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sex after a baby need some advice please : (

(27 Posts)
TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 09:02:01

I've named changed as i feel embarrased writing this I dont know why : (

I recently had a baby (18 weeks ago) am i normal in not wanting sex?
My birth was not a great experience, i was induced but it took days of constant examinations (11 in total if i remeber right) before i actually gave birth, which was not that bad as i didnt have any stiches just a tear (which im greatful for).

Before getting discharged from the hospital spoke to midwife who said it was advised not to have sex until 6 weeks after, which i was happy about as i would be able to rest and enjoy new baby without thinking about having to have sex. Partner was ok at first and agreed, but 2 weeks after was hinting that he was horny, i eventually gave in even though i had wanted to wait until 6 weeks.

since then it has been a battle for me to get in the mood for sex, I just don't feel like doing it, right now i feel i could be happy for the next few months to not have sex. I am breast feeding ( well mixed feeding) and that still feels different to me, but it seems that because i have gone back to my old figure and that we have a really good baby, that i should somehow be expected to have sex. sad

The thing is my partner says i lack in showing him affection, i was never really the kissing type (we do kiss though) he wants us to lie in bed and 'just' kiss. He always says "I can't beleive my girlfriend doesn't want to kiss me". The thing is its not 'just' a kiss though its a kiss which leads to him rubbing me and him getting aroused, when i just dont want sex.

Same thing happens every morning before he gets ready for work he wants to 'hug' me in bed (this is at 4am as he leaves work for 5am) but like above its not just a hug and kiss good bye its him rubbing me and him getting aroused. This gets me angry as i am tired (DD usually wakes up once in the night usually when Partner gets ready for work) and i dont want to have sex, its nowhere on my mind.
Yet again we argued this morning as from his words "my girlfriend doesnt want to give me a hug." When I say it never is just a hug he says thats all he wants. confused but it isn't! its soo fustrating.

I Love him but this is starting to get me down as i am now thinking is it only me? am i weirdly different? Were a Young couple (im 21 hes 25) , so my Partner feels like were in our 'prime' and we should be having sex. His friends Partner recently had a baby and hes been told that they are having sex, so i guess i feel even more presseured. sad

I am usually very outspoken and stand my ground but this issue is getting to me.

Thanks for reading this if you have as its a jumbled mess. x
(I know MN dosen't do kisses blush )

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 09:06:29

You need to listen to your partner when he says he needs affection. He needs to listen to you when you say you don't want kissing to escalate into full sex. What other people are or aren't doing is immaterial.

CailinDana Wed 14-Nov-12 09:09:59

Sweetheart, you do NOT have to have sex. You DO NOT have to have an excuse to turn down sex. All you need it to say no. No matter what happens, no matter how aroused anyone is, no matter whether you're half way through, it is is entirely up to you when you have sex and a partner who doesn't recognise that is an utter utter shit.

I am so sorry for you that you were relieved at what the MW said because you wouldn't have to think about "having to have sex." NO ONE has to have sex. NO ONE. Sex is entirely a choice. It is YOUR choice.

You should only only only have sex when you want it. I'm sorry to say it but what happened two weeks after your lovely baby was born was rape. Being coerced into sex when you don't really want it is rape.

A loving partner will never ever pressure their loved one into sex. Never. Your baby is still tiny and it is totally normal not to want sex. But even if it wasn't "normal", even if every couple in the world was bonking ten minutes after delivery, you would still be entirely entitled to say no. You always have that option.

It is your body and you decide what happens to it.

Do you agree?

Offred Wed 14-Nov-12 09:18:40

I (again) agree with cog. I think your partner needs to make it clear whether he means affection or sex too. The affection and trust is being destroyed by his constant attempts to progress to full sex, has been damaged by pressuring you into full sex before you were ready and he needs to stop doing this. I think you need to be absolutely clear about how you feel and that, if it is the case, you are in need of some time to physically, mentally and emotionally come to terms with the birth and being a mother before you can manage sex. I don't think sexual desire is different between sexes and I don't think people should attempt to tell you all the crap about women needing intimacy to have sex and men building intimacy through sex, what is different about men and women in this context is the pregnancy and birth. I think in heterosexual penetrative sex a woman is expected to give up control of her body which is then invaded, this can be pleasurable or harmful and pregnancy an birth often affect desire temporarily because they also contain elements of loss of control and invasion. Having sex when you don't want to will make your bad feelings last longer and grow stronger whatever the reason behind them. In order to maintain the quality and longevity of your sexual relationship I think your partner needs to invest some time and space now and you need to be able to communicate better. I have an extremely low opinion of people who use coercion to force an unwilling partner into unwanted sex and your partner needs to realise this is domestic violence.

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 09:19:18

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
Cogito Its true what you say I guess I have been avoiding being affectionate because it seems to always have to lead to other things.

CailinDana
your post made me cry, its just soo good to hear im not being unreasonable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 09:27:41

I recommend talking to your partner in the cool light of day... not waiting until you're in bed together in other words... about the difference between 'love', 'affection' and 'sex'. You can explain that you love him and you want to be affectionate but you're not ready for sex and he has to respect that. If he struggles with this, gets annoyed, sarcastic and/or starts to tell you that Fanny up the road had sex five minutes after popping a sprog or whatever... then you tell him to grow up.

CailinDana Wed 14-Nov-12 09:28:12

I am not at all surprised that you don't want to be affectionate with your partner, not after how he's behaved.

He is not being honest about his intentions when he "hugs" you, and naturally you clench up because of having been coerced in the past.

What was your sex life like before the baby?

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 09:38:50

I think you need to be absolutely clear about how you feel and that, if it is the case, you are in need of some time to physically, mentally and emotionally come to terms with the birth and being a mother before you can manage sex

Offred your right, I need to be really clear about how i feel as when he wants sex i say im tired or not in the mood i think we need to communicate better, i need to let him know i need to come to terms with the birth and being a mother.

I did tell him that I felt forced into having sex 2 weeks after giving birth, he said he was really sorry, bought me flowers and left me for a few weeks but then started again.

sorry if take long between posts, feeding DD.

CailinDana Wed 14-Nov-12 09:43:08

In a rare turn of events I disagree with Offred. You don't have to be clear about why you don't want sex. It should be enough just to say "No, I'm not in the mood." If you actually have to explain to him that you're tired (who isn't, with such a young baby) then you're justifying something that you don't need to justify. Besides you've already told him you felt forced and that didn't do the trick so what more can you say?

CailinDana Wed 14-Nov-12 09:46:50

Basically what I'm trying to say that it's not your duty to have sex. You don't have to present a sick note and five types of evidence to "get out of it." In a normal, loving relationship there are peaks and troughs in sex, and post baby is usually one of the massive troughs. It should be possible to hug and kiss and for there to be no pressure. Your partner should see that you're just not up for it. He might feel there is a lack of affection, fair enough, but he needs to grow up and understand that you have a lot on your plate and that given time that will all come back.

Does he do his fair share with the baby?

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 09:47:51

CailinDana
before we moved in together we had sex quite a lot, i would go and stay with him for a few days then go home. (i was was at college)

after we moved in together we had sex but not as often ill say about 2 - 3 times a week but i was more tired as i was working 39 hours a week with a long -ish commute.

Cogito
I wish i could just come out and say it, but i find it hard to talk about my feelings without clamming up. It feels like theres a lump in my throat and i cant get the words out. Would writing a letter have an effect?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 14-Nov-12 09:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 14-Nov-12 09:57:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop Wed 14-Nov-12 09:57:31

Your partner doesn't seem to take your feelings into account at all, yet sulks when you don't do what he wants you to do. It sounds very one-sided.

And by the age of 25 he really should have grow out of the stage of saying "X is allowed to do this, so why can't I?" I don't even tolerate with that attitude from my children, and the eldest is only 12.

It's worrying that he keeps referring to you as "my girlfriend" in this context, as though you're a possession rather than a person.

Despite what your partner is trying to make you believe, your feelings are perfectly normal and valid. You may be 4 years younger than him but you sound far more mature than he does.

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:01:38

I do feel a bit like that tbh like i have to give a reason, which i know I shouldn't have to. He does help with the baby, when hes here, but I had to tell him recently that he needed to stay at home more because he was going out at least every 2days.
He does need to grow up, I know I couldnt be with him if he continued like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 10:06:09

"i find it hard to talk about my feelings without clamming up"

That's not a healthy sign in a long-term relationship. If you can't talk about your feelings with your life-partner, who can you? I think it's part of the growing process to learn how to express yourself confidently, assertively and unambiguously. Now that you're a mum, it's not just yourself you have to stand up for, of course. Write a letter as a prompt by all means but take a deep breath and say it out loud.... otherwise this man will continue to steamroller you about sex and probably other serious matters.

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:13:21

hildebrandisgettinghappier
I did notice you were talking about your Ex sad
I feel like i want to give him a chance to change, because we are generally happy and love eachother, but like you said it depends on his reaction if he cant change then i would deffinately have to leave him. I know it would hurt but i wouldnt want to be in a relationship like that.

coppertop
I hate it when he says "my girlfriend" i actually cringe at that, it does sound like im his possesion and i hate that. Thats deffinately something he needs to stop doing.
all these points are going to help me with what i want to write down thanks all x

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:25:38

Cogito
Its weird i am usually outspoken, I alway beleive its better to say things face to face then by text or email.
I will write my feelings down so its not all jumbled up, then get the courage to tell him (without him interupting me).

OxfordBags Wed 14-Nov-12 10:29:39

My girlfriend doesn't want to do this, my girlfriend doesn't want to do that... Why isn't what his girlfriend DOES want to do what matters to him?

He sounds like one of those pathetic manchilds (manchildren?!) who view their children as competition for their partner's attention and affection. Bfing can lower your sex drive - but nothing lowers it as quickly and thoroughly as a selfish, thoughtless, immature partner pestering you for sex, and especially basically just going on at you until you give in (which is a form of assault IMO).

What sort of total cunt wakes their partner up for 'cuddles' at stupid oclock in the morning, whether they have kids or not?! And the fact you have a small, nursing baby just makes it so much worse. Why is everything about him and his needs, the stroking of his monstrously selfish and immature ego?! (NOT an euphemism)

Cailin is right, you need no excuse to refuse sex. Your age is irrelevant.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 10:31:22

Don't worry. You wouldn't be the first person that is assertive everywhere else but with a partner. Unlike strangers or work colleagues etc, there's a lot of emotional investment with a partner, you've chosen to live with them, and sometimes it feels like it's easier to make allowances, back down & keep the peace. You shouldn't need 'courage' to talk to the person who is supposed to love you. That's normally how you would approach someone intimidating. You should always be able to be yourself, say what you mean and do what you want without worrying about their reaction. Just bear that in mind.

AThingInYourLife Wed 14-Nov-12 10:38:42

Fuck his need for affection!

He pressured you to have sex with him against medical advice?

What a scummy, selfish bastard.

TheIssue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:50:54

OxfordBags
His sulking and immature behaviour does put me off much more manchild does seem a good word to describe him.

Cogito
You seem to write everything that I am feeling and you're right again I shouldn't need courage I should be able to approach him and tell him my feelings, I am not usually intimidated by him.

I feel much better just writing this all down and actually telling someone, I cant really talk to my sister as she will just throw this back in my face some how.

I need to get ready now that DD has fallen asleep, will check back again.

Thank you everyone, in this short time this thread has actually made me feel so much better, i will take all the points given to me to help get my feelings across. thanks x

anklebitersmum Wed 14-Nov-12 10:52:00

I'd write it down and give it to him. Tell him what an absolute arse he's being. He is being an arse by the way.

You have just had a baby, your whole body has changed and you're hormonal and tired. However that doesn't really matter. YOU don't want to. For any real man that would be enough.

We had a dog that did leg shagging. He got sprayed with water and when he didn't pack in we neutered him. wink
There is nothing turns a woman off faster than a bloke doing the 'dog shagging leg' type pestering.

If you get on with your health visitor is it possible to talk to her and get her to 'have a little chat with him' ? My midwife had a chat with my DH just in case he had plans shock It did mean we had a laugh talked about it though.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 14-Nov-12 10:53:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anklebitersmum Wed 14-Nov-12 10:54:47

and ditto everything Oxford said too

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