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please reassure me

(28 Posts)
connacht Wed 14-Nov-12 20:23:35

can you please reassure me I have done the right thing. I have left my partner of 3 years (we live together and im now staying with a friend) as I can no longer live with his inertia and unreliability. To give you the salient points, i met him after he left his wife of 18 years, his business was suffering in the downturn and failed approximately 2 years ago.

since then he has worked, low paying jobs and not always telling DHSS about them, but he has gotten by with help from me. i have steadily become more disillusioned with him as he appears to constantly have big plans but nothing ever comes of them. He has yet to pull together a CV (all jobs to now have been through friends/family members), he didnt pay a penny towards his child for over a year until his ex threatened to report him to CSA, he now pays about £60 per week.

I have gotten used in our relationship to paying for most things or at least half - he rarely treats me and has to be pushed to proceed with his divorce, get bills paid on time etc etc.

At present he owes me upward of £500 which he gets angry if I pressure him to pay back (he prefers to pay what he can afford when he can afford it rather than a set amount each week), but what has really forced me to tell him to get lost is that he used his half of the rent money to pay personal bills, ie telephone and car insurance with the result that our rent is now 1 week late. I dont fear being evicted as the landlord is a really nice person.

what im actually distraught about is that he chose to pay private bills for himself before he would ensure that our home where my 2 children and I live with him and his son visits at the weekend was safe and paid for. He didnt even tell me the rent was late until Monday of this week - was due to be paid last Friday - and he told me it would be paid by the latest today. When I contacte dhim yesterday he told me it would be paid on Friday!!

I feel so let down and used. When I think back he was always short of cash and I always helped him. I thought he was depressed because of his business etc and have allowed him to take advantage of me.

I am now starting to doubt myself though and wonder if I am as nagging and sour faced as he tells me I am, constantly criticising him etc etc. I just want not to have to push this man to do anything. He is 10 years older than me yet I feel I am the one with all the responsibilty. please help.

connacht Sat 17-Nov-12 10:55:47

cogito im pm'g you

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 17-Nov-12 10:26:09

Do you have someone you could go to your house with and act as moral support? It would make it a lot more difficult for you to be manipulated. FWIW, don't write back. Write down what you want to say, call him and then stick to the script. Once you've said what you want to say, just put the phone down... make it a one-sided rather than two-sided conversation and he won't have the opportunity to blame etc. Above all please realise that, even though you've made a mistake trusting or loving this man, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. Con-artists, users and freeloaders are very good at what they do... if you don't have that gene yourself, it's easy to take them on face value.

You will not make him see he is wrong so save your breath.

connacht Sat 17-Nov-12 08:22:10

Can i have practical ideas on how to handle this. I need to work out if he is keeping the house or if I will - I dont want to have direct communication with him - i honestly feel so weak and drained from it all. I think im losing it as Im now running through scenarios in my head (where he is once again blaming me and everything/one around him for the situation - as he has done so many times previously) and im there trying to justify/explain myself to him, trying to get him to understand that he is wrong.

do you think he knows he is wrong deep down - or even not deep down but just wont admit it?

I cannot actually face him - Im ashamed to say that, Im a grown woman with a family and a job and I cannot face my exdp or the end of the relationship for that matter. What sort of a mother am I that I would move my children in with this man?

I need to get some things from the house - I dont want him to be there when Im doing it - I feel I am vulnerable and he will try to manipulate me with words when Im not up to dealing with him.

Should I write to him and tell him to write back - is that totally childish? sad

connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 19:28:37

izzy i dont feel strong enough to talk to him. the rent money is paid from his account and in fact the lease is in his name - this was my idea actually as some level of self-preservance kicked in and I said that I would be more comfortable that way - I can always go home to my mums but it would be more difficult if I were tied into a lease.

he seems determined to try and draw me into conversation and I dont feel strong enough to withstand either crying or screaming at him sad

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 19:24:19

Send him a text asking where the rent money is.

connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 19:11:49

He just called me there, I let the phone ring out without answering, I honestly dont feel able to talk to him sad. It makes me feel nauseous.

advice anyone?

connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 17:54:12

Sorry only getting to respond now. DC ill last night when I got home. He attempted to contact me via text last night basically saying that he hoped I wasnt too stressed. He then contacted me again today via email (it bounced) and then text me saying that he was there if I needed him. I mean what the actual fuck?

He is basically behaving like I have some sort of mental health issue thats down to my own issues and nothing to do with him whatsoever. Like he is going to arrive in on a white horse and make it all better!!!!

Im so hurt and angry sad and angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 08:50:21

@Mirriam.... three years to work out you're living with a lazy free-loader is not a 'hasty decision' or a mistake. hmm The OP doesn't need random deities offering tranquility, she needs a bit of grit and encouragement to keep standing up for herself and her children, and not letting this man use her as a cash machine.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 15-Nov-12 20:14:18

Read whatever makes you feel tranquil, by all means. But don't take him back.

Mirriam Thu 15-Nov-12 19:20:13

Hi their,
In every marriage there is give and take & sometimes one gives more than the other. Don't feel bad for your hasty decision, we are human after all he seems to be making many mistakes too.
What helped my relationship was and still is the last scripture "The Holy Quraan" the book by the creator himself, explains it all.
I would recommend both read the English translation if he is not interested you may read at first & I promise you that you will feel tranquility besides the knowledge etc... you will gain.

Hope the lord Almighty guide you both to do what is right.

fiventhree Thu 15-Nov-12 09:25:37

He wants a mother, doesnt he? Not a wife.

Do not take him back. If you do, you have a life time of parenting an irresponsible man.

Agree also with Tall

Please don't give yourself a hard time for investing so much time, energy and empathy and money in this relationship. You did it because you're a nice person and he took advantage.

I think you need to work on your self-esteem - what made you think that this was the most you deserved? Someone who'll put his needs before the needs of your kids? DON'T feel guilty. He's not depressed, he's a bit low because the world won't give him what he wants on a plate. Get back to your family home and boot him out. He can stay with one of his drinking buddies and you can start re-building your life.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 15-Nov-12 08:40:46

Cogito hits the nail on the head - the crying is because you loved him so it will well up, regardless of the ins & outs of why it's over. It will get less - when I had to dump a LD boyfriend whom I loved dearly but who just wasn't seeing a future with me in it (more fool him, say I), I cried every day for a couple of weeks, then it gradually dwindled to every few days, then I realised I hadn't welled up for a fortnight - & so on! While at work etc, try really hard not to to think about him, the relationship etc - put it in a box - and only allow yourself to think about it in private, when the tears can come. He might have loved you, you know, but that isn't enough - he just wasn't a good partner for you, and it sounds like he has distinct freeloader tendencies which is a deal-breaker if it threatens the roof over your head, surely? What will happen now - you say you don't fear eviction but you're no longer in the rented flat, I presume ex-DP is? Who is liable for the rent?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 08:32:41

Work is actually a good distraction. Gives you something else to think about and an incentive to hold it together. Have a good day and do come back to your thread later.

connacht Thu 15-Nov-12 08:13:34

thanks everyone - is it ok if i get back later, leaving for work now - want so badly to stop crying!! sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 08:07:54

Any relationship break-down is upsetting, no matter how justified it is. You've invested - as well as money - a lot of hope, love and other emotions and it's a major kick in the teeth to realise it's not reciprocated and you've been wasting your time. You've not been stupid... we all make allowances for the people we think we love. It'll take time to come to terms with the new reality that you've created for yourself and I'd suggest that, while you're waiting for that time to go by, you drop contact with your ex and make some interesting plans for yourself.

Having once had a financial millstone around my own neck in the form of my exH I know how stressful it is constantly trying to get them to take some responsibility and then picking up the pieces when they let you down yet again. Since he left I've never had so much money or been so relaxed.

Good luck

Bilbobagginstummy Thu 15-Nov-12 08:05:27

Report him to the DWP if he is claiming out-of-work benefits and working?

connacht Thu 15-Nov-12 07:50:06

lueji he does work, just doenst manage his money from it! im the manager of money from what i can see

connacht Thu 15-Nov-12 07:48:49

thanks so so much. Im in work today and wont be able to mail until this evening when I get home - i just hope I can hold it together, have told people i have hayfever as my eyes are constantly filling with tearsblush - my colleages are starting to look at my strangely - hayfever in November?? is there even such a thing.

why cant i stop crying - why have i been so stupid!! why do i still care about him or anything to do with him!! he never loved me and I wont/cant accept - i feel like shaking myself silly sad angry

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Thu 15-Nov-12 07:43:27

It sounds like he doesn't want to get a proper job cos he doesn't want to pay more child support and also he is happy to be a freeloader. Do you really want to be with a man who puts himself first? Who doesn't care enough about his son to sort it out? Who is rude to your mum and disrespectful to you? Who cheats the system? What kind of role model is he for your DCs?

I know you are having a wobble, it's natural. You feel bad for saying harsh things to him because you are not normally like that. Every time you have a wobble, come here to let your feelings out.

Lueji Thu 15-Nov-12 07:34:00

Why would you think he's depressed?

He does find the strength to go out with mates, doesn't he? Just not get a job.

If he is, then I hope this will shock him into treatment. But I doubt he is, TBH.

connacht Thu 15-Nov-12 07:29:52

thank you so so much. i have spent all last night crying, i cannot believe that i have been so stupid as to think that this man loved me? why did I think that? what is wrong with me that I am so desperate that I alllowed this man to use me this way - or is he depressed and im being cruel to him?

i dont know - im in ribbons over it all, i dont know which way to turn, i dont know whether im feeling this way because thats just what happens when your hurt or whether im totally wrong or what - can someone put me straight please???? sad sad

mameulah Wed 14-Nov-12 21:30:30

Years ago I had a boyfriend like you. You are doing so well getting rid of him. When I finished the relationship I was in I honestly realised that I had less thinking to do. That 'man' has taken up enough of your time. Be brave, each second that goes by is a second closer to meeting someone really decent.

I am married now and my dh could not be more different. We are really good at taking care of each other, bringing the best out in each other and complimenting each other's differences. Keep on believing, and DON'T go back to him!!!

sipofwine Wed 14-Nov-12 21:29:17

I definitely think you've done the right thing. You are now just remembering the harsh things you said to him but you said them out of desperation, and probably with very good reason. This man is never going to change and I think it's lucky that you didn't get to a point where you were financially reliant on him. In my mind, you've had a lucky escape. Your children need more stability than that, too.

connacht Wed 14-Nov-12 21:19:58

im beginning to doubt myself and feel like I was always on his back. His son can be very unruly, disappearing for hours on end and no one knowing where he is, he is early teens, very rude, will barely greet my mum when she calls to the house and he just says its how teenagers are and I should stop going on and complaining.

im starting to feel like ive been unfair to him. I just get so frustrated as feel so let down by him as he never seems to have money to pay for anything (although wil always have money for wine on a saturday evening or a few pints with his mates on a friday evening). I know he may well be depressed but surely depression doesnt justify his behaviour? please help imwobbling and feel i should make contact with him. I was very harsh with him during our communication yesterday and feel bad about it. Told him he was a loser and good luck finding someone like me again sad

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