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Am I being completely selfish and cruel?

(52 Posts)
sipofwine Mon 12-Nov-12 22:39:14

OK - my DP and I have been round and round in circles for many years trying to sort out our relationship but essentially we are incompatible. I have always felt optimistic that we can sort things out until about a year ago when something snapped inside me. He is incredibly hurtful and cruel in rows, he also has a terrible temper (verbal not physical). There again - I'm sure I'm not easy and he says I am controlling/arrogant/ etc so he certainly doesn't find me 'easy'. Anyway, the point is that I really feel we can't carry on like this. I want to know what people think about whether I'm being totally unfair re: finances/living if and when we do split up.

DP moved in to my house 5 years ago. We have three small children. I have approx £20k savings which we've been chipping in to over the last 18 months whilst I've been a SAHM but we have also spent all his salary on all house and living costs. Essentially we've contributed roughly an equal amount over the past year and a half.

Having seen a solicitor I'm told that he is not entitled to the house (mortgage in my name only) or savings but that i could give him a portion of money to make up for things he's contributed to over the years - nothing big just small furniture etc but then I always earned a lot more than him so he couldn't afford to.

He would want children to live with him 50% of time which I would contest but, ultimately, I do want what's best for the children so I guess I may have to go with that once he is sorted.

SO - basically what I'm asking is - does this sound incredibly selfish and brutal of me to keep house and most of savings for me and children? House has no equity but obviously mortgage has reduced since he has been paying towards our costs. I feel desperate to keep as much of savings as poss as not currently working so need a safety net until get a job.
Thanks for reading.

CinnabarRed Wed 14-Nov-12 16:15:09

In your place, I think it would depend in part on whether, all things being equal, I was planning to go back to work in the short, medium or long term (and what my earning ability would be like when I returned to work).

If I were planning to return to work in 6 months time then I would probably want to give him more financially than if I were planning to be at home for the next 5 years. It don't think I would feel comfortable keeping all the savings if I knew I could replace them through my own earnings in a reasonable time frame.

I say this as someone who, when I split with XH (no children), was the higher earner by a decent margin. I offered to give him all of the equity in our house (around £50k) and took on our joint debts (around £30k) - because I wanted him to be able to put down a decent deposit on a house in a good area. The split was my choice and I didn't want his standard of living to drop any more than I could avoid because I wanted out.

sipofwine Wed 14-Nov-12 21:15:07

Thanks everyone for advice.
Nocake, our situations are so similar. We haven't actually had this conversation but have previously had it many times. I feel like a fog has been lifted though as, whereas before I was always asking myself whether I was just being stupid wanting a more happy and stable family life, now I KNOW this is not how it should be.

Like your partner, he just seems so unhappy to be with me and yet won't consider separation. Anyway - we are going to have to separate soon now. The atmosphere is awful and the kids are definitely noticing things. I don't want them to think this is how you should treat those you 'love'. My eldest asked me once, after DP had been shouting at me in front of him, if daddy loved him. I said that of course daddy loves him and his sisters. My little boy looked at me really closely then and said 'but he doesn't love you does he, mummy?' That really upset me that in his young mind he was trying to work out these upsetting and confusing relationships! I feel so incredibly guilty that my children have seen and heard so much anger.

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