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please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?

(112 Posts)
TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:32:44

i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.

i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.

last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.

so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).

so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.

i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.

please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 20-Nov-12 06:48:26

Flipping 'eck. It's blindingly obvious to me that yes it IS none of his business!!!
How dare he ask you those questions?? Truly, stick with how you were originally dealing with him, you owe him absolutely nothing. He is your DC's father, nothing more. Surely? That's the way I'd view it.

NorthernNobody Tue 20-Nov-12 06:57:24

My ex would like to be friends. He was abusive. Tbh he seems fine now and I find myself doing same as you and thinking maybe ... But I don't trust him.

More importantly I don't trust myself.

I was the one to end our relationship but desperately wanted it to work. Hung in there for too long and even after we split needed a big distance in order to make myself fall out of love and not fall for his crap. I can't be friends because I'm frightened of getting back into his spell.

It's ok to be civil and distant. Ex will never know the workings of my mind again.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 07:00:38

Booy, if that is the sort of thing that he will say, he will say that sort of thing regardless of your actions.

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 07:09:07

Always trust your instincts. They are your soul, your place of truth telling you how it really is, and we must learn to really hear them.

So, for instance, the endless depression and low grade anxiety I had was not me being a nutter (which is what I thought and what he thought). It was a NATURAL situational reaction to being a de facto single mother living in an isolated country house, with 3 children under the age of 6. And being treated like an inanimate domestic appliance.
My soul was telling me it wasn't fair, that I deserved more, and I just kept believing I was ecstatically married, he worked hard for all of us (not emotionally unavailable, noooooo!), and blamed myself.

Your natural reaction MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was the truthful one. The 'that is rude' is what we do socialisation wise to shut ourselves up

My reaction to that call? He wants two families, his two possessions, and he is entitled to what he wants. Feel very sorry for the woman he is going to marry!

stuffitunderthebed Tue 20-Nov-12 07:09:22

Trust your instincts. Detatch again. You don't need an ex as a 'friend'

mummytime Tue 20-Nov-12 07:31:13

To be honest if you bring you DC to respect others and themselves in relationships, if he does come out with a "I tried to be friends " line. Then I would expect them to retort "We'll what did you expect, you split up."

The most they can hope for is that you can be civil to each other at weddings etc.

I agree with everyone else here. A friend is someone who treats you with affection and respect, who enjoys your company, makes you laugh and you can confide in. You feel better after contact with them. However 'genuine' your ex may be, if that doesn't describe him he's not your friend and it's unlikely he ever will be.

Lueji Tue 20-Nov-12 07:49:55

At best exs can be civil to eachother.

Only in rare cases can they be friends, at least in a healthy way.

In this case he's being smug or controlling.

I'd not tell him to fuck off, but I'd reply neutrally or that I'm not discussing those issues with him.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 08:49:18

thanks for all later responses. you are all right. i do know in my gut that i cant trust him. i dont know what my head was thinking by even doubting this. i know it and everyone that knows us both knows it. it is true that none of my interactions with him leave me feeling good. the less i have to talk with him the better i feel in general. that says it all.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 09:01:52

I think it sounds as though he feels rather superior to you - you don't need to hear his opinions as to what you're up to in your life. If you start to be more "open" with him you'll get more and more of that.

You are right to refuse to engage in these conversations. Just say "Sorry, I've got to go". He is still your children's dad but he's no longer part of your life.

You're both still parents but that is it. You are not his friend - and he is not yours.

hellsbells76 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:09:17

God, he sounds exactly like my ex. Yes it's all to do with trying to control you. I simply refuse to speak to mine about anything except arrangements for DD and the barest smalltalk on handover. Don't give him any power/info/anything that could be used against you. Follow your instincts, they're there to protect you.

bumhead Tue 20-Nov-12 09:16:57

Sounds to me that the proximity of his forthcoming wedding is making him all misty eyed over what he had with you.
He is fishing for info to see where you're at. He wants to feel he could still have you if he wants.
Weddings do funny stuff to people. My friend was like this when she was getting married and she was actually marrying the guy she was shagging behind her exes back! hmm
Maybe you 'can' be friends with your ex at some point in the future but not at the moment.

bumhead Tue 20-Nov-12 09:17:44

Actually strike that last sentence of mine. Why the fuck should you be friends with him?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:22:54

Love this from ChippingIn "He's not looking at building bridges, he's looking for bricks to throw!"

May I add the famous "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you".

Your first reaction was absolutely right, he has NO right to know what you're up to as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on the DCs (eg if you had met a fabulous Australian and were planning to emigrate, their father would have every right to know about that!). Who you see in your spare time is entirely your own business, as is who you talk to about it. I believe the mention of fuck buddies was deliberately provocative; he'd be hoping you'd snap back and try to justify yourself with details you weren't planning on telling him. (I hope you didn't.)

I have also observed, since becoming single myself, that quite a lot of people, mainly though not exclusively men, seem to feel rather threatened by a single woman not having a permanent man in her life. I think they're worried about it becoming popular. They need women to need men. Saying you're getting on fine makes them jittery. You should be desperately and pathetically looking. In the case of an ex, if you're failing that's even better. See, you're nothing without them <puffs out chest, struts>. Don't play the game!

As for why you find difficulty keeping a long-term relationship going at the moment, it will take longer than this to get over the mindfucking ex; he hasn't even stopped yet and he's marrying someone else shortly! Anyway, you probably haven't just met the right guy yet. Keeping a relationship going with the wrong one isn't a skill you should be cultivating.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 20-Nov-12 09:41:19

Don't worry about what he might say to your DCs. As they get older they will make their own mind up about him.

Moosylorris Tue 20-Nov-12 10:45:31

Carry on as you are, tell the fucker nothing!! Nothing at all!! Lol

dequoisagitil Tue 20-Nov-12 10:53:55

It is pretty normal not to be friends with your ex, I don't think your dc will think anything of it, as long as you're not at each other's throats. Civil but detached is the way to go. Friends? Nah.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 20-Nov-12 11:10:08

I agree with not sharing info.

He has shown you what he imagines your household life to be.

I find what he said worrying, but in a way it is good he said it. It is now in the open.

It almost sounds like he is making plans to portray himself in better light to care for the DCs (smug married couple in large house vs. mum of little virtue exposing DCs to latest fuck buddy). Not nice.

Well done on not giving him amunition.

Joanne1982uk Tue 20-Nov-12 11:47:04

is it just me who thinks he may be being genuine?

when my friend broke up with her DP she totally hated him but after a couple of years they tried to build bridges and ended up being good friends. Not all men are evil manipultive bastards. Maybe he really does want you to be happy and the offer to help out a genuine one if your LL isnt getting things done.

He shouldnt of said anything about fuck buddies though, i think that just might be a man thing to ask such an awful question.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 11:52:17

I don't care if my x thinks I have not slept with a single man in 6 years. Nothing I do is any of his business and IF he feels sorry for me then I'll let him get on with that. I agree with posters that he is fishing. Be careful. In court I was asked by x's solicitor if I was living with somebody else. Be careful with what you reveal just so as not to appear that you are behind in the 'meeting somebody else' race. It's not a race. My x has had about five foolish young women half his age and he's driven them around in his porsche for a few weeks. I've only had one relationship but it was with a very nice man. I have no inclination to share that with my x just to 'trump' him though. Ykwim.

You are not obliged to be his friend! You're not contractually obliged to be his friend. It's no failure on your part not to be his friend. Sorry if I sound like I'm standing up and shouting this at you here!!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:03:44

Sorry, Joanne, think it's just you! Of course it depends why someone became an ex, to what extent you can trust them afterwards. Some people do make better friends than partners. I don't think the OP's ex is in this category though, otherwise she'd be trusting rather than paranoid as a default position. Anyway, even if he were her best buddy that's no particular reason to tell him everything about her life. Real friends don't demand this.

Just because someone has built a bridge does not mean you are contractually obliged to walk across it.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:51

Joanne, it's just you.

have you been in an abusive relationship and had to dig very very deep to dig yourself out of it ? I suggest not, or you would not be seeing his side and saying it's "just a man thing"

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:14:53

Sorry B1ueberry, nicked your phrase there. It was such a good one!

Joanne1982uk Tue 20-Nov-12 12:16:21

I dont know the OP's history but does it say she was in an abusive relationship?

All i'm saying is sometimes people change for the better and grow up. Maybe he wants to build bridges as its best for the DC. She even says she would like a good relationship with him. I would just say dont instantly dismiss something like this as it could make all there lives better, especillay the DC's

ThreeTomatoes Tue 20-Nov-12 12:17:30

Joanne IMO a decent, genuine non-manipulative man wouldn't ask those sorts of questions.

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