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Control Freak- alcoholic

(39 Posts)
Feellikeafanny Sat 17-Nov-12 15:09:09

After my DH called me a fucking bitch last night he went onto say I am a control freak and unsociable. Apparently, I dont mix well. He's sick of me and had it up to here. He said this all in front of 13year old who was crying and a bit scared. He was very drunk. I spent my afternoon at a school social event asking people if they minded me standing with them as at some point last night I must have started believing him. I'm not any of the above, i know I'm not,but he's made me feel like a piece of shit on his shoe. It stems from his need to go to a local sportsclub and spend all day there getting pissed to coming home and having beers or a couple glasses of wine. Was tempted to pack up and leave. I don't know what to do, how to help him and his problem that has gone on for quite sometime now. He is a loving husband (when sober) but has just gone down the wrong road. I dont know how to help him?

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 10:37:17

Link to PlantsDieArid's book recommendation.

To use a term which might be more acceptable: problem drinkers find it very difficult to accept their responsibility for their problem. He does want you to validate his behaviour and say it's okay.

Remember: he verbally abused you in front of a child and now all he can say is 'what do you want to do?'

Feellikeafanny Mon 19-Nov-12 10:44:39

You're right again.

He is a binge-drinker and thats alcohol abuse. I know why I need a label it's because he has spent years telling me that it's normal. And I have spent years saying 'there,there'.

PlantsDieArid Mon 19-Nov-12 10:56:07

FLF, it is a mess, a horrible scary one. But it doesn't need to be a mess of your making or indeed one that you and the dcs need to clear up or stay mired in.

If he says he needs help, that's amazing.

If she asks you again, it's ok to say yes. Talk to her abpu different levels of alcoholism and that her dad doesnt need to be on meths and playing the mouth organ on the street to be an alcoholic. Tell her it's a disease that he can beat when he's ready to. Above all, be honest. It's the lying that will make her feel she's mad and tjTs brilliantly covered in the book I mentioned.

PlantsDieArid Mon 19-Nov-12 11:06:04

Trib, thanks for you techy wizardry!

PlantsDieArid Mon 19-Nov-12 11:06:39

Trib, thanks for your techy wizardry!

FLF

You can only help your own self as well as that of your children.

Living with an alcoholic will wreak their childhoods ultimately; they are learning and will learn all sorts of damaging stuff from both you (in terms of codependency and enabling) and him. Your H does not want your "help" or "support"; he wants you there to mainly continue to prop him up.

His primary relationship is with drink - he loves drink more than all of you.

Alcoholism is a family disease - you are all profoundly affected by his drinking behaviours.

You have a choice re him FLF - your children do not.

Again the 3cs re alcoholism apply to you as well:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

theresalwayssomething Mon 19-Nov-12 11:36:59

feellike ive just started a similar thread.

my dh is the same, doesnt drink every day but always drinks too much on nights out etc and is abusive (verbally)

after another awful weekend just gone he is finally saying he needs to stop, but i feel like hes just feeling sorry for himself. he doesnt care about all the times in the past hes made me feel terrible.

Feellikeafanny Sat 01-Dec-12 15:23:16

Hi, I'm back sorry for not updating it's been mad and weird and okay too. Well, DH admitted he had a problem with alcohol and went to see a councillor. And now I think he's changed his mind that it's an alcohol problem and 'it' has become a sleep problem. He does have huge sleep issues so I'm not discounting this as a problem and possibly one that adds to everything else but I'm scared that he will get help for one and not the other. I think he's angry at me for 'forcing' him to go. I didn't, but if he hadn't we would have left. So maybe I did? I have made a further appt for us both to go and see the councillor together as DH felt he was more a marriage councillor and he expected us to be there together.

MrsjREwing Sat 01-Dec-12 15:51:45

I have a diagnosed sleep disorder that requires CPAP, I don't and never have issues with alcohol, one glass of red wine with a Sunday roast is my normal weekly consumption if that. We all cope differently. I hope you all find peace soon.

Feellikeafanny Sat 01-Dec-12 15:58:06

Sorry, back again. The councillor he went to see is not 'just' a marriage councillor but deals with lots of different things including alcohol addiction. DH was pretty vague about seeing him again and doesn't know I've booked another appt, yet. I sound like the 'control freak' he called me, don't I? But if I let it go this time where des it all end? I am wrong to push this? Can I push this or am I fighting a losing battle?

Theresalwayssomething - how are you? It sounds like a very simiilar situation although the verbal stuff is new for me. Well, infront of the kids it is.

Feellikeafanny Sat 01-Dec-12 16:07:16

Thank you MrsJR. I know with DH there has been a long cycle of not sleeping properly and that does cause him major problems. I suspect undiagnosed depression and at times sleep apnea. He has refused to see the Doctor on either. He says it leaves him unable to handle his drink and that's where the problems start. I disagree, I think he is a very greedy drinker/eater and none of these things help his sleep but his sleep isn't the cause for these actions. IYSWIM, sorry such a garble trying. I am trying to sort it all out in my head.

MrsjREwing Sat 01-Dec-12 16:07:16

See the councellor for you alone, your dh can go sort out his sleep issues with the GP, he is a big boy, over 18, a married father not a child.

MrsjREwing Sat 01-Dec-12 16:11:37

xposts. I have SA, a symptom is depression due to sleep deprovation, the depression is a result of SA it doesn't cause SA. A sleep study will tell him if he has it or not. I don't think the SA has anything to do with drink, with me I used coffee and food to live with daytime sleepyness symptoms and fatigue still am fatigued drink would make SA worse surley?

Janeyjanejane Sun 10-Feb-13 19:43:40

My 'story' started the same way as yours. Nice guy, good dad, moderate drinker, occasional bender resulting in demeaning rants about my 'shortcomings' infront of the children. Gradually the drink changed his brain chemistry and he couldn't stop. He would not accept any help. He lost his job and died 15 months later, alone, hundreds of miles from us. His beautiful sons, aged 4 and 9, are utterly bereft. The nine year old has had a nervous breakdown. He made our lives a misery and his kids will pay the price for ever.

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