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Partner Videoing Women

(50 Posts)
NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:16:34

Im 32 my partner is 41. Been together 8 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter together.
My partner has cheated on me twice.... once when he said he needed space and I moved back to my mothers for a year. He started having a relationship with his ex... got her pregnant and took her on holiday. She had a termination and it ended...we finally got back together and tried to put it behind us.. Then when I thought everything was back on track we decided to try for a baby...which we were blessed with... a couple of weeks after the baby was born he started acting strange...I asked him if anything was wrong but he denyed it but kept acting odd...so I check his phone... He was having an emotional affair with another woman at his work and they had kissed... I blew up.... but because I had a newborn to look after she was my main priority...we worked it out. I still havent forgiven him but Im trying to work it through.

That was 2 yrs ago... he has started acting odd again... so I decided to look at his phone. I can only access his photos and videos so I took a look. (Yes I know its bad to look through his phone but he is hardly going to tell me the truth if he is up to something). Anyway... at first I found that he has started to take videos of women walking around outside of his office. He videos them walking around in their shoes... high heels only. I waited a week and I check them again...this time he has video'd up a womans skirt.
I dont know whats wrong with me, I know this is disgusting and wrong but something isnt letting me feel anything about it. I dont feel angry, I dont feel upset, I just feel irked out. Why am I feeling like this?
Also, Im currently 5 weeks pregnant. We have also suffered three pretty horrendous miscarriages this year.
Im really confused about myself and him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:22:21

"Why am I feeling like this?"...

Because, in the process of 'putting it behind you' and 'working it out', you've suppressed your real feelings for so long that you no longer react normally. You are desensitised to his infidelity and lies. You expect betrayal. You may even believe that you don't deserve any better. In that respect, he has successfully manipulated you into accepting any kind of bad behaviour he throws at you.

Even if you feel nothing, ask him to leave. He is a malevolent influence on your life and I think the only way you'll ever recover some normal feelings of self-esteem and self-worth are if you get rid.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:24:37

Easier said than done. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with a daughter. I dont have any family or friends around me... I dont have any money as I am a housewife. I am literally in a no win situation. Im literally stuck where I am.

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 10:25:16

Oh OP what cogito says is true.

Also, he is secretly filming women, without their knowledge/permission? That's just horrendous and shows no respect, a complete lack of boundaries. This man sounds pretty toxic.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:27:05

I just dont understand. He is really intelligent, funny, very good looking, earns alot of money...and he chooses to video women???!?!?!!? The fact he tried to video up a womans skirt just sickens me.

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 10:31:32

It sickens you because it is sick!
He sounds predatory and disgusting. I honestly don't know how you could get past something do horrific and quite frankly, illegal.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:31:59

I would hand his phone to the nearest police station, and how did you find out the sex of the baby at 5 weeks, they must have made some great strides lately.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:32:27

Of course it's easier said than done but it can be done. Him leaving can be a temporary measure initially. Getting him out of your home and out of your hair will give you the time and space to think properly, probably for the first time in the whole eight years. Get some advice on practical and financial matters from places like CAB or even a solicitor and you'll find you are not as reliant on him as you seem to think. A man that 'earns a lot of money' just pays 'a lot of maintenance' to the children he leaves behind... and that's all he's really good for.

Do nothing... which seems to be your answer at the moment.... and all you're doing is condoning his behaviour and keeping yourself trapped with this miserable, unfaithful, untrustworthy excuse of a human being. You may not think you deserve better than that but of course you do.

perceptionreality Thu 15-Nov-12 10:32:58

He sounds awful. The videoing sounds compulsive to me, the way you describe it. It's not normal to video random people at work. This quite apart from the fact he's a liar and a cheat.

Really, given the evidence you'll never be able to trust him fully.

hellsbells76 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:21

He's a misogynist and he gets a thrill from violating women's privacy and dignity in that way. Pretty sure it's illegal too. He is treating you with contempt: again because he's a misogynist. What are you getting out of this relationship? Please get rid: you will be entitled to child support and benefits and you'll manage: eventually you will look back and realise it was the best thing you ever did. Do you want your children growing up with such a vile man as their role model?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:27

Guilty I think she meant her 2 year old is a girl...

LadyMargolotta Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:37

Guiltypleasures001 she is five weeks pregnant AND has a daughter.

Agree, hand phone to the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:34:42

"He is really intelligent, funny, very good looking, earns alot of money...and he chooses to video women???!?!?!!? "

Perverts and predators don't get issued with a dirty raincoat so that you can spot them easily, you know. They come in all shapes and sizes. Remember. You have a choice whether to keep on tolerating this rubbish or not.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:35:32

I am 5 weeks pregant and I also have a daughter.
How can I go to the police? He provides money for my daughter. He would lose his job. Im not about to jeopodise her future.

Thanks Cogito..that gave me some clarity. I think Im going to ask him to leave...I need to get some advice. Im just so sad, Ive done everything to try and make him happy but it never seems to be good enough. Infact, I know its not me...he is the one with the obvious issues.

Guilty, she means she has a daughter and is also five weeks pregnant.
Oh dear op. the police sounds a good idea and make plans to leave. This is not going to be a happy relationship.

tethersend Thu 15-Nov-12 10:36:26

Guilty, she means that she also has a daughter, not that her unborn child is a girl.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:37:18

Also this is a new thing. He has NEVER mentioned anything about having a feet fetish... in the 8 yrs I have known him. I know he looks at porn but npw he just looks a feet sites. This is a brand new thing... I just find it so odd.

hellsbells76 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:34

Good for you: but don't ask him to leave: tell him he's leaving. It's up to you whether to go to the police and I understand your worries about him being able to provide for his daughter, but I think I would struggle with knowing someone is violating their colleagues like that and would have to say something. Men who do that kind of thing often progress to flashing and sexual abuse/rape too. Women aren't people to them, just things - there for their gratification. You're worried he'll lose his job: he should lose his job and should also be prosecuted. He's a menace. Could you move back in with your mum for a bit? Then you wouldn't need his money so much.

DragonMamma Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:42

I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach too, because it's sick, dirty and wrong. How you've managed to sit on it already is beyond my comprehension. He would be out on his arse the minute I'd found these complete violations of people's rights.

Sod the money, get yourself down the bank and empty the account of spare cash, leave enough to cover the DD's in there and ask them to freeze it. If you're a SAHM then you don't need to worry about childcare so you can live pretty cheaply with your DD.

Where there's a will, there's a way. I couldn't condone such dreadful behaviour

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:43:13

Men like your DH are never happy. They are thrill-seekers and risk-takers. They enjoy thinking that they are getting one over on you and that you don't know what's going on. They are completely untrustworthy because they get their jollies out of secretive, unsavoury behaviour. Furtively videoing women without their knowledge is part and parcel of someone that doesn't actually like having an honest and open relationship with women.... just enjoys getting their rocks off in private, whatever that takes. Look how he treated his ex and how he treats you. Pick up and put down when it suits.

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:45:26

Has it occurred to you that you may be jeopardising your dd's future by not handing his phone in to the police?

Think about it... is it preferable for all concerned that he gets a warning or a caution now or a prison sentence at a later date when his unchecked peversions escalate to more serious sexual offences?

And are you going to feel entirely happy about sharing care of your dd with a man who videos 'up a woman's skirts'?

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 10:46:08

The foot fetish is the least of the issues here

What a disgusting pervert.

strumpetpumpkin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:47:46

he sounds like a creep. I dont care about peoples fetishes, but the objects of the fetishes should at least be aware and consenting, otherwise its gross and abusive

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:51:15

Foot fetish, Cindy? The man's upped his camera game in more ways than one and, if unchecked, he'll continue to do so.

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