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(125 Posts)
Blindedbyscience Wed 07-Nov-12 21:13:24

Never a good idea, I know, but looked on dh ipad at the history, and it had an undeleted search on about finding an escort. He works abroad and the search was looking for one in that country. I confronted him about it and he claims it is because he stays in a hotel while away and is on a shared network. He claims that it is someone else's search that has shown on his iPad. He's lying isn't he? I have no IT knowledge at all- he knows that. Anyone know if this could be a possibility, or is he a lying arse? Cheers

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 22:14:54

Are you getting a large mortgage ? That will tie you further.

it would better, IMO, to stay as unentangled as possible

it could be a good thing that you are renting

if he leaves, you may be eligible for housing benefit etc

take legal advice

YellowTulips Wed 07-Nov-12 22:37:27

I work in IT - he is lying. The only way this would be on the device history without his knowledge is if he lent his iPad to someone else and they executed the search.

Sorry sad

Sorry sad

Numberlock Wed 07-Nov-12 22:41:55

Putting your children first does not include staying within arsehole, quite the opposite sadly.

Hatpin Wed 07-Nov-12 22:50:57

He's lying.

Buying a house now could limit your options. If you want to split, start the ball rolling with a solicitor, stay where you are, and once you have negotiated your share of the equity, you can do as you please with it.

The courts will put the need to house the children above everything else so you will come out of this with a home and adequate means to support yourself and the children.

Make sure you mention to the solicitor that he has been spending joint funds on escorts.

Blindedbyscience Wed 07-Nov-12 22:54:50

It would be a large mortgage. Would he not have to pay the mortgage though. I know I need to get some legal advice on this, but I feel more vulnerable renting. I have accepted now that he has done this- that he has done all the things I have suspected in fact ( years ago found him registered with a dating agency and he claimed it was a scam e mail). I know I have let this go on for years. Don't know why- I'm quite confident and resourceful. Why have I let him turn me into this?

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 22:55:43

The answer to your question depends on how you intend to raise the finance for the house. Do you have a big pile of cash? Would there be a mortgage? If so how big? There's no point in hanging around to tie up assets you could walk away with.

You might find this useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

Blindedbyscience Wed 07-Nov-12 23:04:14

Thank you all for the much needed words of wisdom. I think in reality I have persuaded myself that the other occasions have been flirtations- I didn't really believe it though I don't think. This is a bit more cold light of day- there is no other reason for an escort other than sex. He disgusts me now, which I suppose is a good thing

Hatpin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:14:33

He hasn't turned you into anything. You sound strong, focussed on your needs and those if your children, and that's how you need to be.

Get some legal advice as soon as possible.

Oh, and men like this don't accept the open marriage concept. You see, if you were to meet a decent man, perhaps one who values you, you might decide to turf your H out, and move the new man in. Lots of reasons why he'd probably hate that, and none of them are to do with loving or respecting you.

Allthebestthings Thu 08-Nov-12 00:03:44

I would not listen to a single word that any fucker has to say all the posts that I read from them are always negative and their solution is to leave the fucker

Have you spoken to your partner and asked if they did stray ?

For all you know nothing may have happened

whethergirl Thu 08-Nov-12 00:17:30

Allthebestthings - read the op. Carefully.

YellowTulips Thu 08-Nov-12 00:52:46

Allthebest - it's not clear if he actually did anything but he has defiantly lied about why that URL would have been in his iPad history and the OP has said he has previous "form".

As per your comments on AF the value (and downside at times) on posting to a forum is the variety of opinions you get. State your own, but its up to the OP to listen those that resonate rather than you to judge what's worthy of consideration.

Blindedbyscience Thu 08-Nov-12 01:09:02

As far as posting on here goes, it was purely to find out in an anonymous environment, if from an IT point of view, he could be telling the truth. From the more expert viewpoint of people on here, he is lying about the search. Whether I tell him to fuck off ( finally) or whether we try and work things out, is something I will need time to think over. I just needed confirmation that he is lying. I am grateful for the opinion of everyone who has posted. It isn't something that I could talk about elsewhere.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Nov-12 07:20:08

you do it your way, allthebest, I'll do it mine, yeah ?

AnyFucker Thu 08-Nov-12 07:21:08

ask your partner if he did stray ?

that's a good'un

'cos cheaters don't lie do they, oh no ...

fiventhree Thu 08-Nov-12 09:37:01

Op there are so many of us who started out confident and then got into a manipulative untrusting relationship with a man who is a liar and a cheat, and who uses our ignorance of technology against us.

I seriously think mn should have a permanent IT thread on bullshit cheaters spout- my IT debate was concerning whether photos of naked women which were clearly 'received' were just anonymous downloads. Even after I used mn (after years) to finally get to the truth, he changed the name of a file to rename it 'received files' in order to prove people wrong. And there were a lot of IT experts on my thread.

So be prepared for a great heap of lies, and dont believe a word. Like you, my h used to clear history when he came home and be secretive- it is all bullshit, and a very clear sign of guilt- would you do it??

FwiW, I think it would be a very bad idea to buy a house in this climate with a man from whom you intend to split. Far far better to part, get maintenance, and then see if the maintenance and salary enable you to get a small place, which doesnt have his name on. Because HE CANT be trusted.

Blindedbyscience Thu 08-Nov-12 09:51:32

What I really don't understand is the need to carry on lying when you have been caught. I am desperate for him to confess, but I also know he never will. It is so sad really. I love him dearly. Why are they such knobs?

raskolnikov Thu 08-Nov-12 10:11:28

Cos he thinks he's cleverer than you are.
Out of sight, out of mind.
He thinks what you don't know about won't hurt you.

It is very sad indeed.

raskolnikov Thu 08-Nov-12 10:18:31

Also I think liars start to believe the stories they weave. Once they've got into it, its complicated to get out of - such a tangled web to unravel and they may have to admit to more deceit. Its easier to keep going than to backtrack. They also find numerous excuses to justify their behaviour.

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 08-Nov-12 10:23:32

He lies because having been forgiven before he believes he will get away with it again. I'm terribly sorry OP but you have to decide if you are willing to go through this again. And possibly again.
Do you think he will stop behaving this way?
Are you willing to live without the trust, especially if he works away from home for periods of time?

You have a lot of decisions to make, do not let him blindside you with false 'good' behaviour while you decide what YOU want to do. I wouldn't get trapped with a mortgage with him, especially if it is both your names. You are joint liable for the house then. At the moment you have enough freedom to not worry about how to pay for half a house and possibly renting if you decide the relationship is over.

Give your self some time.

Numberlock Thu 08-Nov-12 10:42:49

Have you spoken to your partner and asked if they did stray

OP: Hi partner, did you stray?
Partner: No
OP: Silly me. Fancy a cuppa?

Blindedbyscience Thu 08-Nov-12 11:28:53

Can a marriage survive this? Am I just looking at a future of lies and deceit? I would like to think people can change. I now that sounds naive, but otherwise everything just seems so pointless. We have been together since our teens. We have so much shared history. It breaks my heart that he isn't the person I thought he was.

raskolnikov Thu 08-Nov-12 11:32:25

If he works away, won't you always be wondering who he's spending his time with (and his money on)?

Blindedbyscience Thu 08-Nov-12 12:22:18

I suppose if the trust is gone then it's gone. Bit final this- can't quite believe it

Sausagedog27 Thu 08-Nov-12 12:31:21

I know you want this to work, and people do get over stuff like this and change, but you have given him more than one chance and he still hasn't changed. So now you need to decide if you can continue living without trust or if it's time for you to leave. No one will think any less of you for walking away- you have tried, but he clearly hasn't and sadly nothing you can do will change that. I'm very sorry op. keep posting here for support.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Nov-12 12:40:04

It could only work if he makes his own commitment to turn his back on his deceiving behaviour.

You can't do it for him by wishing hard enough, I am afraid

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