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My perfect DH has just

(59 Posts)
wavesandsneezes Fri 16-Nov-12 00:50:33

Totally freaked me out. Started necking bottles of wine and saying that he had disappeared and the whispering voices wanted him to drink more. I grabbed the bottles I could find and he tried to wrestle them off me. Finally he took himself to bed and I came to check on him. He said he was going to be sick so I grabbed the nearest thing which was the cats litter tray. All cleaned up now, but I am so very sad. I feel like I have just seen him become every man i was so pleased to escape, and that my perfect DH has a monster inside him.

TakingTheStairs Thu 22-Nov-12 16:54:29

Hi waves, I'm so glad you guys have been able to re-focus as a family over the weekend. I do think (If you don't mind me saying) that especially with any new people that will be coming into your life that you need to make sure he gets some support. And you make sure you're happy and feeling supported too. You shouldn't have to carry this on your own
xx

Offred Thu 22-Nov-12 09:31:20

I think it needs to come from him and not you. By all means help him with any effort he is making but he needs to sort this problem out himself. I do think it isn't really good enough that he won't go to the GP - that is weakness not strength.

wavesandsneezes Wed 21-Nov-12 13:09:26

Thanks all for your support - and offred I can hugely relate to what you are saying. My DH wants to be wonderful for us, when I seem him as wonderful just for being him. I just want to love him, and for him to accept that I love him for who he is, not what he does/can do/will do.

We spent the weekend doing virtually nothing on the house, and just being together as a family which has helped. He hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since last Thursday and is quite determined to stay that way as we both recognise that alcohol can kind of trigger an intensity of emotion and the like. I think he is reluctant to see a GP as he is a typically "strong" man. However, I am keen to ensure that this doesn't get swept under the carpet - for his sake, my sake, and that of our DCs.

As a very basic starting point though, we have planned out exactly what we are going to do to the house rather than worrying that everything has to be done right away - which we have neither the time nor money to do in any case.

Anyway, everything has been much calmer and happier, but, having been through hell and back with my own and DMs mental health problems, I am aware of the need to get some help with this.

Damash12 Sat 17-Nov-12 01:58:03

Hi really pleased you are ok but like others have said I think this is a stressed/over anxious mind issue that needs help sooner rather than later. I'd ask him to truthfully tell you how bad it's been/is etc and work from there, money, house repairs and anything else can take a back seat to both of your happiness and health. Good luck x

SeymoreInOz Fri 16-Nov-12 21:16:34

I'm with Orchid I don't think you can just brush this under the carpet. He might have necked so much wine to mask the symptoms he was already having. If not then great, but you really need to find out because the worst thing you can do is just hope it will get better. Did you speak to him about the voices he heard etc? If you can, have a really open, honest chat about it, and let him know you won't be shocked, you just want to help.

BigBoPeep Fri 16-Nov-12 18:42:02

hearing voices AFTER gettng drunk isnt too worrying to me - in the days when i used to get ratted, i'd hallucinate and have whole conversations with people that aren't there. my dad did it too.

hearing them BEFORE you get drunk - another matter!

Orchidlady Fri 16-Nov-12 16:25:44

wave if I were you I would have made an appointment for DH, I pretty sure he will not. Sorry to sound harsh but I am talking from experience. Please don't let it slide, people do not hear voices just because they are drunk. Weirdly my DP is a perfectionist, he also lost his parents at a young age. This seems to bother him when life streses him out and then goes into a depression.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Fri 16-Nov-12 16:23:00

Hi waves phew that's a relief! Good that you are talking openly now. How are you feeling? Did you get some rest?

Offred Fri 16-Nov-12 15:40:28

Waves - my dh is a bit like this. He thinks I'm great, I understand what has led him to think I'm so great and it isn't much to do with me - but that's a digression! My dh is like this, tries so hard to be everything to everyone, finds it very hard to cope with, doesn't want to burden me, doesn't know how to not do it, has times when he can't do it anymore and he has reacted in a self-protective way out of desperation that was horrible to me (and undeserved). I don't want to be idolised, I don't want him to be perfect, I want to be loved and I want him to let me love him, when he takes on too much of the burden and he tries to carry more than he can cope with the effect is to increase the burden on me because I'm having to guess what he feels and make up for the times it breaks him, for the sake of his love for me he needs to change this urge to be perfect (and he is). I don't know if you relate to any of that?

homeaway Fri 16-Nov-12 15:19:45

Sounds like you both need a bit of a break, try and have a relaxing weekend and get out and have some fresh air together with the kids. It is amazing how much you can talk about when you walk.

wavesandsneezes Fri 16-Nov-12 15:08:01

Hi kitty , we are very lucky in that we both live within walking distance of our respective offices, so he walked to work as usual which is good. He came home at lunchtime and we had a cup of tea and cuddles and a chat.

We have got a lot of stresses at the moment, but he has vowed to avoid drink completely for now as, whatever the underlying issues, the drink certainly made things spiral out of control.

And offred DH has always idolised me a lot bit, and wants to do everything just right, even the tiling of the bathroom is being done like a complete masterpiece. So yes, I think maybe it has been a bit of a build up. I understand completely where he is coming from as I have had major MH issues in the past, which I have pretty much sorted after YEARS of counselling, therapy etc.

He has promised to speak to his GP next week - he is feeling down about his dad dying - it happened when he was only 17 and was very sudden, and I think it has hit him that his next birthday will represent almost half of his life time without his dad.

MakeIt DH has decided that he will have a night off tiling, and will spend the evening just being with me. He has even said he will be chief tea maker all weekend. Cleaning up his sick was horrible, as was hearing him shout at me the way he did.

Hoping for a more relaxed weekend, with less focus on getting "stuff" done on the house, and being calm and together and having some quality time with the children. And no wine!

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Fri 16-Nov-12 12:39:56

I don't believe anybody is perfect or that any relationship is

I took waves' use of 'perfect' to be a turn of phrase; to illustrate that this is totally out of character rather than a pressured ideal of perfection. Waves mentioned a slight argument earlier on that evening. I don't think she is under any illusion that her husband is without any minor faults but this is a different category.

waves I'm slightly worried about him going to work this morning- did he drive? He couldn't have been competent or legal.

I agree with orchid that this is more than the drink. Sorry, waves.

Orchidlady Fri 16-Nov-12 11:02:02

Wave how unsettling and scarey for you last night. My DP started doing this a couple of years ago and actually had a complete breakdown. He was hearing voices, telling him to do bad things to himself, swiging wine like he was dying of thirst.I think I am a strong person but this really freaked me out. By the sounds of things your DH was scared and was using drink to calm down. He really needs to how serious this is and seek help, it can so spiral out of control, trust me. It is unlikely this is a one off, he may well have been hearing voices before but has not told you. My DP last episode was triggered by a financial crisis. To this day if he gets stressed he will start hearing the voices again but I/we recognise the signs and put coping mechanisms in place.

Offred Fri 16-Nov-12 10:37:45

I mean if he is trying to be perfect all the time...

Offred Fri 16-Nov-12 10:36:20

I don't believe anybody is perfect or that any relationship is, could this be one of the reasons behind the breakdown last night? I'm glad it seems to just have been the drink though.

MakeItALarge Fri 16-Nov-12 09:23:16

Glad things are better this morning wave.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him, first find out if theres any underlying problems and second make it clear you are not impressed with his behaviour and it cannot happen again and he needs to grovel and spoil you for a few days after you cleaned up his sick

Glad you're ok waves, still sounds like her could do with a gp visit though, hearing voices needs to be checked out sad
Hope today isn't to traumatic for you being so tired!

wavesandsneezes Fri 16-Nov-12 08:54:12

Morning all, and thanks for the support last night. DH woke up this morning completely oblivious to what happened last night. With a hangover from hell, although back to "himself" as opposed to "Dave". So, no-one came out last night, and he has gone to work. I still really, really want him to see a doctor because he was just pretty scary last night.

The past few months have been pretty stressful - we moved house and have masses of renovation to do. Sounds pretty trivial, but a mate was meant to plumb in the bathroom, and let DH pick him up from work and then announced half way back that he couldn't do it today actually but cheers for the lift confused So, he was really annoyed about that, as it is the second time he has let us down. And, I've been off work all week with a horrible chest infection, which he reckons made me pretty irritable. We did have a bit of an argument about money - both skint til pay day following the house move and initial expenses. Then he just sort of snapped and I caught him pretty much downing a bottle of wine. We usually have a glass of wine with tea, but this was well out of character.

He doesn't remember anything, the horrible things he said, and has vowed to stop drinking. I don't think that is the answer though, he clearly has a lot of worries at the moment that he needs to find a way to express. We had a little chat this morning before the school run, and I think that he is getting sad about his birthday coming up next month, as it represents almost half a lifetime of being without his dad.

Oh, and I got about 2 hours sleep as I was so worried about him being sick and choking to death so I am shattered. Being ill and sleep deprived is a killer, so hoping to get a bit more sleep this morning.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Fri 16-Nov-12 05:53:05

Just found this thread. Hope you are ok, waves

Can you update at all? Did the doctor call? Gas your husband resurfaced? Did you manage to rest?

Thinking of you.

Damash12 Fri 16-Nov-12 04:10:25

I hope you are ok. I would certainly get help first thing. I am not medically trained but this sounds like some kind of breakdown. Is he under any kind of stress? Can your children go anywhere to stay for a night or two while you get this sorted? Take care of yourself too.

DaveMccave Fri 16-Nov-12 02:55:40

What izzy said.

I am intrigued as to why he drank such a lot of wine, when you say he doesn't normally drink, what triggered the drinking in the first place? Could it be the same thing that has triggered whatever this episode was? It's an awful lot to drink in the middle of the week.

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 02:30:48

Sounds like you should practice that particular distraction therapy on your dh at bedtime - and veto any bedtime drinks grin

If he's sleeping the comatose sleep of the rat-arsed just, there's not a lot of point in getting a medic out to raise one of his eyelids and pronounce him pissed.

I suggest you get back to whatever service you called, tell them there's no need for a call tonight and you'll follow through with his GP tomorrow - and then get yourself some much needed zzzzz's.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 16-Nov-12 02:24:05

TV at bedtime - bad bad BAD habit! They just learn to stay awake longer and longer. TV off at a given time, bit of bedtime reading, then sleep.

<A bit of distraction therapy grin>

wavesandsneezes Fri 16-Nov-12 02:16:05

Still awake and still waiting for the doctor to call. He is on his side ( being a st johns cadet paid off I guess). It sounds so silly but just today I was worrying about tv at bedtime for the Dcs and now this happens. I will let you know what the doc says

boomting Fri 16-Nov-12 02:03:06

It's not normal for that to happen following binge drinking, but alcohol affects everyone in different ways. There's a fair chance that he will wake up tomorrow and be fine, but I agree that a medical professional does need to see him to pass their opinion this evening, because if nothing else he's scared you and it's out of the ordinary. I hope the OOH GP phones soon.

Have you ever seen him this drunk before and have there been any other things that have struck you as 'odd' at all lately?

Finally, I presume he's lying on his side, ideally in the recovery position - otherwise he could choke on his own vomit.

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