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What does your dh/p do for you? How does he make you feel loved?

(66 Posts)
Petershadow Thu 15-Nov-12 10:43:58

had an odd conversation with my counsellor. Get the impression she thinks I have high standards in this respect
So it would be interesting to hear others pov

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Nov-12 21:54:42

I'm not bothered about flowers or presents though, being shown you're loved in other ways is far more important.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Nov-12 21:53:39

I think it does make a difference peters, negativity and pessimism are hard to deal with, and ime, if you're a positive person, the 'other side' is extremely challenging to live with.

Tallulaxx Fri 16-Nov-12 20:55:25

Wish my husband was like this makes me feel really sad as I know my relationship is crap, I get no respect for what I do, I'm expected to do all the housework/childcare and work part time as a nurse so long shifts and this is still not good enough because I don't work enough hours.

Can't remember the last time I got any flowers, oh yes I do I got my car washed instead of flowers last week hmm very romantic. Everything is split even though I work part time.

Have to nag him to give the children attention as he is more bothered going on ebay. I could go on.......

Keep hold of those men Ladies.

Petershadow Fri 16-Nov-12 20:43:54

She didn't actually say my expectations were too high, but she said I did have high expectations, but suggesting this was bound to be the case after discussing how selfless the men in my family are and how much they do without asking or moaning

DH constantly tells me he loves me, he thanks me for everything I do for him.
But I honestly think he does it, because he is trying. because we have talked about how unappreciated I feel, and fair play, he has taken this on board.
I think he is naturally pessimistic. It doesn't come naturally to him
Does this make a difference?

He huffs and puffs and moans a lot about stuff
Sometimes he doesn't see DS during the week, but he doesn't jump up on a Sat morning and enjoy time with him

There's so much more to this, but I can't quite find the words atm!

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Nov-12 19:46:37

He scratches my back every night before I go to sleep, and nibbles his nails so that they're extra scratchy for me.
He runs me lovely baths with candles and music if he knows I'm a bit wound up.

He can make a delicious meal out of anything, and cooks for us all regularly.

He thinks of the most amazing things for gifts, and last Christmas, he made me a treasure trail in the house with brilliant clues that took me hours to solve.

He loves me despite my many flaws, and is always telling me I'm beautiful (I'm not).

He is a genuinely decent, kind, and special man, and I've waited a long time to find him.

Lavenderhoney Fri 16-Nov-12 19:15:28

Does she think you have unrealistic expectations in his doing rather than saying? Do you feel pacified with talk but there is no action, iykwim?

It's not all honeydew, it's mostly just the bread and butter of daily life.

Do you feel the same about your dh, do you do things so he feels cared for and loved, or are you waiting for him? It's give and take, isn't it?

Today dh had cooked and dinner was on the table for me and the dc but he also forgot totally to sort out some personal admin he said he wold take care of, so I just praised the dinner and made a mental note tomorrow we will do the admin. I could have got annoyed as it was urgent, but choose not to. We all make mistakes.

It depends really on if you want to be with them and be happy. You both have a choice to work at it til it's second nature.

Petershadow Fri 16-Nov-12 10:11:06

Mulledwine- if I wrote down all the things dh says, it might look ok. But what he actually does and how I feel is a different matter

GilbGeekette Fri 16-Nov-12 09:36:45

He tells me every day that he loves me
More than that, he shows me.
He rubs my back when I have period pains, with a Lush bar (that I know he doesn't like the smell of) because he know it's the only thing that helps.
He makes awesome cheese on toast (with a secret ingredient!)
He understands about needing more than one handbag (and bought me the one I longed for)
He cried throughout our wedding and had to stop halfway through his speech to hug me.
He adores and understands my teenage DDs (his SDDs) and is a constant cheerleader for them.
He knows that sometimes I want to listen to songs that make me cry and he says nothing and just holds my hand and passes tissues.
He never shouts (but understands that sometimes I do).
He cares about the wider world.
He believes in me and encourages me to follow my dreams (sorry that sounds naff but he does!)
He says that nothing in the world is better than having an evening on the sofa nattering to me.
His love, respect and support made me finally realise that I'm not a crap person.
His love has made me start to believe in myself.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Fri 16-Nov-12 08:11:31

So is this shedding any light on what your counsellor said, Petershadow (if you don't mind my asking)?

SomersetONeil Fri 16-Nov-12 04:39:20

He sound like a keeper, Dave. smile

DaveMccave Fri 16-Nov-12 01:41:41

Boyfriend not partner, but...

Gets up first and makes me coffee every time I stay at his and I'm not up before him for work.
Makes me breakfast in bed, even when I say I'm not hungry he'll leave it on the side and tell me there's no pressure to eat it.
Cooks for me, goes out to veggie deli's to buy me something nice even though he isn't veggie. Recreates soups I've liked when we've been out and surprised me with it.
Buys my favourite beer.
Picks me up when I could get the bus.
Has endless patience for my very high maintenance DD and will play and draw with her for hours and makes up all kinds of games with her.
Knows I don't like bought flowers because they are a waste, they die, and I prefer them in the ground so takes photos of wild ones and sends me them instead.
Sends me photos of the sunset/wildlife/nice things all the time.
Buys me random gifts that don't make me cringe.
Is really affectionate.
Gives good advice.
Texts all the time.
Never raises his voice. When we have a rare disagreement and I start to raise mine he questions me and reminds me to discuss it. I've never experienced anything so calm and it's great for me.
Knows I hate making decisions and doesn't pressure me too but always gives me the option to.
Is super organised (opposite to me) and never complains about being left to book everything and look up timetables and alternative plans etc but is also really laid back and will go along with anything.
Is very generous. We've never counted who owes what, just whoever pays first. Didn't bat an eye lid when I was unexpectedly skint recently and he has to pay for everything, including things for my daughter for a period even though we don't live together.
Never complained about being bored even if we have a rare night in. He's just naturally positive about everything.
Will often remark on something I've mentioned in passing a while a go, that I was worried about, and he's come up with loads of solutions and ideas which shows he listens to what I said and thinks about it.
Is extremely political and opinionated but the most open minded, non judgemental person I've ever discussed anything with.
Just, everything really.

I think this kind of post is really good anti dote to all the stories of abuse that goes on (and that most of use have experienced at some point).

SomersetONeil Thu 15-Nov-12 23:35:05

He left his family and his huge circle of friends on the other side of the world so that I could be close to mine.

He does all the same housework that I do and doesn't need to be nagged or asked or reminded.

He tells me he loves me.

He makes me laugh and cheers me up. Is always able to improve my mood.

He never, ever sulks and doesn't hold grudges. An ex of mine showed me how important this one was. wink

He loves our DC - parents them equally (was a SAHD for a while) and showers them both with kisses. He gets up in the night for them just as much as I do.

He offers to run me baths. He cooks dinner.

He has been a complete rock for me during a difficult time recently, and 100% supported my decisions, even though some of them make life (temporarily) more difficult for us.

He splits weekend lie-ins with me.

ProPerformer Thu 15-Nov-12 23:25:22

Loads of silly little things like getting me chocolate when I'm
'on' and remembering to record my favourite programmes!

The most lovely thing he has done recently though was when I was offered a one off singing lesson with a singer I had admired for a long time (a friend of a friend). I was humming and haing about if I should take up the offer or not as we didn't have much money for the train fare, I probably wouldn't be able to pick DS up from nursery and didn't know anyone else who could......... The moment I mentioned it to him he said "Just go. Don't worry about money or DS we'll sort it."
He was WONDERFUL - in the end my parents paid the train fare for me, but DH booked a day working at home so he was free to pick up DS, helped me sort out my route to get there, put up with my nerves beforehand and listened to me blathering on non stop for a week afterwards about what a great experience it was!!
And all this from an Aspie which makes it all the more special!

he is always keen to talk about nothing with me. And randomly kisses me in coffee shops.

This week, he delayed going to work to shovel up all the dog mess left by local strays at the front of my house. I offered to stay myself and do it, but he said no, it was no bother for him. And meant it.

Petershadow Thu 15-Nov-12 23:08:27

Crying because some of these are lovely, heartwarming
But also because I would like to be able to talk about my dh like this

doyouwantfrieswiththat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:54:39

oh bugger I've just realised I'm with the wrong man.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 15-Nov-12 22:50:21

Tells me me loves me every morning and every night, tells me I am gorgeous, makes it very obvious he still fancies me (as I do him) after 25 years of being married and treats me as a complete equal. We are a real team.

Shodan Thu 15-Nov-12 22:42:10

He gets up with ds2 almost every morning and never complains about being made to sleep on the sofa- even if he's been kicked out of bed to do it. I have insomnia and he has always treated me (and it) with understanding (has never indulged in competitive tiredness).

And sometimes, when I'm waffling on about crap he'll just look at me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and say 'I do love you so much, you know.'

He does lots of other things (which is why his gonads are still in place after forgetting my birthday) but these two sprang to mind immediately.

fishcalledwonder Thu 15-Nov-12 22:30:48

What a lovely thread. might email it to my DH for inspiration

marriedinwhite Thu 15-Nov-12 22:29:18

He trusts me and I trust him and we give each other space.

We also have a cuddle every night and the last thing he says is I love you and the first thing he says is I love you. Not sure I always do.

He doesn't buy me flowers, he doesn't buy me presents (much), he moans a lot and complains about the state of the house, he tells me I've got fat, that I'm going round the eyes, that I'm a pain in the bum, that I'm talking rubbish, that I;ve said the same thing four times, that my children are difficult.

I tell him a lot to stop moaning but he keeps coming home, we still love each other, we know each other inside out and after 25 years if anyone wants to slag him off - *fight, fight, fight* in the words of Harry Hill.

dippyDoohdah Thu 15-Nov-12 22:23:29

wow, after a crap relationship I did not believe these kind of relationships existed!
why making you cry, op?x

Frizzbonce Thu 15-Nov-12 22:22:52

He roars with laughter at my jokes - proper full bellied guffaws.

Tells me he loves me (the telling is important)

Holds my hand in public/strokes me when we're in company (not in a rude way!)

Cooks me such delicious food that I overlook that the kitchen resembles a bombsite afterwards.

Treats his SD with love and tenderness.

Makes me come.

Petershadow Thu 15-Nov-12 21:33:08

Sorry mosschops

These are making me cry.

Autumnchill Thu 15-Nov-12 21:20:00

I was away last night on business up and up at 5am today with a full on physical day on a construction site. I left London at 4pm tonight and drove home, arriving 4 hours later.

He opened the door, got my bags and told me my mission, should I choose to accept it was to drop my bags, go upstairs and get in the bath, which was hot with little tea lights lit around it and a glass of chilled Chablis on the side and when I had relaxed, tea would be served (which was gorgeous).

I fall in love with him every time I see him.

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