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Hes left me

(77 Posts)
strugglin Sun 11-Nov-12 20:06:05

We have had a massive row he grabbed my face and shoved me across the kitchen smashed and kicked his way through the house packed his stuff and went. Hes going for custody of our ds as he says ds is at risk with me hes ringing ss about my other 2 dc as they arnt his he says i need sectioning. He has just rung he wants all the babys clothes cot and anything else hes bought him by the 30th. Wtf happens now?! I havent got the strength to fight i cant loose my dcs i have no money my gas and electric are due to run out i dnt get paid until tuesday . Please help me someone

strugglin Mon 12-Nov-12 18:51:24

grim no i wont i have had enough we all have breaking point. Dcs and i should be happy not walking on egg shells. I have had a long think and the bad definatly outweighs the good. I dont know who i am anymore. What am i teaching my ds's that its fine to be aggressive violent and abusive to someone you claim to love!
And my dd what am i teaching her that its fine to accept that, that you keep a man by being a doormat and being controlled. Thats not what i want.

I have needed help for a while now and i am ready to get it.

I dont even think i love him anymore but lonliness can make you stir crazy.

foolonthehill Mon 12-Nov-12 20:50:52

well done strugglin...I think you will be amazed how much of yourself is still there once it stops being crushed.

and you will be less lonely out than in this relationship...most of the time!

Portofino Mon 12-Nov-12 20:56:02

Have you phoned the police to report/Womens Aid for assistance?

liveinazoo Mon 12-Nov-12 20:58:27

are you ok strugglin?

hope you rang the police

how old are your dcs

i hope they didnt witness him kicking off

they are everything,,he is nothing in the great scheme of things

ive been through DV too,you have nothing to be ashamed off going to the police a 2nd time.often abusers are good at picking out someone they can chip away at and destroy confidences
sending good vibes and strength.x

strugglin Thu 15-Nov-12 19:01:18

Quick update: i went to my sure start centre and have got my family support worker filling out forms for me shes in contact with my HV and we are putting action plans in place so i can start looking forward.

Exp has just been to pick they baby up for an hour. I tried telling him some stuff the baby had started doing (walking with his push along he blanked me). Hes told me to clean the car out as when hes dropping the baby off hes fetching someone to drive the car back. So thats it another fucking struggle for me twatting about on buses and dragging 3 kids around in the cold.

maras2 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:05:13

Tell him to do one and do not clean his mankey car.

strugglin Thu 15-Nov-12 19:11:06

The insurance is due out of my bank tomorrow can i cancel the direct debit tonight using online banking?

ErikNorseman Thu 15-Nov-12 19:35:23

It may be too late but by all means cancel the dd if it's his insurance. Don't however if you are likely to manage to keep the car as they charge for missed direct debits.

strugglin Thu 15-Nov-12 20:10:21

Hes just dropped the baby off he said hes coming back for the car in abit so i cant cancel the d/d yet as the car is parked on the road. He has took both keys so i cant use the car anyway. Hes also told me ive got until the 30th of november to pay him £600 for the bed he bought us 2yrs ago and the dog. Hes also going for full custody.

JuliaScurr Thu 15-Nov-12 20:30:25

get advice from CAB - there is a recognised procedure for reversing dd's called something like 'indemnifier', your bank should advise you

Tiredmumno1 Thu 15-Nov-12 20:32:21

Strugglin just ignore his stupid demands for money, he is being a complete idiot.

As for the insurance, if you want to cancel then do it, if your bank is good and it goes through they should be able to pull it back.

Sorry you are going through this, also ignore his ridiculous comments about full custody. Stay strong for you and your children, you can do this, you are worth a million times more than him.

strugglin Thu 15-Nov-12 20:45:51

He is also saying that im stupid for getting HV and a family support worker involved as they will inform ss that im not coping and i will loose my dcs. ( family support worker is from my sure start centre). Neither of them have memtioned talking to ss, they wont will they?

Tiredmumno1 Thu 15-Nov-12 20:53:24

I don't really know anything about that side of things but to me it just sounds like he is playing mind games with you and trying to scare you, don't listen to anything he says. No one will take your kids for no good reason. So try not to panic, and try not to let him play with your head.

foolonthehill Thu 15-Nov-12 21:00:07

If they talk to SS and say "strugglin has realised she has been living with a violent and abusive man and has called time" they will hang out the bunting, open and close a file and thank you for being a good strong and loving mother to your DCs.

at least that's what happened with me.

they told me in no uncertain terms that had they known what was happening with DC and him in the house i would have had a lot more interest taken in me and Dcs would have been firmly in their review and check pile. And also that if i let him back they would have to monitor us.

keep him out and ignore his blathering

More support the merrier I say. tell your GP too and make sure it's all in writing.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Thu 15-Nov-12 21:01:56

strugglin Ignore him - he's scared because you're seeking help. And so he should be.

Did you tell the family support worker that he violently assaulted you?

Plomino Thu 15-Nov-12 21:35:21

Struggling ,it's bluster , pure and simple . These are the classic threats of a bully . He's trying to wound you at your weakest point . No one will take your kids from you , least of all SS , but you must let them know and get support from as many agencies as you can , and most definitely if he tries to follow through and go for custody . The quickest way to remove the power from his threats , is to pre empt him . If the agencies see that you are actively seeking help , and trying to engage with them , then this scores big points in your favour .

He's a bullying shit , and he's trying to mess with your head . You don't have to let him .

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Thu 15-Nov-12 21:40:11

If the agencies see that you are actively seeking help , and trying to engage with them , then this scores big points in your favour .

^ This. Please tell them about the assault if you haven't already. That's probably the biggest single thing you can do to ensure he DOESN'T get anywhere with custody.

MrsTomHardy Thu 15-Nov-12 21:42:48

What an arse he is.
You dont owe him any money for the bed or the dog. Please dont give him any money and phone csa ASAP

olgaga Fri 16-Nov-12 07:25:57

Strugglin have you actually reported him to the police yet? That is vital - you really must protect yourself and your children.

You can call the police non-emergency number 101. Tell them what has already happened, and these continuing threats.

Please do this. Today.

Figgygal Fri 16-Nov-12 07:31:42

Ignore him it does sound like bluster!! Stay strong and don't give him any money!!

AgathaF Fri 16-Nov-12 07:41:38

You have got to start ignoring the lies and bullshit he is spouting and start protecting yourself and your dc. He is trying to frighten you because he is losing control of you.

Well done for speaking to your family support worker. Don't hold anything back. Tell them about his violence. Get yourself to your GP to have that head injury looked at and get it on record how it happened.

Is the car registered to him? If it is, it's not your problem whether it is insured and on the road or not, so cancel direct debits. If it's registered to you, why is he taking it?

Don't give him money. You don't owe him anything for a bed or a dog or anything else. Don't let him in your house, and stop trying to talk to him. He is an abusive, manipulating idiot. You have come this far, a few more steps now.

Call the police! He's still emotionally abusing you and the children for making it so hard taking the items from them also.

He can do one for the money requests.

You need ss, hv and police. He is the abusive one not you. He is trying to frighten you and you are letting it happen. Please find the strength to fight

oldwomaninashoe Fri 16-Nov-12 08:57:04

Strugglin, he is spouting nonsense, tell him to take you to court for the money!
The bed is seconhand, try selling a secondhand bed for £200!!

fluffyraggies Fri 16-Nov-12 09:03:03

Call the police OP. Call them. It will not look bad on you or reflect badly on you in any way.

The opposite is true - it will look good as you are being pro active to protect yourself and your children.

You don't owe him any money for furniture. Don't pay him.

Get as much help and advice from all these different services as you can. Police, children's center, csa, SS, women's aid - all of them. They are there FOR YOU. Tell them all you're going to all of them, if you know what i mean. Make your case.

Be strong now. You've done nothing wrong.

Everything fluffie has said.
Please see that it's the best thing to dosad

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