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Does this adult/dc relationship seem odd???

(134 Posts)
Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:15:04

I am a single parent and have at times lived at my mums with my dd and my mums partner! My mum is 55 partner is 32!

My dd is 5 and I am uncomfortable with the relationship between her and my mums partner! He is generally very quiet but has always seemed close to dd, which I was fine with because she practically grew up in my mums house and still spends a lot of time there!

In the summer I became uncomfortable when dd went away with my mum and her partner! When they came back he seemed very close to dd and I just didn't like how they played together and it all seemed to close for comfort.

I had spoke to my mum about this and told her I don't want dd sleeping in my mums bed with my mum and partner as its not right for a grown man to sleep with a 5year old that he is not related to.

A couple of weeks ago dd told me that they had all slept in the same bed again! So I feel like my mum is not respecting my wishes!

Also in the summer after the holiday I noticed the partner was asking my dd for kisses and when she kissed him they kissed on the lips. I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!

I just feel a grown man should be making the boundeaies with a child but instead find myself telling dd, don't kiss him etc!

I think I will have another chat with my mum about it and possibly the partner too.

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 13:18:10

Information about Sarah's Law here which allows you to check the details of anyone who has access to your child, with the police in most UK counties.

It will only reveal if he has had previous convictions however.

For now, I would trust your instinct and have that talk. Most sensible people would fully understand. If they over-react then I would simply state that it's either your way or not at all. My stepdad over-reacted and that for me, was a sign of guilt because despite his and my mother's protestations, not everyone touched their step grandchildren in that way, it was not normal and it is not "just the way he is". In his case, it was positively creepy and made her and her friend feel very very uncomfortable.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 13:21:56

I wonder if the child lived with gran before she started the relationship with "DP"
Was the child the sweetner in the deal???

SamSmalaidh Tue 20-Nov-12 13:28:21

I think you do have to trust your instincts over this, and maybe not leave your DD there unsupervised if you feel uncomfortable.

However, I kiss my DS on the lips - he kisses his grandparents and aunt on the lips too. He's slept in his grandparents' bed. If your DD has lived with the grandmother and boyfriend, he's known her since she was a baby, that is quite a close relationship - maybe the boyfriend does feel they are related, even if not by blood?

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 13:28:30

We don't know how long they have been together though quietly (or if the OP mentioned it I can't find it blush), they could have been together 1 year or 10 years iyswim, long before the GD came along.

quietlysuggests Tue 20-Nov-12 13:32:23

no, we dont know. But a 32 year old going for a 55 year old? Well I am asking if the 5 year old did not entice him. As he may have been able to tell that the child's mother and grandmother both have fucked up boundaries - which they have!!

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 13:38:06

It doesn't really matter if he is related to the child or not. If the OP feels uncomfortable about their relationship then she needs to say so. Yes she might well be wrong and may be allowing her own predjudices about his age get in the way, but then again she might not be. She could feel really uncomfortable about him generally and just not be able to put her finger on why.

All we can do is to advise that she goes with her instinct and takes the necessary steps to ensure that her child is safe.

And fwiw, those people who insisted on kissing me on the lips when I was a young girl were the people who I felt the least comfortable with. The older you get the creeper it becomes. In my case they were usually middle aged male relatives and I was a young adolescent girl.

Now I would say, if in doubt speak out.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 13:45:03

But the age gap doesn't automatically mean he is a paedophile confused, we need to be careful not to jump to assumptions here, we don't know if the granddaughter was already living there or if that's the only reason the partner was interested in the grandmother. What we do know is the OP feels uncomfortable with he closeness of their ralationship which is the most important thing.

2rebecca Tue 20-Nov-12 13:58:20

If you don't like the situation then don't let your child stay with your mum without you and don't let him go away with her.
You are the parent here, take responsibility and sort out your own accomodation for you and your daughter and go on holiday with your own daughter and reclaim the mothering role from your mother.
I don't like the 3 in a bed scenario so wouldn't have my daughter staying overnight unless she had her own bed.
Maybe time to put a bit of distance between you and your mum and be more independant.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 16:52:19

Agree with 2rebecca.

Pagwatch Tue 20-Nov-12 17:05:01

Of course the age gap does not mean he is a paedophile.

But the op has raised several reasons why she has concerns. She is measured and sensible.she isn't shrieking about some odd bloke at a park - this is a man who has a developing level of intimacy with her DD and has unrestricted access to her. Her attempts to moderate this a little, by asking her mother to stop letting them all sleep in the same bed, was ignored.

I agree with pretty much everything rhubarb has posted.

And can I add that the comment about it being 'safer' for the child to be in with the gran and her boyfriend rather than in her own bed was wrong. It isn't.

And can I add that the comment about it being 'safer' for the child to be in with the gran and her boyfriend rather than in her own bed was wrong. It isn't.
I stand corrected - I was just thinking along the lines of her being more vulnerable in another room on her own & subject to the possibility of an unwanted night time visitor without the GM in the room. Obviously that assumes that having the GM in the bed would offer some protection.

Gosh I really don't know. Clearly the best option is for her not to be there at all.

ProcrastinatingPanda Tue 20-Nov-12 17:22:05

I agree with you pagwatch that she is being measured and sensible, but as i said in my post, the focus shouldn't be on the age gap, or people jumping to assumptions (like why he is with the grandmother), but should stick to the important facts like how the OP is very uncomfortable with this situation.

I think it's very important that she feels this is inappropriate and she should act on it to protect her daughter, but surely you agree that jumping to conclusions and making things up that we have no idea about won't help?

Saying to her mother "I feel uncomfortable with the level of intimacy your DP shows my daughter." Will be much more effective than "I think your DP is only with you because he wants to abuse my dd, why else would he be with an older woman?"

Pagwatch Tue 20-Nov-12 18:10:09

Hiphop
Sorry, I know why you said it. I think a lot of people would probably say similar.

It would seem logical but to be honest (assuming there is a safety issue which of course there may not be in this case) I think a child in their own bed is in their own space and any attempts to be in that room for a period of time is suspicious/problematic for anyone with ill intent.
Being in the same bed allows incredible intimacy. It is potentially a terrible normalising of inappropriate boundaries with the other adult confirming that this is acceptable iyswim.

Pagwatch Tue 20-Nov-12 18:12:23

I didn't notice a huge focus on his age tbh. I would have to re-read it but I accept i was probably responding to your response to others comments.

Xales Tue 20-Nov-12 18:42:01

I am going to come from a slightly different angle here.

He is a lot younger than your mum and probably not a grand parent in his own right yet. Therefore what he is learning about how to interact with your DD is coming from her interactions with her grandmother.

So he sees grandmother kissing DD on lips, that is where DD goes to kiss him, he accepts it thinking it is normal. To be honest lip kisses from kids are generally, slobbery, snotty disgusting things.

You said you were unhappy about this so he has stopped doing it and now kisses her cheek. Full marks to him for backing off and accepting what you say without getting offended.

As for the sharing a bed. OK you think it is wrong. You have told your mother. She is the one who has not respected your boundary and enforced this. Not him.

I think you need to speak to him not your mother and politely explain that you are teaching her the bad touching/unacceptable things to do and that you feel them sharing a bed borders on this as he is not a blood relative and would he please respect you, work with you on this and not share a bed with her.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:18:07

Thank you to everyone for the replies/opinions, i will read through and reply to questions etc.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:25:41

fancydrawers I felt very uncomfortable once they came back from the weekend away as I noticed a few things that made me uncomfortable.

anniegetyougun no she doesnt have to go away with them or sleepover, so I have decided to stop sleepovers.

actually I spoke with my mum about it today, she was not happy about what I was saying and I said that as she previously told me they would not be sleeping in the same bed, I let her stay over and they did sleep in the same bed. She said I am being way over the top and it will make her partner uncomfortable to tell him not to play with her how he currently does. (which last weekend included him picking her up, upside down and pretending to bite her on the bum). I said I dont care if he feels uncomfortable as it is not apprioate for him to bite/smack her on the bum when playing.

my mum said dd is the one that keeps wanting to play with him etc. I explained that she is only 5.

mhmummy Tue 20-Nov-12 19:28:44

Having worked for a number of years in child protection, this situation sets off alarm bells with me. Ignore those people who are calling you paranoid and don't take any chances. From now on, I wouldn't allow your DD to spend any time at your mother's house without you. That may seem like an over-reaction I think you have just cause to be concerned. Agree with those who have recommended resources which teach children about safe behaviour and boundaries.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:46:43

cogito the reason I said possibly the partner is because his first language is not english, and I know if i speak to him my mum will be annoyed with me, as she feels like i'm saying he is a pedo.

izzy my mums partner now only kisses dd on the cheek not my mum. also my dd does not act that way with other family members the way she does with him.Thats why I dont feel like it is a grandparent relationship. she makes my dad kiss her on her head. so not the lips or even the cheek. my brother kisses dd on the cheek, never the lips. and dd wont even kiss my brother inlaw atall.

olgaga thank you for the link. i will have a look. dd and I kiss on the lips and I'm fine with that. also I'm happy for her to kiss my mum and sister on the lips. but I would never kiss anyones children on the lips apart from my own or my sisters children.

duletty my dd also gets into my bed, and sleeps in her dads bed when at his house. I would even feel fine with her sleeping in bed with my brother. but not my mums partner.

attilia exactly what you said is what I am thinking.

imogen dd will not go to sleep alone if she is not at home, so she wont sleep in another bed. but as my mum said he would sleep on the sofa before when i raised the subject, I thought that is what would happen.

aitch I would not have a problem with a parent kissing their own child on the lips. as i said its also fine for my sister or mum to kiss dd.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Tue 20-Nov-12 19:54:06

don't worry, movingforward, i know you didn't say that. you're not responsible for everything that turned up on the thread. main thing is wrt this guy and your mum that your spider senses are tingling and you're not ignoring it. good luck.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Tue 20-Nov-12 20:01:00

How long have they been together?

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:23:25

strumpet they have been together for about 7/8years. and dd is 5. well i dont think he thinks as himself as her grandparent as he says things like "we are friends" so no i dont think he does.

he always buys her presents, like last xmas bought her a bike. and always brings her sweets if she is at my mums.

imnotmymum I thought that maybe because he is not british, maybe he is different with children, BUT he has had his neice and nephew over here and he was looking after them and wasn't affecionate towards them and hardy spoke to them. I said this to my mum and she said "well dd has basically grown up in this house and he loves her like his own" hmm

mrsmelons

I understand that this does sound a bit uncomfortable but unfortunately you won't really know if it is something inappropriate or not unless your DD said.

its not upto my dd if she kisses grown men or not. I feel it is inappropriate, she doesnt know whats best for her...

quietlysuggests this is not a wind up. and I do not hand my dd over to him for weekends away. My mum who is dd's grandmother, who helps out alot with childcare because I am a single mum takes her away sometimes. the trip I am talking about, my mum, dd and partner all went to stay at my aunts house for the weekend who has a dd aged 10.

aitch I actually feel that this is very valid:

perhaps the really tough question it, if you weren't a single parent would you be letting him have this level of access to your child?

and I think the answer to this is no. as my mum wouldnt be helping out as much with childcare. and I wouldnt have had to live with them and dd.

hiphop actually my mum has put men before her children in a lot of cases. so I dont feel she is being manipulated, but yes her judgement may be warped.

therhubarb thank you for the reply. and yes i think it is mostly a feeling, as some of the things i have a problem with, wouldnt be a problem if it was say my dad, brother or my brother inlaw (my sisters husband) as I grew up with all three of them and trust them. but also all three of them have boundaries with my dd which I can clearly see. that they inforce and I feel comfortable with.

hiphop I agree, he is not her step gp, as he is not my step father, he is only 5 years older then me. and a year younger then my sister.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:29:51

therhubarb this is an example of something that I didnt like. they came back from their break away in the summer. he was drinking and did this thing called wet willy to her. not sure if you all know what that is, lots of people do it, but i find it strange, he liked his finger and put it in her ear and said wet willy. I said to him donot do that. He carried on. I said very very firmly DONT DO THAT. he became abit confrountational about it.

at the time he was drinking, he is normally very quite and never confrountational, but can be more outspoken when drinking. like i said his first language is not english, i told my mum what happend, she spoke to him and said he didnt fully understand what willy meant. and didnt mean anything by that. I said even him licking his finger and putting salivia in my dd's ear is NOT APPRIOATE.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:39:40

quietlysuggests my mum was with her partner for about 2-3 years before dd was born so no, thats not the case. and I dont feel that I have fucked up boundaries, I let my mum and sister look after my dd and no one else. when i leave my dd with my mum, i expect her to take care of her. do you not leave your dc with their grandmother????

2rebecca dd and I live alone and have done for 2years. we lived at my mums when dd was a baby.

xales I would have a conversation with him like this but my mum obviously seems very bothered about me talking to him and upsetting him that she has said that maybe dd shouldnt stay if i feel like this. which i do, so I have now chosen not to let her stay when he is there.

Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:43:01

mhmummy thank you for the response, I will take your advice and wont let her stay over etc.

anairofhope they have been togther for about 7-8years

thank you to everyone for the advice and for not making me feel terrible. it is not a nice situation and I am grateful for so many responses.

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