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Husband having an affair - practical advice needed

(61 Posts)
Jellybellydancer Tue 13-Nov-12 22:51:13

I've discovered tonight that my husband is having an affair with a women at my sons school.

He is denying it but I have 100% proof. I took my son away from the house and went back to discuss it with him. He'd gone and wouldn't answer the phone. I assume he is with her. She is also married.

Where do I go from here? I do not want to try again with him, this is the lowest of the low in my opinion.

I can't face her day in day out so I feel like I need to change my sons school. But why should I ? Is there anything I can do?

I'm also worried that my H will take my son when I'm at work and not answer the phone again. can I do anything to stop this ? I want to take him in tomorrow as he was so upset after hearing us fighting.

There has been a long line of shitty behaviour and it is definitely the final piece in the puzzle. I'm feeling very calm but not sure if it'll last when I next see or speak to him.

Thanks for any help - I usually lurk on these boards.

jelly how are you? You haven't updated for a while. Are you ok?

Because they will rationalise their behaviour to themselves.

Don't forget, he's had a lot longer to do this than you.

It will be all your fault (in his eyes) - if you had been more attentive, mosre sexual, more this, more that. He wouldn't have to seek solace with someone else of course.

I snorted a bit about the talking about having sex. Really? They sat and had a chat and drew some diagrams did they. hmm

So he was fingering her while her innocent child slept upstairs, and her husband worked away from his son to keep a roof over their heads, and you took care of his DS alone in the house. Well that sounds so much better, doesn't it?

Don't listen to the bullshit, cut him out, raise your dignity levels and seek solace in your lovely mum.

Get some sleep and food in you. You don't want your DS to see you becoming ill.X

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 22:29:31

What is wrong with these men binfull? I just cannot see how those types of actions don't feel really sleazy.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 22:27:49

Objectively I cannot see why you would arrange to have sex and not go through with it. The story took ages to come out too, first just a cuddle, then a kiss, then just talking about having sex, then sexual touching. So in all likelihood there is more, I just don't have the energy to talk to him anymore tonight.

My calm rational mum just called him and I heard quite a bit of shouting from her end. I think the penny is finally dropping with how awful this is going to be for him.

Do you believe that story, op?

My ex went on Adult Friend Finder just to look because I was neglecting him.

Then I found a letter to someone one there. The next story was that it was just a letter, he wasn't going to go through with it.

Then I found out it was all bull and he was of course, up to all sorts.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:44

A mutual friend offered to take my ds each morning. I said no and she could take her dd. based on the fact that I'm not the one in the wrong and I'm not prepared to act like I am.

Do I believe he hasn't gone further? Not sure, the betrayal is bigger than sex though when it came to her, and he knew that.

I will keep my dignity if I do see her, she knows to keep away from me anyway.

We'll see what tomorrow brings anyway.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:37:46

Oh dear this is not going to go well.

Not sure how she is going to "make arrangements for her child to be taken into school" on any kind of long term basis.

Do you actually believe your H?

Please don't rage if you see her. It will only put you in the wrong.

The person you should be raging about is your H.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 21:30:13

Well he has admitted it now. He had suggested having a friend take my ds to reception and Id said no. Apparently it went as far as sexual touching but not full sex. Not sure whether I believe that yet. He says its over between them too.

Apparently they'd discuss having sex but it just hadn't happened. He was there for 3 hours on Monday and he definitely prepped himself for sex but I don't think I'm going to get anymore information out of him now.

I've told him I won't tell her H as long as she is aware that I now know and she makes arrangements for her child to be taken in to school. Then i can return to dropping my ds in the playground. If she doesn't agree I will tell her H.

I don't think he'll be violent towards me again. He is broken. Nothing less than he deserves. I feel very calm now. Maybe that's because I know or maybe tomorrow will be another struggle.

I'm sure if I see her ill be full of rage.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 14-Nov-12 20:06:19

and yes you should tell the OW's DH - just provide him with the facts and leave it to him to decide what to do next.

QueenieLovesEels Wed 14-Nov-12 20:02:37

I think you would do very well to report the assault to the police. If he looses his job as a consequence, tough. Not your problem.

By doing this you can then press for an order to have him removed from the house.

He sounds unstable.

Tell the other partner too and get that over with. She may well then have to move her children as a consequence of her behaviour or she may have to move away. The school issue will then be resolved......

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 19:55:55

And by the way, you need to make it clear to the school that the OW does not have parental responsibility and you have not agreed to her doing any pick-ups.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 19:54:43

Very sad for you OP.

If he is talking about contact time with the DC you might mention that means time spent with him, not his current gf. Do read the background advice I posted above before you see a solicitor. I know you're in bits at the moment so it might be difficult to focus, but please call the police if there is any more pushing, shoving or kicking.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 14-Nov-12 19:39:41

Wait til your solicitor appointment - you need to get advice about getting him out. But your sanity is important so you may want to start looking around for somewhere to rent.

In the meantime, try to get someone staying with you as he sounds unstable and the violence worries me as well as his entitled attitude - treating his DC as a possession.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 19:22:41

When I was asking where my phone was he said why would I take it, you need it for the school to contact you. Then he said you need to stop all these accusations; first I'm having an affair, then I've taken your phone. You need to sort yourself out. He said he did it because I was going to take my ds from school then because I wanted to leave him, now he doesn't know why.

Yes my family and friends know, I need support and then there is no chance ill change my mind because he's been so abhorrent.

I need to think about whether its a good idea to stay in the house. I can't deal with this unpredictable behaviour.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 14-Nov-12 19:12:28

Bloody hell - hiding your phone in his car and then "losing" the car keys.

Men like him often get really angry because they have been caught and also because their plans are falling apart.

Have you told family/friends? They need to know the situation and I would try and get someone to stay with you in the house.

The fact that he has been shitty prior to discovery does not surprise me either - he must have been a selfish entitled and argumentative prick to live with.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 19:05:28

She is a parent but she is also a teacher at the school next door.

I've not managed to eat in 24 hours now, I am a bit of a state in person. He just hid my phone for some reason, then made out like I was going crazy. I found it with findmyiphone in his car, he also then 'lost' his car keys. Don't see what he was trying to achieve with that.

Imperial yes he has been pretty shitty before this, I had actually asked for some space to work out whether we had a relationship worth salvaging. He has been putting pressure on me to give him another chance right up until Sunday.. Clearly hedging his bets by lining up someone else too.

Haven't got to the bottom about what he said to the school. He made a big deal about her picking up and how I cannot dictate she couldn't. It may have been about that as I had to give pick up and drop off details for the rest of the week.He also was cross because I'd mentioned wanted to move his school. I know he has spoken to someone for legal advise on that today.

BerylStreep Wed 14-Nov-12 18:19:58

Poor you. Your H doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Personally, I would report the assault to the police. You don't need to follow through with a prosecution if you don't want to.

It sounds like your H is fully prepared to use your DS as a pawn to get at you. What on earth was he discussing with the school today?

Can you clarify, is the OW a parent or an employee at the school?

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 14-Nov-12 16:52:31

What a bastard. He's effectively admitting the affair with his reactions.

CremeEggThief Wed 14-Nov-12 16:15:05

What a pair of selfish, life-wrecking twats angry.

Let them get on with wrecking each other's life, I say.... You already know you are SO much better off without him. wine

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 14-Nov-12 15:55:46

Blimey - what a real twat he is, insisting on HER doing the school run for your DC.

He really is in self denial - sometimes I think they lie so much that they start believing their own lies hmm

Stay strong - you sound amazing and you and DC will do fine on your own.

Be prepared though for things to hit you once the andrenaline rush has worn off - you will need lots of RL support then.

ImperialBlether Wed 14-Nov-12 15:47:25

Who is the woman? Is she another parent or does she work at the school?

How horrible for you. You sound incredibly strong and positive - is this because he's shown himself up to be a twat before this?

Hmmm so he's insistent he's not having an affair with her, but he seems to have randomly taken her side by insisting she is still in your lives, and covering for her in school....

If I was that upset about a woman getting in the way of my marriage, and my husband was the innocent party he would distance himself so hard and fast from the other woman she wouldn't know what hit her.

So why isn't he acting like the most important thing here is his marriage.....

Spree Wed 14-Nov-12 14:39:04

Did you tell or show the OW's H the evidence yet?

I'm all for telling the other party as if other H knew, you'd want him to tell you, wouldn't you?

At this stage, the more honesty on the table, you shouldn't have to be party to or keep the lies going for them.

Be strong, use your anger to put things in place and when you have some down moments and need to grieve, that's part and parcel of the process too.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 14:15:19

You might find this helpful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 14:08:50

Thank you all so much for all the good advice.

I've been to the bank this morning and my account is now frozen, taken some money out first to ensure I'm OK for a while. I'll let him know tomorrow when it should be done.

I have a solicitors appointment on Tuesday.

I did see him this morning, initially he was still adamant that she should pick up my ds today. I made it very clear that it was not to happen and she was not to be in the house ever again, otherwise I would make his and her life hell. I think he has finally taken that on board. (although I might have lost that moral high ground for a minute!)

He went to the school and had a meeting with them without telling me, I was pretty furious about that especially when he informed me that he'd tell me how it would work going forward. I did go in for a 30 min chat too and I've arranged to collect and drop my ds at reception in the morning rather than the playground. Apparently I'm selfish for doing this, he said I only have to see her for 2 minutes in the morning... I think that demonstrates his emotional intelligence.

The school know about the violence, they've told SS who will be in contact with me (not him) I did think about calling the police last night, but I didn't want to upset my son anymore than I had to. I also didn't want him to lose his job. I can comfort myself with being the bigger person here!

Anyway, I've also spoken to another school we all liked that he has friends at, they will have a place in January. So it'll give me a couple of months to calm down and consider what is the best thing to do.

He is still denying the affair but I don't need anymore proof. I just am glad I know and now move on without feeling guilty, or that I'm destroying our family life. He did that.

In the words of Beyonce I'm a survivor smile

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