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Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

(160 Posts)
toomanydaisies Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:07

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:09:10

i dont see the big deal about walking away and muttering that the person you were arguing with was some sort of unpleasant swear word under your breath.
Havent we all done it??

Maybe she was being a cunt?

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:12:06

Exactly Cabbageleaves.
HappyGirl, a man who calls a woman a cunt, even if he's nice the rest of the time ( which is highly doubtful) , is an abusive man who doesn't respect women.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:14:06

Everyone is fixating on the word instead of reading the intent of the man saying it , <bangs head on keyboard> there is only one reason a man says it to his partner.

AnnaFurLact1c Sat 17-Nov-12 15:14:18

At last..some sense on the thread.

I seriously wonder about some folk...

For a man to call his wife a cunt...well, it's kind of indicative that he is an abusive man. But if it makes some of you feel better to rationalise it as 'just a word' and 'maybe she was being a cunt .. ' well, go right ahead. Or maybe attempt to educate yourself a little better and raise your self esteem.

BulletProofMum Sat 17-Nov-12 15:16:19

Dh called me that recently. Now separating.

It was in front of the children too

BulletProofMum Sat 17-Nov-12 15:16:56

Dh is not abusive... Just a c@nt ;-)

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:23:40

grin at anna -I haven't once said name calling is ok, but it is just a word like any other . Try educating yourself and stop giving it so much power.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:24:16

is he being abusive if he calls her a twat, or a wally, or a meanie, or a bitch?

is it just the word cunt thats abusive?

Is a woman being abusive when she calls him a pig or a cock?

In my opinion, the word abusive can be overused to an extent it loses all meaning.
When we shout or argue with a partner we are already abusing each other. Fact. Its never ok to make someone feel bad, but we all do it to each other all the time. Its a side effect of living with other people and complex relationships. Theres always going to be a certain amount of compromise and a certain amount of conflict.
If hes calling her names and shes upset by it, then they need to sort it out. Not just assuming that shes a victim and hes an abuser. Certainly not just by what has been said here, but it sounds like hes upset with her behaviour and vice versa, but we dont know how it all started, so its really impossible to jump to conculisoions

AnnaFurLact1c Sat 17-Nov-12 15:26:35

And that's just fine Happy.... you can allow your dh to call you a cunt if you so wish and rationalise it and minimise it... after all, it's just a word. I choose to be with a man who'd never dream of saying it.

Horses for courses. And this thread has been an education for me... so many women who shrug and think it's no biggie because they've been brainwashed into thinking 'it's just another word like 'dafty' or 'silly billy ' eh....

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:28:25

Well said strumpet grin

drizzlecake Sat 17-Nov-12 15:30:47

It's the tone in which is was used imo which matters.

Though a bit strong.

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 15:33:25

Really strumpet? You need someone to tell you which of those words you should accept being called by the person who is supposed to love you? Would you call your children any of those?

Abusive behaviour is not recognised or identified enough.

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:33:51

Once again, grin at Anna , how very presumptuous. Actually, my fiancée has never called me a name and I've never called him one. If I saw a pattern of that emerging I would address it and if it didn't stop I would end the relationship. But I wouldn't end it after one instance, not would I end it because he used the word cunt in particular.. I'm a big girl grin

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:36:52

Abigail adams. Without knowing how the argument started, what it was about, how it went, and the backstory behind it, im very reluctant to label a guy an abuser for muttering the word cunt under his breath AFTER an argument.
It sounds like whatever they meant to sort out, wasnt sorted out at all, and hes left feeling still pissed off.

I wouldnt like it. I dont fight like that, but if you would shout ABUSER about that without knowing any other details, then id say that you were being a bit hysterical

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 15:42:15

"hysterical" hmm.

Just another word I suppose?

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 15:44:49

Words have meanings, history and context. You choosing to ignore that doesn't eradicate it.

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:46:53

Yes just another word grin unless you have a bunch of people over thinking and allotting it more power than it actually has..

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:47:35

It means female genitalia and I rather like mine.. grin

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:51:14

In this particular scenario, where an angry man is calling his wife a cunt, it is verbal/emotional abuse underlined by a misogynistic attitude - it is the worst thing a man can call a woman (along with whore) and if men don't understand that then they need educating as to the reason why, only men who hate and despise women would call a woman a cunt. The only thing I can think of as comparable in reverse is if a woman called her husband a paedophile or a rapist when she was angry with him.

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 15:57:54

Lots of words used as an insult are female genitalia. It isn't a coincidence.

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:59:28

And you know that's his underlying thoughts and emotions do you? I hmm don't think so! Who put you inside his head?? Maybe he calls anyone who's annoyed him a cunt and its nothing at all to do with her being a woman?
Really, must be fantastic being able to mind read...

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 16:01:01

HappyGirl, you would do well to read up on abusive men.
If all the word cunt meant ( in the context of a man calling a woman) was vagina, I wouldn't be remotely upset , it's simply the fact that men who call women cunts regard them as lesser human beings, it's meant as the ultimate putdown.
Calling a man a "cock" isn't abusive because there is no innate hatred behind it.
Insults that involve calling people by a female name (usually genitalia related) , are hugely woman-hating, always inferring that anything do with being a woman is inferior by default.

FiercePanda Sat 17-Nov-12 16:01:14

If my DP called me a cunt/bitch/fucking XYorZ, it would be a pretty clear indication of his contempt and utter lack of respect for me. He'd be binned, no exceptions.

I feel sorry for anyone, male or female, who tries to rationalise things like this as "it was one time", "everyone swears", or "it's just a word". It's nothing to do with the word or swearing, it's an example of him/her showing just how little he thinks of you, and how comfortable he is in showing it because he knows you won't stand up for yourself. That's why I won't tolerate any kind of name-calling, and if having some self-esteem makes me "prim", "boring" or "old fashioned", so be it (although I think it's pretty desperate that being unwilling to stand for being called names is considered "prim".)

AbigailAdams Sat 17-Nov-12 16:04:57

Yy to Bela and FiercePanda.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 16:05:33

HappyGirl, are you being deliberately dense?
Only a particular type of man deliberately calls his wife a cunt, no matter of it's a word in his general vocabulary or not. If he doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't understand the inferrance, then he must be really really stupid.

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