic rule yes and I cannot believe that has happened.
There is a report out today that basically says that young girls (and boys) are being raped and sexually abused by gangs and how this is dealt with differs from area to area.

Our children are being failed by bodies of so-called professional people who are failing to apply even basic common sense to situations.

And we are powerless to act and prevent further abuse. It all sucks angry

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 11:40:46

therhubarb perhaps the start would be not allowing people who are on bail for rape and sex with a child to live with under 18s - particularly potential witnesses.

MonthlyName Wed 21-Nov-12 11:29:51

Oops, just read some replies above, if the ops step dad has now turned out to be a paedophile then ignore my previous post!

MonthlyName Wed 21-Nov-12 11:28:25

Not read all the replies, I couldn't get past the wierd placement of exclamation marks in the op.
I think if he has been acting as grandad sine she was born and lived with you, then she thinks of him as grandad, and its your problem with the age gap.
As regards to the mouth kissing thing, if he's not yet had other grandchildren and seeing others do it he thinks that is normal behaviour. You said he was uncomfortable, he now kisses her on the cheek.

FWIW 1 of my grandparents isn't biological, but they were around from birth so were considered my DGP. Also my god daughter, who is nearer 4 than 3 still kisses me and my dh on the lips, because we are close to her and that's how her parents are happy for her to do when they are with us and how they have brought her up.

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 11:27:23

I'm so sorry. You can only hope that he gets reported and locked up can't you? I don't understand why they are allowed back into society. You cannot 'cure' a paedophile, the tendencies will always be there and so they will always present a danger to children. What is the answer? sad

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 11:18:50

My children are as safe as they can be - my SD is living with a self confessed paedophile and there is nothing we can do about it.

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 11:12:50

izzy, I'm sure you did everything you could, as we all do, to keep our children safe but adults are cunning, they are clever and they are very very good at hiding their true intentions and covering their tracks.

I did criminology at Uni and I remember distinctly an interview with a paedophile in which he was asked about a girl he had murdered. The question was what could have been done to prevent him from targeting her. He answered that nothing would have prevented him from getting the girl, then he paused and said that perhaps if the mother had never let the child out of her sight, but then he added that he would have probably just killed the mother too.

The full details are horrible but I wanted to illustrate just how these people work sometimes. You can be the best parent in the world but if evil is determined enough, it will find a way through.

I hope you and your family are safe now xxx

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 11:07:37

You need to point out to children that NOBODY has the right to make them do ANYTHING that feels uncomfortable.

The Sydney Snail book goes on about trusting their own feelings and if they feel uncomfortable for ANY reason, they should tell a trusted adult. They do not have to explain why.

I think that's an important point to raise with kids. Sometimes you just feel uncomfortable around a person or you may be in a situation that doesn't feel right. You don't need to have a reason for this. You should trust what your instincts are telling you and you should immediately seek out a trusted adult.

I've told dd that it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is or where she is, we would always come to get her. She should never stay in a situation out of politeness. We won't expect her to explain why she feels uncomfortable and we would never be cross with her.

Sometimes we enforce this rule of politeness onto children and we can be too rigid about getting them to explain themselves and their actions. Feelings simply aren't spoken about and it's important that children learn to listen to those feelings.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 11:01:07

olgaga it's the bitter voice of experience - I have read ever single piece of advice out there - I followed it all to the letter and there has been nothing suggested I didn't do - but my children were still not safe.

My personal opinion these days is it is all couched in too woolly language and not specific enough.

I won't make that mistake again.

olgaga Wed 21-Nov-12 10:53:35

Oh I get you izzy. I think that's a very good point. So good that in fact I just emailed them to point it out!

THERhubarb Wed 21-Nov-12 10:49:19

MovingForward - well done. I'm sure that conversation with your mum was not an easy one to have. Much like when I had the convo with my mum about my stepdad. She made out that I was making a big deal out of nothing because I've never liked him, but the things I witnessed were wrong and my niece and her friend did say they felt uncomfortable about the way he touched them, the way he looked at them and the things he said to them.

I still think that my stepfather is a pervert. But I have no concrete evidence for this.

I was disowned by my mother that day and she told members of the family that I had called him a pervert, that I had broken the trust of my niece and that I was spreading vicious gossip about him. In truth I had told no-one but it caused a lot of trouble within the family and hardly anyone took my side. Plus when they saw how my mother was treating me, they took that as a warning to keep quiet themselves.

So I applaud you for sticking up for your dd and keeping her safe. It is very very difficult when you have no evidence, when all you have to go on is a feeling and some behaviour that is inappropriate but could be explained away by him being unfamiliar with the culture.

Don't accept excuses though. You have clearly defined boundaries with your daughter and he has overstepped those boundaries on more than one occasion.

Do try to get that Sydney the Snail Plays Safe book. It's great for reading with kids. In fact, as it seems to be unavailable, I'll PM you and if you send me your address I'll post you my copy as my kids are older now.

Oh and I'm from the North West, have lived in Scotland, Cumbria and now in the south and have never heard of "wet willy" either. Sounds like the kind of game that kids do to each other, not with grown-ups though. When an adult does that, it does seem creepy.

Don't let anyone make you feel that you are hysterical or taking things out of context or over-reacting. You are not. Your daughter is your priority and I'm sure if other people felt uncomfortable they would take the same course of action. Most people have had this feeling and know exactly what you mean, so you don't need to explain further.

I hope this doesn't lead to tensions with your mum but if it does, remember that your dd overrules your mother everytimes. I don't have any contact with mine anymore. She demonstrated on a number of occasions that we meant nothing to her. She doesn't love me or my kids and merely used me as a tool to create tension and ill-feeling in the family which she then thrived on. I hope that your relationship works out a little better x

Fancydrawers Wed 21-Nov-12 10:41:34

I apologise for saying I think you're being a bit hysterical. I work in a field where I am well aware of child abusers unfortunately mainly being family members. I just hate the automatic assumption that a man who is perhaps a bit overfriendly (and perhaps completely innocent) is a paedophile and going to abuse your child. It makes me really angry and I do feel for men sometimes who may be just a tad socially inept.

The girlfriend/wet willy thing is odd though yes. But with regards to the sleeping in bed, that's your mum facilitating that - not him, yes? If you are feeling very uncomfortable and your instincts are telling you that something is amiss then of course keep her away from him. But it sounds like your mum is not someone to be placing your trust in either, if she will not respect your wishes.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 10:34:56

*DCs must not touch

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Wed 21-Nov-12 10:34:35

olgaga yes what it doesn't say is DCs must touch someone else in their private areas - it deals with someone touching DCs - not getting DCs to touch them iyswim.

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