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Domestic Abuse - How do I move forward?

(14 Posts)
GirlfromMars82 Sat 17-Nov-12 19:39:38

I have reposted this with a new title on advice from another Mumsnet user. I am a bit of a newbie when it comes to using forums! Post was originally called Low Self Esteem.

Apologies for the long post...

I had to leave my home a week ago with my baby daughter as my husband lost his temper. I was unwell and wanted to call my Mum to go over to her as I needed help as my husband has not been a hands on parent and has never even changed a nappy since the birth of our baby girl. He has grown up in another country in a family where the women do everything for the men. He took objection to me wanting to call my Mum, he threw my phone against the wall, told me I was an unfit mother that I should be able to cope and I was insane. I told him I was leaving with our daughter and then it's all a bit of a blur but he was grabbing me with force to stop me going, he threw another phone against the wall and I believe he also pushed me. I managed to finally get to another phone and called my Dad asking him to pick me up. My husband would not let us leave with my daughter and the police were called though in the meantime my husband did let us leave with her. My husband is very angry with my parents for interfering.

The policemen who spoke to me were lovely and insisted that it was domestic abuse. I have never considered myself a victim of domestic abuse, before this incident there were a couple of smaller incidences in pregnancy and one after the birth of our daughter. The police said that they would have to arrest him which I do not want and though they wanted me to make an official statement they were lovely and said I did not have too. So my husband was taken to the station but released without charge.

My husband called me a few days later to ask if we could meet to work out where we go from here. I met him hoping for some kind of remorse but instead he said that we should seperate as this would happen again and that it was us as a couple were the problem and he did not think he had any anger problems, I had not been a victim of domestic abuse and therefore this would not happen again with someone else. He also implied that the police did not think I had been a victim of domestic abuse once he had explained his side. If my husband had shown willingness to get help I would have probably been willing to give things another go but he has now taken any control away from me.

I feel so low now, my self esteem has been knocked so much that I really do feel he is right and that I am a rubbish mother and I feel a failure as a wife as well. I miss him so much as well and I just don't know how I can move on with my life. He wants to see our daughter and I know that is going to be hard for me as I hurt so much I can't bear the thought of seeing him and us not being together. I have often been feeling quite low since the birth of my beautiful daughter I think it was more baby blues than post natal depression though I think the lack of help at home made things worse. I can't help but think if I'd kept myself together a bit more we might have been ok.

I know that posting on this forum will not solve anything but I just wanted to talk about this with someone other than immediate family and friends. I'd be grateful to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How will I get through this? How do I get my self esteem back? I'm trying to keep myself together for my baby girl but it's so difficult.

aufaniae Sat 17-Nov-12 21:18:06

GirlFromMars, firstly you are not a rubbish mother or a failure as a wife!

You are absolutely a good mother who protected your DD when she needed you.

Your husband has failed you greatly however.Of coures it's your H with the problems, not you as a couple. You know that surely?

I know it must be so hard at the moment, but honestly you've had a lucky escape - even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. Men like your H don't change. If your self-esteem has taken a battering now, I can guarantee it wouldn't be any better with more years of the same. sad

Have you spoken to your GP about PND?

How do you move on? Baby steps. You will move on, it will get easier, the pain will fade. You will reach a point where you are happy again, and really do not want to be with your H. I know that may sound impossible now, but it's true, I promise smile

aufaniae Sat 17-Nov-12 21:21:22

"He also implied that the police did not think I had been a victim of domestic abuse once he had explained his side"

You know this is rubbish right? The police knew it was domestic violence, no question. They only reason he's not facing charges is because you didn't want to. The reality is that he's a violent abusive man, whether he admits it or not, and the police are well aware of this.

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 21:36:42

aufanie is right. The fact that you left this horrible man and protected your daughter makes you the best mother in the world. Your husband lies. A lot I would imagine. And nothing you could have done would have been satisfactory for this man. He is an abuser. They move the goalposts to suit. Often.

I would start disengaging from him. Not rising to his verbal abuse, in fact just not listening to it. Not talking to him about anything other than visiting your DD (or divorce and then only the technicalities). As you are less under his influence you will find your self esteem rising.

Are you living with your parents and are they supportive?

Many hugs too. You are having a shit time but it will get better.

Of course he is denying he is wrong. What an arsehole.

You have done exactly the right thing. I'm so glad you had the courage and support to do so. Your daughter will definitely thank you when she is old enough.

Hand to hold.

madam1mim Sat 17-Nov-12 22:04:13

Wow i was in a v similar position nearly a year ago. As others have said you are such a good mum and have totally done the right thing by protecting your daughter. My ex said the same about the police, he said thethey laughed at me and wasted their time. Months later he admitted get was a liar and that in fact he had abused me. You are in such early days and what i recommend is the following
1) ring women's aid asap
2) lean on any real life support , family friends etc
3) take each day as it comes, don't look too far ahead.
4) cut off all contact with your ex
5) get advice from solicitor
6) try not to b hard on yourself, you are going tthough so much. And remind yourself of how well you are doing.
7) read 'why does he do that'by lundy bancroft and post on the support for emotional abuse thread.

In my experience the road to recovery really is long and has so many ups and downs . It will hurt but it does get better. Good luck op x x

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 17-Nov-12 22:51:59

Hello lovely

Please ignore your husband. Messing with your head is what abusers do, it's their speciality. I believed my XH and it killed my self esteem.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to chip in and say there is nothing wrong with you, you sound like a lovely person and you deserve better. Big hugs from me - it does get better, I promise. [My XH and I split 12 years ago, my life has improved more than I can tell you]

Good luck xxx If you need support this is a good place to be xxx

ponygirlcurtis Sat 17-Nov-12 23:26:47

Hey there. I second the advice to call Women's Aid - all you are doing is getting some advice. And speak to a solicitor, maybe in a free initial half-hr conversation, to find out what their advice would be. At the end of the day, you don't need to do anything regards your H that you dont want to. I know it hurts, and you miss him, I don't have any advice about that (I still miss my NSDH, six months after leaving), but it's better than living in fear.

I'm glad you have family around you, I hope they are supportive. Give yourself some time, the next few weeks will probably be quite an emotional rollercoaster.

You've done a wonderful thing by getting out now and not letting it get worse. Well done.

He also implied that the police did not think I had been a victim of domestic abuse once he had explained his side. hmm hmm

Like hell they did! shock

FobblyWoof Sun 18-Nov-12 00:33:07

I think deep down you know you are right and you it's not your fault (despite your husbands obvious attempts to make you believe otherwise), but sometimes it's the reassurance from others that gives us that little extra boost to be firm and stand our ground.

You are not, in any way, in the wrong here and you were definitely subjected to domestic abuse- by a person who thinks his behaviour is quite reasonable. As you said, you would have considered another chance if he were remorseful, and I think that was pretty generous of you. But please, please don't give him a chance now. He obviously thinks his actions are acceptable and it will only happen again.

It's tough when someone knocks your confidence but don't give in because then his manipulations have won

madam1mim Sun 18-Nov-12 09:03:57

Domestic abuse often starts / escalates during pregnancy and after birth .
'i can't help but think if I'd kept myself together a bit more we might have been ok.'
Please please do not blame yourself. Yout are making an excuse for your ex to behave like he did towards you abduction there is never any excuse. Perhaps if he were.ntt such an abusive pricked and actually supported his wife and child then things would be ok.
Xxx

madam1mim Sun 18-Nov-12 09:05:11

*And there is never

GirlfromMars82 Sun 25-Nov-12 10:19:20

Hi everyone, thanks for all your support. Sorry for taking so long to reply but I've had a really tough week and am still trying to look after my newborn baby whilst dealing with my grief. I have a great network of support from my family and friends but the pain is very real.

In the last couple of days I have found further confirmation that my husband has been unfaithful and by the sound of things he has been having one night stands and perhaps also longer flings for years. There has been lots of evidence of this over the years but I have always given him the benefit of the doubt and believed his lies. The revelation that hurts the most is that he was with a woman when our baby girl was only three weeks old. I feel sick, I feel dirty and my self loathing is immense. I know it's crazy but I keep wondering what I did wrong that made him feel the need to get his thrills elsewhere.

My husband has been pestering me to see our daughter but on his terms. I have told him I do not want to see him at all. I have told him I am aware of his infidelity and all his lies but at the moment he is still denying it. Things are developing all the time though and I think he has realised the game is up.

He has seen our daughter once and that has been supervised but by another member of my family. He is aware that I do not want to speak to him at the moment nor do I want to see him. I'm sure it won't be long before he tries to contact me again though. I am starting to think he was hoping that I would come crawling back to him after a couple of weeks and is now at a loss as this hasn't happened.

I have been to CAB, have spoken to one of the Health Visitors (who was fantastic) and also to Social Services. HV and SS confirmed I have done the best thing for my daughter and despite all my self doubts deep down I realise this is true. I just miss my husband so much though even though I know everything we had was a lie. I haven't quite summed up the courage to call Womens Aid but the HV said I should so I will try and do this over the next couple of days. I just want all this pain to go away! xx

HissyByName Sun 25-Nov-12 20:30:17

The pain will start to lift a bit, and faster than you think.

Luckily, your away from him, have a plan to speak to everyone that can help you, and you have us.

Hundreds of women that have been where you are, and can tell you that from here everything gets better and better.

Yes there are hard steps to climb, but the reward for your effort is beyond your wildest dreams.

Stay strong love, NEVER, EVER, EVER go back.

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