Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?

(112 Posts)
TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:32:44

i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.

i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.

last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.

so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).

so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.

i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.

please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 13:09:57

in layman's terms yes! or, a narcissistic personality disorder where he has no comprehension that other people are entitled to 'draw a line'. He is a taker and you are the giver and he will push that as far as he can. Not only will he never be grateful but the moment you stop giving he will think you are a cold hard bitch. He will not have the self awareness to analyse his own behaviour that he's been taking and you've been giving for however many years...

ClippedPhoenix Tue 20-Nov-12 13:10:58

Be glad he's your ex OP and don't get sucked in. My ex tried to do this, I started laughing and told him to mind his own bloody business.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:19:42

that sounds very much like him blueberry. AF's description also sounds accurate grin

i'm very glad he's my ex, i have never regretted ending the relationship. it's just that somehow he managed to get me to question my behaviour towards him since then and whether i was unjustified in being so closed towards him. talking through all this has reminded me of exactly why i have been so closed.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:26:45

I bet he told the fiancée you were lying to stir up trouble between them, he'd never done anything of the sort etc. More fool her if she believes it.

I have to be very, very firm with XH about boundaries (for which read: full-on shrieking harridan mode) otherwise he takes liberties. I don't think even he would break into my house and carry out criminal damage, though. (The only time he did let himself in without permission he left me a handful of envelopes. Milk Tray Man it wasn't.)

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:35:13

he couldn't do that because he agreed with me infront of her that it was out of order and that he shouldn't be doing it.

why did he leave you envelopes? confused

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:52:31

He said he thought I might find them useful. They were unused, but so old the glue had dried.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 13:56:20

Are we talking about condoms or envelopes now ? grin

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 14:02:21

Envelopes, of course grin but he did once bring home a used pregnancy testing kit when we still shared a house. He said I might find that useful too. Always helpful, XH.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 14:06:38

shock

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 14:19:25

One day he'll get a thread all to himself, I promise. I doubt many people would believe most of it, though.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 14:23:38

Bloody hell, Annie. Be sure to tip me the wink if you do it. I will join you with a few "you'll never believe what this twat did too" jolly anecdotes smile

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:07

Why do you a shit about your "relationship" with your ex? Bollocks to him.

As the song says

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:11

i'm noticing an envelope theme here. when EXP and i first split up years ago he was a postie and got placed on my route so he was delivering my mail. i didn't know this until my mail started arriving with his signature on it. but it was always accompanied by a post code or some other number codes i didn't understand so at first i just thought it was something they do in the sorting office and then i realised that i had never in my life received an envelope where someone other than the sender had written on it, neither had my parents. so i called the sorting office and asked them. they said it shouldn;t have happened. i explained that it was actually my ex and they came out and took a statement and photographed the envelopes. he was disciplined for it. the more i think about it the more convinced i am that he's just a fucking weirdo. what the hell i ever saw in him i'll never know.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 20:09:22

Why did he do that ? I don't understand what the purpose was.

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:24:11

AF, could it be territory marking? Come to think of it, I suspect he believes the OP is still part of his territory.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 20:27:15

By writing on a fucking envelope ? It doesn't make sense.

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 20:30:16

Actually AF it is pretty hilarious in a weird way. Bloke thinks "hmm, what can I do to really mess with the ex's head? I know - I'll go round there and leave some envelopes. She will fucking freak!!"

I mean FGS!! What is going on in this bloke's tiny mind!

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 20:32:02

confused grin

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:33:46

Not any old envelope, though. His signature, his name, his mark, on the OP's envelope, with the OP's name and address on it. Virtually writing "This is mine".

(I bet the postcodes and so on were just attempted camouflage in case someone called him on it - not that it worked.)

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 20:37:40

I still don't get it. Perhaps I never will smile

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 20:38:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:24

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "going postal".

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:41:19

Perhaps he thinks he's sophisticated. Still a loon, though.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 20-Nov-12 20:46:25

hilde, I would understand it better if he had pissed on them smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now