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For womankind. Share the Red Flags #2

(115 Posts)
ParsleyTheLioness Wed 14-Nov-12 19:05:24

Time to start a new thread. Original one here
red flags I should have heeded

trustissues75 Mon 31-Dec-12 14:23:31

His mother having overspent on the credit card looking at me ruefully when I tried to make light of it saying: "You won't have to put up with days of being ignored."

All his father thought of was money and having it.

trustissues75 Mon 31-Dec-12 14:15:28

Ooh...another.....

Getting upset and trying to talk calmly with him about something that he has done and keeps on doing even though you have asked him not to and him looking at you, coming over all concerned and saying..."Have you taken your medication today?"

Trying to convince you you've tried to commit suicide but have forgotten about it.

trustissues75 Mon 31-Dec-12 14:11:45

Marrying you and then refusing to let you know about the finances - instead giving you a separate bank account with an allowance that wait for it...he gets to dip into when he likes to.

Waking up in hospital the night after your child has been born and getting stroppy and asking "what the fuck are you doing?" as you're trying to breast feed and then flinging himself back down on the bed.

Refusing to help you try to get some sort of routine going in a household with an extremely fractious baby and little sleep - "I don't DO books." and then getting stroppy with you when you try to explain what it is you're doing, asking him to do the same, and being told your are criticizing.

Ignoring you all day as you sit with very bad PPD with tears streaming down your face.

Begging for comfort and being told "It's hard to hug a fridge."

Being told that your hurt and growing anger towards him is completely unfounded, that your are obviously very ill and that his prickishness is all in your imagination.

Allowing his behaviour to get to you, acting out, and then having it pointed out to you that it is you who is the abuser, and the crazy one, and that if you're not careful he'll get you admitted to psyche.

Moving you half way across the world to somewhere you don't want to go, telling you if you don't you're just letting your family down even more than you already have, and not giving a shit that your psychiatrist and doctors advise that it is the last thing his wife needs right now.

Telling you your friends/family take advantage of you and slowly, subversively separating you from them.

Re-writing history

Refusing to take little to no responsibility for the state of your relationship

Refusing to go to counselling

Promising things and then never coming through and then using your disappointment as a means to point out how difficult/whiny/nagging/unreasonable/ungrateful you are.

mrsmarples Mon 31-Dec-12 14:05:01

I'm scared actually. Not for my safety but of the fall out and of being alone (again).

Which is even more mad considering I'm a professional with a successful career and still many goals i want to achieve.

Pathetic isn't it?

mrsmarples Mon 31-Dec-12 14:02:47

Because each time I get to the point where I want to end it he seems to sense it and something happens which makes me doubt myself.

The latest is his DD is upset and so she is coming to stay for a couple of days. You'd think that this is a good thing normally. But I feel like a detective, constantly looking for hard evidence, mad, mad mad I know.

Plus he has been absolutely lovely with other of my friends and I don't think they'd believe me if I talked to them about him. Apart from the couple who think he's not being honest with me of course, and I think they want me to just finish with it...

meddie Mon 31-Dec-12 13:53:30

Why is he still your boyfriend mrsmarples. He is displaying so many red flags it could be a russian parade

mrsmarples Mon 31-Dec-12 13:33:02

Really glad to see this thread continuing. I have read the first one and I'm hoping someone can help. I also just read The Loser article. Some of it rings bells but by no means am I being assaulted verbally or physically. But.

I was once in a very abusive relationship with a man who did many of the things that many posters have described. It was 25 years ago and the memory of it is still with me. If I see him (rarely) I get the shivers still…..

My current BF:

very quickly attached and professed to love me like no other (despite previously having been married for over 25 years)

claims to have given his DC's his all but now doesn't bother to see them unless they're prepared to come to him.

thinks women can't be trusted (I suspect he reads my phone messages and my emails)

told me the worst most racist 'joke' I have ever heard and then asked me if I still loved him when he saw my horrified reaction.

has no friends as such

doesn't seem to like me doing things on my own

arrived suddenly and 'moved in' because 'mad ex' had turned up at marital home

has not worked in over a year and finds excuses not to

has bad credit history for which he blamed his ex and various other external factors

thinks some of my single friends aren't normal/good for me…

wants to watch what he wants on tv

suggested that i am such a good shag that i could get paid for it.

I could go on. I have challenged him on everything and he seems to know I mean it. but is that enough or will it resurface?

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 11:34:52

runforestrun
I will never understand how his ex stayed with him for 15yrs. Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me!

Or, rather, with her. She must have put up with similar crap, I imagine.

Jemma1111 Fri 28-Dec-12 11:16:52

I so wish I had mn when I was with my bastard of an ex. I had never thought I was in an abusive relationship.

I can remember seeing his true colours' when I was expecting my first child, he would openly stare at other women and comment that I'd better get back into shape pronto after the birth or he would have to 'replace' me.

He would ALWAYS expect me to be busy if he was, if he was gardening for example he would expect me to help but then I would have to come in to do ALL the housework alone after we'd finished.

On one occasion I'd been out doing the weekly shop (8 months pregnant) whilst he was at home painting the bedroom. On returning he informed me that he'd painted the walls but had left all of the glossing to me, including the skirting boards, It was a struggle bending down and he knew it. When I said that I was tired and would try and paint the next day he burst into a tirade of abuse telling what a lazy, fat cunt I was. Still, I stayed with him and tried to 'please' him.

He would alternate between being a real nice family man , especially when our DC was born, to being a complete shit to me. I was the only one who witnessed his vile temper and the disgusting way he spoke to me at times and to everyone else he came across as such a nice guy who would give you his last penny etc.

The final straw for me came when my by then 2yr old dc watched him trying to strangle me on the floor. All these years later I can still hear his plea of "don't do that to mummy please daddy".
My ex got off me, stood up and said "you make men want to hit you", then walked out.
I called my family and he was made to live somewhere else or the police would have been involved.

I'm still so angry with my ex for putting us through the shit that he did but I'm so much happier that he's out of my life.

dippyDoohdah Fri 28-Dec-12 10:45:54

broke his'celibacy vow"for me..not long after told me of the hundreds of women he had had prior to that
told me, with a total sense of moral justice, how he had organised and paid for the gang rape of 3 women who had tried to swindle his good nature..when challenged, told me it was the"minimum punishment"to expect in his country
road rage including death threats, knives..
expectation of sex every day, sulks if not provided, annoyed if did not act like enjoyed it
jealous of any male friend, colleagues or relatives
super husband and super Dad with an audience, complaining, victim mentality, TV obsessed Stoner when at home..
high standards for all but himself

smileyforest Fri 28-Dec-12 09:58:49

'FILLS'!!! smile

smileyforest Fri 28-Dec-12 09:56:40

My second marriage was abusive EA...early on was PA too....
Took incredible strength to end it....nearly killed me but knew it was 'now or never'
Recognise red flags instantly..and can feel a little insecure at times....
He is now with a Japanese GF...I actually feel so sorry for her...because of the culture difference...she will never understand how 'used' she is
He had an affair with a Japanese (a friend) early in marriage.
Always had a 'fetish' towards Japan/Japanese.
My two boys also feel sorry for her....she panders his every need..(he will love that)....his daughters (from his 1st marriage) think she is lovely too as its a gateway for them for a free holiday to her homeland (they have same feelings towards Japan)
He found her on internet...she lives in Japan and visits etc..he has been there twice but offers no maintainance to sons...
He feels the boys head with 'horrible' storys about me..totally untrue....to make him appear good...
I hate him..
Manipulative
Charming
Loved it when i was depressed too
Isolated me
Lazy
addicted to computer game..(runescape)
sexually abusive..called me lesbian if I didnt want sex...
left me out of conversations if daughters visited

Wasted so many years with him...feel angry that I did...but had two boys ...so wasn't easy to escape....
52...have a big mortgage....but would rather be where I am now than stuck in that bloody misery!

Wish he would just disappear to Japan!!

runforestrun Fri 28-Dec-12 09:35:32

Just had the courage to leave him so thought this might be good therapy seeing it wrote down

Texting another women - when asked if he was would lie and say no

Would call me a disapointment if I reacted to something he said which I took as rude or disrepectful

Would tell me he only was friends with people for what he could gain from them ( strangely enough he had no friends )

During sex he just wanted someone who would lie there - not move or make a sound - too distracting otherwise - and he said it means he is not dominant otherwise and its a turn-off

He was almost obsessed with knowing about my past partners , and when I would tell him he would then use it against me saying "you said so and so was good at this so why not go be with him" etc , he bloody asked so I got so fed up of him pushing I'd tell him the truth!

Couldn't show any affection when out. He had never held anyones hand before meeting me - he's 50 !

I once joked about Valentines day - asked nicely and with a smile on my face " are you going to get me a card?" I was told that made me high maintenance and he would not be told that he had to buy me something! wtf

I walked to fast

He threw my things away

Would call me 'woman'

Wouldnt talk to my family if we went round, but bump into exes family and he was the sweetest man you'd ever met!?!

He would emotionally shut me out if reacted to anything, I should just be happy and tow the line.

I will never understand how his ex stayed with him for 15yrs. Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me !

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 08:33:14

That's the one lady

Thank you so much, I've just emailed it to my sister. She has put up with so much crap from this absolute tosser but is reluctant to end it because she can't face having "the difficult conversation"

deleted203 Fri 28-Dec-12 02:34:12

'Rubber banding' would be my red flag - ExDH would sneer at me, belittle me or be really cold - ignoring me for days so that I was confused and didn't know what I had done. Just when I would begin to get really pissed off and angry and think, 'OK this is it - I don't need this shit any more' he would suddenly be ok again and do something nice or thoughful and I would think, 'oh...life's ok again, he didn't mean it. Perhaps he was having a bad time at work'.

It was as though he would let me out on a piece of elastic to a certain point and then just when it got to snapping point would reel me back in again.

I would NEVER again be with someone who manipulated my feelings like this. He had to be in control of everything and constantly playing mind games. It is draining and leaves you feeling as though you are mad and the unreasonable one.

ladyWordy Fri 28-Dec-12 01:48:24
ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 00:30:06

Ps Merry Christmas xxx

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 00:28:55

Hi everyone, I hope you have all had a good Christmas.

Does anyone still have a link to the "ways to spot a loser" article. My sister is dating a real twunt and she knows she needs to end it but will not believe it until she has seen it in black and white. We have been on the phone for 2 hrs an she is feeling awful. I recognise so many of the red flags, thanks to mumsnet. My sister was astounded when I pointed out how many of his behaviours show his way of taking control.

I have googled it but got about a million results and scrolled through the last thread but can't find it.

Please can someone post a link so I can send it to my sister and make her dump the toxic arse.

Thank you xxx

CharlotteCollinsislost Tue 27-Nov-12 20:24:28

Oh, so pleased about the girls. Hope the allegations against your ds are quickly dealt with.

TisILeclerc Tue 27-Nov-12 20:15:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

froggies Tue 27-Nov-12 18:27:14

The girls are coming home tomorrow!!! Down side is DS has to go stay with a friend until all of the allegations against him are cleared :-(

Back in court in 2 weeks.

mamakoula Tue 27-Nov-12 03:54:33

Flags -

denial of conversations
constantly changing goals
undermining
refusing to acknowledge contributions
refusal to make use of expertise and knowledge
creating chaos
causing conflict with peers
isolating
unfulfilled promises
telling me about previous 'problems' and then doing this to me
reassigning work
constantly changing my assigned duties and work
refusing to document
mocking and diminshing me
compulsive lying
accusations against my personal and professional self
insisting he knew me and understood me better than myself
projection and gaslighting

mamakoula Tue 27-Nov-12 03:47:44

I will probably put my foot in it or say something wrong but I want to thank all of you who post here.

I was in an abusive relationship. Not a romantic one but one at work.

Ultimately, regardless of the relationship there are similarities between them whether it is a romantic/familial/friend/work relationship. Certain fundamentals apply across the board e.g respect, honesty, integrity, a desire to work together.

I am still working through the damage caused to my personal and professional self. I now have PTSD. I have lurked on a number of threads for a bit band I have to say that reading about emotional abuse and how you have all come through or are dealing with the aftermath has given me strength and also some understanding of what I have dealt with.

You are all tremendous and inspiring.

A careful and thoughtful book would be unbelievable. You have all been so generous with your experience.

xxx

thanks

ShakiestDude Tue 27-Nov-12 00:21:29

froggies what a terrible story. I wish you all the very best, what a twat!

I didn't find out until I moved in with my ex that his xw (although they weren't actually divorced) had lied to him about debts and their old house had actually been repossessed. He didn't tell me this until I had moved in, then found out he was in £30 k of debt an still married. fucker angry

This is the only thread I ever,ever swear on, it just makes my blood boil that we have been treated like this and makes me want to protect every woman from feeling the same. angry

froggies Mon 26-Nov-12 22:20:40

Thanks. I was allowed to speak to them for another 4minutes this evening :-(

Finding it hard to be optimistic as although the PF has said DS does not need to appear in court and all restrictions have been lifted, he hasn't made a final decision so it hasn't been written off completely yet. Worried that the sheriff will continue it again until the PF has made final decision, which could still be weeks, or I might have to ask DS to move out so that I can get DD's away from ex.

But once this is all finished, and when I am eventually in a position to do so, I will be a massive supporter / fund raiser whatever I can do-er for Women's Aid. They have been amazing. (and I might post a leaflet to his new wife)

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