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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

concerned family member may be a child molestor

(606 Posts)
fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Thu 14-Feb-13 10:59:29

I did indeed read all the pages, yes. I wasn't aware we had to 'let it die'

Just because it has been said, does that mean I cannot post my opinion too?

I still stand by what I said, she can't protect her dds unless she cuts contact. She doesn't want to do that, you of all people should know that cutting contact has to be swift, GS, not drawn out for the benefit of others.

fandomfanny Thu 14-Feb-13 11:03:22

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differentnameforthis Thu 14-Feb-13 11:20:29

I have also cut contact with a parent, 20yrs ago, op. And I don't look back. Your dh is not going to do it, because he doesn't want to. You are fighting a losing battle.

I do not think he will go on to abuse them, and I do think that is rather a horrible thing to say. But who knows how he will think in an emergency if you are sick. I do feel for you, it is a shit situation to be in. But by drawing out cutting contact like this, nothing will be achieved. I am pleased your dh is getting counselling, but one whiff of this will just give her more ammo to beat him with. He turns into a frightened child around her, he will believe ANYTHING she says. And as he already seems to be doing, he WILL take her word over yours.

differentnameforthis Thu 14-Feb-13 11:24:41

And I never implied that you think it would be fun to be at the wedding. But it should be fun, shouldn't it? Watching your dds run around in their new posh little outfits, getting doted on by all and sundry because they are so cute, watching them dance etc. But all the time your eyes will be on her. And your dc on deadlock, right at your side the whole time.

Helltotheno Thu 14-Feb-13 11:45:59

OP I feel so so sorry for you, having read your op. I agree with you that you're in a situation where it's very difficult for you to do anything other than what you're doing. Your concerns about your DH are very real and very legitimate, and you are right to say that if there was a split, your DC's welfare would be taken completely out of your control. One of the things that's said a lot by separated women on the Relationships board is how much they hate the fact that while their DC are away from them, they have no control over what's being done/said and how awful that is. There's no point in minimising this concern of the OP's: it's real in this case.

I have to say though, my overriding feelings on reading your thread are extreme annoyance with your fil, who is an enabler and is being cut slack here he doesn't deserve, and to some extent with your DH, who even if it's difficult for him to accept, should have enough evidence from his own childhood and from your account of what's happened with your DD, to support you 100%, no questions asked, in any decision re Mil, up to and including cutting her off.

I am worried for you yourself because, what with the above and your own family, you just don't seem to have solid, unequivocal support around you, and have to bear all this alone. There is no doubt in my mind though, that you're following the only path you can. I'm rooting for you. I hope things change for the better.

fandomfanny Thu 14-Feb-13 11:57:21

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hillyhilly Thu 14-Feb-13 12:02:04

Fandom, I remember your original thread and think you are handling an incredibly difficult situation, very well. Ignore the unsupportive posters, you clearly have the interests of your dds and your dh at heart.
Fwiw, though I'm sure she's last person you wanted to spend your time with, sticking to your mil like glue gives her the very clear message that she's not going to get away with anything because you are onto her.
It's a horrible situation and I think that you are to be congratulated for still going to the wedding.

fandomfanny Thu 14-Feb-13 12:26:04

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Greensleeves Thu 14-Feb-13 19:13:05

I hope you are taking care of yourself too fandom. Do you have someone supporting and caring for your emotional needs, is your mum supportive? You're an amazing mother - you really are xx

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Feb-13 22:26:28

Fandom Keep those measures in place, because one day, your DH will confront that past, even if he doesnt want too, once he has then removing her will be alot easier.

differentnameforthis Thu 14-Feb-13 23:21:36

I think you need to find some support for you...now! And I don't mean on a website. I don't see this improving, even in the long term, because his mother has way too much power over him. He would rather believe her than you because otherwise it is too painful. Regardless of the painkillers you were on at the time (that is just his excuse that he gives himself not to go along with you) he is believing her over you by not doing anything wrt her behaviour. He knows how destructive she is, he lives with that everyday, but he won't see it, he is fooling himself & you, sorry!

I wasn't looking for you to give me a well done for cutting contact, I was trying to show you it is easier just done, just like that, no messing around.

I do understand why you took this route, but I really do think you are putting too much on your dh to change. And in a year, damage can be done. Your dh is unpredictable, he will do anything to prove that she is not a danger to his girls, because he has to prove it to himself.

I know no amount of me going on will change your mind, I just want you to be prepared for the fallout. If it were just you & your dh, I would probably not have commented on this thread, but there are children involved. Have you even thought of the possibility that what you saw wasn't even the first & second time? That your dd regressed/was clingy/doesn't like her changing her nappy because of what happened? She already shows signs of distress & subjecting her to her abuser is just going to add to that! Subjecting a child to their abuser, even if nothing is happening tells that child that you think nothing is wrong. That isn't the message I would even want my kids to have.

differentnameforthis Thu 14-Feb-13 23:28:23

His therapy is going to (as you all hope) help him remember & come to terms with his past. What if he remembers & then tries to take steps to remedy/put right his memories? Denies them & tries to prove it didn't happen, i.e takes your girls to her house?

Don't say that he won't do it, because a lot of men do stuff that their wives never thought possible. (You only have to look at Relationships to know that! Even more so when they are confronted by things they don't want to deal with)

What if you are out & she rocks up? She totally overwhelms him & he lets her in? He shuts down around her, she is bound to be able to wheedle her way in!

Don't say she won't travel, narcissistic people are unpredictable & will do anything to self serve. And once she gets wind of your plans, she will do exactly that!

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 02:14:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 02:17:38

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differentnameforthis Fri 15-Feb-13 03:49:41

I am not looking to upset you, op...and I think I am doing. For that, I am sorry. I don't know.. I guess, truthfully, that I think your head is all over the place & I am trying to help (perhaps not though) you see that what you are doing might not work. I appreciate that I am reminding you how, as you say, "shit your life is" and I am sorry! I will stop.

I hope you can get some support, and can I just say that I do think, in time, your family will be OK again. You do sound strong and despite what has been thrown at you here (and yes, I agree I did that too) you have kept calm & rational.

Good Luck op, I mean that sincerely.

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 12:53:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyDarlingClementine Fri 15-Feb-13 14:29:45

Hi Fandom,

Been reading your posts with great interest, this

"My mil is very unbalanced, manipulative and unstable. My dh agrees with this. He credits her behaviour as causing his deep seated anxiety issues, previous depression, self esteem issues etc. She hates me as I have removed dh from her control. Fil enables her, admits she is v difficult person he doesn't want to spend time with (works abroad). But he will defend her to the hilt/ tell people to put up with her unreasonable behaviour etc. "

Could be me describing my dh and family even down to PIL who spends most of his time away from her abroad. Even when you said that she talked to counsellor about him having problems, my MIl also did this and tried to talk to DH therapist saying was it x y or z.

my DH also cannot remember alot of his childhood and is not a great talker. Him and his DS were bed wetters until about 10.

He knows what his DM is like however but I can tell he still wants to please her....

Anyway, as others have said you have done well, and good luck with your DH. x

fandomfanny Fri 15-Feb-13 16:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves Fri 15-Feb-13 22:09:40

Please don't think that your life is going to be shit from now on! I know it is total shit right now sad but if you keep focused on your plan, your dh does his part and you do eventually get her out of your lives, things WILL get better and there will come a time where your can really relax and enjoy life and not have this black cloud hanging over you. I've had no contact with my evil relatives for six years now and life is SO much happier for us. You can find my threads about it all from back then if you want, MN was my only support and I was in a terrible state. I thought I would never feel normal. But I do.

Your daughters are still very very young. By protecting them now you are saving them years of misery (and I mean the relationship itself, the emotional blackmail and tension etc, let alone the possible abuse). One day you'll look back at this time and feel proud that you did the right thing when nobody else had the bollocks.

Greensleeves Fri 15-Feb-13 22:12:40

I actually believed my mother was going to try and kill either me or the children, at the time. Her behaviour was so extreme and frightening, nothing felt real. I think I was i shock, for an infeasibly long time. I actually feel sick thinking back to how terrified I was of her.

Now she's a memory and I'm not scared of anyone!

differentnameforthis Sat 16-Feb-13 04:38:43

Actually I can relate to the needing to please her thing. For years that is what I wanted to do, like you failed to please (even though you didn't) as a child, you need to not fail again as an adult. You get stuck in the need of wanting her approval too.

beeny Sat 16-Feb-13 06:20:34

You sound like a very strong and clever woman.I prosecute a lot of child sex offenders in court and represent them most of them are cunning beyond belief.Take care.

Dear Fan, I have mulled over this long and hard. I am so very sorry I doubted your story. I should have checked the dates etc. This is my reason, but not an excuse, for having been nasty to you. As you said these things can be triggering. again not an excuse. I am aware my previous contributions were unkind and unhelpful. I wish I could withdraw them. Mea culpa. I also understand that in the light of my confrontational post I have no right to contribute to this this. thread. please accept my apologies. I do know how very hard your position is. x

fandomfanny Sun 24-Feb-13 22:02:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riskit4abiskit Sun 24-Feb-13 22:10:40

OP I think you are very brave and strong and anyone would be proud to have you as their mum! Best wishes to all your family.

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