Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In Court today - need hand holding!

(20 Posts)
alcibiades Mon 19-Nov-12 21:54:50

I hope you and your DC are now just enjoying a relaxing time now you've all got some respite from the stress. You probably won't want to come back to this thread, and that's very understandable.

I just want to echo the point that ProcrastinatingPanda made, that judges are very used to seeing through abusive twunts, as also are solicitors/barristers involved in these kinds of cases. You say that his side decided not to continue with the contested case, but most probably his side have been arguing that with him all the time, because they'll have seen it all before.

Given all the orders the court made, it seems pretty obvious that everyone has got the measure of the twunt, and that's not going to bode well for him in the future, is it?

But I think the most important thing you can take away from the court hearing is that there is also an implicit recognition that your DC are safest being with you. The judge would already have read all the papers involved in your case prior to the hearing, yet all that happened was that the twunt got slammed, but you and your DC got some court-mandated respite. I think that's a pretty clear message.

kinkyfuckery Mon 19-Nov-12 18:38:06

Fantastic news. Hopefully you can all relax for a while.

Fantastic smile

arthriticfingers Mon 19-Nov-12 17:44:04

Wonderful news! smile

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 19-Nov-12 17:28:34

That's great news, you must be so relieved.

MrsToddsShortcut Mon 19-Nov-12 17:16:14

Back from court now. Thankfully his side decided that they didn't want to take it to a contested hearing after all, so the court have ordered him to do an anger management course, a parenting course and have supervised contact only until May next year, starting in a Contact Centre. It's going to be reviewed in court next May.

Oh, and they also ordered the Non Molestation Order to stay in place as well, until next May smile

Am so so relieved it hasn't got to go to a huge hearing and that my lovely kids have got some protection for the time being.

Thank you all so so much for all your support and hand holding - I couldn't have done it without you. I've been a bag of nerves for the last week, but now feel a big weight off my shoulders.

thanks to you all!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 19-Nov-12 11:29:00

Another hand here lovely xxx

Lueji Mon 19-Nov-12 11:13:53

Holding your hand too. smile

No advice, as you probably won't read it anyway, but wishes that all goes well.

(going to the prosecution office today myself for a "medical exam" regarding the assaults from ex over a year ago(!) and wondering what the heck they want from me - just bruises at the time and I went to the hospital each time)

Lemonylemon Mon 19-Nov-12 11:09:42

Holding your hand.....

dequoisagitil Mon 19-Nov-12 11:09:00

If you've been stable for the last 9 years, his dragging up your MH history just makes him look vindictive. Good luck.

NicknameTaken Mon 19-Nov-12 11:07:52

I'm in court again next week too, so a squeeze of the hand from me. Hold on to this thought - the worst your ex behaves in court, the more he will show himself up in front of the judge. My ex is self-representing, and I'm secretly pleased when he can't stop himself trying to talk over the judge and when he lets his aggression seep out. The wilder your ex's lies, the better, frankly.

I would try to avoid crying if possible - the less drama the better in the view of judges. I find it helpful to keep my eyes fixed on the judge as much as possible rather than my ex. You're not on trial.

DoIgetastickerforthat Mon 19-Nov-12 09:51:08

PP is exactly right. The judge sees abusive twunts, day in and day out and they have seen all the 'tricks' and the games hundreds of times before so you dint need to go in all guns blazing at your ex. Be calm and collected, answer all questions openly and honestly including those about your mental health. Don't get overly defensive, the Judge is more than able to work out the truth, so have faith.

And have faith that your ex will expose himself as an abuser. He will be trying to get a rise out of you so If you are calm, articulate and reasonably unemotional you will force HIM to show his hand as he will not be able to stop himself from trying to control and manipulate you, it goes to the very core of his being.

You have the upper hand here, your in control. Deep breaths, tune him out and focus yourself on giving clear, factual evidence to the Judge. Good luck.

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 19-Nov-12 09:34:05

We're all here for you. I had to go to court for similar a few months ago and faced my very EA and verbally abusive ex. It's scary but your solicitor will be there and the judge will have delt with abusive ex's in the past so won't be fooled as easily by him.

Just take a big deep breath when you sit down and remember why you're there - to protect your DC.

<holds hand>

MrsToddsShortcut Mon 19-Nov-12 09:28:14

Thank you so much everyone, feels so good knowing I have moral support behind me - got no family here except my mum who has mental health problems so not able to help, bless her heart.

Some fab advice which I will take on board - I will report back later...

Another hand to hold here. Agree about the deep breaths.

Ask for a cup of water before you start, use it as a thinking tool, if you feel flustered pause & take a sip to gather your thoughts/calm yourself.

Similarly ask for a question to be repeated if you're not sure.

Think about your babies, you are doing this for their (& your) future safety away from this abusive man.

Shoulders back, walk in to court calmly & confidently even if you are jibbering inside.

Massive hugs & good luck ! smile

pylonic Mon 19-Nov-12 08:54:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seaofyou Mon 19-Nov-12 08:50:13

I can't even guess sorry what it is like for you as when I faced my ex in court the abuse started afterwards.

Go in their take deep breaths when feeling anxious counting 1 on in and 2 on out breath...to stop you feeling like running or fainting or head spinning...

Try and remove emotion and keep to facts when talking about ex (try not to get upset or angry at him in their) then when talking about your babies I don't need to say crysad because you will and that is good to cry.

I don't know if you will be allowed to speak though as never been to one?

MASSIVE cyber HUGS

we can see how strong you have been and fought till ends of the earth to keep this abusive man away from your children. Positively sending thoughts so they courts see this too!

Stopthepidgeon Mon 19-Nov-12 08:38:49

(holding your hand for you - be strong - you can get through this)

No advice but can offer a hand to hold. You poor thing it must be so hard. What is he aiming for other than upsetting you?

MrsToddsShortcut Mon 19-Nov-12 08:36:23

Hi,

Am in court today for the interim hearing of an ongoing contact/fact finding hearing. The contested fact finding hearing with my extremely abusive ex, will be in the next month or so, depending on today's outcome.

I've been in and out of court over the last couple of years with my ex to try and protect my children (he's been violent to me as well threatening to kill me, and lots of EA) and have been really strong so far, but am suddenly terrified!

He is planning on asking for my medical records (long history of mental health problems although I've been stable for 9 years) but he's written such horrible lies in his court statement that it feels like the abuse is carrying on.

I feel so naive (sp?) thinking that when I left him 3 years ago, that would be the end of it sad

Any words of wisdom/advice/general hand holding would be so very gratefully received right now!

Thank you, wonderful women of Mumsnet...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now