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Sex after children

(135 Posts)
Johnsfour Mon 12-Nov-12 13:27:53

I know nothing is "normal" in anyones relationship.....

My wife/partner is off sex. Two children quite close together. First one 2 and six months. Second, just one. In calender 2012 we have made love twice......in the year before, ( after first, then pregnant with second), possibly 5 times ( including the conception of number 2).

Both natural births, both pretty quick, no major complications. Now, no libido, no interest, excuses ( tired, just do not feel like it) and specific reasons; "everything just feels different down there".

Not an easy question to ask friends: "how quickly did you get back to occasional sex, yet along regular sex ?". I have been as understanding and patient as I think I can be. The current position, is no sex, no sex envisaged for the indefinite future.

I should add, before marriage three years ago, we made love keenly almost every evening we spent together. Regular, enjoyable ( for both of us) and initiated by both of us.

It has become a taboo subject between us, and I am not keen on getting pushed away ........

what to do ? Advice ? How quickly do other couples get back to occasional sex ?

To answer your original question, we waited 4 days after the birth of ds and have shagged nearly every day in the 4 years since.

I feel fat, unattractive and tired. However, my dh gets home from work, takes over with kids, runs me a bath with wine/nibbles, then has tea waiting for me when I get out.

That gives me time to rest, and consider how wonderful he is.

He works hard all day, however, no work outside of the home is as hard as the constant drone of kids. I dont want to share bedtime with him, I want him to fucking do it so I can dissappear into those bubbles!

Have you got a babysitter so you could take her away for the night?

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 20:57:16

You need to talk to him some more, love sad

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 20:57:55

sorry, last post to dibs

kige Mon 12-Nov-12 20:58:55

Your baby is young, I'd say it's pretty normal with a 6mo. Also it's likely she's exhausted and fed up of being touched and climbed on all day by the kids and just wants some space. Personally I think you should give it more time. Ours are 6 and 4 and the last time we attempted it, yesterday, we were interrupted anyway !!

thirdfromleft Mon 12-Nov-12 20:58:57

OP, one thing to accept is that sex is an important part of any relationship.

The point is not that anyone is entitled to sex, but that it is a healthy and necessary expression of desire and feeling for the other person. Yes there may be physical impairment, tiredness, mauling from kids, etc. but both parties have responsibilities to make a relationship work. Making a marriage work with young kids is bloody hard and it has to come from both sides. Do not feel that you should take it all on tour shoulders and hide your feelings, that leads to a martyr complex and inevitable resentment.

OP: this means you both have to listen to your wife and understand how she's feeling, and also make sure she understands your feelings. Find the common ground and make a plan of action. Time away is a good idea to rebuild the intimacy.

Good luck... You sound like a good person, I hope you find the right way forward.

dibs78 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:02:33

He's not the biggest talker- after 3 years of it I've kind of given up trying to tackle it, I've realized itmakes me sadder when I tell him how I feel and nothing changes. I know im still quite attractive- I doubted this after ds1 but over the years I've managed to get few compliments/glances/ turn few heads occasionally so know I'm not a complete minger!!! Only in his eyes maybe.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 21:04:04

that is very sad, dibs

Do you think your relationship will survive it, long term ?

dibs78 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:05:12

Op....you do really sound like a lovely h. Even in a post about your feelings and upset about the issue you do seem concerned and genuinely mindful of her and her needs/issues. I hope you manage to resolve it. She's lucky that you care so deeply about her and your relationship. Good luck smile

dibs78 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:08:19

AF....I hope so. I hope I get to feel more like myself soon and not just 'mummy', maybe if I feel more like the old me I might convey that to him. I love him and our little family souch so I hope so

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 21:11:19

I hope so too, dibs

Offred Mon 12-Nov-12 21:11:34

Do you not think you deserve better dibs?

Biscuitsneeded Mon 12-Nov-12 21:13:37

OP what do/would you do for contraception nowadays? I think I may be rather similar to your wife. Early days, just too shattered, now just lost all interest. Does your wife by any chance have a Mirena because I do and I'm hoping it's at fault for the lack of libido, because otherwise I have to go somewhere very scary and confront why I have no desire at all to have sex with my partner...

dibs78 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:17:29

Yes of course but I can't force him to feel/act differently. Wish I could. It's not like we never do it, just really really rarely and not much affection in-between- usually I initiate it. At the moment I'm hoping it's part and parcel of having two little ones under 3....I'm hoping things might improve but I'm not so naive to think I alone can will it to happen.

Leafmould Mon 12-Nov-12 21:31:20

Monkey face. . . Are you serious? 4 days after birth?
I had perhaps wrongly assumed that the parts generally took a few weeks to heal. Did you actually have a libido 4 days after birth?

Op. I think you have go loads of really good perspectives on here. I suspect she is resentful. It is hard to tolerate intimacy if you are resentful. If she refuses to talk to you, I think you could seek help from relate. Sod sex, if you can't talk about something, you are in trouble.

What is the power balance like in your relationship? And has this changed since kids?

Offred Mon 12-Nov-12 21:32:00

We didn't have sex (genuinely at all) for 18 months due to sickness/worry/size in twin pregnancy and the intensity of twin babies, also Tbh the sex was a bit shit for me before hand too (inconsiderate male orgasm oriented) and this didn't motivate me to want to try when I had real issues with my body and pregnancy/baby experiences, I resented him and felt abandoned and trapped, had fear of pregnancy, also had previous abuse issues to deal with. I like a lot of sex but I needed the complete break, from all intimacy, the control over it and no pressure in order to deal with a lot of things. Our relationship and sex life is better because of it actually I think. I'm so grateful dh actually completely gave me that space, never mentioned it, never tried, put up with my not even wanting to share a bed with him and complaining about his breathing existing if we did and just patiently waited until I was ready and I took action.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 21:32:32

I jipped a bit at "4 days" too shock

completely unrealistic and against medical advice

Offred Mon 12-Nov-12 21:32:52

Waiting for him to change or cheat is no life though dibs and not your only option. sad

Leafmould Mon 12-Nov-12 21:33:00

Good point, biscuits. Also the pill can reduce libido. As we get older these effects are more powerful.

dibs78 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:37:41

What would you do if you were me? I'm bore myself thinking about it/analyzing/worrying about it. I've never told anybody in RL as I'm too ashamed almost. My friends all moan about their dh wanting it too much!!! Ha- I should be so lucky!

Offred Mon 12-Nov-12 21:45:44

No-one can know unless they are in that position and no-one can give you your answers but I would like to think I would leave.

FastLoris Mon 12-Nov-12 21:47:22

Charbon -

We often discuss men who have a madonna/whore complex but IME, some women have a similar set of feelings in reverse. In that, as soon as they become mothers, sex seems unseemly and incongruous with the role of being a mother.

That's REALLY interesting. From a man's POV, it can seem like a woman in that situation is viewing sex (and must therefore have always viewed it) in utilitarian and even Machiavellian terms. Something like "you've done your job - I've got what I needed from you and got my babies, so now fuck off." I know I and several other men I know have sensed that message from the pointed disinterest in sex after children.

But from what you say that could often be a mistaken interpretation, and the sense of sex as something that has "served its purpose" could be more to do with a woman's attitude to herself, than to her partner.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 22:20:53

dibs, have you searched for threads with similar situations to your own ?

I don't think it is as uncommon as you think

you have no reason to be ashamed

Charbon Mon 12-Nov-12 22:25:40

FastLoris I think when men have that view of women-as-a-group, rather than of an individual woman, there are usually underlying attitudes and beliefs that women don't enjoy sex for any other reason than attracting a mate who can provide children. It also pre-supposes that women's desires are sated by motherhood. I've personally never encountered a woman like that, but I've met lots of women who have temporarily lost their libidoes for one reason or another. Sometimes it's physiological, sometimes it's psychological and sometimes it's connected to a poor relationship and unsatisfying sex with a current partner. Often it's because she's sexually attracted to someone else.

In other words, all the same reasons as men have for a temporary loss of libido, either for a particular partner or sex generally.

Charbon Mon 12-Nov-12 22:31:38

Dibs I would suggest you explain in the clearest terms possible how unhappy you are, to your partner. If you found that article on your partner's laptop, I can understand why you think your husband has difficulty combining sexuality with motherhood, but you need to air these concerns and bring them out into the open. It's interesting that you describe the OP's wife as 'lucky' when in fact the feelings he is expressing about his wife are what others would regard as a minimum standard of love, care and desire.

Leafmould Mon 12-Nov-12 22:55:11

Thank you for this thread, op.

It has made me think about sex from my partner's perspective a bit.

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