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I told him it was over - he handed me a suicide note.(104 Posts)
I didn't want to say anything in front of the kids, I had been putting it off because I knew in my heart that I couldn't make it work. So he wormed it out of me by asking what was wrong and pushing even after I told him to please wait until the DC were picked up to go out.
He phoned his mum in front of me, having said he didn't want the DC to go out because he would "do something stupid" if they weren't around. His father had already left, so we did a charade while he picked them up - I guess my MIL told him when he got hte DC back to their house.
He kept saying he didn't want it to be over, and then a little while after they left he came and handed me a suicide note. I stopped him going out and managed to talk him down - he's sat in a kind of stupor in the living room now while I'm upstairs. (I can hear him every time he moves.)
I don't know what to do. I want the DC, to hold them and hug them because I still don't know what happens next. I didn't want it to be like this, and now I just feel lost and trapped here, because I can't leave him alone. I'm sure deep down he knows that. He won't talk about what we do next, won't talk at all. I'm scared to call his parents and tell them he wants to kill himself, but I have to don't I? I just want the DC to be okay and not see their father like this.
It's all gone horribly wrong and I'm just totally lost.
OP, you say you need someone with you because of your seisures. This is not a reason to stay with your H. He is not a suitable, responsible adult to be caring for you or your DCs.
We have a relative who was trapped in a manipulative relationship for years. It started with suicide threats and similar, and escalated. It took a terrible turn when he drove up a motorway the wrong way, caused a horrible crash and yet he survived. He was put on strong drugs which virtually paralysed him, and sent back to her, she was made responsible for him. She was trapped with him for a further 14 years. Eventually her extended family stepped in to help her and her H went back to live with his mother and she stayed with a cousin until she was sorted out. This is an extreme case, but there have been a lot of people saying your H will recover. He might not.
Is there anyone else, a cousin, a friend, who you could move in with, or who would call your H's parents and get them to live with them? For his sake as well as yours, he needs to break this pattern of manipulation.
Is the house yours, or is it in joint names? The most important thing to progress with is removing his right to inhabit the house as soon as possible (if you are who I think you are it's your house, isn't it?) on the grounds that he is abusive to you.
He's got everyone exactly where he wants them and he knows it. His plan completely worked.
I can't advise you on how you go about living independently as I don't know anything about your condition or what help you currently have but at the moment your H is more than aware that you need him.
He absolutely knows that you won't throw him out.
There's only one way to show him he's wrong. And that's to show him he's wrong!
Get an emergency appointment with your GP, tell him/her exactly what is going on and tell them that you need help as you are now living alone with your dc.
You CAN do it.
We rent, and the house is in both of our names. Because we don't work (I get ESA and he recieves carer's allowance - paid into my bank account as he doesn't have one) most of the income is in my name.
If I go, he has to start over with claiming things. I am going to call the CAB when I can and get some more advice. It's starting to sink in just how much this can't be the slow, easy-on-the-DC split that I wanted.
Whatever he has do do about his claims are not your concern at all.
The split won't be easy on the dc, they never are, but by letting him drag it out you are making it more complicated and confusing for them.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but when I was in a similar situation I needed a bit of an arse kicking to make me see sense.
You are their stability. You have to make them feel safe and secure. You can do that by telling them that their daddy doesn't live with you anymore but that you both still love them just as much and are still a family. They need definites not maybes.
He is not a healthy person for them to be around at the moment and seeing all this is really not good for them.
Look after you and your dc. He is an adult, he can look after himself. If he can't his parents must be the ones to step in not you.
My ex was ExACTLY the same. Pulled the same suicide stunt when I finished it. Every time I'd be ready to finish it he'd pull it, eventually after 6 years I plucked up the courage (after seeing his mum go through the same with his dad and bring up kids through it) and did it. After a few sleepless nights of hiding keys locking doors getting his friends and family involved he did nothing. Months after he admitted it was a game to get me back - what sort of spineless arse does that to his family?!
Now clearly that's mine not yours, but what I'm saying is its not a reason to waste your life hoping he'll get better, he won't it's a game to manipulate. Stand strong, get the relevant help for him but if you don't want to be with him don't let it stop you.
Remember also that you have every right to dump an unsatisfactory partner, even if it hurts his feelings. No one owes anyone a couple-relationship, and people who get dumped should simply suck it up - ie not become violent or threaten suicide.
SolidGold "people who get dumped should simply suck it up - ie not become violent or threaten suicide". Sadly, that is quite often not the reality that people have to try and cope and live with.
So, today seems to be "denial day". He's told me that he will get help but he "needs" me to make the phone call and book him an appointment with the GP. I have told him that I don't feel different just because he has said this - he has told me that whatever I think, in his mind he is doing it for me.
I don't want to start arguing with him at the moment because the DC are around, and tomorrow I am going out with a friend and will be able to more easily work out my next steps.
He has said "I love you" in passing a few times today, to which I haven't responded. I want to be able to speak to someone - probably at the council as well - before I start things in earnest. It's so frustrating that this all kicked off when the CAB and other legal outlets were closed. And then today he's been in the living room all day and I've had no space to go off by myself and call helplines. I should have done this yesterday but my head just wasn't there.
I know I'm probably doing everything wrong, but I'm still just trying to keep my head clear. He's really playing the contrite act down to a tee - he told me earlier that he knows he's been treating me "like scum...no. not scum, but like a child" for about three years. The thing is, apologies have been enough to placate me until now. But...I just don't love him any more, and the trust has completely gone. I'm biding my time until tomorrow, when DS is at school and one of my friends will be here.
I agree, it sounds like he has been very manipulative. I don't believe he was 'talked down' at all - I think he realised that the game was up, and he had to agree to make a GP appointment in order to get out of the MH Unit. I suspect that if the MH Unit had really thought he was suicidal, he would have been sectioned. So see it for what it was - a manipulative stunt to stay together.
And so far, it has worked. He is back home pretending it never happened.
The need to have someone around to care for you complicates matters, but please don't think you are bound to him because of that. There must be some other way.
I agree, he needs to make his calls himself, not you.
Can you go out for a walk this afternoon to get some space?
He doesn't "need" you to make the call to his GP, he needs you to stay invested in his drama. After you make the call he will "need" you to go with him to his appointments. And before you know it you'll be back on the merry-go-round.
Look after yourself first, OP. I don't think it's a coincidence that he escalated this when he knew the agencies you might turn to for help to escape would be closed.
You are entitled to an assessment of needs under the community care act. If you require support at home in order to keep your dc safe you may get it (no promises) but you are legally entitled to the assessment.
"he has told me that whatever I think, in his mind he is doing it for me".
The trouble with that statement is, it is a shame that he is not doing it all for himself. And he is only doing stuff now hopefully, because he has been somewhat forced to, because of the suicide note.
I do think that at least one benefit to come out of all this for you, is the fact that the authorities now have certain things on record, should you need their help in whatever ways.
Well done, btw, for how you are coping under all the strain. You are doing very well. Hopefully your friend tomorrow will be able to help you a lot too.
Well, he's playing you like a fiddle OP, isn't he?
Dig deep and decide 100% whether you want out of this relationship. If you really do, then I would suggest that you throw him out. He can go to his parents. You said that you wanted to split prior to his suicide threat, so obviously when you decided this you had the same health issues that you are now citing as an excuse for letting him stay. Sorry, I know I sound hard, but right now, he's taking you for a mug.
I would: write to his parents a detailed letter explaining everything, not in an apologetic way, but just stating the facts in a calm detailed detached way. Then you'll feel better for putting them in the picture, and what they do with the information is up to them. Not your problem. I'd get a friend to stay with you if possible for the next few days. You don't need all this 'you phone the GP for me shit' that he's spouting. You don't need to do anything for him again, unless you want to.
It really is this simple and this black and white. He's clouding everything because he can, because he's got the upper hand, and he wants to make you as guilty as hell. Like I said in my first post on here, bounce it all back, ignore it all. Tell him to go.
Good luck x
Don't make the appointment for him. He is a grown man. He isn't that ill. Is he even ill?
I think one of the worst things about being a woman in this society is the way that were are conditioned to be "nice". We are expected to sacrifice ourselves, our needs and desires, to the needs and desires of practically everyone else.
You are going to have to be not nice here. Don't make any appointments for him. When he says he loves you, he expects you to reply in kind. Don't.
Be polite, but firm. And detach like crazy. You are not responsible for him, and he is not a good man -- he is treating you and your children extremely badly.
And if he says that you are bitch or similar (which he probably will), so be it. Better a bitch than a floormat.
OP, I remember you from another thread you posted on a couple of weeks ago. I have namechanged since but was cannotseeaway. You have been really strong deciding to finish your unhealthy relationship and you need to now stay strong and focussed; you can do it. I am going through similar at the moment.
Good luck and stay strong. [hand hold]
duckies, I do indeed remember you, and thank you so much for your kind words. I'm trying to see past all the emotional blackmail (because that is what it is; he was saying earlier that he felt sick, possibly because of stress), and keep going until this is sorted.
Tomorrow will be my doing-things-day; I'll liaise with my friend and talk to someone at the CAB, and hopefully the council too. I just want to get things sorted in terms of what will happen, and all H is prepared to do is muddle along living "separated but together" - ie: with everything the same only without kissing and sex. How mightily convenient for him.
It sounds like you are seeing things nice and clearly now: good for you. Just stay calm and proceed with the steps to get him out of the house. If he switches to aggression (which he might well do when he sees that neither charm nor self-pity is working) don't be afraid to call the police. The more officially recorded incidents of arsehole behaviour from him, the better in terms of getting him out.
Please don't let him suck you back in. No-one 'talked him down' when he saw the mental health nurse as he had no intention of doing anything. He wanted to engage with counselling for 5 minutes when he knew he had to behave but now he's back at home, he's back to business as normal. It's likely the mental health team also have his number as they see hundreds of self-centred drama queens like him every week - but unfortunately it's not part of their remit to tell you not to fall for his act or to get him to 'engage with treatment', they are busy enough with really ill people without having to cure people suffering from the illness of 'being an arsehole'. Please don't fall for the idea that if only he would get treatment for his depression he would change because a) he won't and b) why would he get treated when he has you wrapped around his finger now?
CAB sounds like an excellent idea, as does your GP to talk through how much care you really need - I can't believe he does much caring for you anyway, except for himself which he's obv brilliant at
Hope today goes well OP, and that you stay strong.
So agree with Kundry - no one 'talked him down' at all. He's going to use that line to validate himself. A MH nurse wouldn't 'talk someone down' from suicide and then let him trot off home, leaving him to phone the GP. A genuine threat would be sectioned if high risk. A high threat would hopefully be found a bed somewhere and monitored by Psych today. Even a low risk would be monitored more and at the very least all the info faxed through to GP, so that GP would contact patient on a Monday. Leaving a person to phone their GP next week, tells you how concerned MH are.
Because MH have done what they have (very little) means that his threats are empty, he knows this, they know this and his reluctance to go to GP this week means that the GP will probably think he's wasting his time too.
Please bear all this in mind when he ups the anti this week, and simply let him sort out himself, and your priority is yourself and your kids. Mainly yourself, because when I went through my marriage break-up I quickly realised that if I was ok, then my kids were ok.
And he can't stay and live a separate life in the same house - he needs to go, so I'm glad that you're planning to take practical steps to achieve this.
So far he seems to be doing nothing. Last night we barely spoke. He gives me one or two word answers or non-committal sounds in response.
He slept on the sofa last night (which isn't comfy, I know) and has hardly spoken this morning. He is really emphasising the "look of betrayal" - possibly TMI this, but I normally sleep commando, and the reason he slept downstairs would be that since we have been sharing a bed, last night I put something on.
I'm looking forward to getting out of the house today - the atmosphere in here is suffocating. I barely spoke to him last night; I was playing games on the PC to try and keep my mind off of things. When I am down or sad I distract myself, because something I learned from my own parents' split is that whatever happens, it can't be in front of the children. I hated my DM for years because I thought she didn't care about what was happening because she did that, but she kept our childhood as normal as she could and with hindsight I fully appreciate what she did.
We haven't spoken to DS about what is happening yet (I think DD is too young to understand even if we tried) as the details are so up in the air and bless him, he hasn't picked up on the tension. Although H is unresponsive and sullen, that's actually not all that different to how he is normally. I think DS just sees that as who his father is most of the time
You are doing things well.
I hope today brings you some answers and comfort.
Good luck today.
Will he not leave the house?
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