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Abused as a child(graphic)

(31 Posts)
confusedstateofmind Wed 14-Nov-12 20:23:33

I was abused by 2 of my brothers from when i was little.

One far greater than the other.
1-the less 2 the greater.

1. Use to do oral things to me ages 7-9. Then stopped.

2. Use to make me dance, give oral with mouth, use to mastutbate him. Hes the big achiever in the family, has a degree. Early memory i can think if is 4-9

Today i went conselling due to another matter and it nearly slipped out infront of my mum.

My mum and dad DO NOT know of the abuse and cant ever tell them. Im sitting here crying

I have a son now, whos a few weeks old and 2, is coming down soon to vist his nephew. I feel sick, shaking, cant sleep.

I blamed my problems on a family memeber passing when i was younger but its not. I almost feel ashamed as now i know what games they played and how they messed my head up.

I have no friends either, i am not with the father of the baby(hes the only soul i have told) he strugged it off.

I dont want to spill it as my whole family will be torn apart but i have turned so protective over my son its making me ill. I wont anyone change his nappy nor dress/unchanged him.

redjumper Sat 17-Nov-12 20:42:53

You should not allow a sex offender (your brother) any contact with your child at all.

This is the serious issue here.

It sounds like your plan is to watch them carefully, that's not good enough. You have a parental responsibility to protect your child, whatever impact that has on wider family dynamics. The sooner you get this clear the better.

izzyizin Sat 17-Nov-12 11:41:28

How often does your ex see his ds? Was he present at fthe birth? Have his parents taken an interest in their dgs?

Would he be able to call at your parents' home while your db is staying over which may at least give you the feeling of having some support at hand should anything untoward occur?

GhostShip Sat 17-Nov-12 11:15:06

If your counseling is going to work you need to be able to speak about this, it is the cause of all your anxiety.

I am so so sorry you've been through this, and are going through the aftermath now. Youre a strong individual, respect to you x

izzyizin Sat 17-Nov-12 11:09:55

When is your brother due to visit and will he be staying over for a few days?

confusedstateofmind Sat 17-Nov-12 10:50:43

No DF hasnt taken any role in his life. I have tried e.g sending photos texting him when it would be best but always cancels last mintue.

2- has had no gfs. 1- had a long term few years ago. Both have no children.

My mum and dad know i dont like anyone, to hold or attend to DS when crying.

I have rung the helpline 2 days ago, i did speak for about an hour, i cant face ringing back just yet again. I feel sad as someone nos but happy as i can talk to them and they offer great support.

Thank you for all your lovely messages xx

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 15:12:13

Hoping that you've been able to speak to your counsellor or to an adviser with a view to formulating a plan to get you through the coming weeks and the Christmas season if you are unable to disclose to your dps before your db's expected visit to see his nephew.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 15-Nov-12 13:14:51

No advice, just support. You did not deserve this and you have done nothing wrong. How your family reacts is not your responsibility - it's your brothers' fault for betraying you when you were too young to do anything about it. They are the ones who are responsible for hurting the family, not you.
You're a brave woman and we are all here for you.

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 13:03:13

Are your dbs married or in relationships? Do they have dc of their own?

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 12:07:09

How are you today sweetheart?

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:01:14

It would seem apparent that your anxiety issues cannot be resolved in isolation as they have been caused by your childhood experience of sexual abuse.

All of the various agencies that support and advise victims of sexual abuse are currently over subscribed because of the Savile effect. However, as you have been allocated a counsellor you're best advised to make another appointment which you should endeavour to attend alone - or, at the very least, leave your mum in the waiting room while you engage with your counsellor.

My concern is that if you are unable to disclose to your dps before Christmas, you may find that having your former abusers present over the festive season becomes intolerable for you to the extent that you break down under the strain.

Even if you are able to maintain some pretence of normality, no doubt your dps will expect your ds to be held/cuddled at some point by his uncles and remarks may be made/your behaviour may come into question if you seem to be reluctant to let your ds out of your arms/sight.

You've mentioned that you had a loving relationship with your ds's df. Would it be possible for you and ds to spend part the festivities with your ex and his dps who presumably want to see their newborn dgs over the Christmas season? Or do you have other relatives or a friend that you can escape to if you begin to feel overwhelmed at home?

Did you live with your ds's df? Does he have his own flat/house? Are you staying with your dps until you can set up home on your own with ds?

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 11:15:57

Jesus OP you poor thing.

Good luck with phoning today, keep up your strength to do it. It will be tough and oh so hard but you are doing to protect your son from these vile creatures.
Here to hold your hand also.

fosterdream Thu 15-Nov-12 11:09:21

Holding your hand I have no advice but your not alone. I've known a few people who's brothers did this. Still holding your hand

confusedstateofmind Wed 14-Nov-12 22:52:32

My brothers was 14-17 at the time. Not children.

I would not tell either of them face-to-face in my life. If it did come out, i am going to ring olgaga link tomorrow. Take it from there. I would want to out of the room, while they was told what happened.

I am very vulerable, but they think i have forgotten as i was young at the time.

When i was little, 2 gave me £1 each time saying buy some sweets dont tell mummy. I use to think 'wow' sweets and dont tell mummy. But now i am filled with emtional problems and anger as i was abused.

I love my DS dearly, i cant think of life without him. His father is absent, the relationship was loving maybe thats why it was harder to accept it was over.

CindySherman Wed 14-Nov-12 22:45:20

You poor thing. Please tell someone. You have just had a baby and are very vulnerable. I am v worried about you.

antsypants Wed 14-Nov-12 22:37:31

Hi confused

Are you still living at home?

I understand that why you don't/can't say anything about this to your mum, but you can't go on like this, having to see this thing all the time, never having a chance to move on from what has happened, it is no wonder you are dealing with anxiety issues, or that you have struggled to move your life on from childhood... It is such a massive secret to keep.

You can't talk to your mum you have said, you aren't ready, what about your dad? Is there any way that you can speak to him?

I agree with the advice to contact a helpline, you need some specialist advice here... You are vulnerable, and your brothers will pick up on that, you need to protect yourself from them.

Some things you need to know and repeat to yourself.

Your child will not be removed from your care because you disclose abuse

You are in no way responsible for them abusing you, you did not accept this, ask for it or invite it into your life, you were abused by two people who are supposed to love and protect you, any fall out within your family from this will not be your fault, but the two men who have abused you, their actions, not yours.

You can get through this and become the person you should have been had you not had to deal with this terrible thing happening to you, GCSE's, work, career, relationships... They are all achievable things when you are ready, right now you need to stop feeling ashamed of what you didn't do and think about the things that you have done, and feel proud.

You have survived an abusive childhood
You are a mother to a loved and cared for child
You are a lovely and caring person who, despite being hurt so badly, still tries to protect her parents from the truth of their children's behaviours.

Coming to terms with abuse and the betrayal is hard, very hard, for me it was the struggle understanding why I wasn't loved and protected as I love and protect my child, for you it will be something different... But it changed my life, having counselling and understanding my past, and I have no doubt it will do the same for you.

Oh you poor sweetheart.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - but I understand the way you feel about what they did to you. It's so hard to actually say or even type the words, isn't it? As if doing that makes it more real. I was abused by an older boy when I was 6 and 7. He was 11. Sometimes people make the mistake that somehow the abuse 'doesn't count' if the perpetrator was also a child - I can tell you catergorically that this is untrue and should not allow people to shrug it off - as has happened to you.

Perhaps a bit too soon to read now, but 'The Courage to Heal' is a fab book for people dealing with being abused as children, especially by family members.

I think that you have the right to refuse to see either of your brothers, and the right to protect your son. I was hyper-vigilant when my dd was born, I realised that no way would either of my parents be allowed near her. Literally, not while I still draw breath.

I screwed up my schooling too, thanks to mental health problems and anxiety, don't worry, you can get help to go to college and get some quals, all is not lost, your life isn't over honey, it's just beginning!

Feel free to pm me if you would like to chat.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 22:23:13

You don't need to give your name or anything that will identify you unless you want to. Please do it.

I'm so sorry, I must go to bed, I am knackered - but I will check back first thing in the morning. PM me if you like. You have taken the first very brave step in finding a way to live with the past, and that's the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your baby.

It won't be easy - but neither is living like this, right?

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 22:19:31

Please don't try to explain to us or even yourself what has happened and why, it's impossible.

Please do go to the GP, your baby won't be taken away from you - they will understand that it is your desire to protect your baby that has prompted you to seek help.

Please call those helplines I have linked to. This is hard, very hard, but I do think you have to get away from your family to get some space.

Please PM me if you need to. I have to go to bed now but I will check first thing.

You will get through this, I promise you. But you do need help, and you need to be believed to get the strength and self-belief to deal with it. There are people here, and at the end of those helplines, who will believe you and will help you. x

confusedstateofmind Wed 14-Nov-12 22:14:22

Thank you for the links, i have been doubting to write a thread for weeks. It pushed me over the egde when 2 said hes coming down to meet his nephew.

When i ring will they ask for my name etc? Or is it all private?

confusedstateofmind Wed 14-Nov-12 22:07:47

My mum and dad think i have something wrong with me, yes they are right i was abused under there noses. I am the only girl and the youngest. My dad is not there real dad, my mum always wanted a girl.

Maybe this is what i got due to my RL dad present and me being the only girl.

2, stay at home all christmas, i watch him like a hawk, see where he is what hes doing how his mood is. Its amazing the 2 that abused me are coming over, i will refuse them to hold him. I think i would be sick, just sat sobbing now, woken up my son.

I dont want the GP or anyone to find out because i dont want my son taken away, they might see him as a threat which makes me even more paranoid.

He is my mums favorite son, always done extremely well, i was rebal at school. No GCSE's i feel so ashamed or anything.

allnewtaketwo Wed 14-Nov-12 22:01:37

Please take olgagas advice, it's very good. Please please don't see them, and get yourself some counselling without your mother. And stop protecting her feelings, you cannot be responsible for how her children's behaviour destroyed your childhood sad

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:52:35

You have great courage OP, to have managed this far. I'm speaking from experience here. It's the hardest thing, especially when you are so worried about the family. Please stop the counselling with your mum present.

I recommend this organisation - they have a helpline:
www.napac.org.uk/

Also, do go to your GP and ask for a long appointment. They can be surprisingly helpful - certainly mine was.

Please don't keep going trying to deal with this on your own - I wish I'd got help decades ago.

Don't see your brothers, you are vulnerable and it's too emotional for you. Make any excuse. Please get help. PM me if you like.

You might want to call Women's Aid too - they also have a helpline. I don't think you'll get better/stronger until you get out of your parents' place:
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Proudnscary Wed 14-Nov-12 21:33:55

Oh and I second what the others say - you DO NOT have to see these men. You CAN say no. You don't have to explain yourself.

Proudnscary Wed 14-Nov-12 21:31:31

I'm so dreadfully sorry for what you have been through and how you are feeling now.

I don't have any experience or feel comfortable giving you advice but am hoping so much that one of the (sadly) many victims of abuse will be on here to hold your hand and advise you.

None of this was your fault. None of it.

You are a good mother and your instinct is to protect your son.

carlywurly Wed 14-Nov-12 21:08:24

I'm so sorry you had to suffer this. You don't need to carry it alone any longer. Find a counsellor for yourself and offload it all. Or talk to us any time. Sending you a big hug.

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