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sex after a baby need some advice please : (

(27 Posts)
TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 09:02:01

I've named changed as i feel embarrased writing this I dont know why : (

I recently had a baby (18 weeks ago) am i normal in not wanting sex?
My birth was not a great experience, i was induced but it took days of constant examinations (11 in total if i remeber right) before i actually gave birth, which was not that bad as i didnt have any stiches just a tear (which im greatful for).

Before getting discharged from the hospital spoke to midwife who said it was advised not to have sex until 6 weeks after, which i was happy about as i would be able to rest and enjoy new baby without thinking about having to have sex. Partner was ok at first and agreed, but 2 weeks after was hinting that he was horny, i eventually gave in even though i had wanted to wait until 6 weeks.

since then it has been a battle for me to get in the mood for sex, I just don't feel like doing it, right now i feel i could be happy for the next few months to not have sex. I am breast feeding ( well mixed feeding) and that still feels different to me, but it seems that because i have gone back to my old figure and that we have a really good baby, that i should somehow be expected to have sex. sad

The thing is my partner says i lack in showing him affection, i was never really the kissing type (we do kiss though) he wants us to lie in bed and 'just' kiss. He always says "I can't beleive my girlfriend doesn't want to kiss me". The thing is its not 'just' a kiss though its a kiss which leads to him rubbing me and him getting aroused, when i just dont want sex.

Same thing happens every morning before he gets ready for work he wants to 'hug' me in bed (this is at 4am as he leaves work for 5am) but like above its not just a hug and kiss good bye its him rubbing me and him getting aroused. This gets me angry as i am tired (DD usually wakes up once in the night usually when Partner gets ready for work) and i dont want to have sex, its nowhere on my mind.
Yet again we argued this morning as from his words "my girlfriend doesnt want to give me a hug." When I say it never is just a hug he says thats all he wants. confused but it isn't! its soo fustrating.

I Love him but this is starting to get me down as i am now thinking is it only me? am i weirdly different? Were a Young couple (im 21 hes 25) , so my Partner feels like were in our 'prime' and we should be having sex. His friends Partner recently had a baby and hes been told that they are having sex, so i guess i feel even more presseured. sad

I am usually very outspoken and stand my ground but this issue is getting to me.

Thanks for reading this if you have as its a jumbled mess. x
(I know MN dosen't do kisses blush )

OxfordBags Wed 14-Nov-12 12:24:53

<blushes>

Offred Wed 14-Nov-12 13:20:58

I'm not saying or meaning to imply you need to justify why you don't want to have sex btw just to answer Cailin's point. But if you are in a relationship and not communicating properly sometimes a person genuinely does not understand all the feelings you are keeping to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable talking to him that is bad, when you told him you felt forced his reaction, IMHO, shows that he may not be capable of not abusing you because he clearly does not understand that what he did was sexual abuse/rape and what that means, he has simply carried on sexpesting after.

As hildebrand says if you speak to him and he doesn't take your feelings into account (either because he is horrible OR because he just doesnt understand) then that means he is an abuser and not safe to be with. He has done that one time already from your further post so you could take from that enough information to decide you aren't safe with him or you could choose to test it further by explicitly explaining exactly how you are feeling and why and expecting that he respects you. Ultimately if he won't respect you you would be vastly better off apart but also don't fall into the trap of feeling like you need "reasons" - reasons to refuse sex, reasons for unhappiness, reasons to end the relationship, if someone makes you unhappy or afraid why not leave them?

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