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Do I tell my "friend" how upset and offended I am after her little dinner party or just ignore her?

(75 Posts)
CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 17:58:18

Ok will try not to ramble as it has been a highly emotional couple of weeks and I want to make sense.

I have known a lady, lets call her Nikki for a few years through DD nursery school. Not a heart to heart friendship more of a drinks, nights out and occasional dinners. She always seemed nice enough with a bit of an edge to her, says what she means quite bluntly but that never really bothered me. English is not her first language so I just put it down to a cultural difference. She has a great sense of humor and fun.
Anyway she invited me to drinks / buffet dinner at her place a few weeks back which I said I would go although DH could not make it. When I turned up there were just couples present, very cold, quiet people not at all warm to me and I felt oh dear may have misjudged this one will just stay for a few and leave.
That was the plan. Nikki and her DH were friendly enough but not overly so and he made me these ridiculously strong cocktails I was struggling to drink but I ended up drinking more than I wanted to as it was relaxing me in this situation.
Towards the end of the night Nikki was making really catty comments, referring to friends of mine she had met when at my place at a party I held in Summer - saying they were "mad" and "strange". They had been nothing but nice to her actually, unlike her friends to me! Her and her DH had a bit of a joke about one of my friends expense. I had the feeling I just wanted to go so I went to call a cab. By this point the room was spinning after these dreadful cocktails.
The last thing I remember about the night was one of her friends Husbands making a really personal comment about my physical appearance (one which really cuts to the bone as I know it is not my best feature), Nikki actually stifled a laugh I remember that really clearly. Then I just got up and left I don't think I said goodbye as such.

This triggered a horrific anxiety attack for me for about a week. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I was so mad at myself for drinking too much and putting myself in this position where someone could hurt me. My councillor always says move out of your comfort zone and I did and I got badly burnt. I then deleted her from my phone and the dreaded FB as I found the whole thing really triggering.
Then DD got admitted to Hospital, she suffers from a condition which flares up and it potentially very serious. I have been v worried and stressed with this as you can imagine.
DD is better and improving but the stress levels are off the scale.
Nikki text me 2 days ago. She asked if she could call me. I replied v brief that I am in hospital with DD. She then asked me to call her and wished that all was well.
I am certainly not going to call. I was a wreck after that party. But I wonder if I should send her a passing message or if she does contact me again if I should explain that I don't enjoy being invited to someone's house to be insulted. I really don't want her friendship. I can't risk it. But I am not sure if I should just let it go or what.

Thank you for reading this essay, would appreciate some advice.

Mintyy Fri 16-Nov-12 18:00:49

Is it at all possible that the drink was clouding your judgement?

merlottits Fri 16-Nov-12 18:03:19

I know the right thing to do is explain that she was mean etc. but I would actually take the cowards way out and just blank her from now on.

What a cow.

ObiWan Fri 16-Nov-12 18:04:52

On the basis of what you've written, it sounds as though you are over reacting hugely.

You and your friend seem to have have different ideas about what consitutes a good evening, but unless the dinner party guest said that you were the ugliest person they'd ever come across, I really think that your own issues are clouding your judgment.

Spero Fri 16-Nov-12 18:05:28

If you don't want to rescue the friendship, I don't see any point in confronting her or explaining. Just dont call her back.

From what you have said about your anxiety I think there is at least a possibility that you have overreacted to what happened - if she was as cruel and unpleasant as this makes her sound, I am surprised it has taken years to surface.

But I has obviously caused you a lot of stress and made you unhappy so as she isn't a family member or a longstanding friend I would just let it go.

Even before you felt the effect of the drink and the comment about your appearance, sorry, but she sounds like a bitch, as do her friends. You don't need people like that in your life. I have been there, as in had 'friends' like that, and I felt so much better when I stopped seeing them.

SoleSource Fri 16-Nov-12 18:08:11

Ditch the gucking useless bitch. Usong you to boost her own sense of self worth is not.on. Is she racist?

WhoNickedMyName Fri 16-Nov-12 18:08:36

I dunno, this all sounds a bit wierd and I'm struggling to see what exactly your friend did wrong to be honest.

People being "not at all warm" to you, and your friend and her DH being "friendly enough but not overly so" is all about your perception. And she has texted and tried to call you since then.

But really, if it causes you that much anxiety then yes, end the friendship. I'd do it by fobbing her off and being really "busy" until she gets the message, because like I said, I really can't see what she did that was so wrong with regards to the dinner party.

fourbears Fri 16-Nov-12 18:09:42

I would trust your instinct and stay well clear of her. She probably feels bad and wants to make herself feel better by smoothing things over. I'm pretty sure this would not go as far as an actual apology though. Look after yourself and do whatever you need to get over this. You sound lovely and she and her friends sound awful. I hope your DD feels better soon.

Mintyy Fri 16-Nov-12 18:11:03

Some of the posts on this thread seem a little knee-jerk if I may say so hmm.

Trouble is, op, we can't really comment on your evening because we didn't witness at first hand what went on.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:13:32

I remember for sure the man's comment, it was really what I would call bitchy and nasty she stifled a laugh and then the man looked embarrassed and went quiet. I had only been introduced to him that evening. If someone had said that to her in a reverse situation I would have felt awful tbh not laughed.
My gut feeling is she was going to apologise or something along that line as we never really just chat on the phone and both messages were "can I call you.." like she had something to say.
I don't want to speak to her I really don't.

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 18:15:22

I really think you took the wrong end of the stick, felt uncomfortable because you was the only one on your own and didn't feel particularly welcome, maybe her friends were twunts maybe they weren't. The thing is, if you were room spinningly drunk there is a good chance that they were pretty pissed too. I would let it go, give her a ring and find out what she wants - you never know, she may have picked up that you were feeling uncomfortable and wanted to apologise.

Are you on any medication for your depression? I think you are being really hard on yourself and automatically assumed that they woudllnt like you.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 16-Nov-12 18:17:00

What did he say exactly if you don't mind me asking? Could it have been a drunk/mistimed joke?

I'm with mintyy so far

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:17:13

Thanks for your thoughts. I am reading and it's really helpful to see some other perspectives smile

MooncupGoddess Fri 16-Nov-12 18:17:20

Strong cocktails can often make people behave like twats - it may well be that she woke up feeling guilty and wants to make amends.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 18:17:50

I would let her call you. She obviously wants to talk to you, probably about the party.

How you choose to react to what she has to say is entirely up to you.

It sounds like a lot of alcohol was involved in her party night and sometimes people can say some really off things in that sort of situation.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:18:05

It would totally out me if I posted what he said. I really wish I could.

RyleDup Fri 16-Nov-12 18:18:23

What did he say op?

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 18:19:38

To be blunt, you have two choices lovely - you either ring her and find out what she wants or ignore her but forget the friendship. This is make or breaktime for you both i think - she will either turn into a really good friend or you'll go your separate ways!

RyleDup Fri 16-Nov-12 18:20:02

Oh sorry. Ok. Its a bit hard to judge, but if you've come away feeling rubbish then theres probably a good reason for that. Why dont you speak to the woman and tell her how you feel. Even if you decide not to see her again, it would still be closure for you.

merlottits Fri 16-Nov-12 18:20:35

I read it that the friend was making catty remarks and then laughed when someone else insulted the OP. Do we have to have been there to find that unnacceptable? Surely all posts have to be taken on face value.

TheProvincialLady Fri 16-Nov-12 18:21:25

You may have been handed strong cocktails but you didn't have to drink them and get drunk. Take responsibility for that.

You didn't enjoy the evening, you found the husband's personal comment on your appearance (and the wife's snigger) rude, which it was. Don't respond to the woman if you don't want her friendship. You don't owe her an explanation. But if you think she wants to apologise you'd be better to let her and then keep her at a distance, rather than avoiding her and it forever being a big issue between you. You can't move on by pretending it never happened and by refusing to face it.

Why not tell her how you felt? It gives her an opportunity to give her side of the story and possibly change her behaviour in the future. Plus it's good for you to be honest about your feelings. There's nothing wrong with having them.

BeatTheClock Fri 16-Nov-12 18:23:09

Oh my poor yousad You are being horribly hard on yourself though. If she throws you off kilter and you are feeling unable to manage her and her (awful soundinghmm) chums then avoid avoid avoid.

Ive come to the conclusion that you only get one life. Protect your wellbeing and be happy. You have a lot on your plate. Who needs to be around people who make life more complicated? I hope your dd is ok.

fourbears Fri 16-Nov-12 18:23:25

You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. That is the right thing to do at the moment. If you want to tell her how you feel, you can do that a later date.

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