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Does this adult/dc relationship seem odd???

(134 Posts)
Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:15:04

I am a single parent and have at times lived at my mums with my dd and my mums partner! My mum is 55 partner is 32!

My dd is 5 and I am uncomfortable with the relationship between her and my mums partner! He is generally very quiet but has always seemed close to dd, which I was fine with because she practically grew up in my mums house and still spends a lot of time there!

In the summer I became uncomfortable when dd went away with my mum and her partner! When they came back he seemed very close to dd and I just didn't like how they played together and it all seemed to close for comfort.

I had spoke to my mum about this and told her I don't want dd sleeping in my mums bed with my mum and partner as its not right for a grown man to sleep with a 5year old that he is not related to.

A couple of weeks ago dd told me that they had all slept in the same bed again! So I feel like my mum is not respecting my wishes!

Also in the summer after the holiday I noticed the partner was asking my dd for kisses and when she kissed him they kissed on the lips. I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!

I just feel a grown man should be making the boundeaies with a child but instead find myself telling dd, don't kiss him etc!

I think I will have another chat with my mum about it and possibly the partner too.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:46:56

i think the thing is, most men i know make boundaries with children, espically girls. when I was younger and in relationship with dd's dad, he was around 20 and i had young neices, one was about 4 and very friendly jumping all over men and women and affecionate and liked kissing anyone basically.

she used to jump on my exp and try to kiss him etc, he was friendly and playful towards her BUT he would feel uncomfortable with her getting too close and if she was for example jumping all over his privates he would put her down kindly and keep a distance.

and i know for sure my sisters husband would do the same type of thing.

MrsMelons Tue 20-Nov-12 20:50:39

Movingforward Sorry that is not what I meant - what I was saying is you don't know if his intentions are worse than what you see or what is happening now unless your DD said something was wrong and at 5 you are right she doesn't necessarily know. I absolutely understand it is inappropriate and not her decision to make.

Sorry if it sounded blase - I absolutely did not mean it too which you will know if you read the other part of my post regarding the person close to me.

Houseworkprocrastinator Tue 20-Nov-12 20:53:47

Playing devils advocate her but even though you don't think of him as a step grandparent do you think that because he has been there since she was born and seen her grow up that he maybe thinks of himself that way? not saying it is right or wrong but he might think of her as his family even if you don't?

not saying you should let her stay or be in situations you don't feel comfortable with but it might explain some of the more intimate/family like ways he acts towards her.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:58:12

mrs melons I think I just took that bit wrong as I had a lot to read. smile

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:01:33

housework I do think he feels close to dd and maybe sees her as family. BUT when they returned from there trip as well as doing the wet willy thing, he also said your my girlfriend. And I sai I frount of dd no she is not your girlfriend, she is too young to be anyone's girlfriend and nan is your girlfriend! And dd then told him no I'm not your girlfriend! When I ask dd questions like why do you kiss him, she says he is my friend! So I don't feel like anyone feels he is her grandparent. But yes he possibly could feel like an uncle or something confused

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 21:05:33

I think you're doing the best you can, Movingforward. It doesn't sound like he respects your wishes - dating your mum doesn't give him the right to overrule your parenting. It doesn't matter whether he loves DD like his own, she isn't his own, she's yours. And the ear thing is just gross. So even if the whole thing is innocent, I still think you've done right to distance yourself and DD.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:28

Well I am going to bow out. I am shocked at the blase attitude of posters here. Really.
You say yourself that your mum "actually my mum has put men before her children in a lot of cases" and when you have talked to her about what you want - the wet willy, you're my girlfriend etc what does she do - attack you nd accuse you? So you KNOW she is not capable of putting you daughter's safety, modesty, privacy, before her partner.
I would never let my dd be in the same room as him again. honestly and seriously.

Houseworkprocrastinator Tue 20-Nov-12 21:59:21

i agree that he shouldn't do the ear thing or say she is his girlfriend. I think from this thread alone the kissing issue and bed sharing is different for different families so that is up to you to decide (not your mum) he sounds like he does have a few different ideas to you with regards to boundaries and because it is your child you are the one who makes the rules. but none of us have ever met this man and can not make any judgement as to what his intentions or feelings are. i would not feel comfortable saying his actions are "alarm bells" because that would be jumping to conclusions but on the same hand i would not say "your over reacting he is doing nothing wrong"

You need to do what you think is right for your daughter and for yourself even if this offends your mum or him because you are her parent.

2rebecca Tue 20-Nov-12 22:06:30

I still think it's time to start seeing alot less of your mum and partner and find other childminders and stick close to your daughter when visiting your mum.
I've never heard of the wet willy thing but if any adult man had done that to my daughter when young he would have been told that talking about putting wet willies in a childs ear was sick. Now my daughter is old enough to run a mile from any older man doing such a pervy thing after having given him an earful of abuse.
"wet willy!" Seriously??
Get a busy social life which means you are too busy to see your mum much.

Damash12 Tue 20-Nov-12 22:13:57

If you feel uncomfortable then that us for a reason, your gut instinct is telling you something. Stop any contact unless you are around. If anything untoward ever happened you'd never get over it. Also have some stranger/danger chats with your daughter so she knows it's safe to tell you anything and everything. Good luck x

Proudnscary Tue 20-Nov-12 22:16:07

Jesus, posters who accuse others of being hysterical stagger me in these situations. Do these posters actually realise that children do get abused by people they know? It happens. It has happened to many, many Mumsnetters.

And as for kissing on lips or not kissing on lips...irrelevant!

OP your instinct is telling you something loud and clear. And on top of that this guy is doing and saying things that is crossing boundaries - your boundaries, your boundaries on your daughter's behalf.

Listen to that instinct and don't leave her alone with him.

She is your child, your precious child. Your mother does not listen to you or respect your wishes so be brave and stick to your guns.

Houseworkprocrastinator Tue 20-Nov-12 22:21:25

"Jesus, posters who accuse others of being hysterical stagger me in these situations"

i don't think anybody has said that at all. near enough every post has said that she should do what she is comfortable with.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 22:23:48

I know 'wet willy' very well, it's something you do to kids or friends for a bit of a laugh, I thought it was well known. Doing it repeatedly despite you asking him not to is a bit strange though.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 22:26:07

I had a quick scroll through but couldn't see any posts accusing others of being hysterical?

mcmooncup Tue 20-Nov-12 22:32:06

Wet willy?

WTAF?

Seriously, that is fucked up.

I feel a bit hysterical in fact wink

2rebecca Tue 20-Nov-12 22:34:40

Husband just got home and has never heard of "wet willy" either. He's Scottish, presume it's a regional thing although I've lived in several areas in England as well as Scotland. Googling it it sounds like an unpleasant prank primary school age boys do to each other, not something a grandparent type figure would repeatedly do to a 5 year old girl.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 22:36:02

I'm in Glasgow and it's really common and well known here.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Tue 20-Nov-12 22:39:06

kids do it on American films, i never really got the impression it had much to do with actual willies iykwim? but this guy nevertheless sounds inappropriate.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 22:40:47

Wet Willy? Bleeurgh. I've never heard of it. How repulsive! An adult doing that to an adult and thinking it was funny would be bad enough, but to a 5 year old child? Despicable, and really just not funny in any way shape or form.

Please keep your child away from him. And if your mum insists on making excuses for him, keep your child away from her too.

Sorry if this offends, but they both sound absolutely disgusting.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 22:42:01

Me neither, I never actually put 2 and 2 together until I was older, there are a few things with 'willy' in it I'd play when I was young like sticky willies that are plants that stick to everything and have nothing to do with actual willies.

CindySherman Tue 20-Nov-12 22:43:47

OP trust your instincts!

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 22:47:45

well i have heard of the wet willy thing, and actually my brither also did it to dd after about a month after my mums partner did it, after me making a big deal about it. I still felt it was disgusting that my brother did it and told him not to. BUT it didnt make me feel bad like it did when my mums partner did it.

I am not comfortable with it, have decided not to let dd stay there. also my mum collects dd once a week from school when i work as I have been unable to get childcare for that day, but i am going to really try to change that day of work so that my mums doesnt have to collect her.

and even if my mum is upset with me i dont care, because this has been building up for me for a while and i've now decided.

now i could really do with some advice on speaking to my dd about it. she is quite bright and grown up for a 5year old. I am going to look at the books recommended so thanks for those.

but any tips about what to say?

also my dd feels very close to my mums partner, so I know it will be difficult to explain that her behaviour needs to be differnt if around him.

because although I am going to stop sleepovers and try to arrange differnt childcare, we will still be visiting my mum and he may be there.

CindySherman Tue 20-Nov-12 22:50:38

Just read the "wet willy" post.

Don't ever, ever let her near him again. shock

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Nov-12 22:51:10

I wouldn't let my daughter near this man and to be honest I don't like the sound of your mum, either.

Is she so flattered by the attentions of this much younger man that she feels she has to avoid confrontation even when it's to do with completely inappropriate behaviour with a five year old?

I would stick to hour long visits with no babysitting, no taking on holiday and if he kissed or touched her once more in that kind of way I'd be calling the police.

imogengladhart Tue 20-Nov-12 23:22:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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