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concerned family member may be a child molestor

(606 Posts)
fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itchywoolyjumper Wed 07-Nov-12 17:16:09

I'm an other one who thinks having a chat to your GP would be a really good idea. If its all a misunderstanding no harm will have been done. Your MIL's behaviour is pretty inappropriate at best and talking to your GP give you some ideas as to how to protect your DCs from her influence.
Trust your instinct.

Pagwatch Wed 07-Nov-12 17:18:50

Why was his counsellor allowed to discuss him - at 18 years old - with his mother?

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:19:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo Wed 07-Nov-12 17:20:33

I was told that I was 'unable to cope with life' and that I didn't function like other people. Occasionally to give it more weight it would be 'x said...' It was to keep me dependent on them so they could keep complete control of my life. I believed it for a long time. It would also make him reluctant to engage with further counsellors.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:24:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladyWordy Wed 07-Nov-12 17:26:36

You're not over-reacting fandom.

The thing is, children can't protect themselves, so you have to do it. Even at the expense of your relationship with your DH (or anyone!) I see it this way: adults can fend for themselves, and children cannot…it's that simple.

Besides which, you've described your MIL as unbalanced, manipulative and unstable…obsessed with young children….and her own children have unexplained scarring and disturbing memories. She has also lied and attempted to defraud you. And that's before we get to over-riding your 'no' – always a very bad sign - and the unexplained, unnecessary behaviour around toileting.

If she was a stranger you wouldn't let her near your DC. So there is no way you are fussing about nothing here, and if DH is upset, he will have to deal with it - as I'm sure he will.

Be strong, we're here for hand-holding if you need it. brew

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:26:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay Wed 07-Nov-12 17:26:56

Well if that's not sexual abuse, what the Hell is? You poor thing and your poor DD. I second the GP and call NSPCC for advice. What a revolting woman, well done for not punching her (yet). It's pretty telling that you parent tell your own mum so far, but I think you should.

Itchywoolyjumper Wed 07-Nov-12 17:27:33

Your poor DH sad

ArtVandelay Wed 07-Nov-12 17:27:43

Daren't not parent.

Itchywoolyjumper Wed 07-Nov-12 17:32:00

Go with Art's suggestion of calling the NSPCC, its a very good idea.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:34:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay Wed 07-Nov-12 17:48:15

It's true that you might have to answer some uncomfortable questions but you have not buried your head in the sand and you have done your best in the face of real family and social pressure. Cut the contact now and I don't see a problem. And talk to your mum, she will support you in the way your DH can't because he's still a bit controlled by the toxic family dynamic. It's not an everyday situation, its impossible to say with certainty how any of us would react in such horribly bizarre circumstances. Don't be scared, but do talk to mum, GP, NSPCC etc.

PrincessSymbian Wed 07-Nov-12 17:50:02

I think you were trying to manage the situation in the best way you could and if your dh had of been fully on board then your dd would not have ended up alone with your m-I-l. It feels to me like your dh is reluctant to face up to the reality if his mothers behaviour.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Wed 07-Nov-12 17:55:00

You are misconstruing anything. Please never see that woman again. She has assaulted your daughter. I can et why your DH may not want to / be able to see it. You are acting correctly. Im not sure if police could help? I would be freaking out.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Wed 07-Nov-12 17:56:13

And you've let no one down, you tried your best in the face of a situation most would find hard

Itchywoolyjumper Wed 07-Nov-12 18:03:16

You haven't let anyone down, this is not your fault, this is your MIL's fault. It sounds like you are the first person to call her for what she is and you did it with little support from anyone else. I'm so sorry this is happening to your family but you are helping to stop it.

EdsRedeemingQualities Wed 07-Nov-12 18:07:47

I would think he probably cannot find it easy to face up to what has happened to him during his life at her hands.

It sounds like serious, systematic abuse. Poor sod.

ErikNorseman Wed 07-Nov-12 18:15:07

She engineered a situation whereby she had the opportunity and the intention to put her fingers inside a child's vagina unnecessarily. That IS sexual abuse, whatever her intentions might have been.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 07-Nov-12 18:25:39

Trust your instincts they sound v justified. Your other half sounds understandably mortified and upset. We are all engineered to love our parents no matter what so its hard to face the prospect they are not.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 18:31:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RyleDup Wed 07-Nov-12 18:35:50

It sounds as though he has blocked a lot of things out, which is a pretty normal reaction. My dh is the same, at the hands of an abusive step parent he remembers virtually nothing about his childhood.

TheArmadillo Wed 07-Nov-12 18:40:55

I think there are several things you can suggest to your dh here

1) that he contact the NSPCC and get advice from them on the situation as impartial advisors (though agree beforehand what is the pertinant information).

2) that you take a break from his parents for a while (3months? 6months?) while he has counselling and make no major decisions about them till the end of that period.

YouOldSlag Wed 07-Nov-12 18:42:18

In your shoes OP I would want to cut contact, but if you DH insists, I would make it short visits in public places.

However, I see no possible benefit to your MIL being in their lives at all. Or yours.

I don't think the cream was "inexpertly appplied", I think it was hugely inappropriate behaviour and totally unnecessary. Massive alarm bells.

EdsRedeemingQualities Wed 07-Nov-12 18:45:57

You clearly have huge and imo justified misgivings about his mum.

He's clearly got a huge struggle to deal with what may or may not have happened to him in his life.

That's NORMAL - remembering stuff, or accepting that your folks are unpleasant or damaged people is really, really traumatic and difficult.

I think he's doing better than a lot of people in a similar position would be so kudos to him for being fairly reasonable.

BUT it's not enough - you're right. Your children ARE at risk imo, if not of sexual abuse (though I would consider it this, if it happened like you've described - sorry) then of being confused and bewildered by your mIL, who is acting expressly against your wishes and undermining you consistently.

This is wrong in itself and damaging. Add to that the fact you're not happy having them around her, and the children will pick up that all is not well and it will have implications in that sense.

As far as I can see, and this will sound unkind - I'm sorry, but the main problem you have got is your DH being unable/unwilling to let you act in the best interests of your children, because he himself is still under her spell. sad

I'm really, really sorry to say that. It's not like I can imagine he would EVER want them to be hurt or damaged in any way or to upset you. But he needs to seek further counselling or proper therapy - which may be almost impossibly hard - and he needs to step back and let yOU make the trational decisions from a POV of someone who has not been abused (in any sense) yourself.

Best of luck to all of you - it's a really horrid situation, but it can be managed and any damage minimised if you are both willing to concede that you're on the same page, essentially x

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