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pregnant and alone

(62 Posts)
winkle1990 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:38:02

hi everyone i have literally just this morning found out im roughly 6 weeks pregnant, just over a week ago i broke up with the father because he was controlling, accusing and wouldn't give me any breathing space, after he left he was very abusive and threatening via txt message to me and my mum. Needless to say my mum detests him now and says if i get back with him she dont know if she can stick around. and that i am not allowed to tell him about the baby because it will be another way of him controlling me, so the one person who should be supporting me wont be ( he already has 4 other children and he is 23) Also I already have a daughter from a previous relationship who has just turned two. i feel like im at a loss, im lonely without him and was tempted to give him a second chance but after what my mum, iv also gone on his facebook and seen he has sent about 15 different girls messages with his number to txt, im absolutely devastated i dont know what to do at all, i dont see how i can go through the pregancy and have this baby without telling him but if i do i run the risk of losing my mum, so far i feel as if its going to do nothing but cause problems, whatever i choose im at a loss, as my mum says me and the babies deserve so much better than him which is true but im so overwhelmed by doing it all on my own (before i found out me and my mum were making plans about me and my daughter moving back in with mum and today finding out im pregnant she has decided she doesnt think she will be able to cope with it) i really dont know what to do i just feel so alone iv got no one who understands. i see what my mum is saying as it is quite true, she calls him a mother's worst nightmare, but i cant help that i love him and miss him and want him to be there for our baby, i just dont know what to do :'(

Alittlestranger Mon 19-Nov-12 19:43:06

Do you feel you have to continue with the pregnancy??

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 19-Nov-12 20:00:05

I'm sorry OP but I'm with your mum on this. He sounds like an idiot who can't keep it in his pants. He is already messaging other girls.

Maybe she seems harsh by saying she will cut ties with you if you go back with him, but that sounds like she has had enough of her daughter being treated like shit.

Does he see and financially support his other children?

23 with a 5th child on the way? I would be running like the wind.

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 20:15:58

Why have you allowed yourself to become pg by an abusive knob who clearly doesn't give a shit about you?

It's time for you to grow up and start being a responsible parent to your existing dd who certainly doesn't need this tosser as a role model.

Book a termination, sort out effective contraception, and continue your plans to move in with your dm.

Alittlestranger Mon 19-Nov-12 20:18:26

Izzy said it more effectively than me. Why would you have another child in this situation?

MarianForrester Mon 19-Nov-12 20:24:18

Sounds a horrible situation. But if you do want to continue with the pregnancy something will work out. Your mum may change her mind if there is an actual baby.

It is rubbish when you've just split up. Take some time to think through, but don't despair.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 19-Nov-12 20:27:46

Sorry honey, but you dont sound like you should go ahead with another pregnancy. Your mum is right.
Speak to your GP about booking a termination. You need to ensure you have no ties to an abusive partner, for the sake of not just your daughter but yourself. There is no reason to bring another child into such a messy life.

He is not going to be there for the baby.

FobblyWoof Mon 19-Nov-12 20:32:24

Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation.

If you agree with your mum that you won't get back together with him (which I think is sound advice from her, and the best course of action) then would it be reasonable to assume that you could tell the father about the pregnancy without your mum deciding to cut ties?

That way the father knows, so you're not having to keep it a secret but you're also not in a relationship with this man which will help you, your DD and your mum

You do NOT need to book a termination at all, that's your choice and your body has to go through it! I've lost two pregnancies one at 23 weeks with my beautiful baby boy and one at 8 weeks and trust me you are not aware of the changes your body can go through (this wasnt to put you off). not just physically, but could you cope emotionally, ask yourself that before making such a big decision!

You've got to weigh up the pro's and con's. Just because you dont have. a partner yhat doesnt mean you have to get rid of the baby... he does have the right to know and if he doesnt support you go through court!

Remember pros and cons. Whatever you decide will change your life drastically. X

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 20:47:27

You've got to stop this claptrap about i cant help that i love him and miss him and want him to be there for our baby because his track record shows that the only one he's capable of being there for is himself at the time of procreation.

This isn't a Hollywood film where it all comes good because 'true lurve' finds a way against the odds; this is your one and only life and you can't afford to keep getting pg by different men in the hope that one of them will be 'the one'.

Get this temporary galitch sorted and start getting your act together so that you won't fall victim to yet another useless male. You're worth a lot more than that - and so is your dd.

winkle1990 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:49:09

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 20:15:58

Why have you allowed yourself to become pg by an abusive knob who clearly doesn't give a shit about you?

It's time for you to grow up and start being a responsible parent to your existing dd who certainly doesn't need this tosser as a role model.

Book a termination, sort out effective contraception, and continue your plans to move in with your dm.

For one - i didnt see him for what he really is until we broke up

Second - i have grown up and i am a responsible parent to my daughter which is from a previous relationship, you are speaking like i am the first person to be fooled and taken in by someone who arent what they seem

Third - book a termination? i think your a bit up yourself really, because my baby's dad is a waster means i should terminate my pregnancy :s i joined this to see if i can find any type of advice in a time of need and instead i am attacked by you who obviously knows everything and all the ins and outs of life when really you know everything about F A!!!

5madthings Mon 19-Nov-12 20:50:24

sorry but its not anybodies place to be telling the op to book an abortion.

that is a choice she needs ti make for herself!! op do you have anyine in rl you can talk to? maybe see your gp and they can recomend someone? gingerbread are good for advice for single parents.

maybe family planning or marie stopes clinic? so you can have a chat with someone impartial.

get i touch with womens aid as well.

you need to stay away from your ex, whete are you living currently? do you have somewhere safe for you and your dd?

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 20:56:37

I'm not attacking you, winkle. I'm calling it as I see it and I see no need to allow sentiment to stand in the way of practicality.

Now that you've seen him for what he is, presumably you'll be able to determine a course of action which will be in the best interests of your dd as well as yourself without any assistance from others.

winkle1990 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:58:30

Thank you to everyone that has left empathetic comments, i think im going to have to go to the doctors and have a chat, i dont want to terminate my pregnancy just because of a man that i cant rely on, i have done perfectly fine with my daughter who is happy, healthy and a really bright and amazing little girl who i love more than life itself.

My main worry is i dont want to keep this secret from the dad or his family but i am feeling backed into a corner by my mum, he will eventually find out as we live in the same town full of gossips and i dread what i will get off him when he finds out off someone else

My mum does not want me to have an abortion, she just wants me to promise i wont tell the dad which is ridiculous i think, but i see she is worried!

I was not asking whether or not to continue with this pregnancy but about being torn with what to do,

Thanks All

You really are in a bad situation! I think you should tell him but that's your choice :-).

Mums are mums hehe, she's just worrying.. but what you need to remember is she will be there through thick and thin. Sit down and talk to her about it :-).

Izzy you was out if order. She's only had one baby and one on the way with two men. My mum is 40 has 10 children with 3 different men. She's single and is the happiest i have ever seen her. She always tells me she doesnt need a man she gas us kids:-)

I think its great news... CONGRATULATIONS!!

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 19-Nov-12 21:28:23

Straight from the horses mouth, Twinkle!

You see what you have to aim for in life, lots a different kids with lots a different men!

Just bear in mind, this government is making lots of changes to the benefits system, and while being a young mum with no qualifications was a viable life choice just a couple of years ago, it might not be so for much longer.

Just think long and hard how you are going to support your children. Where you are going to live, where to find a roof above your heads, find food and clothes.

Your mum has told you she wont cope with you, your dd and a baby on the way. Why do you think that is?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 19-Nov-12 21:29:06

It's up to you whether or not you continue the pregnancy: if you find the idea of a termination too upsetting then you don't have to have one, even if it would make everyone's lives easier. Your body; your choice and no one else's.

But this man is a raving arsehole who will not make a good father, he is clearly a shitty father to the DC he has already. So while you may have to inform him, if the pregnancy continues (I don't mean to be harsh but, at only 6 weeks, there are no guarantees a pregnancy will continue to term anyway), don't think about getting back together with him and don't put his name on the birth certificate. I don't think you would need to worry about him demanding contact as he clearly does fuck all for his other children.

Alittlestranger Mon 19-Nov-12 21:30:48

@RileyLee: That's just not true though is it, one option will not change her life dramatically and that's the point.

Having an abortion will change your life if not physically it will emotionally. Some eoman look back and regret their decision, which can impact their life.

having a baby changes your life because its such a big change especially if she'salone..

so they both do change your life

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 19-Nov-12 21:44:24

Which brings us back to Izzys point, why did she let herself become pregnant by such a man.

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 21:49:58

It seems your dm does have a certain need of the male of the species living the life of Riley.

At only 40yo she's got plenty of time to churn out some more with the assistance of nos.4, 5, or 6.

I'm guessing she couldn't see past him? My mum had 5 kids with my dad who abused her badly, why? She didnt know any better. Does she regret it "does she hells like" as she says.

Sometimes it takes you a while to see someones true colours

lalalonglegs Mon 19-Nov-12 21:50:17

Having an abortion does not change most women's lives emotionally. Some women may look back and regret their decision, the vast majority, imo, do not. It is sentimental claptrap to say that a woman is going to be forever scarred by a termination.

peacefuleasyfeeling Mon 19-Nov-12 21:50:34

I hear you, winkle. Ouch! Do the right thing for your DD, and promise yourself that this man is out of your lives for ever. Your mum is talking tough, but as your ex also targeted her with abusive messages, I wonder if she is perhaps feeling more rattled than she is letting on, and is trying to make sure she is not going to be put in that situation again? It must be awful seeing one's daughter being treated badly, so I am sure she is doing all she can to try, by hook or by crook to make sure you save yourself and your daughter from this guy. As for your pregnancy, I really don't know what to suggest. Would he really use your baby to control you? Or might he just add it to the list of babies he's made but has no interest in? I wish you all the best, and send you lots of strength and courage to keep out of the controlling clutches of this man. Somewhere along the way, if you really want one, there will be a great guy, with no 'stuff' or 'issues' who will love you just as you are and treat your mum (and DCs) with respect.

Izzy I don't understand what you mean? I don't know the mumsnet terms... dm?

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