Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do you think this "relationship expert" is right on why men lose interest when we show interest?(52 Posts)
You Tube vid explaining why men come on strong in the beginning and then lose interest once we show that we like them. I was a bit at first (thought it was all going to be about mind games etc) but its scarily accurate and I think he makes a lot of sense!!
What do you reckon?
You're 31??? You're behaving like you're 15.
He's 41??????? He's behaving like he's a toddler.
I agree with everyone who says the problem is that he's just not that into you. Good grief - just get your life back and get rid.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason my DH married me was that I was possibly the only girl he'd asked out who wasn't interested. He was one of those guys who always had a girlfriend, and they always pestered him for marriage, but he wouldn't be tied down. I was friends with him for years before we started dating, and even then it took him 2 years to persuade me to go out with him. The thing was I had him firmly in the 'friend's box', it just didn't occur to me to fancy him. I only relented when I did something a bit unkind to him, and he just forgave me. It was like the penny dropped and I saw who he really was - I decent bloke, not a player. Once we did start dating I kept my own flat, never answered my phone, and nearly broke up with him when he dared leave a toothbrush at mine. I wasn't game playing, that's just who I am - independent and wary about being becoming involved.
To cut a long story short we were engaged within 6 months, and married after a year. We are still together 13 years later.
Perhaps there is something in it. Perhaps men do like women who are their own person and don't latch on to them. I know I prefer independent men. Nothing worse than a cling-on.
Not watching the link because while there are arseholes out there, there are also lots of decent guys out there. To suggest that ALL men behave in the same way is ridiculous. Similarly, there are women who play games too.
Just because a "relationship expert" (what a stupid phrase) says X doesn't make it so because it can take no account into an individual's own personality traits. Surely there is only one rule - if you don't like the way you are being treated, you either tell them and see if they change or fuck off?
I think fuckitthatlldo is on the money.
Yep, not that into you and also not into being alone. Does enough to keep ypu interested when he's concerned you might have cooled...when he's got you where he wants to cools off just incase he's expected to commit. Won't bring up NYE cos he's waiting for a better offer.
Honestly, this is not how men who are seriously interested in you behave. This is how Players, cheats and men who think she'll-do-for-now behave.
All this game playing seems to make some sort of strange sense when you're dating all the wrong men. When you meet the right one it's unnecessary.
Walk away from this one.
I think you're addicted to the chase and the rules and the drama and the games-playing yourself TBH. You don't remotely "come on too strong" by making suggestions for how you and your alleged boyfriend can spend time together. That is normal. He is not normal.
It's your choice - either spend the next ten years chasing fuckwit men who can't have functional relationships with other adults, or wise up to yourself and stop rationalising to yourself that you can't help it that they overpower you with their tremendous charm or whatever. Nobody can make you do anything if you decide it's a bad idea.
Oh god, just bin him.
I have been where you are and I'm sorry to be harsh but he's just not that into you. If you want some self-help go get THAT book, it's so liberating.
I know you are hoping he will suddenly change into this man who loves you madly but it has been long enough to know that's not going to happen. How many times do you want to be fooled by him?
Do you realise that somewhere out there is a man who is just as great as this guy, but who will actually love you and want to be with you all the time? But you're never going to find him if you're wasting all your time with this guy.
And why? I agree you should get some counseling and figure out why you are willing to be treated like this -- actually, why you love someone who treats you like this.
Please believe me, the story you are telling never has a happy ending. So don't drag it out any longer. Dump him now and then you can really enjoy your holidays without worrying about his nonsense.
Look, this is all about self esteem. Both yours and his.
From his point of view he only wants someone who seems not to want him. As soon as someone shows any real interest, he doesn't want them any more. Can't you see what this means? He thinks there's something wrong with anyone who likes him and that only people who don't like him are worth having. This has nothing to do with the woman he happens to be involved with and everything to do with how he feels about himself.
No amount of game playing or life changing or bending over backwards on your part is going to make any difference to how he feels about himself, and therefore no difference to his behaviour.
HOWEVER, you're showing exactly the same behavioural traits as him! He pulls away, rejects you, and makes you feel terrible, and your response is to fall in love with him! Why is that? I'd bet my life savings that if someone came along who showed consistent, loving interest, you'd be inclined to back off yourself.
That Matthew bloke is just a chancer who has come to the very lucrative conclusion that he can make lots of money out of demoralised women with self esteem issues. Nice.
He isn't that into you, I'm afraid.
Make your own arrangements for Xmas and NYE, don't wait around for him. He can always tag along if you're still together.
But you'd be better off with someone who doesn't play games and go hot-and-cold on you. He doesn't do it because of any deep meaning, he does it because he can and he doesn't give a crap how it makes you feel.
Not sure it makes someone a twat to be not as interested in you as you are in them.
I think you sound a bit pushy alex and like you're not letting the relationship find its own pace
something I have been excessively guilty of in the past. I'd just back right off and try not to force things.
Alternatively dump him because there will be someone who wants to go at your pace out there which might make you happier. He maybe just isn't right for you but it's hard to see that when strong feelings are involved.
Alex I'm sorry but I don't think he likes you half as much as you like him.
Playing it cool might gear him up for chasing you now and again but it doesn't last does it?
I never have to act a certain way to make DH like me more and I never did before we were married. We just like each other and want to be together in our spare time.
Being needy is off putting, yes. But asking your boyfriend when he's coming over or what he's doing for Christmas/new year is not remotely 'coming on too strong'. What you're doing sounds exhausting and pointless.
<bangs head on table. repeatedly. gives up>
Alex - you're not listening. I don't think you will. You have posted here numerous times, vacillating ridiculously from being head over heels in love to bemoaning the fact that he is game-playing.
Just. STOP. Get counselling. Work on your self-esteem. And stop using this discussion board as another 'fix'.
I couldn't be arsed watching the video, sorry.
However, your "boyfriend" sounds like a complete bellend. I wouldn't tolerate his petty games (he acts like he is 14) and would drop him like a hot potato and wouldn't give him a second chance.
i think hes right for fuckbuddy situations, but not for long term stuff. Sounds exhausting if you have to constantly play it cool and make a man work for your attention.
Its not really been like that for my guy. Hes happiest when im being lovey dovey.
Don't see him then, ditch him over the phone.
I'm 31, he's 41.
I suppose he just has the gift of the gab. I can be feeling like this, all empowered and knowing that I don't NEED him and he doesn't really deserve me but when I see him, I self implode and go back to being the stupid underdog that he obviously sees me as.
A certain kind of man likes the chase. He's probably not worth bothering with because of the cooling period and the fact that he'll be chasing elsewhere before long. I've watched a very good friend do this cycle over and over again. She stays aloof and enjoys the chase, the moment she relaxes and shows interest they back off. Or on occasion they wait until they've done the whole moving in together thing and then have an affair.
They're not all like that.
Why do you love someone who's being such a dick towards you? Don't you think you deserve any better?
What advice would you be giving someone in your position, OP?
Think about the fact that we can see this completely objectively since we know neither of you.
How old are the pair of you?
Cut him loose completely. Ask yourself why you love someone who doesn't love you. Work on yourself and your own life. Look back on this in a few years when you have a great life and think 'WTF was I thinking?'. Then pass on what you've learnt to the next woman who faces this problem (like Esme and I are doing for you!)
Ok so - say I do stop making plans, stop texting him, stop everything -
If he wants to stick around and still wants to be with me, what then? Does it mean anything?
Do I just cool it right off and get on with my life and see where we are 6 months from now and re-evaluate or just cut him loose completely? I won't like, that would be very hard for me to do because I love the git
Sorry OP but having read your further posts I have to agree with the ladies above. This man sounds like a player and a total nightmare. You really shouldn't be feeling like this so early on.
Take a step well away and think about what it is YOU want. I'm afraid from the sounds of it this man is neither capable of or willing to have a real relationship with you.
This is the way this man is. He will be like it in 20 years. He is very unlikely to change. Do you want to be playing these games for the next 20 years and more?
AKiss I used to be exactly the same too. Worrying and hoping and taking up hobbies in the hope of meeting someone or filling my life until HE called.
Alex I don't think you need this man in your life. An entertainment buddy with sex sounds about the extent of his feelings. That's absolutely not a reflection on you - you just need to get rid of him and be on your own or find someone who IS on the same page.
Partners should love you and want to be with you without any game playing.
Alex I have to agree with Esme that by waiting until December you ARE putting your life on hold. It sounds to me like he is throwing relationship Frisbee's and seeing how high you will jump to catch them. He 'hinted' at Christmas and then as soon as you said you wanted to spend it together he started backing off. Not particularly nice behaviour on his part really.
If you want to spend NYE with him ask him straight out. Then if he fannies around with an answer don't waste your time trying to persuade him. Just go and make alternative plans. You can be sure as S**t that he will whine about it then. In response all you have to say is "Well you didn't seem sure and I needed to know what my arrangements were" It will give him the shock of his life hopefully.
Cancelling plans with friends to see a boyfriend is not good behaviour. Frankly your friends deserve better and you are just not that much of a doormat surely? Arranging your life around a man will not show him him how devoted you are. It will just make him think "Hmmm, this girl is really into me, how far can I push it? Not very nice I know but that seems to be how it goes most of the time. It's time to metaphorically grow a pair lady!
Oh and I would also suggest making arrangements to do something else one of these Friday nights of his very, VERY soon. It isn't 'game playing' as such. More showing him that you do have a life apart from him.
Oh and I've been to a Matthew Hussey seminar and I didn't rate him. His advice basically consists of chucking yourself at every man you see until one sticks. They also spend the entire 2 hours trying to get you to sign up to his weekend course which costs nearly £700!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.