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F*cking XH does it again...just need to get it off my chest(58 Posts)
Can?t sleep and need to get this off my chest. I started it under another thread but didn?t want to hijack so here?s the story again.
Split from XH at new year after I discovered his affair. Pattern since then has been we try to be civilised for a while then I say something he misinterprets or that just doesn't suit him and he turns into a bully. He attacks me or just flat out ignores me for days or even weeks. Followed by profuse apologies. Over and over again.
Last straw was over a month ago. DD has a big event coming up in March that I really would have liked to plan together. In fact he sent the first message to me saying 'we really must work together on this.' But once he realised I was on board he changed his tune - rebuffed all my requests to discuss it, agreed to a meeting then cancelled it at the last minute. Said he was going to handle it all and there was nothing to discuss. I finally decided, for my own sanity, and for DD's sake, not to fight with him and just let him do it. I even handed over all the research & ideas I already had. It just wasn't worth the fight.
Today, over a month after we last talked about it, he sent me an email saying please can we discuss it!!!! (He's either realised it's too much hard work or doesn't want to look bad by excluding me). I've been really good at not engaging in any battles with him for a while now but feel this is maybe too big to ignore. So I sent him this:
?No, I really don't think we can. Based on your past behaviour I do not trust you to behave rationally and respectfully towards me for any length of time. But feel free to use the information I gave you if you want it. Or don't. I'm sure you and [xxxx] will figure it out. Good luck.?
And this is his reply:
?It is my hope that you might feel, as I do, that it is tough but possible for us to put aside the way we have both behaved at times and the things we have both said in anger and haste. If we are exactly never going to be friends again, we can at least try to look to the future rather than the past and behave in a civil and respectful way towards each other for the benefit of <DCs>. This is what they want and need from us and I am fully committed to doing exactly that. DD and I don?t want to do it without you?but I can?t force you..?
Arghh!!!! He is so fucking infurating. This is what he does every bloody time. He acts the complete TWAT then when I say I?ve had enough, he goes all?.surely we can work together but if YOU don?t want to?..
Please, please, please can someone tell me how the hell you deal with someone like that? I have thought of several responses ? ?Keep telling yourself that long enough you might even believe it? or ?The boy who cried wolf rings a bell? or just ?Fuck off and go to hell you lying son of a bitch?!
I think you handled that incredibly well. I also agree that in many ways the truth is the fairest thing, because they know there's more.
Thx Hesterton. Can't say I always handle everything this well but I do feel good about this.
Go yoga! Go yoga! [passes pom poms around]
Wow, very brave decision to make, but sounds like you and the dc's handled it really well. It comes across in your posts that you want the best for DC's rather than point score against FWEX.
I too had an ex like yours, he was also abusive, I ignored the digs and gibes but he upped the ante to provoke a response. I don't think he expected the response to be a pc turning up on his door step serving him with a harassment warning.
2 years later, I have a sense of peace from not having him in our lives in any way shape or form. Dc's are so much happier and emotionally healthier.
I just added my tale, to prepare you that he may up the ante too. No doubt the children will at some point mention that you have told them about his affair and he won't like having his halo sullied! But ignore, ignore, ignore...and if it all gets too much, know that such a thing as a harassment warning exists. I didn't know about them for a long time, and it was a huge relief to have someone (the police) on my side.
Best wishes for the future.
Thanks Katniss - no doubt he will be fuming when he figures it out but I don't really give a shit about his reaction. If my motive was just to piss him off I would have done it a long time ago. Lucky you not having the ex in your life anymore - I can only dream of such a day! However, he is a decent dad to them so I wouldn't want to stop him seeing them.
By the way - feels good to have my own personal cheerleader!
He likes the run-ins. Maybe he wants your attention, maybe he remains angry and resentful over your divorce or aspects of it.
Either way don't fuel him. Be amicable and succinct in every communication. He pisses you off, your response " that's lovely thanks" "ok not a problem". Think American customer service.
How long can he go on faced with that?
Wow, just read the whole thread and right up until your post about the talk I was thinking, no, don't do it - but then when I read how sensitively you managed it I actually felt quite tearful!
When I was in your position I didn't tell DD about the 'real' reasons for our split, thinking that was best, not to say anything negative about her Dad etc - only to discover later that she new all about it and thought I didn't know, so had no-one to talk to!
If, however, it helps at all, I find a stock reply to the 'we must work together' blackmail type emails along the lines of 'Many thanks for your opinions, which I have considered when making my decision about the best course of action. I will be doing (whatever you have said already)'
It will drive him mental.
balia It continues to amaze me and simultaneously break my heart just how many of us have had to go through the same thing. I used to think only really really stupid people or people with real problems or people in soaps had affairs and acted like this. What an eye opener this last year has been. The saddest (or maybe the most laughable!) part is that it is just the worst kind of cliche - even down to the very words that come out of their mouths.
I've come such a long way but still trying very, very hard to master the art of NOT. RESPONDING.
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