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2 years of counselling - it's working

(27 Posts)
DowntonAbbess Fri 16-Nov-12 15:32:24

Don't want to go into details, but I was really impressed with myself last night. Found out a close friend had been lying to me (again) and let rip. Firstly in the garden, and then down the phone to the friend.

(There's far more to this than the lying, the lies were just the straw that broke the camel's back.)

I know this sounds a bizarre thing to be so happy about, but up to now I would bottle anything like this up and turn the anger in on myself. Last night I found myself pacing the house, kicking the furniture and shouting out loud. I was on my own, so no-one heard other than my 'friend' who refused to listen to more for more than 30 seconds.

I don't know where me and this friend go from here. I think he's finally got the message I'm not happy! But I'm just so chuffed that I was able to let it out.

QuiteQuiet Wed 21-Nov-12 16:53:02

Oh I don't know, I don't what is appropriate anger and what isn't anymore grin

I was a little tiny big angry recently, so, not big long sentences just a note as the person who I wanted to see wasn't it. So the note went like this.

Dear perma-tanned person,

I just knocked at your door and you are not in (which is quite good for you if I am honest) and I am angry. I witnessed your child at my car last night so decided to walk the dog and see what was happening, it was dark, and your child ran off....vanished.

I came out today and my car looks like it has been mud-wrestling overnight. I am generally not a fan of going round attacking children and neighbours as I know my children are not angelic and I have no idea what they get up to when out of sight.

However, today this has annoyed me, so we have two options here, you can come and see me and shout and me and I promise to shout a mouthful of abuse back at you, then I will come in and call the police as your children chased my eldest last week so much so that he couldn't even get home (I said nothing -like I say children will be children) but I am midly pissed off today.

OR

You can send you child round after school with some water and he can clean my muddy car.

Thank you, I would have sent you a message via Facebook but have decided to take myself off the 'I like to share every little detail of my life with everyone site.

Regards,

Quiet

(The person you wave at from your car but ignore in street)

See at the time this seemed fine but now I am over-thinking my anger and my sarcasm.
confused

DowntonAbbess Wed 21-Nov-12 14:18:20

Am glad this thread is still going, and proving useful.

QuiteQuiet Why did your therapist say that conversation was inappropriate? I see nothing wrong with what you said.

I let myself down a little at the weekend. Friend who I yelled at last week on the phone came round. For the 4th time in about 6 weeks he did the same thing to piss me off. I wanted to shout at him but I held myself back. In a way I had no reason to complain, he's his own person free to do what he likes. But when you have a long-standing agreement that something is going to happen and the other person involves starts turning up late / not at all I call that disrespect. I muttered a wee bit under my breath instead.

But, I did send him a very long letter, full of my anger and hurt. I think he has the message. For now. We managed to have a civilised, sober conversation about things and whilst I'm not sure I trust him enough to fully believe him I'm calmer. Which is good.

QuiteQuiet Tue 20-Nov-12 20:30:20

Lottapianos

If I am honest, I feel a bit embarrassed at first. Then I feel better. I lose my anger and look back at some of things that come out of my crazyoid head and laugh, it is normal to feel guilty, you would be 'a few chromosomes short of human' if you didn't wink

Sorry about all the random z here and there my American Dictionary has a lot to answer for.....

I done something last week and am still a little embarrassed by it, see a mum, a few doors down shouted at my child...angry

So this Mum, does not generally pick on children she 'gets the parents' hmm

So, I left my child who is far from perfect for 5 minutes to go the local shop, came back, to hear 'shut yur trap' (Scottish)

Indeed it was 'the hard-ass Mums partner' by the time I managed to STOMP outside he was in his shed, so I shouted down...3 gardens away blush

'Who thought it was a good idea to pick on my 8 year old?'

A child answered 'my step-dad charlie'

Me: Can you get Charlie out of his shed please?

Charlie popped his head out.

Me: In future if you feel the need to shout 'shut yer trap' you may wish to try me, see shouting at 8 year old is not my style and you will get a much better answer from an ADULT like me.....

Charlie ran back into his shed.

So I was still overly angry, so decided to attack a box via a recycling bin whilst glaring at 'the house', then the Mum who likes to beat up 'the parents' popped her head out her door, seen my face and ran back in blush grin

So I felt good at the time, angry but good, then the guilt set in.....

I had Therapy the next day and asked her about this conversation, she said it was 'inappropriate' sad So apparently I know need to work on my anger issues.

I can honestly say I have never felt anger like I do just now, it is not with me all the time, it just comes over me, like a black cloud. I have had some dark thought, such as smashing into someone car....(I have an airbag) Thankfully a rational thought usually backs that thought up with 'don't be stupid woman you will kill yourself', so I have had to remove my car from myself until I get past the 'dark thought'.

It's normal to feel what you feel, just let it ALL out and deal with it, break it all down and talk it all out, I actually threatened to rip some men apart limb by limb last week in group Therapy, thankfully that has finished as I think I was beginning to scare the other Women, I wasn't like this until I started Group Counselling, my body has been taken over by a very overly happy/angry/crying/panic attack/flashbacks/night-terrors person. grin (who sometimes has so many thoughts she talks to herself) blush

Apparently it is post traumatic stress disorder?? I don't know, better than thinking 'Oh dear I may be heading for the hospital with the men in white coats'.

Stick with it, all normal imo!! smile

Lottapianos Tue 20-Nov-12 18:52:25

Thanks QuiteQuiet smile Sounding off on MN is very therapeutic and it helps so much to know that other people go through the same stuff. Mental health issues/stress/anxiety/depression (whatever you prefer to call it) are so isolating.

QuiteQuiet, I gave myself a severe bollocking yesterday too - said out loud all of the dreadful things I think about myself. It was bloody horrible but I actually felt relieved afterwards because Ive been feeling this way for donkey's years but have always kept a very tight lid on it. How do you feel now you have given words to how you feel?

QuiteQuiet Tue 20-Nov-12 18:50:13

One last rant and I'm off for dog STOMP!!!

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, pinguid, and Generally Not Good.

My name reflects my true personality. [honest]

QuiteQuiet Tue 20-Nov-12 18:35:41

I feel a little like this today..... Someone is very stupid!!!

It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh.

QuiteQuiet Tue 20-Nov-12 18:15:21

Lottapianos Let it out here if you wish, it only gets deleted if someone reports it? I promise I won't grin

You must get the anger out to move on and control it, I think. Will shout at my Therapist next week about THAT.

Stupid image of a female, with her hard-ass chairs guaranteed to give you back-ache in one hour, I want a COUCH/BED like the movies. angry

Stupid cretin, I wonder is she is a few qualifications short of a Therapist?

QuiteQuiet Tue 20-Nov-12 17:09:59

Downtown thank you I am fine, I just wish someone would... erm, leave me alone or take a overdose of nastiness and turn into .... Christmas Tree.

Can you tell I am all angered out today ? grin

Dc are also fine, never going back to that place ever ever again, that night was my longest in a while, I had to leave the thread and change the name, to try remove it but lets just say in-laws will see DC for lunch, park etc all within my walking distance. smile No more sleep-overs, ever. Those pair are worse than a paper-cut, worse than carrot fuelled vomit, worse a dog shit after the dog has had a full Sunday lunch leftover, headlice are better than them, may their life be full of rain beetles, worms, and spikey tarantula, they created a monster, who should have been killed at birth. oops!

Wow I am on a good day here [promise]

I have nee-naws driving past 10 times per day, I feel safe smile

Lottapianos Tue 20-Nov-12 16:52:58

Also feeling very angry today, lots of feelings coming up in therapy which I have never been allowed to feel. I didn't go to work today - I spent time this afternoon shouting at my parents (pretended they were in the room) and telling them I hate them. It was horrible and very upsetting but I feel so much calmer now. Absolutely agree that girls and women are not 'supposed' to get angry which sets us up for lots of emotional confusion and upset

DowntonAbbess Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:29

I'd have the same problem as Twitter. I'd start trying to call someone a walking vomit and end up with the giggles. I suppose it would break the tension, but perhaps not what I really need when all I want is to scream at someone. Plus I think I'd end up being taken less seriously than I am at the moment!

Wanker - are you ok? I was reading a thread of yours the other day and was worried about you.

QuiteQuiet Mon 19-Nov-12 20:47:37

Oh that wankeralla person who hasnowchangedhername cannot say half of what she types at people wink

Very amusing when reading back, when not in an angry mood..... no idea where it all comes from blush

Twitterqueen Mon 19-Nov-12 17:26:44

Trouble is Wankarella, I'm finding your post very funny, and if I try to remember it when I'm next angry I may end up laughing instead...

I think my favourite is "You have all the appeal of paper cut" that's really sharp....

I'd worry about saying putrescent wrong...

Fantastic tips though. thanks! wine

Wankarella Sat 17-Nov-12 12:15:03

So, here is todays feelings over someone......

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell?

You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late.

Normal??? blush

A tip for counselling, make room for a sleep, I get very tired after counselling

DowntonAbbess Fri 16-Nov-12 22:04:42

Good luck Clare. Amd I'm v pleased this has helped. I started it selfishly to acknowledge what I'd done as it was a great achievement and I wanted to show off! But it's good that it's turned into a useful thread.

TQ: I am so with you there. For years I've wanted to have a screaming match with someone and not been able to. Now I have and it feels good! May aim to have the opponant in the same room next time, though starting on the phone is good as there's always the option of putting the phone down if things get too much! I hope to hear you shouting back at your daughters one of these days!

ClareMarriott Fri 16-Nov-12 20:23:30

What a great thread !!! I'm starting some counselling soon and a lot of it will be to do with not saying what I mean and bottling it up so...............

Twitterqueen Fri 16-Nov-12 17:15:16

Philosphical point: as women, we're all (sweeping generalisation, but true anyway) brought up to behave nicely, calmly, not to respond, don't shout, don't argue, don't disagree with your elders and betters, how rude you are! etc etc.

Is it any wonder that 99% (totally unfounded guess) of the female population find it impossible to be assertive or to get angry? I'm really angry that I've never been allowed to be angry - I remember my father once described me on a school exchange form as 'passive' and being really pissed off about it, but totally unable to express it or to tell him why I was passive.

I'm telling my 3 teenage girls that we all need to get angry sometimes. that it's ok to shout and yell. That sometimes it's the only way to get heard. And I actually welcome my girls yelling at me sometimes - I never, ever did it as a child and I think I should have done, and also that my girls are right to do it now. (Though I need to work on not being passive when they shout because I secretly approve - I have to learn to shout back!)

DowntonAbbess Fri 16-Nov-12 17:04:13

And here was I feeling proud of myself for yelling out things like "you f-ing bastard" and "you stupid bug*er"!

I shall memorise your lot and put them to good use the next time the need arises (if I can keep a straight face at the time!)

Thanks

Wankarella Fri 16-Nov-12 16:49:22

Oh I couldn't we get very angry! grin (sorry about the name its those naughty fuckers on the sweary thread they warp my mind in a good way).

My lines usually resemble, so you think your are fucked up? I think I could make you 50 shades more fucked up, your are vile, repulsive, your parents killed themselves after you were born, when they realised what they had brought into the world, you are too good for this world, you are too good for hell, you are ass-wipe, in fact an ass-wipe is too good for you, you are a maggot and worm, a few chromosomes short of a human..... and did I mentioned you smell like fish dump!

I think I best just stop right now grin

DowntonAbbess Fri 16-Nov-12 16:41:02

Fancy educating me, Wankarella? I'm sadly lacking in that area!

Wankarella Fri 16-Nov-12 16:19:12

I think anger can be good if controlled, I don't believe in 'anger management' I mean how do you manage anger? I do believe we can control our anger, sadly I have no control of mine right now, I find stomping around with my dog on long walks helps, even if in my head I am shouting at people, someday I think 'OMG where did THAT come from' some days I just wake up angry. I have a another forum I visit and a few people there have anger issues...can be good fun if we are all on an angry day! grin I learn lots of new words. blush

DowntonAbbess Fri 16-Nov-12 16:00:05

Thanks everyone. Today has been a good day, which is surprising seeing how horrible last night was. But I seem to have got a sense of self from somewhere and am doing my damnedest to protect it, and not everyone else for a change. I think it was the "Respect yourself" thread from yesterday which started this revolution. That, plus the pile of sh*te that landed in my lap yesterday.

I feel sorry for the friend in question. I don't think he knew what had hit him. Or why!

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Nov-12 15:51:06

Funnily enough, there's a thread which at the moment is listed right above this one, about a fellow who is letting his anger out rather too much. But the difference is that his is inappropriate. He seems to be on the lookout for an excuse to manufacture a fight. Being able to voice legitimate anger is another matter entirely. If it was good enough for Jesus to get furious and throw people out of temples it should certainly be good enough for you!

LemonDrizzled Fri 16-Nov-12 15:48:00

Well done DA and keep working at it! I did two years of therapy from the other direction, working on understanding why I was so angry all the time and learning to let it out in small gentle gusts not huge roaring blasts. The message that "Nice girls don't get angry" really messes us up!

Wankarella Fri 16-Nov-12 15:46:07

Anger can be good. I have a bit right now, apparently I have post traumatic stress disorder which is good, at least I know where my anger comes from.

I impressed myself last week, a man shouted @ my child (8) 'shut your trap up' then I came back from the shop my 8 year old told me.

I shouted 'Excuse me, next time you feel the need to shout, try an adult like me, you may get a better f@cking answer, stop picking on the children', so the wife, who is known to be very very hard hmm walked out, she seen me ripping up a box and bashing my recycling, she ran into her house, the man hid in shed. grin

Get it all out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 15:39:19

Well done. People always look quizzically at me when I tell them that finding a bit of anger and letting rip is a good thing.. focuses the mind. 'No no!' they tell me 'anger is a bad thing!!!' So I'm glad you've found your voice. Warn you however, once you've broken that dam you'll never want to keep quiet again... ROAR!!!

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