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I feel sick, im so worn down!

(60 Posts)
mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:06:04

Many of you will know ive had issues with dh.
I felt that all was good because he didnt beat me, fuck other women and worked hard.
Being on here lots of people felt i was selling myself short.
Im increasingly unhappy, cant talk to dh about anything, he either sulks in a mood, or shouts. He makes me think im being dramatic or too demanding.
Weve just got home from rugby and he upset ds1, nothing serious but just general winding up and ds1 ended up in tears, and i ave to say i know how he feels. Sometimes i just want to cry too.
So now dh has stormed out, making it all about him, as usual. He came back and said hes sick of walking on egg shells and i said maybe he could think about how his behaviour affects us all. Hes gone out again now sad

dont know how to feel or what to think, but im sure i cant go on living like this

AnyFucker Germany Mon 19-Nov-12 23:55:32

Push/pull

It's all a game, ain't it

mosschops30 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:13:50

It's been an odd day, normally I would send him a text or call after a row, but last night I had some wine, got dinner for me and the dcs, ignored him completely. Today he couldn't bloody wait to talk to me, all we need to work it out for the dcs.

I told him this is not over and I will not sweep issues under the carpet this time I want things dealt with or else x

AnyFucker Germany Mon 19-Nov-12 12:11:53

I am so sorry, twinkle x

TwinkleReturns Mon 19-Nov-12 12:08:35

When i was living with my ex and trying to decide if he was abusive or not I used to go on and on about context. Its all very black and white when you write posts out; my situation with my parents reads as very extreme compared to your situation but at the time it never feels that extreme.

With my mum and SDad, things shifted slowly over time so that I didnt really notice that he stopped paying me any attention as I was busy with after school clubs, homework, exams, being out with friends etc. It slowly dawned on me that he had started to be "off" but put it down to all sorts as did my mum. For years I accepted the argument that he found it difficult to relate to a teenage girl, felt awkward around me when I was hormonal and having teen strops, didnt like to see me and mum arguing and so "withdrew". As an adult I can see that he just didnt give a toss, resented my presence as soon as mum became pregnant, slowly phased me out of his new little family.

When I now post about the situation its with the hindsight of knowledge - knowing that I can condense it all into a few paragraphs and knowing that the problems I had were due to that situation.
I didnt wake up one morning and say to my mum "I am underweight, have stunted puberty, am being sick all the time, hate my SDad and want you to do something" because life doesnt happen like that. I had lots of little conversations just like your DS had with you where I said that I wasnt happy. I was 14, I didnt understand that being sick all the time and weird periods was related to the stress I was under so i wasnt able to connect them. My mother was and chose not to. She watched me progressively getting worse and becoming more and more unhappy and isolated over a period of years and refused to join up the dots. Even when it had got to a point where it was staring her in the face she still couldnt add it all up.

She should have listened before the damage was done. If a child is unhappy at school we listen and we consider going to talk to their teacher/ head of year etc. We work out how we can fix this. So why should home be any different? You dont need to wait until your child is damaged to the point that they are ill, you dont need to read extreme ppsts on MN and think "well its not that bad and I wont let it get that bad" before you act. Damage control is far worse than prevention. The effect of my childhood on me is long term. I have no boundaries or understanding of red flags (without reading up and reteaching myself). I sought male approval throughout my late teens. I was sexually assaulted, I was raped and I waltzed into a highly abusive relationship. One of the first things I said to my ex when he tested the waters with EA was "No matter what you throw at me or however much you lash out I will not walk away from you, I will not give up on you" Which translated to him as "hello I am a human punchbag, please abuse me".

The damage that is done to DC just by allowing them to witness dysfunctional and EA relationships shapes their own boundaries, what they will and will not accept/how they will treat others. Girls are more likely to be abused, boys are more likely to have abusive traits. I watched my ex go from a damaged teenage boy to a cold, manipulative, controlling man. He had been witness to abuse and had been beaten and sexually abused as a young adult.

The information is all out there for you to take in at whatever pace you want to. Its hard to accept, believe me I know. But its harder still for my mother to understand how Ive turned out the way I have because she cannot accept what she allowed to happen. She will lie to herself until she dies because she cannot cope with the fact that she failed me as a mother time and time again.

joblot Mon 19-Nov-12 08:07:56

He sounds horrible and as if he does not like or respect you. Unbearable. Good luck getting rid

JustFabulous Mon 19-Nov-12 07:39:23

mosscops30, how are you today?

Also, there is someone posting as mosschopz on another thread and I asked if they were mosschops.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:05:10

I know some of the stories the ladies have to tell on here are in the extreme, but I can vouch for the fact that stuff we as adults think is by the by actually has a massive effect on kids, I see this every week, and despair of the sort of stuff we as parents allow our kids to see and experience.

By the Sat afternoon I just want to scoop them up and take them home, but I cant all I can do is try to give them the skills to get through and deal with their issues and give them some hope for their future.

AnyFucker Germany Sun 18-Nov-12 20:44:32

It is under your control, moss. Laughs aside.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:43:01

Am I destined to a life of knitting a cardigan out of my own hair grin

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:25

Moss my SDad was a decent bloke some of the time. So was AFs Dad, so was my sexually and emotionally abusive ex. That doesnt mean that you blindly ignore everything else just because sometimes he is decent. Decent wont be what's standing out to your DS and it certainly isnt standing out to me.

AnyFucker Germany Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:24

You are having sex with this horrible man? Stop. It. Please.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:55

God this thread has unearthed so much, I'm not sure Dh is on a par with some of this. He's a decent bloke most of the time but I just think we are making each other unhappy now and it's no good

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:11

Moss my childhood was similar to AFs. I have no contact with my mother because I cannot forgive her for standing by and doing nothing when my Stepdad began excluding me from the family. He successfully isolated me and at the worst point hadnt spoken a single word to me for 7 years. He was all love and light with my young brother and mum but I was driven out through silence and neglect. My mother repeatedly told me she had "tried" to talk to him, that it hurt her that we couldnt get along. I was so full of hate by the time I hit my late teens that i couldnt be in the same room as her. I despised her for what she had put me through. It had huge effects on me. I was underweight, had stunted puberty and painful irregular periods that could last 2 weeks at a time. I was violently sick every morning, cried myself to sleep every night.

Please dont think that the good outweighs the bad. Please dont make that stupid STUPID mistake of thinking that a Dad is better than a LP family. If you fail to act now your DS will remember this. He will remember coming to you and telling you how unhappy he was and you doing nothing. Just like I remember begging my mother to do something, sobbing and sobbing that I hated my life, that I didnt understand what i had done wrong, why I was being punished. She muttered empty words and did nothing.

Ive gone so far now as to move very far away from her and prevent her having contact with my DC. That's how much Ive been burnt by her inaction.

I know its hard. Ive had to leave (in a scary grah a bag and run out the door way) an abusive relationship twice in the past year (because i went back). The turning point for me both times was seeing the threat to my DD and I didnt hesitate. There is no way in hell, knowing the effect it had on me, that I will ever allow anyone to upset, hurt or harm my children. Hell will freeze over first.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:14:39

Thank you for that great post.

I just want a peaceful life with the dcs, I have a new job which I love, and I would just love to come home have dinner, relax, watch what I want on tv, not be nagged into sex and drink the odd glass of wine

imtheonlyone Sun 18-Nov-12 20:07:49

You sound very unhappy OP - I was in a similar situation - H was a bully, had no time for family but wanted one to 'show off' when required, was controlling and abusive towards me (never physical abuse but he used to threaten it!) and generally an arse! This alone is wrong doing - there doesn't have to be lies or fucking of anyone else outside the marriage - but only you can make the decision. Although to me you are half way there as you have acknowledged that things can't continue the way they are. Well done on admitting this (its not easy) and trying to find a solution which is the right thing to do - for all of you. I had 18 months of relate counselling which got me through and have me the strength to do it. I felt like I was the one tearing the family apart ad she made me see that he had done that not me. But I had to be sure - I had I know that when I laid my head on my pillow at night I had done everything I could to make my marriage work. And I do feel like that now. I did, he just took no notice and thought he had such power over me that I would never have the strength to leave him. He was distraught - on the night I told him and after that he hated me again! It had gone so far and so badly wrong that there was no way to repair the damage. It does sound like your situation is similar.
But you both have to want to make it work and actively do things (counselling) to prove it. There is no shame in leaving a bully - I was gobsmacked at how many people told me how brave I was! I didn't feel at all brave. But I do know that I made the right decision. I'm happy now - I used to shout at my DCs - normally when XH was due home because I was so tense about his imminent arrival! I don't regret a thing. A soon as I moved out with my boys I felt free, I felt amazing. A weight had been lifted - I could be me again. A lot of your frustrations and lack of patience with DCs could well just be because you are so unhappy - I was just like that. The boys have never been happier - they get the best of both their parents now and they don't have to put up with our petty arguments anymore and the hostile environment that we had created in the family home.
I wish you loads of luck. Try to make lists of what you would like your life to be like and how you can achieve that. You deserve it - take care x

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:54

I agree. My mother chose numerous boyfriends over me. Never ever forgive her.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:01:51

Apparently if I don't 'take a firm hand' with ds1 he will 'walk all over me' in a few years!
I said no, if he learns from you he will walk over every woman he meets for the rest of his life'
'No he won't says Dh
Damn right he won't says mossy grin

AnyFucker Germany Sun 18-Nov-12 19:58:58

Attilla, that is precisely the relationship I have with my own mother now.

Can there be anything worse than losing the relationship you should have had with your adult children ?

Can he do worse than that to you, moss?

Imagine this. You and he together in your old age. You are still managin ghis moods and ducking out from under his bad moods and selfishness. Your children are out there somewhere, perhaps even living relatively close by. They pay you the odd duty visit and see you at Xmas, because they have to and they feel sorry for you still stuck with him.

And that's it.

Do not let this man damage your own relationship with your children. I write that because if you were to stay and put up with him, your children when adults could realise that you actually put him before them and despise you for doing so. They will see you as weak and will also despise you for not putting them first.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:54:33

Moss follow up his comment with, you know where the suit cases are and dont let the door hit your arse when you leave.

Talking with him anyway is a waste of time; he did not talk at Relate either. There's a surprise, not. Such men never ever admit wrongdoing nor accept any real responsibility for their actions.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:52:06

I'd be temped to say you weren't expecting him to be nice as he hasn't been for ages but then that would be as bad as him.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:51:14

Oh just tell him to go. He is being a total pig.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

I would be making a 30 minute appt with a Solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

You cannot go on like this and your children will certainly not thank you for remaining with such an individual if you were to choose to. You have a choice re your H Mosschops, your children do not. This is not the legacy of childhood you want to be leaving them.

Your H only loves his own self; everyone else is an inconvenience to him.

AnyFucker Germany Sun 18-Nov-12 19:48:01

angry sad

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