Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does this adult/dc relationship seem odd???

(134 Posts)
Movingforward123 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:15:04

I am a single parent and have at times lived at my mums with my dd and my mums partner! My mum is 55 partner is 32!

My dd is 5 and I am uncomfortable with the relationship between her and my mums partner! He is generally very quiet but has always seemed close to dd, which I was fine with because she practically grew up in my mums house and still spends a lot of time there!

In the summer I became uncomfortable when dd went away with my mum and her partner! When they came back he seemed very close to dd and I just didn't like how they played together and it all seemed to close for comfort.

I had spoke to my mum about this and told her I don't want dd sleeping in my mums bed with my mum and partner as its not right for a grown man to sleep with a 5year old that he is not related to.

A couple of weeks ago dd told me that they had all slept in the same bed again! So I feel like my mum is not respecting my wishes!

Also in the summer after the holiday I noticed the partner was asking my dd for kisses and when she kissed him they kissed on the lips. I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!

I just feel a grown man should be making the boundeaies with a child but instead find myself telling dd, don't kiss him etc!

I think I will have another chat with my mum about it and possibly the partner too.

Fancydrawers Tue 20-Nov-12 09:25:26

You are right for not wanting them to sleep in the same bed - that's a big no...but as for the rest? I think you're being a bit hysterical. Their age gap is none of your business. And if you were so uncomfortable letting DD go away with them, why did you?

Fearisforsuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 09:29:36

Trust your instincts and set firmer boundaries, but tbh I would stop her from sleeping there or going on holidays all together unless you're there, just cut the visits down to daytimes and see how you feel then
Also have the conversation with dd about how her body belongs to her and nobody has the right to touch her (only you/your mum can bath her etc)

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:30:37

I think kissing children on the lips is a bit no-no too. Children you're not related to especially.

Does DD have to stay round at Grandma's, go on holidays without you etc? I'd be drawing back from that if you have any doubts at all. Maybe there's nothing funny going on, but wouldn't you feel too awful for words if there were, or if something happened later on? This is your child, and you have every right to say what goes with her upbringing and who is allowed to get close to her. (Agree the age gap is neither here nor there.)

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:03

Why only 'possibly' the partner? If you don't like the way he behaves with your DD then tell him straight to stop it. If it's not acceptable for your DD to be in their bed or for him to be kissing her on the lips (and I agree with you on both counts) then stand up for yourself, stand up for her and tell him/them as much. Don't let her go away with them if you have suspicions. You will kick yourself if she comes to any harm.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Tue 20-Nov-12 10:19:12

OK, I have more reason than most to be paranoid about this sort of thing but ..........

It sounds to me like he is behaving exactly as a grandparent would and you are letting your opinion of the age gap between them colour your judgement.

If you are unhappy I agree with the others though, stop contact between them. I can however see why your mother takes exception, Does he consider himself her grandfather rather than unrelated??

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 10:34:34

This behaviour is singularly inappropriate and I second what Cogito has said.

Please can you clarify this statement I spoke to my mum and told her this is not acceptable and have since noticed that he now kisses her on the cheek!? Are you saying that your mum's partner now kisses your dd on the cheek - or that he kisses your mum on the cheek?

Disclaimer: this izzy is NOT having a baby again.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 10:44:01

I'm afraid I would find this unacceptable and downright creepy. I don't think you're being paranoid at all, OP. Your instincts are right.

The kissing on the lips issue is one that divides opinion. If you search MN you'll see there have been threads on that very subject. Some people would never do it, others see nothing wrong in it. I don't like it - I think kissing on the lips is for lovers. DD, DH and I always kiss on the cheeks, head, forehead but never the lips. For us, it just wouldn't feel right.

The answer is not to allow any more unsupervised contact with him - or your mum, if you can't trust her supervision. No more overnight stays or holidays. This might be inconvenient for you, but I think you should go with your instincts on this.

Why not get a couple of these books to read with your daughter - you should be able to find them on Amazon, or even in your local library:
www.parentsprotect.co.uk/books_to_share_with_children.htm

Have a good look round the website while you're there.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 10:47:16

Here's one of the threads I remember:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1192059-To-kiss-my-children-on-the-lips/AllOnOnePage

Note that it was about kissing your own children on the lips. I think most people would think a grown adult kissing an unrelated child on the lips completely gross.

duletty Tue 20-Nov-12 10:57:22

Can I check about the kissing on the lips?

I kiss all my children on the lips, dd 3 particularly loves a pouty mwah type kiss...all gp kiss my children like this and have never raised an eyebrow

I wouldn't kiss my niece/nephews like this or any other relatives on the lips but have always done with my dc....

Would people raise an eyebrow at this....I'm genuinely asking...not mock horror...as it didnt occur to me

In respect to the ops question, I believe in following your vibes if you have an uncomfortable feeling

Although we regularly have the dc appearing at night ( 8,5,3) and don't have a second thought about them getting into bed with us

duletty Tue 20-Nov-12 10:58:59

Argh ment to post quicker...had to help with peeling some stickers

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 11:00:25

"Would people raise an eyebrow at this"

I think they might.

mcmooncup Tue 20-Nov-12 11:03:29

Yes, IMO, odd.
Stand up and be counted.
Spidey senses don't often go off for no reason.
I'm sorry but I think the age gap between your mum and her DP in itself offers some indication of his level of emotional stability.
I'll get shot down for that comment I know.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Tue 20-Nov-12 11:06:31

I kiss my children on the lips, I have friends who have stopped their DCs from doing it (kissing them) and I think it is very very sad that they see something wrong in the innocent behaviour of small DCs.

I believe my mum kisses them on the lips, as I rarely leave them with anyone except immediate close family and one other, I have never given it any thought.

They are sadly, at 2 and 4, only well aware of what to do if someone does something inappropriate though, I have been teaching them for over a year now about what and what isn't allowed, my poor neighbour, she is my example, you aren't even allowed to let X do it or go anywhere with X without mummy and daddy knowing.

Its all about teaching them their boundaries, we shouldn't have to teach children this age how to protect themselves, but bitter experience has taught me, it is no good teaching them about inappropriate touching in a woolly, if someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable way, relying on a child's judgement call. I am specific in what isnt allowed to happen and what they must do if someone tries to do something wrong.

duletty Tue 20-Nov-12 11:07:35

Aww

Started reading the other thread and I really didn't know there was a to kiss or not to kiss....I'm going to keep an eye out on others and see whats happening. My dd and I always have a big hug and multiple kisses when I drop her at preschool....I wonder if the teachers think this is inappropriate

Well I'm 36 and I never knew this!

There is a natural transition I suppose away from lips tp cheeks as the children get older...I don't kiss any other adult on the lips

Will ponder this today and also have a discreet look around the playground to see how other parents greet their dc

With regards to the original thread I would also be extremely uneasy at this whole relationship between her partner and your DD.

Your own boundaries with regards to both your mother and her man need to be raised a whole lot higher than they currently are.

I am also wondering on a much wider level what a 32 year old man is doing with a woman who is basically old enough to be his own mother.

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Nov-12 11:13:19

I agree with standing up for yourself and going with your instincts. Talk to him directly, tell him what your boundaries for your children are.

I kiss my dc on the lips ie a quick ott "mwah" or a quick peck, so does their daddy, but that's it!

And thank you izzyizin for the disclaimer. I had been meaning to bring that up with you wink

imogengladhart Tue 20-Nov-12 11:13:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 11:14:59

This isn't an issue about kissing your own children on the lips. It's not even an issue about whether the GM kissess the GC on the lips. I wouldn't have a problem with that. For some people it might seem perfectly natural.

Where I would have an issue is with GM's 32 year old boyfriend - or indeed any unrelated adult - kissing my child on the lips.

I would also have an issue with my child being in bed with any couple who aren't their mum and dad.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 20-Nov-12 11:18:07

If I were you OP I'd stop the over night thing straight away. As for sleeping with them, well! That's just totally inappropriate to say the least. So is the mouth kissing and the going away on breaks.

In fact, I'd do the you and DD visiting only from now on.

This is way too wrong for me.

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Nov-12 11:19:29

Yes exactly. If I wasn't clear I meant "that's it" ie my children don't kiss anyone else on the lips. Their gp seem to kiss to the side anyway, and that's fine by me. Strangers/ non relations, no thanks.

Houseworkprocrastinator Tue 20-Nov-12 11:23:19

i don't think the behavior as such is worrying, my children's uncle (my sisters partner, so not blood related) kisses my children on the lips, as he does with his own girls. he has bathed mine many times and i would also not bat an eyelid if one of mine stayed over and ended up sharing a bed with him and my sister.

but if you are not comfortable, or have a gut instinct then she is your child and you must do what you think is right.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 11:25:32

Hmm, I had an uncle who used to kiss his nieces on the lips too (he did it to me at my wedding so XH went completely ballistic at me - go figure!). But then he was a dirty old pervert.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Tue 20-Nov-12 11:29:23

it's probably not on to kiss other people's kids on the lips, however kissing your own? i'm totally creeped out by the fact that someone might look at me kissing my own child and infer something dark from that. creeped out and a bit pissed off, tbh. world's gone mad.

Fearisforsuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 11:42:47

Me and dh kiss my ds goodbye when he goes to school but he is of young school age...I suspect he wouldn't want to as he gets older anyway and he knows only to accept cheek kisses from aunties grandparents etc and hand shakes from uncles or family friends
I'm a bit shocked that some may think its unacceptable to kiss your own children mind and I would hope not to be judged that I do give my ds a kiss goodbye

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now