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I feel sick, im so worn down!

(60 Posts)
mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:06:04

Many of you will know ive had issues with dh.
I felt that all was good because he didnt beat me, fuck other women and worked hard.
Being on here lots of people felt i was selling myself short.
Im increasingly unhappy, cant talk to dh about anything, he either sulks in a mood, or shouts. He makes me think im being dramatic or too demanding.
Weve just got home from rugby and he upset ds1, nothing serious but just general winding up and ds1 ended up in tears, and i ave to say i know how he feels. Sometimes i just want to cry too.
So now dh has stormed out, making it all about him, as usual. He came back and said hes sick of walking on egg shells and i said maybe he could think about how his behaviour affects us all. Hes gone out again now sad

dont know how to feel or what to think, but im sure i cant go on living like this

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:15:55

Anyfucker please don't be mean, Dh could say the same about me I suppose sad

Numberlock Sun 18-Nov-12 19:19:03

... even more reason to separate then if you're both making your son suffer

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:19:27

I am not being mean, love, I promise

I was your little boy, growing up. I detest my father, but I reserve a special sort of contempt for my mother who knew how she, and her children, were being damaged by a selfish and inadequate man, but found reasons to stay with him anyway.

She is still with him. He still treats her like shit, except now there are very few people to witness it as they have all drifted away over the years (including her children...)

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:23:51

Thanks anyfucker smile that's a real eye opening post, I'm sorry you had to go through that

Chooster Sun 18-Nov-12 19:24:48

Yes please mosschops! how old is your DS1? Mine is 8 and I struggle so much with thinking what the hell is the best thing to do for them. Sometimes DH is great with them, playing lego etc, bit of rough and tumble play... other times he's just awful. Neither of my elder DS's wants to do anything with him. They always ask for me to do breaskfast / take them to school etc - they always want to sit with me in the car... I always get up with them every day now as I dont like the stress and shouting that goes with him being up. As an example, we've recently had a new kitchen put in and he tells them off if they open the cupboard doors too roughly! hmm

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:32:47

Dh is usually great with the dcs, it's just sometimes I don't agree with the way he is.

I just asked him something about the fridge, he said 'ur big enough to figure it out' and I said 'please don't talk to me like that', he replied 'well you shouldn't have opened ur big mouth this afternoon, you won't have to listen to it for much longer'

Think it's the final nail in the coffin for me sadangry

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:34:05

My father was sometimes "good" with me. When I was very young, I craved his attention and when he gave it I was so happy and grateful and silly and excited.

Then he would do or say something to my mum, or he would have a bad day and take it out on us, or he would embarass me in front of my friends/neighbours. That is a terrible thing for a small child.

As I grew up, I stopped "forgiving" him every time. I stopped playing along with the "nice/nasty" cycle. I wouldn't be "nice" when he wanted me to, because of course it was all on his terms, and he made me pay for that. He didn't like it one bit, and that was when slowly but surely I grew to know him properly. I matured, he never did.

My mother would say she "understood" how I felt, and agree how unfair he was being. I learned quite young that actions not words are what is important.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:39:29

He sounds vile.

Sorry for you all mosschops.

Mosschops,

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; think carefully about what both you and your DH are teaching your child. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to this young person.

You do not really know yourself what you get out of this relationship but something keeps you within it; what is it?.

I think it is only when you are free of your H will you exactly realise how cruel this man actually is and will perhaps also wonder to yourself why you put up with him for so long.

AF is bang on here. Actions indeed speak louder than words.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:46:32

God he is vile, vile, vile we have basically admitted we don't want this anymore and I said we'll we need to have a talk!
He said he's not going to talk and 'don't expect me to be nice' angry

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:48:01

angry sad

I would be making a 30 minute appt with a Solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

You cannot go on like this and your children will certainly not thank you for remaining with such an individual if you were to choose to. You have a choice re your H Mosschops, your children do not. This is not the legacy of childhood you want to be leaving them.

Your H only loves his own self; everyone else is an inconvenience to him.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:51:14

Oh just tell him to go. He is being a total pig.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:52:06

I'd be temped to say you weren't expecting him to be nice as he hasn't been for ages but then that would be as bad as him.

Talking with him anyway is a waste of time; he did not talk at Relate either. There's a surprise, not. Such men never ever admit wrongdoing nor accept any real responsibility for their actions.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:54:33

Moss follow up his comment with, you know where the suit cases are and dont let the door hit your arse when you leave.

Do not let this man damage your own relationship with your children. I write that because if you were to stay and put up with him, your children when adults could realise that you actually put him before them and despise you for doing so. They will see you as weak and will also despise you for not putting them first.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:58:58

Attilla, that is precisely the relationship I have with my own mother now.

Can there be anything worse than losing the relationship you should have had with your adult children ?

Can he do worse than that to you, moss?

Imagine this. You and he together in your old age. You are still managin ghis moods and ducking out from under his bad moods and selfishness. Your children are out there somewhere, perhaps even living relatively close by. They pay you the odd duty visit and see you at Xmas, because they have to and they feel sorry for you still stuck with him.

And that's it.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:01:51

Apparently if I don't 'take a firm hand' with ds1 he will 'walk all over me' in a few years!
I said no, if he learns from you he will walk over every woman he meets for the rest of his life'
'No he won't says Dh
Damn right he won't says mossy grin

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:54

I agree. My mother chose numerous boyfriends over me. Never ever forgive her.

imtheonlyone Sun 18-Nov-12 20:07:49

You sound very unhappy OP - I was in a similar situation - H was a bully, had no time for family but wanted one to 'show off' when required, was controlling and abusive towards me (never physical abuse but he used to threaten it!) and generally an arse! This alone is wrong doing - there doesn't have to be lies or fucking of anyone else outside the marriage - but only you can make the decision. Although to me you are half way there as you have acknowledged that things can't continue the way they are. Well done on admitting this (its not easy) and trying to find a solution which is the right thing to do - for all of you. I had 18 months of relate counselling which got me through and have me the strength to do it. I felt like I was the one tearing the family apart ad she made me see that he had done that not me. But I had to be sure - I had I know that when I laid my head on my pillow at night I had done everything I could to make my marriage work. And I do feel like that now. I did, he just took no notice and thought he had such power over me that I would never have the strength to leave him. He was distraught - on the night I told him and after that he hated me again! It had gone so far and so badly wrong that there was no way to repair the damage. It does sound like your situation is similar.
But you both have to want to make it work and actively do things (counselling) to prove it. There is no shame in leaving a bully - I was gobsmacked at how many people told me how brave I was! I didn't feel at all brave. But I do know that I made the right decision. I'm happy now - I used to shout at my DCs - normally when XH was due home because I was so tense about his imminent arrival! I don't regret a thing. A soon as I moved out with my boys I felt free, I felt amazing. A weight had been lifted - I could be me again. A lot of your frustrations and lack of patience with DCs could well just be because you are so unhappy - I was just like that. The boys have never been happier - they get the best of both their parents now and they don't have to put up with our petty arguments anymore and the hostile environment that we had created in the family home.
I wish you loads of luck. Try to make lists of what you would like your life to be like and how you can achieve that. You deserve it - take care x

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:14:39

Thank you for that great post.

I just want a peaceful life with the dcs, I have a new job which I love, and I would just love to come home have dinner, relax, watch what I want on tv, not be nagged into sex and drink the odd glass of wine

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:11

Moss my childhood was similar to AFs. I have no contact with my mother because I cannot forgive her for standing by and doing nothing when my Stepdad began excluding me from the family. He successfully isolated me and at the worst point hadnt spoken a single word to me for 7 years. He was all love and light with my young brother and mum but I was driven out through silence and neglect. My mother repeatedly told me she had "tried" to talk to him, that it hurt her that we couldnt get along. I was so full of hate by the time I hit my late teens that i couldnt be in the same room as her. I despised her for what she had put me through. It had huge effects on me. I was underweight, had stunted puberty and painful irregular periods that could last 2 weeks at a time. I was violently sick every morning, cried myself to sleep every night.

Please dont think that the good outweighs the bad. Please dont make that stupid STUPID mistake of thinking that a Dad is better than a LP family. If you fail to act now your DS will remember this. He will remember coming to you and telling you how unhappy he was and you doing nothing. Just like I remember begging my mother to do something, sobbing and sobbing that I hated my life, that I didnt understand what i had done wrong, why I was being punished. She muttered empty words and did nothing.

Ive gone so far now as to move very far away from her and prevent her having contact with my DC. That's how much Ive been burnt by her inaction.

I know its hard. Ive had to leave (in a scary grah a bag and run out the door way) an abusive relationship twice in the past year (because i went back). The turning point for me both times was seeing the threat to my DD and I didnt hesitate. There is no way in hell, knowing the effect it had on me, that I will ever allow anyone to upset, hurt or harm my children. Hell will freeze over first.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:55

God this thread has unearthed so much, I'm not sure Dh is on a par with some of this. He's a decent bloke most of the time but I just think we are making each other unhappy now and it's no good

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:24

You are having sex with this horrible man? Stop. It. Please.

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