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I told him it was over - he handed me a suicide note.

(104 Posts)
Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 12:52:38

I didn't want to say anything in front of the kids, I had been putting it off because I knew in my heart that I couldn't make it work. So he wormed it out of me by asking what was wrong and pushing even after I told him to please wait until the DC were picked up to go out.

He phoned his mum in front of me, having said he didn't want the DC to go out because he would "do something stupid" if they weren't around. His father had already left, so we did a charade while he picked them up - I guess my MIL told him when he got hte DC back to their house.

He kept saying he didn't want it to be over, and then a little while after they left he came and handed me a suicide note. I stopped him going out and managed to talk him down - he's sat in a kind of stupor in the living room now while I'm upstairs. (I can hear him every time he moves.)

I don't know what to do. I want the DC, to hold them and hug them because I still don't know what happens next. I didn't want it to be like this, and now I just feel lost and trapped here, because I can't leave him alone. I'm sure deep down he knows that. He won't talk about what we do next, won't talk at all. I'm scared to call his parents and tell them he wants to kill himself, but I have to don't I? I just want the DC to be okay and not see their father like this.

It's all gone horribly wrong and I'm just totally lost.

DontmindifIdo Sat 17-Nov-12 13:43:44

He doesn't plan to kill himself, if he did, he'd be dead by now.

RandallPinkFloyd Sat 17-Nov-12 13:47:28

I'm so sorry for your losses winterhill but I don't think anyone has said take no notice.

What pretty much everyone has said is don't take responsibility yourself. Two very different things.

OP please don't cave in to this, he isn't your responsibility. You and your dc are your priority.

Call whoever you think best to take care of it but don't let him control you like this. It's cruel, selfish and nasty.

Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 13:49:44

I have phoned the police, they are sending someone round. I took a photo of the note - to prove it to myself as much as anything. I don't want to take the DC from him. When he gets better (I hope he can get better for himself) he is perfectly capable of being a good father.

But not my husband. Not after he just blamed me for "not trying". I am devastated, but still angry at that.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 13:52:49

op, you have done a couple of other threads on here this week.
Do you want them linked?
At the end of the last one, I said he might do something manipulative,as he is very cunning.
Like others I cant guarantee he isnt serious. I dont know. He probably had this idea up his sleeve if he needed it, if you said you were going to leave him.
Call the police,call his parents.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 13:53:32

x post.

RandallPinkFloyd Sat 17-Nov-12 13:55:14

You've done exactly the right thing Kixicle. Just make sure you tell them exactly what happened and that you don't want him in your home.

Please try not to take all the things he's saying to heart. Easier said than done I know, I've been there, still am there almost a year later.

He is saying whatever he can to get you to change your mind. Don't be sucked in, keep that anger, it's what will keep you going.

Once you see beyond the manipulation it's like a fog has been lifted.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 13:56:17

Good luck Kixicle.

HissyByName Sat 17-Nov-12 14:08:17

This IS manipulation, but if you call the police every time, he'll soon get the message that YOU are not going to be the one that jumps, the boys (and girls) in blue will be.

They'll get mighty pissed off with him if they see that he's doing this for effect.

Stick to your plan. Put your DC and yourself first. You have the right - no matter what - to end any relationship you wish to.

Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 14:39:23

Okay, he's gone to the local mental health unit to talk about stuff. He denied it when I went to let them in, but of course I had the note, and in the end he agreed to go.

He's staying at his parents' house tonight when he comes out I think. The plan is for the DC to come back here, and my dad is coming round so I'm not alone.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I've felt so up and down today! I guess this is the start of the next stage of things. It's sinking in now just how much is going to have to change.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 14:44:44

He's likely to manipulate in the mental health unit as you've noted he has form for that. Make sure you have a definite plan that involves him being elsewhere tonight. If - god forbid - he is serious about suicide he should not be anywhere near your children.

CuriousMama Sat 17-Nov-12 14:46:39

Just read your messages. Am so glad it's getting sorted, keep strong.

HoolioHallio Sat 17-Nov-12 14:49:28

You are so bloody brave OP - it took 5 years from exs first suicide/murder threats before i actually got away for good. Stay strong!

emess Sat 17-Nov-12 14:52:35

My DH attempted suicide. I went to see a counsellor. She convinced me that what he did was not my responsibility. She also said "if he wants to kill himself then he will do it regardless of anything you do". That was a weight off my mind and that is my message to you. Remember that your first responsibility is to yourself and then your DCs. Sorry you are going through this, but you are stronger than you realise.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 14:54:26

Look after yourself Kixicle.
Hope he now gets the help he needs.

stoney1215 Sun 18-Nov-12 05:42:48

first thing you should do is have him placed in a mental facility for his , and your safety . then notify his parents of the situation . if the note was sincere than he definitely needs to get mental help . it is also not safe for you to be in the same house with someone who is in a suicidal state of mind . how many times have you seen that someone killed their family and then killed their self ??? when someone is thinking about killing their self they obviously are not in a state of mind where they value human life .

you should definitely inform his parents . tell them everything . he will need all the support he can get . you do too . it should also stop his parents from thinking that you are abandoning him because he is having mental issues .

if the note was an attempt by him to manipulate you , a couple of days in a mental facility should make understand just how serious suicide is . it should also stop any further attempts by him to manipulate you . it will also prove to you that you are not being unfair or unreasonable in your decision to leave him .

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 18-Nov-12 06:29:27

Lots of good advice on here. I'm a MH nurse, and work a lot in A&E, and sometimes people do carry out their suicide threat; so it should never be brushed off. However, it does sound as if perhaps he has made this threat to blackmail you emotionally.

You've done the right thing by calling the police, for his sake and most importantly here, yours. Professionals can and will help him as necessary, and now you've flagged this up with the police and he's spent time with MH, you've done your bit. You've let the right people know in case he's serious. Although he thinks he's duped MH before, I doubt he has, they will have records of his previous appts and a picture will emerge for them to deal with.

The hard days I think though are ahead, because if it was an attempt at manipulating you into staying in the marriage he's backed himself in a corner, so will probably come out all guns blazing.

You will have to be strong and detach from him and bounce his problems back to him to get yourself out of this sad destructive relationship. Just refuse to engage. The issues are his, and his alone. His happiness/sadness is his and you are not responsible for either. I would suggest that you explain everything to his parents so they see the background of the relationship problems and make it clear to them in a kind but firm way, that it is over, and from now on your priority is the kids, and their son is going to have to be their priority not yours.

He will probably pull a lot of tricks out of the bag to try and get you to engage, so detaching will be hard, but if you refuse to engage with him, he will get the message.

Stay strong, you did the right thing.
Saffysmum x

amillionyears Sun 18-Nov-12 07:29:04

Can I ask you something, 50shadesofgreyhair, is what NHS Direct said, their normal standard advice?
Because it seems a little strange to me, that for a medical problem, the police were prepared to act in the first instance, but not the medical profession?

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 18-Nov-12 08:20:07

Hi amillionyears, OP said that all NHS direct could offer was advice, unless he was actually harming himself (I think I've got that right, after re-reading the post). Obviously, I don't know what advice they were going to offer, but yes, that would be a pretty standard response in my experience.

amillionyears Sun 18-Nov-12 08:30:36

But if a GP was called, in this sort of situation, something could be done. That all seems a bit difficult to understand.

Kixicle Sun 18-Nov-12 08:51:59

Hi all. Things went up and down so much yesterday.
My DF came round and sat with me and advised me to call my PIL. They were obviously very worried about H, who hadn't called them (signal was bad).

He was talked down by the team there, and yes, the suicide note was a cry for attention. He came back here last night - this sounds really stupid of me and it is bloody hard to detach emotionally, but because I have seizures, I can't see a way for me to live independently at the moment without considerable planning. We have both taken our rings off. (that happened yesterday in fact)

He still doesn't want it to end, and is being very nice about it all. The nurse practitioner yesterday talked him down and he is going to go on anti-depressants at a higher and faster dose than he did before - when he makes an appointment. He wants me to ring up and make it for him. Initially it was going to be an appointment on Monday, now he wants a regular appointment and won't mind if it's by the end of the week. I'm seeing a pattern start to emerge here...

It's hard. I can see the mind games happening, undermining the fact that I don't want to be married to him any more, but I got to this point and I know this is where I want to be. I'm not going to back down. I know that this barrage won't stop all the time we live together, but at the moment I'm not exactly sure how to go about living independently given that I need supervision with the DC as they are so young! He - in my mind at least - clearly isn't fit to have full custody of them, but he has proven how slick he can be.

Yesterday he was "broken" sobbing and saying he wanted to die. He came back last night and was back to his old self. How can anyone make that kind of transformation? I have roller-coastered considerably, but then, I had support the whole day from a friend and I was the one who wanted out.

It's hard to keep this in mind when he's there and planning family outings - for the DC, naturally - and I feel guilty for being so cynical, but then, fucking hell! Of course I'm cynical! His behaviour is so... the overall picture is totally insincere!

I have no idea what he said to his parents last night. They didn't really want to talk to me. I know I've probably burned bridges there which I will regret - they live in the same town and see the DC a few times a week, where my family (and friends) are further afield. My DF knows that his work will probably send him abroad in the coming weeks and my DM lives 300 miles away and is currently going through divorce proceedings herself.

Honestly, I still can't believe that yesterday actually happened, and now H wants everything to go back to normal! Having hated even the mention of counselling or the idea of me psycho-analysing him until now, because this nurse practitioner advised it, he wants to do it - though I would have to go in with an open mind, hmm

I'm seeing a friend tomorrow, so I'll be able to talk to everything with her and hopefully sort out what's going on in my head. But - and bloody hell! He just came up (DD runs up the stairs atm) and mentioned a book voucher left over from our wedding and mentioned getting a joint book and was deflated when I said we should get something for the DC. He doesn't think I'm serious, does he? Arse.

amillionyears Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:47

I think he knows you are serious.
I think he knows quite a lot of things actually.
And that is what bothers and scares him.
He is emotionally cleverer and intelligently cleverer than those who are trying to help and treat him.

I dont know who can help with your independent living.
Your GP might be the first port of call?

It is a shame about your ILs. I did wonder which way they would jump about it all. Hopefully they will still be helpful to you.

Letsmakecookies Sun 18-Nov-12 09:05:48

I had an x who had 'depression' and kept telling me he was suicidal, in fact he could not do housework, a job, take the children out, be expected to have responsibility for anything, I could not tell him his behaviour was unacceptable, argue with him - in fact it was a great get out of jail free card. At times when he came home he had me go upstairs early to bed so he could have space, otherwise he would harm himself either by binge drinking or worse. The worst thing is his shrink told him to tell someone when he felt like that and I was chosen. Lucky me. I was too scared to breathe in case I annoyed him.

It is no way to live. It is hugely abusive. It is blackmail. It is a really low thing to do.

Your H made a transformation from suicidal to his old self, because it worked. Because you are a kind person with feelings and he is in control. He feels he has taught you a lesson and let every one else know how unreasonable you are by manipulating the situation.

At the least, you need to set down boundaries because he has just wiped all of yours away. Best would be to get some space and evaluate whether you want to go through with the split, and I would advise don't hang around if you do.

HissyByName Sun 18-Nov-12 09:20:27

Id agree, don't hang about, get leverage from the new support he has and know that he has access to every agency possible.

The longer you stay, the more he'll lean on you (crush)

This man is determined to rule you by fear. Don't let him.

Get your freedom blinkers on an d don't stop till he's in your past.

Yokel Sun 18-Nov-12 09:26:35

OP, don't fall for the old 'talk him down' bullshit. Your H isn't standing on a ledge - metaphorical or otherwise. Has he lost control, or is he putting on a performance? I think we can guess the answer....

HermioneE Sun 18-Nov-12 09:38:18

Yesterday he was "broken" sobbing and saying he wanted to die. He came back last night and was back to his old self. How can anyone make that kind of transformation?

He can do it because look how well it's worked. Lots of attention from professionals and you, and no negative consequences for him to deal with. You're still there, he's still there, your DC are still there, and he doesn't even have a follow up appointment to worry about yet.

I don't have any suggestions to offer I'm afraid, but that sentence of yours just cried out to me that you're not yet seeing how manipulative he's being.

Best of luck OP, sounds like the sooner you can leave the better.

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