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concerned family member may be a child molestor

(606 Posts)
fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairiesWearPoppies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:44:03

Oh my love. Firstly cut contact with mil. You may have no concrete evidence but you can still speak to the police if you wish although it is unlikely you can ever go back once you h e done this. Speak to our dh again about your concerns.

Here for hand holding if you need and I'm glad dd on.

FairiesWearPoppies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:44:31

*your dh, not ours. Sorry blush

FerrisBueller1972 Wed 07-Nov-12 15:48:48

Personally I would go with my gut instinct and refuse to leave her alone with your MIL. Police I would not go to as you have no concrete evidence to give them.

Awful feeling that it is I totally understand it, I have the same feeling about my Father.

FairiesWearPoppies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:52:17

Can you speak to mil about it? Explain your feelings and why she can't be with dd alone etc.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:52:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raskolnikov Wed 07-Nov-12 15:56:08

What a horrible situation to be in Fan - trust your instincts on this, if she makes you feel uneasy (and that behaviour is certainly suspect) then make sure your children are never alone with her - if your DH can't support you in this, then the visits will have to be minimal and you'll have to watch her like a hawk and keep your kids glued to your side! Or the visits have to stop altogether.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:57:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairiesWearPoppies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:59:42

How is dd around her in general- taking out potty situations - would she be upset if contact was stopped? (I know she is only young) I would just lay on line if it was my family. Tell dh he can have whatever relationship he wants with her but you and the dc will have a different one.

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 07-Nov-12 16:02:09

What a horrible situation. I think you've done everything right and should follow your instincts with this. If it was me I'd personally cut contact with mil, but if that's not possible or there's the risk that your dh may disagree and take dd1 there without you and fail to protect her then could you arrange future visits in a public place like a park?

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 16:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gobbymare Wed 07-Nov-12 16:02:48

I would not let my child near her, no matter what my hubby had said.

My exp`s father was in court about 30 years ago for suspected child abuse on his 2 daughters, he was found not guilty but one of them does not talk to him and has not done since the case. No smoke without fire i say.
I found him very touchy feely from day dot (before i even knew about the court case) and refused my daughter to ever be left alone with him, her dad agreed and was slightly upset about it but understood.

The risks are to great to ignore your instinct.

Instinct is nearly always right, trust it.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 07-Nov-12 16:03:32

This woman is toxic. She may not be physically doing anything untoward to your daughter but she will mentally inflict wounds on her as she has your DH.

All the running off with your dd1 could be to make dd1 dependent on her like your DH was.

YOu really have to sit with your DH and see if he can bring himself to cut her off completely. I can't see her changing her behaviour so all you can do is change yours.

AlphaBeta82 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:04:56

Trust your instincts fan, as a child I was sexually abused by grandparents, parents and many others looked passed a number of potential indicators and thought 'something wasn't right' but were too embarrassed to raise it and dismissed their thoughts as silly. If you are genuinely worried do not let anything stop you from protecting your children, I am living proof of the consequences of parents who made that mistake!

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 16:05:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 07-Nov-12 16:06:05

gobby but what could she do if her dh disagreed and just took dd to the mil's? He is her father, I'm not sure what she could do to stop him apart from ask him not to IYSWIM.

YouOldSlag Wed 07-Nov-12 16:06:22

Right. Your MIL is obviously beyond reasoning, so make an executive decision. In your shoes I actually would stop her from seeing the DCs at all as she obviously goes completely against your wishes and keeps trying to get your DD alone. in my eyes, this would freak me out.

Your DH needs to have let the scales drop from his eyes. It's a grey area as to whether this is abuse of your child but what it definitely IS is inappropriate.

Your DD is already confused by this as she is asking you for cream now when you don't use it. It's also messing with the toileting routine and will confuse her.

Do not allow this toxic woman to bully you. Stand firm and simply don't budge. You are not mad or wrong to think these things,I would be the same in your shoes.

thumper1806 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:06:51

I would make an off the cuff comment about how she enjoys changing nappies. If there's nothing sinister in what she's doingm then you haven't outright accused her.But if there is something sinister, she might think twice if she's in your company again.

Are there any of your other in-laws who have young children that she shows/has shown an interest in? It might be that there are a few of you who think the same way, but it's so difficult to discuss without making accusations.

I think you should go with your gut instict, and at least until your DD is old enough to go to the toilet herself, you should limit/cut contact.

YouOldSlag Wed 07-Nov-12 16:07:16

If DH doesn't agree, then add conditions such as she can meet us in the park or meet us in a cafe.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 07-Nov-12 16:09:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fandomfanny Wed 07-Nov-12 16:09:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo Wed 07-Nov-12 16:10:20

Given as you can't trust your dh to back you up and your MIL will go to such lengths to be alone with your dd1 I would refuse to let your MIL see your dc even with close supervision. The fact that she still managed to get hold of your dd1 despite your efforts mean that she is not safe even supervised.

I would also encourage your dh to sort out his childhood issues - through books to start with if he is not ready for counselling, toxic parents is a good one to start with (Susan Forward) and then there are others from there.

I know this will be terribly hard for your dh, I come from an abusive background though not sexual abuse, but you are the one here who can see straight and you must step in to protect your children where he can't as yet.

TheArmadillo Wed 07-Nov-12 16:11:48

FIL is an adult who can decide to visit you if he wants without MIL. Don't underestimate how complicit in this he is by letting her behaviour go unchecked and forcing it on to others/getting them to participate.

Pudgy2011 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:11:57

Oh what a horrible thing to deal with. But I'm sorry, I wouldn't let her near my children and most definitely not unsupervised.

I also wouldn't be pandering to her behaviour, the reason bullies get away with it for so long is because people don't stand up to them.

Like the others have said, trust your instincts and keep your kids close. I think it is entirely too disturbing that she wants to always put nappy cream on your children and in distant parts of the house. Regardless of what else is going on, that would be enough for me to kick up a mighty stink.

fuzzpig Wed 07-Nov-12 16:13:27

I think you should listen to your instincts TBH sad

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