Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Twirling body builders, dominant alpha males and been hurt in the past-Dating thread part 29

(1000 Posts)
Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 17:42:16

Took the liberty of starting a new thread. blush

Off you go ladies and gents...

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 22:23:57

Just try and take it slowly poppy it takes a long, long time to really trust someone. You are vulnerable and you need to try and protect yourself (whilst still enjoying your Italian stallions company of coursewink)

In all honesty I find judging people by their jobs/relationships with others doesn't always serve that well. I used to work in Social services and the manager of my care home was conducting several affairs behind her (adoring) husbands back. She even used to sneak them into the home when she was working night shifts alone! Also, when I was much younger I had an affair with a married man (I'm not proud of it) who was the most doting father ever.

Sorry, it sounds (again) like I'm trying to put you off and I'm honestly not. I'm sure your man is lovely and I've got everything crossed for you both working out. I just think it's best to go into everything with your eyes open and a (healthy) dose of cynicism as well.

#bitterandtwisted blush

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 22:24:58

Ohwestern there are so many barriers, you're right.

I don't know how to play things at all. I've met one chap since being separated nearly two years ago. I am pretty sure he was married and deliberately hid things from me, so I became even more suspicious and have lacked even more trust. 1/2 Italian stallion has been fairly open in contrast - maybe it's the Italian in him

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 22:28:25

No - not bitter and twisted at all Milkand just a dose of reality. I do think that I am overly cynical, if anything. There is a huge dose of mistrust

QuiteQuiet Sat 17-Nov-12 22:31:38

Oh I'm back on POF, to be met with 'muffdiver' (vomit)

Policeman I have dated twice and don't like.

Guy I dated once and thought I loved him but didn't after 1 month. He still 'likes' me but 'nothing serious' (sex). So not going there...

I'm now chit-chatting with a nice-ish guy, I think.... we are texting, he wanted to date me Friday, I got all 'nervy' and mailed him first thing Friday morning and made excuses, we are still in touch and I have no idea where/if it's going anywhere.

When they stop xxx me, I stop xxx them, then they start xxxx again... bloody games.grin

Anyway hello everyone, best of luck!

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 22:33:10

To be honest Poppy, all I think you can do is take things steady and let the trust build naturally. It would be silly to start letting your barriers down after a couple of dates, however nice he seems, because you simply don't know him. Once you get more if a sense of who he is and what his values are, you'll know if he's a person worthy of your trust.

It's actually a really good sign that your radar was working about the last guy, and now you know your instincts are reliable. So, if IS carries on as he's started and doesn't set any alarm bells ringing, you'll start to relax into things more and that's when trust might start to grow.

Worley Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:41

Lordy I only just marked my place in te last thread, I can't keep up with you all!!

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 23:33:30

Just checking back in after my ultra exciting night out with DD. We were at a disco/fundraising night for her swim club. There were actually 3 very handsome men at my table...and their 3 lovely wives. Oh, and I did talk to one man who looked (and smelled) quite lovely AND had no ring on his left hand, but I suspect he is one of those men who knows exactly how good he looks. Ok, this is very sad now, it sounds like the only reason I go anywhere is to look for men.

Just to comment on the whole 'single parent' thing - I've dated some men with kids and some without and I think on balance, I'd prefer to meet someone who already has children. First of all, I'm 41 and definitely not having more so I don't want someone who's still looking to have kids. Second, someone without kids is going to have a harder time really 'getting' the reality of what my life is like. And although the DCs certainly aren't my only interest, the do occupy a lot of my time and my thoughts, I do talk about them a fair bit and it just ends up feeling a bit unbalanced if I'm the only one doing that.

And no, still haven't dumped the engineer yet, but we only exchanged one brief text today as I know he was working and then I was out. So tomorrow...

Right, I'm going to see what entertainment POF has waiting for me.

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:34:22

Be sure to let us know Yoga wink

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 23:53:14

This evenings POF entertainment:

1. Man with facial piercings and a lot of pictures of his cats. Actually his profile made me laugh - "I look a bit like a fat viking and I like looking like a fat viking so if fat vikings aren't your thing.." Still not going to reply, but funny.
2. Tattoo man from last night (I replied just for fun) has now messaged me twice to say 'hows u doin here, where u from xxx?' Uh..NO.
3. "Hi there" from someone "Genuine"
4. "Hi x" from potato who doesn't want any "time wasters or shallow Hals"
5. "Eleven inches"
6. "hi howru im will u look v nice" (another potato)
7. "helo ur gorgous" (more spuds!)

Hard to believe the fat viking was the highlight and it was all downhill from there! Going back into hiding.

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:56:23

Oh Yoga.

I hate it when that happens.

Stolen from another thread kittens

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:57:08

The kittens are to make you smile btw. They're very cute.

bantamrooster Sat 17-Nov-12 23:59:43

that really is a major difference between the online dating experience between men and women. As you know, I've had the angsty - what do I wear moments, the 'why hasn't she replied' moments, the 'oh my god I can't believe she just said that' moments. But when I go back on to the OD site I know I'll have a couple of mails from women who are 15 years older than me, or remarkably unattractive, or both. I might not even have those.

I don't even harbour the tiniest possibility that anyone decent has contacted me, because they're overwhelmed trying to deal with the dross and occasional rough diamond in their inbox. So all I can do is see if anyone new and decent has signed up.

And I wish, Oh how I wish there was a button next to the 'hide this profile' button, which said 'Don't burn my retinas with anyone similar to this ever again'

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 00:01:10

That could be an EthicalDating exclusive Bantam

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:04:38

Mac, don't worry, like Bantam said, I wasn't harbouring the slightest hope of coming home to a message from someone decent. As much as it would be lovely to meet someone really, really nice, at the moment I'm taking the whole thing with a massive pinch of salt. So the above list is pretty much what I expected - just a bit of light entertainment!

thanks for the kittens though, they are very cute. smile

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 00:17:01

Wow, a new thread. I just can't keep up here.... Laughing at yoga's Viking being the highlight. I had one POF whose profile was fireman with pics in uniform etc, twenty years younger than me, turned out he worked in co-op..... Didnt date him just exchanged a couple messages lol.

My Match.com date is still emailing etc, can't wait til Tuesday , we both miss the contact if we can't email for any reason. Both very nervous about RL meeting as get on so well online it would be tragic if no RL spark sad

I know it would be very rare to meet a diamond so soon, but it's weird how well we have connected so far.

These threads are amazing and the support you all have for each other is great

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 00:22:00

skye - actually it's not weird how well you connect with someone. I think most of us have felt that - not to put down your experience in any way - it's just that you don't get to know the actual person until you've met them a few times. When you read messages off a screen you mentally project expressions, intonation, understanding on to the other person when it may not be actually 'real' - not that I'm saying people lie online, just that they may say something and you read it a subtly different way because you want it to mean something different - and it works both ways.

It's true, you can build up a great connection with someone then meet them and it's amazing. It's rare though, so just proceed with caution and don't be devastated if it's not the same in real life.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:28:44

skye and sometimes you have a great connection with someone online and still feel that connection in RL and yet it still doesn't work out after a short time for whatever reason. I've had that too - which is harder than when the RL connection doesn't live up to your expections. So enjoy it...but yeah, be a bit cautious.

The viking was funny. I almost replied just to tell him that, but thought better of it.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:32:14

Ooh, that was weird. I thought i'd hidden my profile again but just got another new message from someone who doesn't like "Protensious, lazy, moody or thick people". Do you think I should tell him he spelled pretentious wrong or would that be too...pretentious?? grin

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 00:37:15

I've had that great connection with men by text/email more times than I can remember.

It's translated into a RL connection precisely once, so I agree it is extremely rare...

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 00:45:28

Ok, I need to keep my feet on the ground, I know that, lol.

He keeps saying things like , "oh god I hope you like me, you're the first person I've met on here that I feel I could have a relationship with"

I keep thinking its just all too full on and I need to get a grip.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 00:49:49

sky I think he needs to calm down a bit to be honest.

Saying "You're the first person I've met on here I feel I could have a relationship with" before he's even actually MET you is very OTT. If he's that intense now what is he going to be like when you actually do meet?

That's the trouble with OD. Too many people build castles in the sky & then move into them before they've even shared a drink in a bar together.

It is very full on & I would advise you to proceed with caution.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 00:53:59

Yoga You should definitely tell him. I had a word spelt wrong on my OKC profile a while back & the men were bloody lining up to point out my mistake!

Because that's JUST the way to win a girl over.hmm

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:54:13

he also sounds like he's very new to online dating, he'd probably be a bit more cautious if he 'been around the block a few times'
if I come across someone like that I tend to leave them alone to find out the hard way, but not on my time grin

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 00:56:55

I have to agree with Milk.

Earlier this year, I was in contact with a bloke. Started off with emails, then texts, then phonecalls. Lots. Was meant to have a first date with him on a Tuesday, then he brought that forward to Sunday because he couldn't wait any longer to meet me.

He came out with loads of stuff about wanting to do anything for me, look after me, etc, saying I should think of him as my boyfriend. You get the picture.

So I met him on the Sunday, spent most of the day together. Due to meet him on the Tuesday as originally planned. Monday morning I got a text:

'Sorry I'm not ready for a commitment'.

Men who are OTT like this...not usually a good sign.

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 01:03:39

I think it's because we are both "normal" lol. He's had mad bints that are into weird things or materialistic. Lol

And I'm fed up with all the pervs on POF. He is a bit full on, but we both miss the contact if we are busy with work family etc and can't email.

I can totally see now how XH had "emotional" affair as it becomes all consuming waiting for that next text or email.

He also said "at worst have made a new friend, at best a new partner". He said on his profile that people need to meet face to face as keyboards lie , then to me he said we need to meet face to face to see if any chemistry.

I think it's evolved so fast because he was off sick last week and we probably had several weeks contact in one lol.

<Head screwed on, feet firmly on ground, grip applied...>

This thread is not accepting new messages.