Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Everything feels stale(16 Posts)
Stale.It's a horrible word but its how I feel about my relationship and I dont know where this is going.DH and I have been together for 15 years and have two children aged 7 and 5.
We both work FT so pretty tired but lucky in most respects as we dont have major money worries and have a a nice life. I just can't connect to him. I can't explain it but I feel detached. We are OK in the day to day sense but you only need scratch the surface and things don't feel right. We barely touch each other. Not just sex (almost non existent since my second child) but no affection.
We argue about niggly things, for example I spent the day with the DCs and my sister and her daughter yesterday and he chose to stay at home. When we got back he was moaning about 'having' to clean the house and being stuck indoors. I just spent the evening in the other room as I couldn't be bothered to discuss it with him.
He has spent the evening trying to get my attention with stupid jokes referencing a TV show I am not watching and he gets cross when I dont get his joke. I just find it all so irritating.He stomped to bed saying he doesnt get any attention and I just thought "and?"
I just feel so switched off from him.
I have tried to analyse where it comes from. I have put on weight in the last few years (I am a size 14 so not about to sink a ship) which I know he hates so I feel self conscious but obvioulsy not enough to tackle it. I have also fallen out with my father (long story) and not spoken for years which I constantly struggle with. I am in a job I feel ambivalent about. It's all a bit vague but I need to understand why I feel this way.
Is this just how long term relationships are? Is this life for us all particular after children? How do I get to the bottom of my feelings about this?
Possibly outgrown him. You don't care anymore. The love probably went years ago. Give it some time eventually you will want out.
A few things to add which bother me; DH and contraception. He hates condoms and makes a big fuss about them so I feel he hould have a vasectomy. Yes I know some will say I am unreasonale but I feel I have more than done my share after years on the pill and having two babies.
The second is his moods. He is never physically aggressive but can be terrinly unkind with words. Name calling and all that. He can be something of a perfectionist and when something doesnt go his way he can be difficult. It can be hard to explain.
As time has gone on the things you could live with are now the things you want to live without.
Maybe teabagtights - I love him I don't doubt that. I just feel detached from him. I have tried putting on a front to try and improve things but I can't. Things got really bad before the summer. We went camping and without a TV to distract we talked.He admitted e struggled to sleep as he felt we, or to be precise I, was drifting away from him. It got better after we spoke but I can feel it all again. I just dont know why. He's had a mild illness this week and been very attention seeking and I have struggled to give him an iota of sympathy. Just awful.
Teabag is so right and succinctly put. You've checked out emotionally, not that surprising as he sounds like a fussy, irritable arse.
Teabag is also right that though you may not be ready yet, you will want out. The indecision bit is the worst. I wish you luck with it all.
Its strange but even seeing that in words I don't feel strongly either way to say yes that's it or no I couldn't live without him. I wonder if many people are like this in long term relationships? Is it actually just the norm. Domestic drudgery, weight gain and feeling past it is a lethal mix. TBH I feel a bit 'meh' about most things/ My relationship and life in general. It really is a case of having lost my MoJo. I need to shake things up. I am posting here to really look at my feelings and also express what I feel as I just wouldn't in RL. The more I write the more I see things clearly.
On Saturday I offered to walk to my excercise class so my husband could have the car to take our cat to the vet. In the end, as the cat couldn't be found, we agreed for me to take the car instead. He wasn't coming with me to excercise as he's hurt his knee so I said you could just take it easy this morning. He still remarked,'so I'm housebound ?' I didn't say anything but I couldn't help but think in my head,'you're not an 80 year old lady with mobility difficulties.' I didn't take the bait, however I got the dig. I didn't understand why he made it but that's him.
Basically there have been times over the last few years where I have felt detached from him, and sometimes for no particular reason. I just tell myself the tide is out. Don't worry, it'll come back in. Sorry if that comment made no sense.
Oh, and the cat ? Annual vaccination re-scheduled for this Saturday. We will have the house on virtual lockdown so we don't repeat the same scenario.
Sorry Meg, didn't mean to grab this thread or take the piss.
No, this level of unhappiness it isn't the norm in healthy long term relationships, Megan74.
It's very typical in unhealthy relationships, though.
As soon as you said, "I can't explain it but I feel detached" my heart sank for you. That's your intuition/subconscious/whatever telling you that something is badly wrong, while your logical mind is telling you you ought to be happy ('we don't have major money worries and have a nice life.')
Looking at the rest of your post I see:
- he wants attention in rather a childish way (the TV jokes) and is petulant when you don't give it. He's not asking why you aren't laughing with him. He's not asking what's wrong. It's all about how he feels.
- you argue about niggly things. You went out, he resented it, and complained about cleaning his own house (!)
Me, me, me,is the message you're getting.
- he doesn't like weight gain. Something else for you to feel bad about.
- and then you mention the unkind words and name calling, alongside perfectionist tendencies. Or perhaps they are controlling tendencies?
This sounds akin to emotional abuse: either way, a self-centred, perfectionist, name-calling, entitled sounding man like this would drag any woman down. I know you love him but it really doesn't sound good.
Can you talk to a RL friend or look into counselling? It sounds like you're stuck in a quagmire, too exhausted to even discuss things with him now. This is no way to live.
Could you be suffering from depression? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your DH is perfect, but it does sound like he's trying to connect with you in a cack-handed way and you've shut down, which is making him worse. How was your relationship in earlier years? Was it always a bit sour or were there better times?
I would say try to sort yourself out, get yourself back on an even keel, before you do anything about your relationship. It could be that it's your relationship that's dragging you down, but until you're sure it's best not to jump the gun.
You say sex has been pretty much non-existent since birth of second child (who is now 5). Is that your choice or his? I'm just wondering why you raise the vasectomy issue? Is he not wishing to have sex with you in case you get pregnant?
Sorry to say this, but if he's not having sex with you, is he having sex with someone else?
I'm with cailindana on this. You do sound depressed. You are struggling with not having contact with your dad, you don't care about your job, and your relationship is not what it should be.
Just a few questions. How is your relationship with your kids? Do you think you use the contraceptive issue to avoid sex? Has he tried to initiate sex and you're the one saying no or was it the other way round? What names does he call you, when did it start?
Anyway, I think you need to go see your GP and have a frank chat - no minimising or thinking you are wasting their time.
ok have name changed. am poss going to be controversial and maybe i too should be asking some deeper questions ... but....you have a few times mentioned 'the norm'. In my close group of friends we all feel fairly similar. For many of us affection and sex has significantly reduced and low level day to day bickering seems universal. most of us similar length relationships eg married/together at least 10-12 years.
I went through a few years of 'this isn't right', constantly trying to initiate relationship discussions...suggesting counselling etc to a sort of calm acceptance that the likelihood of living with anyone for such a length of time is going to have some inevitable results. The truth is the kids bind us and whilst I wouldn't go as far as to say 'we're staying together because of them', we bumble along happily enough as neither of us are desperately missing the affection/sex and the bickering is just that.
I could have wrote some of your post, I know the 'meh' feeling - for me its exacerbated by the lack of a job. But I try and 'shake things up' by enjoying time with my gfriends, pursuing other interests and thinking about the great things i am lucky enough to have in my life. I'm sure a lot of people will say 'i can't live that way' but ime I reckon a lot of people are.
what LadyWordy said.
He is a self-centred, attention-seeking perfectionist, who calls you names and criticizes your weight.
Yeah, I would feel depressed and out of love too.
It's him, love. It's not you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.