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Husband having an affair - practical advice needed

(61 Posts)
Jellybellydancer Tue 13-Nov-12 22:51:13

I've discovered tonight that my husband is having an affair with a women at my sons school.

He is denying it but I have 100% proof. I took my son away from the house and went back to discuss it with him. He'd gone and wouldn't answer the phone. I assume he is with her. She is also married.

Where do I go from here? I do not want to try again with him, this is the lowest of the low in my opinion.

I can't face her day in day out so I feel like I need to change my sons school. But why should I ? Is there anything I can do?

I'm also worried that my H will take my son when I'm at work and not answer the phone again. can I do anything to stop this ? I want to take him in tomorrow as he was so upset after hearing us fighting.

There has been a long line of shitty behaviour and it is definitely the final piece in the puzzle. I'm feeling very calm but not sure if it'll last when I next see or speak to him.

Thanks for any help - I usually lurk on these boards.

BabylonPI Tue 13-Nov-12 22:54:04

Hand holding until some good advice arrives - sorry you're having to deal with this sad

Jellybellydancer Tue 13-Nov-12 22:59:22

Thanks Babylon. I don't think I can sleep tonight. My little boy is next to me and I was already feeling like I couldn't take much more shit from him.

How he can ignore me I don't know.

He is such a fucking idiot, told me he was going to the gym last night but before he went took a shower, trimmed his body hair and went out stinking of aftershave. Such a fucking dickhead.

I wish I never had to see or speak to him again.

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:00:50

Regarding the OW and school, could you talk to school about it and explain the issue and see what they say? I know that our Headmistress wouldnt be at all sympathetic, but the school secretary (who has the real power!) would be, and would facilitate office drop offs either early or late.

If you are genuinely concerned that he may abduct your son, then can you take the rest of the week as sick and see a solicitor to prevent that? I think it is unlikely that he will tbh, but we do all think the worst in these situations. If he wanted your son so badly then he wouldnt have left the house so meekly.

And dont assume he is with her. She may not have planned to leave her husband and may be horrified at the thought of them running off into the sunset together. To her it could well have been a bit of fun and knowing that her world could be about to come crashing down may well have her battening down the hatches and cutting all contact.

In fact, fingers crossed, he has just found himself out on his ear by both of you. Let hope eh?

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:02:14

Oh and please be prepared for the "I am so sorry, I only left because I knew you wanted me to, I love you, can we try again?" when he realises that he has totally fucked everything up.

Thinking of you xxx

raskolnikov Tue 13-Nov-12 23:05:21

So sorry to hear about this - does the woman work at the school or is she a parent?

I'm inclined to think you should speak to the school immediately and make it clear that he must not be allowed to take your DS out of school without your permission. How old is your DS?

Also I would be determined to stay at the school. She should be the one that can't face you day in day out, not the other way round.

Also speak to a solicitor first thing tomorrow about access arrangements.

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:09:26

you should speak to the school immediately and make it clear that he must not be allowed to take your DS out of school without your permission.

The school arent allowed to prevent him unless there are child protection protocols in place. He has parental responsibility, which means that he has as much right to pick them up as the OP does, which is why she needs to take legal advice if she thinks that abduction is a genuine risk.

I agree that she should be the one who cant face the OP, but I would also be aware of the fact that neither child is at fault here and made to suffer. What the solution is....dont know sad

raskolnikov Tue 13-Nov-12 23:13:48

And I agree with Bogey that the two of them being together could be the last thing on OW's mind.

If the school can't help then I'd keep him at home until you can get professional advice to protect your position.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 13-Nov-12 23:18:12

In April I discovered that now ExH was having an affair with a mother I was friendly with whose DD was in the same class as my DD. I am afraid I have no solution I have considered moving DD to a different school, but along with all the other change DD is very distressed at the idea of leaving her friends. I hate going to school in fact I try to avoid it. I use drop and run in the mornings and all kind of tactics to avoid her in the playground. Our situation is very complicated with the OW seeming to be having a public relationship with both ExH and her H!!!
School have accommodated me with alternative parents meetings and I take a 'bodyguard' friend with me to events as OW is very brazen and I wouldn't put it past her to approach if I was alone.
So all I can offer is sympathy and hand holding.

So sorry you are going through this. Are you absolutely sure it's this woman, not a work colleague for example.

Why would your husband take your son, and why? Does he have somewhere else to go? Does he have a history of irrational behaviour around your DS?

I agree you need to take some time off. You can't work in this condition.

Your husband needs to speak to you to make future arrangements. His behaviour is very childish.

You have done nothing wrong, go into school and hold your head high. Wouldn't it be possible for the school to call you if he does turn up? Even if they can't stop him?

Give your DS a big cuddle. Stay strong. X

Jellybellydancer Tue 13-Nov-12 23:38:44

Honestly she can have him. I'm gutted he did this, I didn't think he could hurt me anymore than he already had but he managed to sink lower.

He also hurt me when I took his phone, it's my phone on my contract. When I wouldn't give it back he pushed and kicked me. I'm not bruised or anything but my son heard which is why I took him out. Another reason for me never to go back.

I think he'd take my son because he'd think he'd have the right to. They have a good relationship. I drop him in the mornings and he collects him, along with some child share in fact she gets my son once a week at the moment. Not anymore obviously.

I think he'll be with her as her H works away in the week.

Thanks for all the support and help. Ill definitely speak to his teacher tomorrow

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:48:23

Oh he is one with "rights" is he?

Well dont worry, that will soon stop when he realises that along with rights come responsibilities. Your first communication with him should include what he intends to pay for child support and what you will allow him in terms of access until you have it agreed legally.

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:48:59

Do you have contact details for her H?.....................do I need to go on.............?

Bogeyface Tue 13-Nov-12 23:49:55

And your main issue should be legal help. The teachers cant do much other than support you and your DC, you need legal advice asap

I would go and see a solicitor tomorrow , use your anger to be proactive and make arrangements. A prohibited steps order might be appropriate, see what advice you get.

It all sounds awful and I am not sure that I could stay at the same school but that is just my opinion and it seems unfair that you should have to move. Early days though, thinking of you.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 00:09:50

Thanks everyone. Bogey face am tracking his contact details down, I don't know my motivation for telling and maybe it's the wrong thing to do but I am going to let him know in a factual way.

Yes I'm 100% sure it is this women, I had to speak to him a couple of years ago about her inappropriate behaviour towards him and how uncomfortable it made me feel. This has been the only time I felt uncomfortable with another women's behaviour towards him, and we can both be a bit flirty.

I think he would take him just because he would think he has as much right as I do. His family are 200 miles away but not abroad or anything. I'm not worried he'd take him for the long term but he may do it just to spite me for a few days. He does have a history of irrational behaviour more towards me than my son though. (He's 5)

Lonecat- sorry to hear you've been though this too. Thanks for the tips, I think ill drop him later in the morning for a while and see what happens. Do you feel time is healing or is it still difficult?

The worst part isn't the affair, it's going to be the fall out from this, why couldn't he have just picked a random.

skyebluesapphire Wed 14-Nov-12 00:10:51

I know my school said that they couldnt stop STBXH from taking her from school as he is her father. It takes an injunction to stop him (not that I had any need to, I was just asking).

matthew2002smum Wed 14-Nov-12 00:24:19

Do not take your son out of school, neither of you have done anything wrong. Just ask a mate to go into the school with you in the morning so in case if this woman tries to talk to you there is someone to look after you. A womans instinct is normally spot on but I would point out that telling her husband isnt going to be a good idea as you may not get the response you would expect, however if someone else does thats different...good luck. Try to sleep as everything feels clearer in the morning.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 00:45:11

Thanks Matthews mum. My plan was to show him the evidence, he can come to his own conclusion like I have. I'm not usually the ranty type and wouldn't be with him, I am aware he doesn't deserve this either. But if I don't tell him they'll be playing happy families whilst he is working away all week. That doesn't sit well with me either.

I'm sure they'll be painting me to be a loon to him anyway, can't see what else they can do. I'm pretty sure my H knows me well enough to know I won't keep quiet. I'm not the one in the wrong and I will not act like I'm ashamed.

Bogeyface Wed 14-Nov-12 01:47:14

I'm not the one in the wrong and I will not act like I'm ashamed.

Hold that thought xx

I agree. Hold your head high. Dignity is all. You and ds are going to be fine.

Want2bSupermum Wed 14-Nov-12 03:57:56

If it were me I would call my parents and have a close friend look after my child while I saw a solicitor first thing tomorrow.

What I would be doing right now is opening up a bank account in my own name (if you don't have one already) and moving all joint funds into your name. Keep half back as it does belong to him but have him approach you for the funds. After all you need the money to ensure bills are paid as he will need to move out of the family home.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 05:57:28

Can I insist he moves out ? I have family close by and he doesn't. I think he may refuse, well that's if he ever has the balls to see / talk to me

I wanted to take DS to school today because he was so unsettled after last night. I think it's for the best to try and maintain normality for him.

Managed to sleep about 2 hours last night. I have a banging headache now.

I will go to the bank 1st thing though and transfer the money over into my account. Ill also try and find a solicitor and maybe look at a couple of the other local schools.

I may need to consider moving away in a few months, we live in a small town and I don't think I can bare to see them together (if that is what they decide to do)

BardOfBarking Wed 14-Nov-12 06:20:42

You are being so strong and dignified. Damn right he doesn't deserve you. I do think it's right to take your DS to school but can you be around to do drop off and pick up this week?

Good luck.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 06:54:38

Managed to speak to him. Still denying an affair he asked how I could have proof unless I was in the house. He is so fucking stupid.

He said I'm unfair to want to change schools. I said he should have thought about that before he fucked her. Apparently it's because in only thinking of myself and not what's in the best interests of my ds. Because that was his concern when he jumped into bed with her.

This week ill be able to do the drop off and pick up. Need to think about the longer term though.

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