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Feel like shes trying to cause trouble in my marriage.

(11 Posts)
Revelsarethebest Thu 15-Nov-12 09:10:10

My DH has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship. He was never married to their mother.

We havent been married long (few months). I ve been with DH 18 months and we have a 4 week old baby together.

Contact with his children has been very difficult with their mother often sending nasty texts, mentioning things about when they were together (not good things). His ex goes through stages of "your not seeing the kids again, dont ever contact me again etc"

However whats really getting to me is when DH tries to contact the kids through his ex after shes stopped him from seeing them she sends text messages saying that he cant get over her, he must learn to let her go and hes married now etc etc. Saying this is quite a regular thing.

His ex has a fiance and has had a new baby with him.

Its really getting to me when she says my husband still has feelings for her and cant get over her etc.

I feel like shes trying to split us up, and its eating away at me inside, i cant get it out of my head.

DH just ignores all comments like that.

I feel like ending things, i feel like walking away, i dont wanna be in a situation where someone is trying to come inbetween my marriage.

Friends tell me shes saying it to wind me up, and to be honest its really working!

I cant ignore it, and its really affecting me.

I dont know what to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 09:15:06

What would walking away achieve except allowing her to win? You have to become more of a team with your DH and tackle this together. He probably thinks it's the right thing to do to share all the communications with you, but if her remarks are making you feel insecure, tell him. Maybe it's best if he doesn't show you the text messages, for example.

Sounds to me as if she is the one still having issues of moving on, despite having a fiance and a new baby with him (wonder if he knows about her behaviour and comments - doubt it, I think he'd had a fit). No doubt she is also jealous that your DH married you but didn't marry her.

I'm concerned that you feel that you want to walk away when you've only been married a few months and with such a newborn. Don't you think she'd love that? Don't give her any satisfaction on that score.

I dare say it's more of an issue at the moment because you have such a tiny tot to deal with. Focus everything on that and keeping the three of you strong as a family and don't have any dealings with his ex. Your friends are totally right, she's doing it to wind you up and you are allowing it to. Somehow you need to learn to deal with it in the same way your DH does and ignore it. I know you say you can't, but you need to, otherwise it will continue. Even counselling perhaps.

fiventhree Thu 15-Nov-12 09:21:36

He needs to clarify his child access and contact arrangements via a solicitor, rather than this constant negotiation. Then he wouldnt need to contact her all the time.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 09:21:40

I second that Cogito, I would step back and let him deal with her and his kids, I wouldnt show the texts or let you know when she is kicking off..You deal with what you need too op and let him deal with his end. The extra stress with worrying about how you feel is not doing him or you any good. Dont let her win, it cant go on forever.

So she's already come between his and his DC and now she wants to come between him and his wife and his baby DC? She sounds dreadful.
I think you and he need to find ways to deal with her that are not upsetting to you. Cogito's suggestion is good - just say, sorry, I don't want to know what she's saying. Move on. Detach. She is not your problem.
From what you've said he is the main victim in this, why would you contemplate making it worse for him? There will always be problems in life, try and use this to come together as a team.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 09:32:00

I was once on the end of some poisonous letters courtesy of my then MIL who was shit-stirring with her stepchildren. My then DH showed some rare insight, intercepted them (I knew he was doing it) read them and then destroyed them... Sometimes it's better not to know.

Thelifeofpie Thu 15-Nov-12 09:46:30

Its just the baggage that some second ltr's come with. I've been with my husband for 7 years and I still get messages from his Ex saying he loves her.

The key is to leave the baggage as theirs and not yours sad

The messages will lessen over time.

Revelsarethebest Thu 15-Nov-12 13:21:00

Thanks for the replies.

Im surprised at myself for letting her get to me, but i cant help it.

I just sometimes feel like this is my life for the next 10years.

DH has admitted that if my ex was sending stuff like that to me then he certainatly wouldnt like it!

Maybe its best i dont know.

Ah revels, the early weeks of having a baby are hard! Try to focus on you, DH and your lovely baby.

No reaction and she will get tired of it.

peppapigpants Thu 15-Nov-12 16:43:11

My DP's ex is poisonous and definitely tries to make trouble for us. We ended up going down the legal route, she has had a letter from our solicitor detailing everything she has done that constitutes harassment and telling her that it has to stop. She was 'spoken to' by the police after we reported it. Things then went quiet for about six months then she resurfaced and we reported to the police again. She has now been told by them that if she continues to harass us, directly or through a third party, she will be arrested.

This seems extreme to some, perhaps, but the harassment went on for a year before we took action, and we only then involved the police because she involved my teenage children and upset them greatly.

You don't have to put up with his ex's behaviour and neither does your DH.

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