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If your ex...

(129 Posts)
Pickles77 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:33:04

Suddenly decided to tell you he wanted to try again with your 9 week old baby after he made you leave at 24 weeks pregnant to go back to your parents, and leave your job. Whilst he spent your pregnancy in bed with someone you hate, what would you do?

Especially if you had just met someone wonderful else

With no deceleration of love or anything.

I really hope you agree with the four letter phrase with the last word ending off I just directed at him

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 21:06:19

I cant wait because I can assure you I will be whatever he would like to call me as we are going knowhere!!!

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 21:04:41

I hope you're looking forward to it, Pickles!

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:00

The fact he hasn't contacted anyone to ask how DD is says it all really doesn't it.

Next bloody drama will me being unreasonable selfish and horrible about Christmas <rolls eyes> wink

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:10:46

Sensitive- taking offence to an outrageous comment by the narc

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 17:08:33

dramatic - caring about something the narc doesn't care about

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 17:06:48

I agree with all of your definitions and can add to it

Lazy - being tired when the narc is not tired
Greedy - being hungry at a time when the narc is not actually hungry himself

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 16:11:48

Hahaha grin

Difficult - straying from the role that the narc has painted you in (probably because you had no idea they had)
Mean/boring - refusing to enable the narc's latest flight of fancy or project
Frigid - not having a sex drive that is constantly tuned to the narc's
Nymphomaniac freak - not having a sex drive that is constantly tuned to the narc's grin

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:16:46

Hearts, I think that's the only way to look at it now. I have nothing to loose when I look at it clearly. It's DD that's sat on my lap smiling at picklesdog.
It's not me missing out grin

Annie, Pickles, you guys are on to something. I look forward to reading your book when it's published!! grin

Pickles honey I am so pleased for you that you are being so strong. Being able to look at a crappy situation with humour is so empowering.

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:04:30

Oh my goodness Annie that has just made my day. I hold you responsible for the snort that just escaped waking DD from
Her nap grin

Nutcase- Trying to maintain independence whilst in a relationship with a Narc
Paranoid- asking a simple question about said Narcs day.
Lazy- looking after said Narcs child.
Unambitious/loser- holding your own dreams and aspirations that are important to you and are not as big and grand as Narcs

smile

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 13:44:14

That's the way. Save your niceness for people who are willing (and able) to be nice back.

We should write the Narc's Dictionary, what d'you think? I'm afraid, though, it would get a bit monotonous as all the definitions would be similar.

Selfish (adj): Engaging in any activity that does not directly benefit the Narc
Horrible (adj): Refusing to carry out an activity that would directly benefit the Narc
Unreasonable (adj): Failing to agree with the Narc
Mad (adj): Having an opinion that does not align with that of the Narc
Delusional (adj): State of mind that unaccountably fails to acknowledge the Narc as the centre of the universe

etc.

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 09:42:15

Thank you smile I do think he does have NPD I have quite a good book on it. Surviving and thriving when dealing with a NPD smile

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 09:37:16

You can't understand someone like this, they're just wired weirdly IME! Don't spend your precious time and invest your emotional energy into anything to do with him as people like this are almost like a vacuum for that stuff, and it's an enormous waste when you have things which would benefit you and your DD that you could invest that time and energy in, and would make you feel happier too smile

However this might help, I found it helpful when I was having to deal with XP day to day (thankfully he has fucked off to the far side of fuck now grin) - I'm not saying that your XP has NPD or any other diagnosis, but if he's behaving in these ways then these ways of blocking/coping with it might be helpful to you smile

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 18:15:15

Yeah,me too, I march to the beat of my own drum now. I do nice things for people who are important to me, but I am not putting their needs before mine.

HRH008 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:13:18

You know what? I used to get accused of being "nice".

I stopped.

I´m MUCH happier now. Also, I find that when I cut out people who didn`t like the "selfish, horrible and unreasonable" me I found my life got much better.

Please, stop talking to him, stop engaging with him, stop trying to understand him. Stop giving him space in your head.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:12:56

Hahaa the song predictable by delta goodrem reminds me a lot of him hmm

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 18:09:43

Pickles, you have to remind yourself that it's not selfish to put your needs before his needs. He is putting his needs before your needs! so in that relationship there were two people putting his needs first?! That's certainly how it was with my x. And funnily enough the second I tried to get out of the relationship which was what I needed to do to put myself first and meet my own needs then I was labelled selfish and mad and ......... I won't make the screen turn blue typing the other stuff!

mummylouise Thu 22-Nov-12 18:05:20

Pickles my ex did this when i was 3 mnths preg and had a 1 year. It was the worst time of my life. He wanted to get back together after baby was born - i didnt and it was the best decision i ever made. Ten years on i am with someonelse and much happier than i ever was with him. And he has asked me back lots of times - dont think he has ever truly been happy.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:00:51

Yes that's something I always get told 'I'm too nice' to everyone.
The second I put my foot down with him the abuse gets hurtled at me. Selfish, horrible, unreasonable. hmm I'm the least selfish person ever!

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 17:57:28

These selfish entitled wankers have a knack for tapping into the fact that part of your identity probably (?) revolves around being 'nice'. That being a 'nice' person is something you identify with. Being a people pleaser in other words. They know this and the second you stop bending over backwards to 100% accommodate them at your own expense then they will tell you that you're cold, or selfish, or that you owe them another chance. As Xales says, you owe this guy nothing! And nice people can draw a line too.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:31:02

You lot are the most amazing support network. My mum just chatted to me about it and I'm now looking at it in a humorous way x

Xales Thu 22-Nov-12 17:22:11

Exactly what HRH008 says

PLUS at the time he was lying flat on his back with his dick deep inside the OW before deciding she wasn't as much a door mat as you.

He fucked around behind your back when you were pregnant.

He brought another woman into your bed when you were pregnant.

He dumped you for the exciting new woman when you were pregnant.

You owe him fuck all.

You are not all these vile things. He is using them because he knows you to hurt you as much as he can. A fine example of how much he loves and cares for you.

Stop communicating with him apart from about the little one.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:09:20

I'm trying to be strong.
I'm also still trying to understand him but I don't think I ever will hmm

Leverette Thu 22-Nov-12 16:45:37

No Pickles you didn't cause this. He's probably tried to make you feel to blame for his shitty behaviour - do you pull strings and have your hand up his arse to make his mouth move? No, didn't think so.

He caused it because he is responsible for his own behaviour and is a WANKER who cannot interact with a female partner in a normal, healthy, respectful, constructive way.

He is a three year old in a grown mans body. And a WANKER grin

Whilst you are lovely, normal, kind and STRONG.

HRH008 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:01:17

Errm, sorry, no Pickles77 it was HIM thinking he could butt back into your life that caused all this.

Infact, it was him butting the hell OUT of your life in the first place that caused all this.

You`re doing great. You will continue to thrive. Keep going. x

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