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Might this be nice? Or is it wrong?

(83 Posts)
WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 17:04:22

Namechanged for this, as I'm not sure if I am being nice or not.

I've been single for 18mths, dated a bit, but not really clicked with anyone, well, there was one but he was not really interested in a relationship, or seeing me more than every 3 weeks for sex

But, one man, I met on the dating site 6mths ago. He's a lovely man, but I didn't feel the 'I fancy you' spark, so I friendzoned him. We still went out every couple of weeks to see a band or for a drink, he's been to my house (brought his guitar, we had the best night), and I to his lovely clean tidy but bohemian flat.

So the crux of it is, I slept with him last night. I still don't feel that mad insane lust spark, but he is such a lovely, lovely man. And it was great.

He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.

But I like his mind, he's doing a PhD, and we can talk for hours about everything. He likes the same films, music, tv, politics, lifestyle as me, and he really really likes me.

I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon.

He's supposed to be coming over for dinner on Monday (we are both busy til then)

What do I DO?? Help me wise vipers.

bootsycollins Thu 22-Nov-12 22:46:27

Just have to say you both sound gorgeous, he sounds just like one of my best ever boy mates who is recently single and ready to find a new GF. Enjoy yourself he sounds like a keeper!

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 09:50:48

If you were a man and you fucked a woman once then lost interest in her, because having got your rocks off after a bit of dry patch you had decided after all that her tits were a bit small and her bush the wrong shape / colour, that would be fine, and nobody would question him.

So it must be fine for you to do the same. Just say something like "Although I'm dumpy and plain myself, I imagine I deserve better than someone similar, so let's just be friends."

Simples, no?

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Fri 23-Nov-12 15:24:22

^^ hmm

Bit harsh, Apocalypto.

WantSomethingNice Sun 02-Dec-12 23:42:21

Ooh, that was harsh Apocalypto grin But I see your point.

Thought you would like an update: Think I'm in love blush He is wonderful and I can't get enough of him and we are planning our holiday next year.

Thank you for your lovely encouragement and advice x

(we have not been anywhere near a gym either grin )

Ohh, I do love a happy ending! Yay for you both xx

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Dec-12 23:46:39

Oh fabulous! That's warmed my heart, that has thanks

WinklyVersusTheZombies Sun 02-Dec-12 23:49:25

Squeeeeeeeal! So pleased grin

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Dec-12 23:49:26

I think the intense thing is overrated, and rarely ends well. I've always gone for that, but when I met my dp, I didn't get the fluttery thing straight away, and thought it was never going to come. But he is easily the nicest, kindest, most wonderful man I've ever had a relationship with, and I'm so glad I stuck with it, I'm very lucky. Good luck to you both!

AlfalfaMum Mon 03-Dec-12 00:22:15

Aw, he sounds ace.
Lookit, when I first met my DH I thought he wasn't my type (stupid notion this whole 'type' thing - and my type was apparently vain, immature baby-men who wanted me to mother them hmm), but I gradually realised how lovely he was/is and when I eventually pulled him it was fucking amazing smile

DaveMccave Mon 03-Dec-12 01:24:03

Good to hear it's going well.

I was in a very similar situation to you a year a go. They guy was 15 years older than me, bit of a beer belly, curly hair, completely grey. The night I met him I didn't fancy him in the slightest and only took his number so he could let me know about gigs coming up. Ended up texting him casually occasionally and discovered he had radical political opinions I admired, that he was very intelligent and a really nice bloke. Next time I saw him at a gig I was really really drunk and ended up kissing him. I agreed to meet him a couple of weeks later and arranged to stay at his as it was too difficult to get home... and one thing lead to another.

I decided as I had such a good time in bed, it wouldn't do any harm trying it out a few more times times, casually of course...and here I am a year later and very much in love smile . Apart from finding the sex great, I didn't really fancy him in the same way as other blokes, but I did have strong feelings that have grown slowly. Definitely a slow burner but feel so much more real than my previous relationships. I was paranoid in the early days my feelings wouldn't grow but they did.

In my experience, if you really don't fancy someones looks, but you still fancy them enough to have sex with them and kiss them then you've struck gold. I've e had the strong early butterflies with exes and it masked all their hideous flaws, plus you don't really consider their looks once you've been with them for a while, once they fart in front of you and tell you about their bowel movements etc I was a tiny bit paranoid about what people might think I'll be honest, but all anyone ever said was 'Oh, he's SUCH a nice guy..I'm so pleased your together'.

One thing I will say though, is I did take it very slowly. Apart from the sex I mean, we had LOTS of sex at first (and still do wink ) but I didn't introduce him to my DD for a long time, and I always stayed at his and didn't let invite him to my house for a long time because of personal hang ups and I didn't tell him I loved him for 8 months even though I knew it before then. I think he just sensed that, and never pushed me. He sounds like a great guy, and if you tell him you want to take it slow I'm sure he'll be very accommodating. Enjoy!

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 02:00:20

What a lovely update WantSomethingNice. grin I'd rather be with someone I can be happy spending all my time with and look forward to seeing all the time, than a pretty face who's hot in the sack.

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Mon 03-Dec-12 02:52:56

Great!

I think it can be hard, after going out with an utter knob end, to take the change of pace and complete difference in approach that a good man brings to the table.

I had a bastard and was pretty much weaned on the high drama and 'intensity' diet by the parents. It's all bullshit.

I met my DH and he was quite stand offish and reserved - I had to work with him for a day- and he was kind and funny and good with everyone but me. I had a little huff to myself and we went our separate ways. 2 weeks later he phoned to tell me he couldn't stop thinking about me, I'd quite literally striken him speechless and would I please go on a date with him, please, thank you. It was surprising and I did go but it took a while for me to realise that I had butterflies in my tummy and what that meant instead of the great intense highs and angst ridden lows that mark the courtship of a beautiful bastard. He was honest about what he felt, I didn't know how to feel about that - I was used to cat and mouse and being played with. It felt a bit much actually because he wasn't trying to catch me just laid out his stall and left it up to me to choose.

He is the most amazing man, I think he is the most beautiful person in the world. Even now I can wake up and see him there and catch myself getting all doe eyed. But to everyone else we're an odd couple, I'm a foot and a bit taller than him, he's short, hairy, scruffy and not at all pretty. But he has a depth and wit that is staggering, he is kind and respectful and adores me (and I him). He's funny and strong and his weaknesses are far outweighed by his good points. He's the best father I've ever seen (biased much!).

I could have walked away. I'm so glad I didn't. I hope you will feel the same, it's a good place to be.

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Mon 03-Dec-12 02:57:57

Oh, it's been just over 10 years btw.

Lavenderhoney Mon 03-Dec-12 03:30:30

Wnatsomethingnice, that's lovely newssmile

Haven't been near a gym smile. Tbh I woud never go to a gym with a partner- too sweatysmile

FellatioNelson Mon 03-Dec-12 03:47:43

I am struggling to see what the problem is. You say he's short and fat but then so are you, and you are not a body fascist. You say the sex was great and lovely and you want to do it again. You say he's kind and sweet and intelligent and interesting. You really enjoy his company. But you still don't think you can have relationship with him? confused

What is it you want exactly?

I think you've become so accustomed to thinking that the perfect man must be an unobtainable one who is slightly out of your league that you don't know how to behave in a fledging relationship where you can call the shots and you are not left always wondering 'will he phone?' and 'does he like me or am I just a plaything?'

Either there is a meeting of minds but the sex is crap, or the sex is smoking but he's an arse. Neither applies here. confused

If there really was no spark and no potential then you would not have had a great time in bed. Just relax and see what happens.

I was relentlessly pursued by someone I did not find physically attractive (at first) once. By the time I'd been brainwashed caved into his quite considerable charms I thought he was George Fucking Clooney.

Read the update nelson

WantSomethingNice Mon 03-Dec-12 11:27:12

I think you've become so accustomed to thinking that the perfect man must be an unobtainable one who is slightly out of your league that you don't know how to behave in a fledging relationship where you can call the shots and you are not left always wondering 'will he phone?' and 'does he like me or am I just a plaything?'

You are right fellatio. My marriage was to a pretty vain peacock as described above, who kept me on a string as to whether I was pleasing him or not, and had at least 2 enormous earth shattering dramas a year. This is easy, and there is no angst, so I thought there was something missing. There isn't, is there smile

I am enjoying reading all of your lovely stories, and it's helped me realise that THIS is the normal, not the angsty/drama.

And ABitWobblyNow - yes, I think this is much more the way to do it, but it is quite baffling if you've never had it before confused

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 11:33:35

It's a tough one........... I don't know if a man I am significantly attracted to will ever in the future find me sufficiently attractive to want a relationship with me. Obviously loads of people will chime in here and tell me I'm shallow/looks obsessed/negative/will find love around the corner..........

but realistically I am quite short, although not overweight I am average looking in an average way ........

I don't know. What is the answer here???? the men I find handsome, both physically and for their confidence and personality, I don't think they would see me in that way.

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 11:36:31

Just read the update and i'm delighted for you

Gay40 Mon 03-Dec-12 13:55:45

Not me, but a friend had two dates with two men: one younger, gorgeous, confident, gym bunny; one older, slight guy how she found physically a bit :::::
I said date them both. Well, Mr Younger was self-obsessed and completely dull. Mr Not Very Attractive had travelled the world and wanted to see more of it, liked art and books and most importantly, wanted to know what she liked.
Needless to say she now finds him the most attractive man on earth and they have a baby. (They are very well suited.)
Spark manifests itself in different ways.

FellatioNelson Mon 03-Dec-12 14:41:35

Oh I see. It was an old thread updated. I should have read it all shouldn't I? grin

So happy that it's working out for you. He sounds lovely.

jen127 Mon 03-Dec-12 16:18:45

Been there too! married and divorced and newly single. My friend was meeting someone she had met off the net and I went along in case he was dodgy! ( he was! ) he brought his pal who was 9 years older than me ( I was a young 29 ).
He had a DD, he was way too old and a little bit plump. There was nothing attractive about him at all!
We spent the weekend hanging around together but there was no romance whatsoever.
Roll forward 10 months later and the friend met up with Mr dodgy once again ( they continued to date) and I went along as she was bring her DD's.
I spent the weekend with Dh , ended up in bed together, moved in together 6 months later ( which meant me moving 8 hours drive from home), married within the year and DS was born the following year. That was 12 years ago.

AlfalfaMum Mon 03-Dec-12 18:58:48

So we're all agreed that very good looking men are rubbish, then wink grin

Ok, that was tongue in cheek, but there is a bit of a theme no? I wonder what it is, do they get all conceited from lots of girls fancying them, and decide they must be gods gift to womankind, and never need to actually make an effort?

DD1's dad thought he was amazing, he actually used to look in the mirror and say "I'm a fucking Adonis" hmm. He was a crap partner, and had an affair when she was a newborn then left.

WantSomethingNice Tue 04-Dec-12 13:46:57

Thank you Mu1berries smile I'm sure you will find someone lovey eventually, they do seem to actually exist! I'm as shock about this as anyone!

AlfalfaMum Sorry your 'Adonis' was crap too sad I saw my ex in our bathroom on our honeymoon 'admiring' himself before coming to bed, because of the bedroom/bathroom mirror situation. The bit of me that didn't think it was hysterical died slightly.

"good looking men are rubbish" <-- grin

Gay40 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:54:08

On the flip side I've found that quite a lot of very good looking and know it women are crap in bed.
The most attractive people I find are those who are good looking and don't know it, and those who don't really care whether other people find them good looking or not.

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