Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

concerned family member may be a child molestor

(606 Posts)
fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 07-Nov-12 16:13:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen Wed 07-Nov-12 16:18:04

Trust your instincts. There's a lot in that post that has alarm bells ringing. The danger of your MIL being totally innocent and you being wrong is that your DC miss out on a relationship with a woman who has already shown manipulative and controlling traits. The danger of your MIL being an abuser and you wrongly allowing contact is that your DD could really, really suffer. I know which option I'd choose.

FWIW, I think ALL contact with your MIL should stop. I get the impression that despite the manufactured guilt your DH would feel from doing so, he'd be far more emotionally healthy for doing so.

YouOldSlag Wed 07-Nov-12 16:19:32

Well put Dahlen

AllOverIt Wed 07-Nov-12 16:31:35

Go with your instincts. Alarm bells would be ringing for me too sad

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 16:34:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo Wed 07-Nov-12 16:35:43

you've tried with close supervision, it didn't work. I think you now have to cut contact.

gobbymare Wed 07-Nov-12 16:36:47

Personally Panda, If I was in this situation and my partner went against my wishes on something that was/is potentially so serious then he would see the door or take notice of what i felt/saw. I would make it clear to him what is exactly at stake here.
Children always come first before inlaws and patners and husbands, altho he is the dad, he also has to put his childs needs first and if it was me and he hadn`t made that much of an effort to watching our child after i had explained how i felt then they wouldn`t be going no matter how much of a stink it would cause.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Wed 07-Nov-12 16:41:21

Cut contact, until at least your dd is going to the toilet on her own, even then, I would want nothing more to do with her, she sounds toxic and weird to say the least, our instincts are rarely wrong, and she has gone against your wishes to get your child alone to change nappies,?!It's just weird, if not sinister.

Brycie Wed 07-Nov-12 16:45:05

Can you talk to a GP in confidence? I ask because if push comes to shove you want it on record that you raised this concern and you have evidence to back up a demand that your husband is never to take the children to the grandparents house and specifically spend time with his mother. I would want to talk to someone "in authority" who can make notes, in the guise maybe of asking if it's unusual behaviour or if you are over-reacting. The only thing is, it might raise all sorts of red flags and social services to do with YOU when there's no problem at all.

I would ask on Mumsnet for doctors to tell you what they would do in this situation.

2cats2many Wed 07-Nov-12 16:46:43

God, how awful. I got goosebumps reading your post OP. Definitely trust your instincts and protect your daughter.

RyleDup Wed 07-Nov-12 16:55:13

Strange behaviour. Although theres nothing concrete I would certainly trust your instincts on this. Talking to your gp wouldn't be a bad idea. Was your dh known to SSD as a child? He may not remember but he could certainly request records to see. I'd also look into getting his medical records, even if he can't remember anything, this may shine some light on the situation. Your husband would probably benefit from some counselling, partly to help look back into his childhood, but also to teach him not to fall into past bullying patterns with his family, which in turn renders him helpless at protecting his children.

fromparistoberlin Wed 07-Nov-12 16:55:13

she sounds awful, and your DH has clearly blocked out most of his childhood

I would avoid her like the plague

so sorry

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 07-Nov-12 16:55:21

But gobby if that were to happen and your OH still disagreed with you then you'd have even less control of where he took the dc IYSWIM. I had to go through solicitors, and eventually it went infront of a judge in court when I tried to stop my ex taking my DS to see my own mother (she was very abusive, although not sexual, and her husband was in and out of jail for serious crimes) who I had cut out of DS's life for his own protection. I had to have lots of evidence and witness statements too and during this my ex still took my DS to see her every fortnight and caused a fair bit of damage. Eventually the judge ruled that my ex had to follow what I said and not allow my mother near my son when he had contact, but if it was his mother I was arguing against I think it would be a different outcome.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 16:56:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:02:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Wed 07-Nov-12 17:02:56

Yes, show him the thread, and I think ryledup makes some excellent points regarding him.

EdsRedeemingQualities Wed 07-Nov-12 17:04:04

No one should be touching your child's genitals without your permission.

Simple as that imo and she's clearly not someone you can trust in any way.

If your DH wants to keep seeing her and his father, or just his father then that's up to him but you cannot allow this woman to be anywhere near your children, she's demonstrated that beyond all doubt.

So sorry you are stuck in the middle like this.

Pozzled Wed 07-Nov-12 17:04:33

Huge alarm bells ringing. I think you have to cut all contact. Your DH will obviously find it hard at first, but it sounds like it would be better for him in the long term.

And from what you've said I'm absolutely certain that cutting contact will be best for your DDs.

Read back what you've written- MIL took DD1 to a potty in a distant part of the house (when explicitly asked not to) and was getting ready to put nappy cream on, completely unnecessarily, because 'it would be nice'.

EdsRedeemingQualities Wed 07-Nov-12 17:06:18

Plus I think your DH probably would benefit from some therapy or counselling...it sounds like these issues go very very deep but just because he is sadly in denial (my mother was till her mid thirties - she forgot everything till then) it doesn't mean your children should be compromised or sacrificed to the cause of protecting him, or her. iyswim x

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 07-Nov-12 17:07:00

Hopefully OP, but that what I thought about my ex. He ferociously supported me cutting contact to protect DS but that all changed when we split up.

Brycie Wed 07-Nov-12 17:07:26

If this was a man you were talking about you would have no doubts at all. Think of it that way.

Iceaddict Wed 07-Nov-12 17:07:44

Second everyone who says keep kids away. There's no smoke without fire and if you're not happy about something then follow your instincts. Tough luck if you end up being wrong and she's innocent. Your kids are to precious to take a chance

Anniegetyourgun Wed 07-Nov-12 17:08:20

I don't see how it can be anything other than sinister. Maybe what she's doing isn't exactly what you fear, but it's bloody peculiar behaviour any road, and it clearly is causing DD1 some confusion at the very least and potentially behavioural problems (even, heaven forbid, physical damage). I am very very sorry for your DH, it must be so difficult for him, but protecting his DC has to come first, last and in the middle.

People have this image in mind of someone who "does things like that" and it's always seen to be a man. But they'd be wrong.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:08:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 07-Nov-12 17:14:48

The counsellor didn't tell him there was something wrong, his mother said it, eh?

Has he perhaps considered that she may not have been entirely truthful?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now