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concerned family member may be a child molestor

(606 Posts)
fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quietlysuggests Fri 16-Nov-12 10:57:58

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Almacks Fri 16-Nov-12 19:15:44

I have read this whole thread, and would just like to add another supportive comment OP, although most of it's been said already I feel you could do with extra hugs after some of these posts.

I think you are handling a potentially "worst nightmare" situation with calm, wisdom and strength. You are appropriately escalating concern in the light of experience and advice received, and I'm sure you'll continue to do so. Well done. I can't begin to imagine what this must be taking out of you. You are a great mother, and I really hope you have someone or a couple of people in RL to support YOU.

I would just add three things, first another recommendation to take careful notes of every troubling incident including as much info as possible (date, time, those present, who said/did what as best as you can remember) as soon as possible after the event. This is something I've been taught as part of safeguarding training.

Secondly, if you have already questioned your DD about the specific incidents you've mentioned, that can't be helped. However, if you haven't then please DON'T if possible. Deux suggested questionning your DD re the incidents (I'm sure with the best of intentions), however the slightest hint of "suggestion" (as it's called, meaning that someone gave the child the idea that they might have been touched inappropriately or whatever) can be enough to make a case of child abuse extremely difficult to prove in court. This is also something I've been taught in safeguarding training. It is best if the child is only questioned by people who've been trained to do it.

Thirdly, and this is just from my experience as a mother, I think your plan (well done on the plan, btw) should include another trusted adult who knows the situation at meet ups. Someone upthread suggested your mother. I think you need this because if one of your DD urgently needed your full attention for some reason, the other DD would otherwise be left unprotected.

Oh, actually, there was a fourth thing. As MayIsOut alluded upthread, cutting out all contact with your MIL, whilst being your ultimate goal, will not mean your DC never meet another pedophile. They probably pass several every time you go to Tescos. Ok, they don't have a relationship with those people, but it's not as though once you cut out MIL it's job done, protection job done. Unfortunately. So I think some people need to remember that.

I expect the NSPCC went through most of the above with you anyway.

You seem to be handling this with such bravery (including facing the possibility of separation from a DH whom you love and believe is a good person) and such wisdom. I really wish you well.

amillionyears Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:34

op,hello. I too am new to posting on the thread ,though I have been lurking.
There have been a few things that I am not sure on, apologies if you have already answered the questions.
1.You said , a week ago on here, that you dont think your DH would take the children to see your mil without you.
How would this work if say you were ill for many months or incapacitated in any way? Would he then take them?
2.He could always go alone to see his mum. He doesnt have to take them. I think you may have covered this, but I am not sure.
3.Finally, I would urge a tiny caution about taking advice from any organisation. At the end of the day, they are strangers, you are the parent. ^You see everything, a stranger never does.

thetrackisback Fri 16-Nov-12 20:05:20

Fandom I am de lurking to wish you all well in what must be a horrible situation. I think you have made the right decision because you haven't got conclusive proof but it must be traumatic for you to have to see her. So sorry you've had a tough time on this thread.

Smithson6 Fri 16-Nov-12 22:32:53

yes Almacks. lovely post.

fandomfanny Tue 29-Jan-13 14:52:56

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BerylStreep Tue 29-Jan-13 15:00:11

fandomfanny, glad to hear it seems to have settled down, and that your DH is supporting you in maintaining the much needed distance from his family.

Surely if both you and DH are there, then you can keep an eye on one child each?

BerylStreep Tue 29-Jan-13 15:06:00

Sorry, I had forgotten that DH isn't great at standing up to her. No wonder.

Are there any friends or other Mums you could call on?

Unfortunatlyanxious Tue 29-Jan-13 15:20:34

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fandomfanny Tue 29-Jan-13 15:24:07

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fuzzpig Tue 29-Jan-13 15:24:49

Thanks for updating. You're doing really well. Stay strong! There's no need to agree to a visit at all if you don't want.

fandomfanny Tue 29-Jan-13 15:25:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fandomfanny Tue 12-Feb-13 18:07:43

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ZorbaTheHoarder Tue 12-Feb-13 18:32:06

Well done, Fanny! I think you have handled this incredibly tricky situation really, really well, because you have managed to let your MIL know that all her attempts to get to your daughters will come to nothing, while at the same time keeping your husband on board, which was one of your main concerns. You have shown incredible strength of character throughout this nightmare scenario. I think you are doing a great job of protecting your children and also helping your husband to see what kind of person his mother is. I really can't get over how sick she is not to want to play with them unless she can get them on their own. I think that not engaging with her and letting FIL know that you will be making your own arrangements is exactly the right thing to do. All the best for the future.

fandomfanny Tue 12-Feb-13 18:45:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnywithshowers Tue 12-Feb-13 18:51:59

Well done, I remember your thread. She is beyond awful.

GoSuckEggs Tue 12-Feb-13 19:35:38

I am glad you came back Fanny! I remember you op, and just felt for you, it seemed like you could do no right! Far, far, far too much hysterical postings, people telling you to seek advise and when the answer was not what they wanted they were not happy. I think sometimes they get too much and can end up failing and unsupporting a poster. So i am glad you managed to come back.

BerylStreep Tue 12-Feb-13 20:05:07

Fandom, well done. No need for any more contact for quite a while.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 20:12:50

Well done, Im glad that your DH is making peace with his childhood and realising the repeating history, its good for him to acknowledge and deal with it, well done him too.

LemonBreeland Tue 12-Feb-13 20:15:51

I remember your thread from first time around. I'm glad your DH is seeking help wrt his childhood, and it seems you managed the visit very well. It would obviously be better for you if you never had to see her again but clearly that is difficult.

yellowbrickrd Tue 12-Feb-13 22:32:58

Your thread is so chilling - I have spent over an hour reading it all. This update sadly highlights how precarious your plan is - it need only be one hitch, one distraction, one communication breakdown from 'policing' this person to result in tragedy for your dc.

Neyite Tue 12-Feb-13 23:22:11

Could your mother be your babysitter for the wedding?

Have we not been here before?

fandomfanny Tue 12-Feb-13 23:38:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perhaps if you had provided a link to your first thread you would have saved a good deal of time and trouble for other mnetters. same concerns circumstances slightly tweaked. still worried? you have had plenty of good advice. sort it out

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