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I've walked out and left him in tears. Can I have a hand to hold?

(16 Posts)
EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 23:22:45

Thanks, Ferino. I think you're right about the whole staying friends thing, as much as I'd live it to happen I just don't think it'll be good fr either of us.

Ferino Sat 17-Nov-12 22:59:07

I was you seven years ago. Lovely guy, really genuinely great...but just not somebody I saw in my long term future. I felt very selfish but it is something about which you are entitled to be selfish - your entire future! It was a slightly bumpy few months after it ended, and then I (predictably) met DH and things clicked into place. I really do hope that my ex boyfriend is much happier and with somebody else now, but I knew it would have been cruel to 'stay friends', so I have no idea what he is doing now.

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 22:14:23

Oh god, really feeling like I've fucked up sad how the fuck have I finished it with someone that I do still love?!

In my head I know it was right and the more I think about it the more that falls into place to make me know it was right, but then it hits me that I've broken up with him and I'm not going to cuddle up and shout at Newsnight with him again, or argue about his turn it is to make a cup of tea, and it's my fault, I'm the one that's done this.

Fairylea Sat 17-Nov-12 21:00:08

It seems bad now but you will look back in the future and feel you did the right thing especially if you've been thinking about this for a while.

Get some chocolate and a really good funny film and some mum / friend comfort. Talk on here. You'll be fine.

And so will he. If it wasn't right for you then it wouldn't have been right for him either.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:56:39

You have the done the hardest part, the next part is the going forward even the miserable bit you are feeling now is part of this. Dont be swayed stay kind to him if he contacts you, but be firm at the same time. All the best lovey and safe journey in every respect.

ladyWordy Sat 17-Nov-12 16:20:36

It's true, life is not simple, and no relationship is really perfect.
It hurts, and takes courage, to do what's right sometimes.

Take care of yourself. The future starts here. brew

doyouwantfrieswiththat Sat 17-Nov-12 15:43:42

life's too short, you did the right thing for you...believe me it's better than realising 15 years down the line that you kept trying to make it work because you loved each other but you just didn't want the same things....

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 15:36:35

smile No opportunities as yet, but believe me I'll be grabbing them! Thanks for the lecture, it is helping. I think I knew this was coming and knew it might happen this weekend, but it's still taken me somewhat by surprise. And walking out the door when the person you still have feelings for is begging you not to go is worse than anything I could ever have imagined.

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 15:10:05

Not all break ups are like that. And actually, those would be pretty horrible last memories to have of your relationship.

In May or thereabouts I got together with someone I had been insanely in love with for ages and he hurt me really, really badly. I decided right then that while I was single and earning, I would apply for jobs 200 miles away in my old university city. I moved here in August and haven't looked back. If I'd stayed things might have worked for a while, who knows? What I do know is that my life up here is 1000 times better.

(Nearing the end of lecture soon, I promise). A career is such a valuable asset for a woman, hell, for anyone! If you've been given an option to move upwards, take it! smile

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 15:03:10

Thanks. The last line of your post is ridiculously close to summing up the work situation! I guess I just never imagined breaking up with someone that I still care about, that I do, to an extent, still love. When I've played it out in my head I imagined screaming and shouting and hating each other. Guess life's just not that bloody simple.

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 14:56:01

I just can't believe how much pain I could cause someone else.

Please don't think like this. When it comes to finding a partner you can see yourself being with forever, you have to be willing to be very honest with yourself, which you have done.

You mentioned other people's problems on here - take a look at the posts by women who are in desperately unhappy situations, not because of violence of ill treatment, but because they have settled with someone they knew was wrong for them and are now yearning for their time back.

Whatever you work situation is, it sounds complex , but I promise your options increase hugely when you only have to worry about yourself, particuarly when you can go literally anywhere in the country...the world!

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 14:44:48

We knew things weren't right before I went. I think I knew that this was more than just a possibility. It wast through choice that we went so lon without seeing each other (5 weeks, to be precise), but it didn't suit us and I think it just brought underlying issues to the fore rather than being the problem in itself. This nearly happened a couple of days ago but we decided to try again. It didn't even make 48 hours.

I just couldn't picture him in my future. I've been having to think about future plans due to my current work situation and none of the things I was thinking involved him. The relationship probably could have limped on for a few more months, but it would have felt very superficial knowing I had no intention of this being forever. I just can't believe how much pain I could cause someone else.

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 14:30:13

Don't even try to compare yourself to others on the board. Their problems are their own and nothing to do with your situation.

You're right - love isn't enough and you sound extremely sensible and forward thinking. A year is a crucial point in a relationship - does it stand a chance of going the distance or is it best to nip it in the bud?

I know I'm sounding crass and unfeeling but between your words you sound like you really do know you've done the right thing. It makes me sad when women feel bound to futureless relationships for fear of being seen a "failure."

Had you gone to his with the intention of ending things or did you just realise? A few weeks does seem a long time to go without seeing a boyfriend.

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 14:22:45

Just over a year. I feel such a fraud, we got together in our final year of uni and he's very much a boyfriend, not a DP. This is nothing compared to what some people are goin through on here sad

I don't think things were right, but what if I hadn't given them a chance? We hadn't seen each other for weeks. FFS, I love him, I do, but it just wasn't enough any more.

FermezLaBouche Sat 17-Nov-12 14:15:33

Poor you. if you felt things weren't right then you've done absolutely the right thing, even if it feels shit right now. EVERYONE has the right to leave a relationship.
People's reactions should be the very very last of your priorities. They know nothing about your inner feelings and decent people wouldn't be so rude as to judge.
How long had you been together?

EduCated Sat 17-Nov-12 14:12:12

I've just left my boyfriend. Walked out of his flat and left him crying his eyes out and got on a train. And I don't even know if I've done the right thing. I think it was, but seeing him so completely broken has torn me apart.

He kept asking me why but all I could say was that it didn't feel right any more. It was like there was a massive great glass wall between us, everything looked right but I couldn't reach him, not properly.

And now I'm sat on a fucking train crying my eyes out and trying to work out how I'm going to tell people that my relationship which was so good, so perfect is over, because I just couldn't imagine him in my future.

It will be ok, won't it?

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