Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I am so angry... help me to stop being a mug.(49 Posts)
I am angry.
My DP of 10 years moved out a couple of weeks ago and we have two small children together. I wanted him to move out and have done for a while due to the pressure I am under when with him. When he lived here, he never helped with anything and I mean anything. No housework, the kids.. everything was left to me from tidying up to bringing the money in. I have always worked full time apart from when I have been on mat leave. We have mortgage arrears because the mortgage was not being paid during my mat leave because my money had reduced and he was not working. Basically I have supported us all on my single salary since 2008. I am responsible for everything he takes responsibility for nothing.
All he does is smoke weed all day long and sits on his iphone (sorry my iphone as it is a contract in my name and I pay the bill but he insists that it is his.. I don't have a phone) playing games and then says ''well tell me what to do and Ill do it''. WTF we should be working as a team not on my own.
I told him I feel like a single mum and if that is how he is going to be then I would rather be a single mum as it won't make any difference as I will still be taking care of the kids, doing all the house work, taking care of all money worries.
Sorry a bit of a rant there but back o the point. So he moved out and it was extremely difficult to get him to do that but he still comes to my house everyday and spends all day here. Expects to have sex and then goes on his merry way.
My problem is that he spends money like there is no tomorrow and this is my money he is spending. He is constantly buying cigarettes (I don't smoke) and weed. We have a joint account and I checked it this morning. He has withdrawn £190.00 in the last 6 days. None of this has gone on shopping as I do the food shopping and always pay with the card not cash. So I am extremely angry. I am paying for everything and supporting a toddler and baby whilst on mat leave and he can go and spend this sort of money on shit!!! I want him to stand on his own two feet and be able to budget properly on his own; I get nothing for the kids from him... I am fuming, please someone help me with some advice I am stuck in a rut.
OP, I can see why it's hard for you to end this. Like you, I don't have many friends and I don't get on with my family. There are times when I think about leaving my partner (although our situation is not like yours, more just that we don't always get on too well) but I think, well, I'd be alone in the world with no-one. So I do know how hard it can be to leave.
But this just sounds awful. Your self-esteem must be plummeting with this waster. And your children are growing up with a horrible idea of what a father and partner is like.
"so I am going to tell him that if he wants to keep the phone then he pays the bill from now"
No, do NOT leave this sponger with a phone contract in your name.
Take the phone off him next time you see him and tell him to get his own.
Empty the joint account and then close it. Then tell him he's not a kept man any more.
You have to properly separate. Means you have a formal agreement for contacting the children, formal agreements for maintenance for the children, separate your income and accounts so that he can't spend your money, separate your posessions. If you need legal help to achieve this, get it. What hurts children most is the confusion caused by a half-way house arrangement, not a clean break.
CogitoErgoSometimes- I think you are right. Things cannot be kept consistent if we are still in a relationship and the kids need to know when to expect to see him so formal arrangements would be the best thing for all. It is easy to say this at the moment but when it comes to implementing it I know it is going to be a different story
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks FromEsme- My self esteem is actually on its way up compared to previous years. A light bulb came on a few weeks ago. The relationship from the word go has just been such a struggle but I was young and alone and he came along like a knight in shining armour or rather that is what he was portraying at the time.
Whocansay- I do have a joint mortage with him and no he is not using me as a sperm depository. Please read my other posts before submitting your comment.
The good thing is that once you have weathered the transition, your life is going to be much easier without this waste of space. You'll have more energy to develop new friendships etc when you're not constantly dealing with the drain on your resources.
I agree - don't trust him financially at all. You need to make sure he can't run up any debts in your name. Definitely get another account and move all your financial dealings to it. If you can't close the joint one, ask your bank to freeze the overdraft facility.
Don't be surprised if he plays dirty. He's having a pretty sweet deal yanked away from him. He may well say or imply that he won't bother with the dcs if you don't give him what he wants. Do not give in this emotional blackmail. If that's how little he values the dcs, then you shouldn't bribe him to spend time with them. It's great that he has moved out, because it prevents him from being able to claim that he is a SAHP.
You can get through this - life will be a lot better on the other side!
I'm sure he's not going to give up the cosy informal arrangements without a struggle but this is where you have to stand firm for your own and your DCs' sake. I always say that exes are not friends, that's why they're exes. So you wouldn't allow strangers to plonk themselves in your home, expecting to be fed, using your cash or whatever. Take a very tough line, resist any emotional blackmail, harden your heart and your self-esteem will go up and up and up... you'll never regret it.
NicknameTaken- thank you for your constructive advice. It helps
CogitoErgoSometimes- Thank you. I will speak to him later today. Not had a phone call fom him this morning so he will probably still be in bed.
Op, this has not really been a relationship as someone who smokes weed all day does not engage with you (or your young dc's). I have the t-shirt, ex p exactly the same (though he did work but crap in other ways). I know it feels awful at first as you feel like you are tearing your family apart but he has done this by his actions (or lack of). DCs are very adaptable but model their lives and expectations on the environment that they grow up in..so you are doing the best for them. Bless you, he really has leeched off you. Glad to hear your self esteem not at rock bottom, but it can hit you a bit further down the line how much dreadful beahaviour just became normalised. Keep going, we are here
Yes, I wanted to say too that the dc will be ok, in fact my bet is that they will thrive away from this horrendous man. They will soon get used to not seeing him every day, they will do just fine without him around sapping the life out of their mother.
Thank you dippyDoohdah.
You are right about him not engaging with me or DCs.
It is just very hard as makes me feel like I am being unreasonable or that I am in the wrong.
Thanks PeppermintPasty, I have noticed that when I am upset or down it has an effect on my 3 year old as she is not happy throughout the day
Please do all the financial things phone/bank account/bills/home before telling him - don't say you are going to do it as he will throw a spanner in the works and get you into debt.
I wish you lots of luck with this. I know it's easy for others to say what to do without being emotionally involved. But I really agree with others that you should do all the financial stuff BEFORE telling him. Set boundaries about when he can and can't see the kids. In time you will have a much better life. All the energy you now spend on resentment of him you can spend on positive stuff for you and your children.
What a pickle! I can only repeat things others have said. a joint account you are soley and jointly responsible. So if he clears it out to over the overdraft then the bank can and will chase YOU even though hes had the money. If you bank with the same bank personally then they can then claim money to feed it to the overdraft joint account. I hope that makes sense. I got stung to the tune of 5k on this one.
Id do a swopping 2 day plan,
See a solicitor with regards to concrete child contact. You cant have him in your house every day, its confusing for the kids, you and him. You both need to move on and build new lives, he cant do that still in yours.
take a day off work.
* Get the joint account closed Direct Debits swapped over.
* Change the locks (obviously check with a solicitor on this one, when i went through mine 2005, it was ok to do as long as i paid the interest on the mortgage as i was preventing him from benefiting from the property).
* Get the contract on your phone cancelled (if necessary tell them youve lost it). Make the phone the last one
Then when he rocks up at your house with the hump that his phones not working and his weed tickets run out you can say "right, spoke to a solicitor this is the situation"
Don't say you have lost the phone, the network provider won't cancel it unless you have a crime reference number from the police and you don't want to have to lie to the police, I'm sure.
If the phone is her phone and he won't give it back then she isn't lying to the police. He has nicked it.
I want him to stand on his own two feet and be able to budget properly on his own
That's never going to happen. He couldn't do it when you two were together, nothing will change. Accept that. Clean cut and move on. It's about damage limitation now. Believe me cutting off a parasite can be tricky, but it must be done or he will continue to bleed you dry.
ok, so I am going to tell him that if he wants to keep the phone then he pays the bill from now on and he needs to sort out his own money as i can't support him anymore
Nope. Wrong tactic. Take your property from him. The phone is yours, not his. Don't discuss, his word is not worth a piss. I did stupid things in the past with a similar man. Bought a car in my name (due to his piss poor credit rating) which he drove, then left open and let get robbed blah blah.....Look to cut a long story short. He is not reasonable so don't focus on what he says, what you say etc. It's about action now, not words. His words are meaningless anyway.
It is just very hard as makes me feel like I am being unreasonable or that I am in the wrong.
So what. You've got to stop caring what he makes you feel like. Believe me he is laughing up his sleeve at you. He knows well he can manipulate you by playing the poor hard done by one. Stop falling for his little game. You need to learn to accept feeling a little bit uncomfortable for a short while. The fear of feeling 'in the wrong' or 'unreasonable' are the chains that are binding you in this ridiculous situation.
Get rid of him. Let him be unpleasant/play his violin all he likes. He'll say a load of shite, that's predictable. But stop caring. Take control of your life and scrape this cocklodger off. Seriously, you will look back and kick yourself for being such a walkover one day!
Selim, I agree....but she was advised to say she has lost it, which is not true if her ex has it and refuses to return it.
he makes you feel like you are unreasonable and wrong as his standards are so very low and incomparable with your normal and realistic ones. he will never understand that as his values sound totally different.when I stop trying to " get ex to see how he is wrong/damage of his behaviour" I get more peace, because he will never have my perspective. the further away you get from this set up, the broader your perspective will get.hug x
Can you cancel the phone contract? He can buy a sim for a quid.
Please sever the ties to this man. You need this.
OP, apologies for my bluntness. I only meant that your partner seems to be using you in every respect and used a crude term to emphasise that.
It was clearly not helpful, so I have reported my post, so (I hope) this will be withdrawn.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.